BM and grandparent issues
Ok I have been with my BF for a almost a year. I have three children of my own and he has a 4yrold ds. We are moving in together next month and planning to marry. I play a very large role in helping raise his son. However, both BM and my BF mom fight us on every issue.
First issue is SS is still TAKING THE BOTTLE at night and get this kicker with CHOCOLATE MILK!!!!! big no no in my book. Second issue is BM never and when I say never I mean not one second ever put him to sleep in his own bed.
Bf and I have stopped the bottle in our house and he never even asks for it. SS actually will make comments that he knows he's to big for it, but when my BF brings it up to BM she just says she's working on it! His mom babysits a lot and she also gives it to him even though BF has made it clear that's not what he wants. They say it's SS comfort and he only does it at home so whats it hurt!!!
The sleeping arrangements haven't gone as easily but BF is very good with him. I refuse to sleep to sleep with him because I think that's wrong to let you child feel the adult bed is there bed. However, at night he cries a little saying mommy says I need to sleep with her!! It's very sickening to me. Once we reassure him he's safe he does wonderfully but it puts so much confusion on him.
I feel like every time we try to teach him how to grow to be a healthy boy when he goes back to BM or grandmas we take giant leaps back. Not to mention that he is being told by grandma that I can't tell him what to do when he's with us only daddy can. Problem daddy works late and I'm the caregiver.
I could go on and on but wanted to know if anyone else struggles with craziness like this and how you get past it.
A kid shouldn't be taking a
A kid shouldn't be taking a bottle to bed period, never mind one filled with chocolate milk. Also you just said this kid is FOUR, right? Why the hell is he drinking from a BOTTLE?
I used to have these awful neighbors that had a girl who was 2 or 3 and used to drink soda from a bottle. Disgusting.
Reality is, neither you nor
Reality is, neither you nor DH can do a blessed thing about what happens at BM's house. Just, put it out of your mind.
However, your BF's mom...if she's NOT on board with parenting as your DH wishes, and is actively teaching the child not to respect you...your DH needs to either straighten her out (no bottle with Grandman, and NO MORE teaching the kid to disrespect you!), or Grandma doesn't get to spend time with the kid...
I'm glad I'm not alone on the
I'm glad I'm not alone on the bottle thing. DH did speak to grandma, unfortunately she and BM still communicate and tend to feed off each other. I just can't believe she doesn't see how this is hurting SS in the long run. I am proud of DH for being so hands on with SS and helping him become more independent.
We go through ALOT of things
We go through ALOT of things bc of BM. I get soo frustrated and am constantly telling my DH, "if she would just do this, that, etc...life would be so much easier" and DH is constantly telling me "There is no rationalizing with her. There is nothing we can do to change what happens at HER house. We need to focus on what happens in our house bc thats all we can control". Its unfortunate and 3 yrs later, I'm still trying to deal with it although it has gotten easier. When SS says "well at mommys house..." we have to say this isn't mommys house and reinforce that the rules are different here. It may appear to you that she doesnt have the best interest of SS at heart, thats how I see it, but people can only give, teach, do what they know. Maybe she is doing the best she can and thinks she is right. She, as the mother, is entitled to that opinion as unfortunate as it may be. Just worry about what happens when he is with YOU bc that is the only thing you can control.
BM is not something you can
BM is not something you can control. BF's mom, on the other hand, either gets on board with the way you guys parent, or BF finds a babysitter. Not sure where you live, but he may qualify for some type of reduced cost day care through the city or state. If not, it's still better to pay someone to watch SS who is on board with teaching him how to grow into a young man than it is to have SS babysat by someone who seems intent on undermining DH's authority.
We have similar problems.
We have similar problems. BioMoms will do what they want at their homes. I wish we could help control it, but we can't. It's frustrating and maddening. I wish I could offer you more, but I guess know you're not alone. As for the grandma, we have similar problems there as well. She badmouthed me (SM), undermined DH and treated SS9 like he was still 4 or 5. She outright refused to abide by DH's wishes. DH said she wouldn't change, there was nothing we can do..blah blah blah. After one particularly horrible visit when she came to our home and after much repetition by me that DH did NOT have to allow her to visit, keep SS, etc., DH finally came around. He told her how it was going to be, and he didn't allow SS to spend the night or even visit. They blamed me, but DH stuck to his guns. He told them in no uncertain terms that it was his way or they didn't need to be involved. While everything is absolutely not hunky dory still, it is MUCH better. Tell DH to stand up to his mommy. He's a grown man, and his child needs him.