Buy your kid clothes in the right size, idiot! How can I stop this infuriating cycle?
This is me posting as the "BM". 
(I always think of Bowel Movement when I write BM)
I am a SM and a BM.
ExH has about 30-35% custody of BS. When BS outgrows clothing I buy him new clothes in the next size up, like any sane parent.
Now the weather is getting warmer and exH is sending BS to school in last summer's shorts which are WAY too tight. Every year this happens and I end up getting rid of the too small clothes, buying BS new bigger clothes, he goes to ExH's in new clothes, ExH sends him back in last years too small clothes, etc etc until I, in effect, end up buying clothes for BOTH homes.
This drives me BANANAS and no matter how many times I say, you need to buy BS clothes in the next size, you need to toss out too-small clothes and replace, he never does.
I have thought and thought about ways to stop this cycle but I can't think of one, does anyone have a suggestion I haven't thought of??? I won't just make BS go to school on too small clothes that ExH refuses to replace!
Why not have him bring a
Why not have him bring a suitcase back & forth and just have one wardrobe instead of two.
BS gets picked up directly
BS gets picked up directly from school by exH one day per week so that's one day what whatever I send him to school in, those clothes go to exH's and exH send him to school the next day in too small/older clothing.
On ExH's weekends with BS, same thing, he picks up BS from school so whatever I sent him to school in, that goes to ExH's.
So you see the problem... I can't MAKE my ex send our son back in the exact same clothes he was wearing when exH picked him up. (I have asked that many times but he just ignores it).
He just keeps coming back in old/too small clothes which I get rid of at my house. Next time he goes to ExH's in new clothes which ExH keeps, etc etc. It's an infuriating cycle!!!!
I wish I could send BS with a
I wish I could send BS with a suitcase and know that he would come back to me with the suitcase with the same clothes I packed! But I can't send a suitcase with him to school. That might be awkward. LOL
1 school night per week, and
1 school night per week, and EOWE... but BS gets picked up from school on the school night, and gets picked up from school the friday before the EOWE.
I guess the real problem is, I can't control that ExH sends BS to school, or back home Sunday night, in old/too small clothes, which I then throw out. ASSHOLE!!!
ExH has figured out that I throw out too small clothes and then he can hijack new clothes BS is wearing when he picks BS up. So that way he doens't have to buy BS new clothes, he just hijacks the new clothes BS is wearing when he picks him up from school!
I agree. We pay BM a nice
I agree. We pay BM a nice chunk in child support and still have to buy clothes, etc. I think the BM, if receiving support, should supply the child with an overnight bag containing clothes, underwear and socks.
Well I, as the BM, don't
Well I, as the BM, don't receive squat for support so it really pisses me off that I am in effect buying clothes for him at both houses! I guess if I were receiving hundreds of $ each month for support, then yes, I would be the clothes buyer, absolutely!!!
Long story but exH lost (I
Long story but exH lost (I think he quit but have no proof) his higher paying job when we divorced and ended up with a lower paying "commission based" job. So income is impossible to prove. He is an ass.
Plus.. I personally hate the whole CS thing. I feel like I should take care of my son to the best of my ability and exH should too, and niether of us should pay the other. I know that in some circumstances it is warranted when somebody really should be paying CS. But in mine, it really isn't worth it or really warranted.
I get what you're saying -- if I were getting support then it wouldn't be bad to be buying all the clothes...
When SD's outgrew their
When SD's outgrew their clothes, DH would call and tell BM that they needed clothes that fit. He reminded her that he was paying enough child support that she should have no problem providing clothes for them. When the girls were little we keep a second wardrobe at our house. Then moved to the suitcase method for visits as they got older. If I did laundry I sent their clothes home washed. If I didn't get around to it, I sent home a bag with their dirty clothes. DH said he paid enough for BM to do all their laundry anyway.
I guess this is getting down
I guess this is getting down the the crux of the matter.
IF I was getting support I could then buy all the clothes and that would be fair. But I'm not. And I can't use the suitcase method and I can't make exH send BS back in the same clothes I sent him in.
