Wow. Let's hope you don't ever take an attitude with your DH...

Why wouldn't he take her back to BM when he reached his breaking point instead of slapping her?

Oh, I so back you and the DH on the way he handled it. I am a firm believer in spanking a child and since she is too big to spank, slap her in her smart ass mouth!! Maybe she will think before she is smarts back again.

Ok-I could have this totally confused with another poster-but isn't your dh the one that also choked his D before?

Oh Ok wait, found it

http://www.steptalk.org/node/41836

I'm sorry but from everything you say...your dh and the mom need some assistance with their parenting..you have a kid acting out this severely, that by your admission has been in psych wards, bi-polar, manic, in hospitals, cuts, tries to draw attention by getting "pregnant" then the burning whatever in the room....

Your "dh" has literally almost choked her to death and she didn't care, now he slaps her....i'm sorry but the whole "parental lot" make me ill...it's no wonder the girl is so f'ed up.

He has allowed her to treat him like crap her whole life. That's on dad, not the daughter.

Dad is the one at fault. He is the one who chose not to discipline his daughter for 15 years, now it looks like he's dealing with the consequences.

It's so unfair. He made a choice to raise a child without any rules and now he get's to make a choice to "discipline " her to the extreme.

The choking and the slapping the **ish out of her ARE abuse. I understand that things happen, stuff can get physical and teens can be a pain in the ass.

But he raised her and now he has to deal with her.

She's not a toy you can reprogram with the touch of a button. This family needs counselling.

Exactly, he is hitting out of anger, he obviously does not know how to discipline and wants to bring out the big guns

there is a difference in abuse and discipline. Everyone should stop the CPS drama! There was a Dr Phil show on today where this woman and her husband had lost control of their 8 year old son, the son hit the parents, yelled, destroyed the house..and all i could think is "how does a kid gain control like this in the first place" ??? I mean these parents were literally scared of their 8 year old son. My conclusion : If they had slapped the taste out of his mouth at least one good time, there would not be grown people crying and terrified of a child. some kids do well with "time outs" or taking away privileges, however some children and teens need a good old fashion spanking or whack! Nothing excessive but as I look around at these self centered, rude ass kids/tweens and teens they were all raised during this era of "dont spank your kids" and look what winners they have turned out to be! i say kudos to your husband!!! she deserved it.

Probably most that think your husband is scum for hitting her are probably the same parents we will see on a Dr Phil show in a couple years or their kids are home cursing; yelling and dictating to them as we speak !!

Whateva

Ancient proverb - two wrongs don't make a right, applies well here. DH needs a parenting class asap & SM you need to disengage if you can't be "nicer" to SD. She's 15 & doesn't have to change if she doesn't want to. She's passed the age of develpmental reasononing. How about a mentor-someone she can trust & look up to b.c. she can get worse and be around forever (quite a long time in my book). So, he slapped her this time, choked her last time, what's next -- a knive to the heart or lamp over the head?

I feel bad for that poor girl. Her dad, who loves her, has choked and splapped her out of anger. What do you think will happen when she starts dating and some loser who says he loves her starts to beat on her? Think she wil be able to walk away? Or will she think that it's normal for a man that loves you, to slap, choke... you when you make him angry?

What happens when his sons are older and they push him to the edge. Will slapping/choking be ok then?

What's the deal with the mother? Why in the world would she allow her daughter to be around him after he has choked her? If she were my daughter, I wouldn't bother with CPS. I would have had someone beat the crap out of him.

I think spanking is fine. However, I bet your DH would have felt awful if SD died as a result of his choking her. He probably would face prison time, too. The next time she does something that gets him so angry he feels like choking her, he should call the police and have them put her in handcuffs instead. Has he talked to the pastor about this choking episode? What does the pastor say about it?

I wasn't going to post a oomment but clearly I've changed my mind. The truth is that this generation of children have no respect, no boundaries, no real goals and no role models. Everyone is so damn busy with their lives that we forget how to treat each other.

We live in a disposible world and our children are taught this from a very young age...disposable diapers, juice cups, wipes, ect.. to a point where people are disposable. While I dont believe in violence I have no patience for rudness or stupidity. Yes your DH seems to have crossed a line with the chocking incident..I know sometimes we all loose our cool...but that seems extreme to me. Do I believe in a good splap on the ass...absolutely...kids need discipline and guidance...

Your SD seems to be a handful and honestly if she's that disruptive and doesn't seem to want to come to your house then leave her be at her BM or grandmother...your home will be much better off.

Fix you and him and then proceed to move forward with his daughter..if she doesn't want a healthy respectful relationship with her dad then that's her decision...but your DH does not or should not put up with her nonsense...