I guess I'm screwed! I figured as much but wanted to post about it just on the off chance someone would think of something I haven't.
"DH said he paid enough for
"DH said he paid enough for BM to do all their laundry anyway."
Ummm, pays her to do laundry-isn't it both parents responsibility to wash their kids clothes regardless of who pays csupport? I guess because it's just EOW dad shouldn't be bothered to do a mundane task that bm does the reminder of the entire year. Men like this are stupid. Maybe they shouldn't have to shower at your place because he pays her enough to cover water the rest of the time. It's dads responsibility parent fully (cooking-cleaning-clothes-showers) when kids are at his house.
Look-for the most part my exh almost never does laundry either-I understand time constraints, etc...it's still inconsiderate to not at least once in a while send them back with clean clothes...but to openly say "he pays her to do laundry"??? WTF is that? He's to cheap to pay for a scoop of soap and water cycle...or is CS to cover "labor" of washing clothes...what a dumb statement.
Really?? Out of everything on
Really?? Out of everything on this thread you 2 pick this to complain about?? I'm sure it was said in frustration with everything the dad has to pay and the crap bm has put them through. This is just silly to crap on her for saying something as little as that!! Good grief.
How about an extra set of
How about an extra set of clothes in his backpack for the nights that he gets picked up by ExH?
But then exH would send him
But then exH would send him to school the next day in the new/extra set of clothes I packed, but would keep the clothes I sent him to school in.
OHHHH I see what you're saying, ask him to pack the previous days clothes back in his backpack.
See the problem is, exH is a JACKASS who won't do anything I ask like that. He would still end up keeping one set of clothes.
I meant both. Send an extra
I meant both. Send an extra set that he can wear the next day to school and have him pack his old set back in the back pack. How old is your boy? Ex's are bad about things like that so maybe train your child to do it? Just an idea, it might work out better.
BS is 10 and I wonder if I
BS is 10 and I wonder if I could get him to do that... hmm... he's kind of a head in the clouds type kid and would likely forget to put the previous days clothes back in the backpack.
I'd have to call him and make him do it and sometimes I get the answering machine and don't get called back. I try to back off when he is at his dads and let him have his time there not not call him and direct him there, you know?
what does your ex say when
what does your ex say when you ask about the clothes? Our order syas BM was supposed to supply clothes for both houses. Since I did not think that day glo orange gym shorts & belly shirts were not all the rage, we just started buying our own clothes for the kids. We never brough up anything with BM. I can't see where any conversation like that is easy.
LOL, belly shirts. Gawd.
LOL, belly shirts. Gawd.
When I ask ExH to buy BS some clothes in the right size, he by and large ignores me.
I think he just knows that he can just keep the right sized clothes that BS is wearing when he picks him up, and then send him back to me or back to school the next day in old/too small clothes. And that I will throw out the too small clothes and then next time he picks up BS, he is wearing new/right sized clothes and he keeps those, send him back in too small clothes... it's just a cycle I have no control over and it SO pisses me off!
I go in circles trying to find a solution but can't think of one!
As awful as it sounds, you
As awful as it sounds, you might just have to bite the bullet and buy both sets of clothes. How old is DS? You don't want him to suffer at school looking silly bc of ExH. Kids are cruel, even at a young age! I read once that you should never expect to rationalize with your ex/ or your spouses ex...if there was a way to get along, the relationship wouldn't have failed. I know I have to try and suck it up that ss BM is a low life who won't even use our support for ANYTHING for ss. It makes me furious that she doesn't do her part with OUR money and we have to pay over and over and over again but it just is what it is. Men will be stubborn men and we, as mothers, are left to fix and pick up the slack
Oh I *have* been buying both
Oh I *have* been buying both sets of clothes! I won't let my son wear too small clothes for any reason. Hell no.
I'm just so sick of it and wanted to see if anyone had a brilliant idea I had not thought of. ExH is SUCHHHHH a damn jackass.
Btw, we also pay support my stepkids BM and I guess I should be grateful that she buys Skids clothes. I can't imagine if she just used the money for herselfor whatnot, OMG that would be the biggest injustice. Having to pay her all this money AND buy them all their clothes for both houses??? I would go nuts.
It really is an injustice!
It really is an injustice! Shoes, socks, clothes, haircuts, etc. BM thinks its our responsibility bc we do "nothing" for ss....but pay her $650 a month!!! DH wonders why I get so angry about the situation...wish there was a solution but I think its one of those things that just have to be sucked up and dealt with as is...So we sit back and watch her go on numerous vacations a year, move into bigger and bigger houses, wear her fancy new clothes and ss comes looking like an "orphan" (thats what one of our neighbors say)...ohhh well I just cant wait for him to be somewhat grown and can speak for himself and start telling his mother to take care of him the right way!
I know what you mean. My
I know what you mean. My Skids come back from their time with BM *every. single. time* with tales of what new toys or video games they got, where they went out to dinner, etc. My SD comes back with pedis and manis. In my case, she also does buy them clothes, thank god, but its sickening all the $ we have to pay her so that she can spoil the shit out of her kids and have a nice lifestyle. We have 50-50 custody so she should just live within her means instead of blood sucking hefty CS from us so that she can have this fabulous lifestyle and spoil her kids rotten. They come back to us and its a big shock to actually be told "NO" when the demand new toys or when the want to go to a restaurant for dinner. How about they shut the **ck up and eat what we make them for dinner??
Sorry, CS is an infuriating issue for me too!!!! When your SD9 has better haircuts, manis and pedi's than you because you're paying her stupid leech of a mom tons of CS? Yeah, not so great.
vera we pay CS and we still
vera we pay CS and we still had to buy clothes for our house too. It was crazy! Bm would send them in the worst clothes ever and then send a huge bag of clothes that were awful, stained and holey and not worthy of anyone to wear. We finally made her stop sending clothes and I bought clothes a yard sales and second hand stores.
I would suggest you buy at second hand stores for JUST the days he goes to his dads. That way you aren't out a lot of money and you can still find good clothing. Right now that is all I can think of.
That sucks. Is she nuts? How
That sucks. Is she nuts? How does she explain getting CS but still sending them to you in shitty old clothes??? Some people have NO SHAME isn't it unreal?
I thought about the 2nd hand idea too actually, but with the clothes cycling back and forth, eventually he'd just have a mixture of second hand clothes and regular clothes at both houses.
It doesn't really solve the problem, it DOES cut down on my cost yes, but what I really want is for exH to just break down and buy some clothes for his son and stop leeching off our clothes supply. But good point. I cannot get what I want (for him to just buy some damn clothes), I can only try to cut down on my cash outlay.
Yes it does suck however I am
Yes it does suck however I am a firm believer that ALMOST ALL of the time bm's do that just so they can get their ex to buy clothes and they don't have too even for their house. they try to make the ex feel guilty that their kid has no descent clothes and just buy them for them. I refused to buy into that so I told my feelings and trust me when we see them out while bm has them or at school they have on GREAT clothes. It took a while but dh saw it too.
Sorry but I don't have any other ideas for you right now.
I guess I am the exception
I guess I am the exception for the BM's then???
I am a great freaking BM and I see more and more how lucky my exH is that I'm not like most BMs!
Wow lets see, I put my kid first and don't connive to get money out of my exH?
(My Skids BM is the CS leech of the year and she makes me sick.)
Thanks, I had a strong feeling there was no solution to this problem but wanted to throw it out there anyway just in case.
Bm did this for a looong
Bm did this for a looong time.stbxDH got the message across by having the school nurse call BM to lecture her about the importance of properly fitting clothes.she gave bm some lines about jeans/shorts that are too tight are extremely unhealthy for the abdominal area in children as well as adults.then she talked about ill fitting shoes could possibly cause SD's feet to grow improperly.
Having a call from the school nurse scared bm enough that she started shopping for SD's clothes each time she outgrew her old stuff.