I do hope everything works out...warmest wishes.. Z

Honestly, with the cutting, the sexual acting out, the fire.... when he choked her, you said that she looked like she didn't care if he killed her....

Are you sure your DH isn't sexually abusing her?

Really, all of you judgmental, "better than everyone else and need to tell us how good you are" people have never ever lost it for just a minute??? Thats great for you. For the rest of us normal everyday people who have just once lost their head and said something really mean or thrown something across the room or slammed a door really hard or god forbid choked a kid when they tried to kill our other two children, good for you too. You've obviously tried the super mommy method and it didn't work so you did what you had to do.

I don't agree with choking but for gods sake give this woman and her dh a break. He didn't kill the little bitch, he did all he could do in the moment. Slapping her??? Really ... Seriously big fucking whoop... She should have been slapped several times before. When my son was two, he absolutely would not stay in a car seat. Once I reached back and smacked his arm so hard it left welts. He was two. I cried. He never got out of that fucking car seat again. And he grew up to play d1 football on an academic scholarship and is now a successful business man with a college degree and wife.

What the hell is wrong with you people that u think you can judge her when all your little precious brat has ever dared to do is spill a little milk or lie about where the playdoh is! Stop judging and give her some support and help!

Cripes!!

I tell you, I never raised my voice, cursed, or layed a finger on my husband's kids.

But if I'd been the BM to those kids, I'd kicked their smart mouth lazy sneakin' lying asses from one end of the neighborhood to the other.

I have to tell you I understand where the op's dh is coming from. I will tell you I did the same thing with my dd when she about that same age. We got into several physical fights. However it wasn't that I set out to slap or hit my dd or even choke her, it was that she kept going and going and going and would not stop. I think a lot of girls at that age have to push and push til their parent finally pushes to their limit. I remember I did the very same thing to my mom and after dd and I got into I realized I had done the very same thing and my mom had had enough of me and my attitude that she gave me an adjustment! My mom grabbed my hair and slammed my head in the wall just hard enough to get my attention.

Sometimes it takes a little extra for some to get it but after once or twice normally that crap stops. I remember my cousin her mom punshed her in the face and she fell backwards and flipped over the couch.

But one thing I do remember out of all of these incidents is that each and everyone of us came back to our moms and apologized after realizing that we needed that extra kick in the pants. I know that now looking back on that day with my mom I know in my heart she didn't do it to be mean or abuse me it was to make for sure I grew up with pride and respect. My dd told me the same thing after she thought about it and she said she was acting like a little horses ass and I did the right thing b/c she doesn't want to be person that was respectful and thought the world revolved around her little butt.

HTe reason I am responding today and not before now is b/c today is my dd's 18th bday and she and I spent the whole day together and she brought up that time when she was 15-16 and said mom "thank you for putting me in place and teaching me that I was acting like a spoiled brat." I did not prompt this she was just reflecting and wanted to talk.

Well Roseybird, If my SD had done all that I would have slapped her in her mouth too and so would my husband. According to social services in our area as long you don't leave a mark, you are fine. I can tell you that those behaviors would not be tolerated in our house. period. I think you are totally right in what you said about SD avoiding coming to your house, my SD used to do that too. If she had done something she would not want to come because she knew my husband was not going to put up with that shit. Yes, when kids get to a certain age it is more effective at times to take away a privilege, like the cell phone, but these kids these days have so much attitude they just act like whatever you threaten them with they don't care. I hope you husband doesn't get in any trouble about it just so you won't have to deal with the court system. Like i said, I agree with what he did, for what that matters to anyone.

Someone on this blog made this comment:
"She's 15 & doesn't have to change if she doesn't want to"

Clearly parents and people who think this way is the reason for the ungrateful, undisciplined jerks that we are over loaded with today. Geezzz

ok. Shocked! your DH was in the right in my opinion. maybe he didnt need to slap the ish out of her but asking her 3 times to do something come the freak on. why is it that kids dont understand that when you are asked by an ADULT to do something (as long as it is not something to harm them or unethical) it means you have to do it and not talk back about doing it? If no punishment works other than spanking, slapping, or whatever...maybe the child needs therapy? I dont understand why people are so hard on the parents that try to control kids and dont care what the other parent that lets them get away with everything is doing. that is why kids get messed up. i understand divorce and you cant tell the other how to raise the child in their home but good grief rules are rules regardless of where you are. i hope things get better for you and that she realizes that you DH didnt slap her to be mean to her he did it to correct her. I am sure he still loves her just the same as he did before he did it.