Awesome! Wow how humiliating
Awesome!
Wow how humiliating to have a school nurse call you and tell you your kid needs properly fitting clothes. Mom of the year, NOT!
So how old is your son? I am
So how old is your son? I am assuming he is fairly young? Eventually this problem will resolve itself as the kid will refuse to wear ill fitting clothes-not sure if you want to wait that long. Our court order states that the custodial parent must pack a bag for visits. So we used to pack a bag for bm when we were custodial. SS packs his own bag of nasty crap now that she is custodial. I'll be honest-I didnt so much mind packing a bag-BUT she wanted to demand what was in there. We got told to pack his halloween costume, dress clothes, one time she was very specific in number of shorts, shirts, what kinds of shoes, summer pj's and a pair of warmer ones as well. OMG! She did feel she was entitled to all of this because seh paid cs. I simply told her we did not even have all the things she demanded. That if we could accommodate her requests and she sent the things back I didnt have aproblem with it-but we werent going out to purchase things specifically for her use. I dont know if your ex feels like he is being demanded to do things and is beign oppositional?
We also had a problem with getting our nice clothes back as well. So I'm not gonna lie-I found a bunch of old clothes she had sent him in over the past year-packed them all in a bag and started using that as his weekend bag. He had a variety of things in there-sweats, t'shirt,long sleeve shirt, shorts-so he was adequatly supplied with clothes they were just nasty. She complained after a few months to not send that nasty stuff because she had better things at her house.
It IS from your house, idiot!
Also, we did pack him a change of clothes at times in his backpack when she picked up from school. For a small child socks, underwear, pants and a shirt dont take up much room. You could also talk with his teacher and see if you could leave a "nice" change of clothes for him there and when eh comes back from dad's-if he is so inclined or if teh teacher feels it is necessary he can change at school.
ExH had oppositional jackass
ExH had oppositional jackass tendencies yes indeed. But I'm not asking him to buy expensive clothes or telling him to buy a certain brand, etc. I'm just saying, buy him some clothes in the right size! Your BM's nitpicky requests are laughable. Good for you not getting sucked in to her insanity.
BS is 10. He doesn't care if his clothes are too short yet.
Flood warning anyone??? But I care.
And I care if they are tight. (Pee Wee Herman???)
Re: packing change of clothes in his backpack. I could, and exH *might* actually send him to school in the clothes I packed, but he would still keep the set of clothes from the day before. So it wouldn't solve the problem.
Yeah, I realize the answer is if I want my kid in normal right fitting clothes, I have to buy them for both houses. His teacher would think I was nuts if I dragged her into it. It's not that dramatic.... not like his clothes are torn and filthy or anything. The situation is more more unfair and annoying than anything I guess.
Vera it might work itself out
Vera it might work itself out when he get a little older b.c he will tell his dad "I don't like that" and he will start to complain. It will happen b/c the kids will start to pick on him. It may take a little time but it will happen.
Very true and good point! Hey
Very true and good point! Hey there is an upside to having a teenager, they can refuse to wear too small clothes to school.
It just chaps my ass that I'm the only one buying him new clothes.
But oh well, all this kind of crap is the price I pay for having a child with a jackass I suppose.
Thanks its so good to talk to people who actually understand what I am talking about!
UGH!!!!! are all parents like
UGH!!!!! are all parents like this? I never was! !! We send a back pack with the new school uniform in it...the BM was to put the old one in the back pack when child changed...on the weekends the BM was to wash the uniform and send the SD to school in the one form Friday...It was a process but it happened....would it wok for you? If your ss is old enough HE can be asked to put his dirty clothes back in his back pack...If he doesnt like coming to school like a hobo I bet he would be ok with it
We had to go to the court and get the judge to TELL BM to send the clothes back and forth!! The BM is a wack job and didnt have custody for yrs....when the :wise: child advocate felt that BM should see SD for unsupervised over nights....I went to GoodWill and bought several sets of clothes and shoes and SENT them via DH to the ex's house so SD would come in and see that BM had a closet with clothes in it for her.......MY BAD!!!! The BM would never send our clothes back and would put too small clothes on SD...ONCE it was so bad that BM tried to say SD's shoes were too small and that SM (me) made the SD wear them.....BM went to her lawyers office and raised hell...BM got proven the fool that she was because HER lawyer looked at BM and said #1 the shoes fit the kid #2 SD said that SM was at work and that dad was home when SHE was the one who put on her shoes and tied them...noone else BM left HER attorney's office and called CPI...saying SM was abusing SD by making her wear too small shoes....boy did this not go over too well!!!!!!!!!!!! BM got called on the carpet and this started the long list of wack job things the BM tried...
HER lawyer finally made it happen that the judge saw us in court and the BM was told per an order to stop her crap and to send the clothes.....Talk about a waste of legal time!!!!! That was one for the books....Thank God the BM is out of the picture now!!
Holy shit. Okay my problem is
Holy shit.
Okay my problem is not that bad I guess.
printed twice........ The
printed twice........
The back pack thing would prob work....Im sure ss doesnt want to go to school in crappy too tight clothes....
Like your Jacka$$ syndrome comment BTW
This is what I did..(I am a
This is what I did..(I am a SM though) and it worked!!
My DH has 50/50 with BM, so week on week off, with a overnight day in the middle of the week. We also exchange at the school. We were tired of sending her in on Wed. with nice clothes and getting back old, small, ect clothing on Thursday. She ignored us and ignored us. Finally my DH wrote her an email about the situation so that he had a paper trail of him trying to correct the issue and her being non-responsive or whatever. She still continued to "take" the clothes.
Then we sent another email, requesting that she send in an extra set of clothes (from her house). I know that would mean that we had two sets of screwed up clothes at or house but, it gets better and worked! After we had 2 sets of small, torn whatever clothes, we started going to the school (and at the end of the day) when it was her day to pick up and changed SD from our nice clothes, into clothes that she had sent her in, the week before (We also, went in at the beginning of the day on the day she sent her to us to make sure SD was not unconfortable). We again emailed so that she was aware of all the extra work we were going through to make sure that SD is comfortable and not made fun of at school and that what she was doing was making it that way. Paper trail, again.
I know that it sounds like a lot of work but, here is what happened....Every time BM would send SD in a "bad" outfit, we threw it, in a bin and picked the best 5 outfits, to send her back in. When BM got low on "bad" clothes, she had to send SD in our nice clothes that she kept from us. We then continued to keep thoes, and send her back in the other outfits, again at the end of the day... Eventually BM got upset amd had to buy her own nice clothes because no parent wants their child to go to school in the same outfit everyday!!
I hope that made sense...if not message me. I tried to explain it as best as possible, but if you are confused please let me know and I will do my best to answer questions so that you might be able to use it if you want. It works really well and we have no issues with clothes anymore...this was done 3 years ago when SD was 5 she is now 8 and have literally not had to even think about asking her to return our clothes! I promise the cycle can stop but, it might take a little work on your end, which is ridiculous but ex's are ugly, can't make them any different but, you can not play their game either....good luck
Wow you really did solve the
Wow you really did solve the problem! What you said did make sense to me, I read it carefully... and I guess I *could* do it too, in theory. But I know BS (5th grade) would be embarrassed if I came to his school to make him change into the funky clothes ExH had sent him in last time. He would be annoyed with me that I was making a big deal and making him change clothes in the middle of the day at school.
I could see how it was easier for you since your SD was only 5 when you did this whole operation.
It's good to know that it *could* be done, if I reeeeeeeeeeallly wanted to.
After thinking about it I decided to just keep buying him clothes for both households. And when BS gets a little older, he will start getting more conscious of how he dresses and he will refuse to wear too small/pee wee herman like clothing. Until then I will just let exH get over on me like he always does. Because whenever I try to think of ways to prevent it, I always realize it's going to impact BS negatively so then I give up. Someday karma is going to get ExH though, I just know it. }:)