I say the next time she wants to set something on fire or break the law in any way let her litttle butt go jail. It sounds to me like up until recently she has never had to deal with the consequences of her actions. A youth correctional facility would be a nice little slap in the face for her. How do I know this? It was just the little reality check that I needed.

I was completely out of control as a child. Drinking, doing drugs, and skipping school. I was never sexually active thankfully. My mother had huge addictive problems so she wasn't setting the best example for me.

So here's my story of when I got the dose of reality I needed.

I was 15 at the time. I got out of school and desided that I wanted to throw a party at my house. I had around 30 people there, 200 dollars of alcohol, pot, bongs, pipes you name it. My mom came home and told everyone to leave. I tried to leave and she pushed me down on the floor. I was so drunk that I passed out as soon as I hit the floor. By the time I woke up she had called the police. I tried to leave and she stopped me. I attacked her and had her pinned on the floor when the cops showed up. I started yelling at her and pointing at her in front of the cops. The cops told me that pointing is considered a threat so what did I do? I started pointing and yelling at them. (I had that nobody's going to tell me what to do, I do what I want attitude. One of the cops grabbed me and slammed into a wall. I tried to take on 3 cops at that point in time. Didn't really work out very well. Let's just say that they beat the crap out of me. I ended up in a youth correctional facility. Then I went to 3 different rehabilitation centers for drugs and alcohol and got kicked out of every single one. I ended up in military school. That school turned my little butt around. I couldn't leave, I had to deal with the consequences of my actions, and I had to sober up and deal with the issues that were causing me act out. There was structure and consistency there. The sargents actually cared. That school changed my life. I would have continued down the same path and probably wouldn't have made it to 18. I look back and I am not happy with how I acted but it was the best mistake that I have ever made. That one mistake saved me.

The military school that I went to was free. At the time it was called the national guard youth academy. Plus they have job skills training and when you graduate they pay you for all the time that you went to work. You should look into it. There may not be one in your state but the price of a plane ticket would be well worth the results. Believe me when I tell you the sargents there will not put up with her crap. It's a boot camp that from what they explained to me the only branch of the military that has a harder boot camp is the US Marines. And their's is shorter in time. Just to give you an idea of how they do their punishments, I had to drag around a 200 lb sled packed full of snow where ever I went when I was outside. All the other girls had a partner but not me becuase I was such a brat. They also believe in group punishment meaning you get punished everybody gets punished. Believe me when I tell you that having everybody that you live with hate you is not something anybody likes. It's quite effective. Especially when things start to happening to you. Here's a link to their site. You should check it out.

http://www.ngycp.org/site/files/u1/home_splash.jpg

As for the slapping thing, it's a slap. I got popped in the mouth by my dad when I mouthed off. And yes I deserved it. The choking thing may have been a bit much but I have no idea how I would have reacted had I been in that situation. My older brother let one of his shadey homeless friends live in his walk in closet. That kid was there when everybody left for the day and was there when I got home from school and was all by myself. My dad was so pissed. This kid could have done some pretty horible things to me. I came home from school and my dad had my brother by the neck in the corner of the dining room pinned up against a wall with his feet just dangling in the air. I can assure you that my brother never did that again.

e

In my world, CPS should NOT show up at ANYONE'S house for a one time "attention getter."

Judging from the CPS employees (aka the BEHEMOTH who is a notorious FREE RANGER which is a TRILLION times more abusive to a chid then the rare corporal punishment) I see that CPS has become the tool of the vindictive ex-spouse and never really prosecutes REAL child abuse as it's too dangerous and politically incorrect.

Echo and Overit, Im with you completely.

OP there is no doubt this is a problem child with extremely serious behavior issues, and she clearly is driving you batty- but you are the adults -exercise some self discipline here! Tell me how is slapping the shit out of her modelling rational, reasonable adult behavior?? The opposite -you are showing her that violence is an acceptable way to solve problems. You guys need to step back and get counselling for YOURSELVES to get your head around your handling her without losing it. As a former problem child from a home with violence and emotional abuse issues, there is not a shred of doubt in my mind that this approach is contributing to your SD adjustment problems.

I think he did the right thing, we can all only be pushed so far, this slap did'nt happen just because she wanted to stay at Grandma's, this is a chain of events and bad behaviour that have led to some serious discipline that in my opinion was well deserved, I was caned as a child it did me no harm, maybe now she will realise Daddy means business, I think Daddy was doing his daughter a favour, lack of boundaries and a lack of control lead to bad behavior and bad attitude, what chance does a child have in their future life if someone dos'nt care enough to lay the law down when needed?