Dealing with the stepdaughter
I am very new to the whole forum thing. I don't know how this works exactly. But I'm gonna give it ago. I have to reach out for some guidance from people who may be in similar situations. I am having some issues with trying to deal with my teen step-daughter. A little history info on us may help. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. Only married for 6 mos. Didn't meet his children till the second year of our relationship. All was well in the beginning with his daughter. His son never excepted me. I guess it doesn't help when their mother fills their head lies and speaks negatively toward us. Within the last year though his daughter has become more sarcastic and disrespectful toward me. My husband seems to think shes joking all the time. She is 17. I'm not sure if he's choosing to ignore her behavior or just doesn't see it. He also doesn't give her much needed guidance and discipline. I noticed last year her behavior was beginning to be quite promiscuous with her father. Examples: she would where spaghetti tops with the front of it puled down that her bra cups and cleavage would be hanging out, if he was sitting on the recliner she would come up behind him and plant her breasts on top of his head as she gave him a hug. She still leans backwards over the arm of the sofa and makes sure her top slides up to expose her midriff. I finally had to say something to him and this behavior as it made me very uncomfortable. She has gotten a little better. Now she'll wear a button down blouse and leave the top ones so that she is still exposing herself to him. When I asked her to button up she rolled her eyes and said "I don't get what the big deal is". When we went out to dinner with my son and his girlfriend for his birthday she sat in the middle of the back to seat to separate them. I asked her to move over so they can sit together and again out came the sarcasm. Her father never says anything to her. Even when I look to him for support he says "she was just joking". Now she is demanding a key to our house because he didn't pick her up early enough this past weekend for their visitation when she wanted to come over and she new I wasn't home. We do have a room just for her and have made it quite clear that she is more than welcome to move in. She lives with her mom and doesn't want to leave her. I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable with giving her a key just because she has a bedroom here. I don't know how to deal with her sarcasm anymore. I definitely can't ignore my husbands refusal to deal with every situation that arises. All he says is he wants us to get along. I feel I am being disrespected by both. Please, please can anyone give me any advise on how to cope. I feel like I'm going to explode and really say something I'm going to regret.
Do not give the key. We have
Do not give the key. We have 50/50 of SS12 and no custody of SD15. SD will never have a key. Now we had a key pad put in the garage door and gave the code to SS last month. I stood there lecturing him that if anyone ever broke in the house we would know that he gave them the code and we would change it and not give him the code. He doesn't have a key.
SD actually used to come to our house on our off week and take all her personal care products to her moms. So we had to replace it all the next week when she forgot to bring it back. I busted her one time and she lost it on me.
He can't stand his sister, so I doubt he would give her the code. His mom is my bigger fear.
BM had the garage programmed on her car and I didn't know until we had been married over a year. She let her son in the house to get something and I was recovering from surgery. I lost it on DH and the code was changed the next day. I still get mad thinking that she was opening and closing the garage when we weren't home.
DO not give up the key. She doesn't need it unless she lives with you. And even then I wouldn't trust these teenagers if I didn't have to.
Agree! ^^
Agree!
I think your DH is letting
I think your DH is letting this girl get away with anything because, like many non custodial dads, he fears losing her regard if he confronts her. Try and reassure him that this will not happen, if anything she will increase her respect of him if he sets a few boundaries.
Moreover, you need him to do this because you are getting more and more uncomfortable with several aspects of her behaviour, namely the inappropriate flirting with her dad, and the sarcastic and disrespectful tone she takes with you. It is immaterial whether he deems it "just joking" - it is bothering you and he needs to address it with her.
Don't let her have a key. She is just seeing how far she can bully you.
this grosses me out so bad
this grosses me out so bad and I am so sorry for your situation. Her behavior toward her father is sickening. Your DH won't control this situation, so you are left feeling helpless. I can tell you that if it were me, it would build up to a point where my sarcasm would start.
"Gee SD aren't you grossed out that your father can see your tits? Ewe"
If you brought up the weird daughter flirtation, he would probably say you are sick for even thinking it. Fathers just don't see what their daughters do.
As far as the key, don't do it. I am still trying to work on SO to get ours back after SD moved out of our home.
I'm dealing with my own SD15s mouth now. I get told about "joking" too. Um well I didn't find it funny. I found it disrespectful.
BELIEVE ME I bite my tongue
BELIEVE ME I bite my tongue on this one a lot. she's nor flirtatious with daddy, but dresses in low cut and tight clothes. Dad notices but doesnt' say anything.
I don't know what the answer
I don't know what the answer is. I've pointed out to the both of them that it smacks of Oedipus complex. What I really meant was ELECTRA COMPLEX but I was too ticked off. And yep... she plays stupid... he's shocked. I have had to tell him that it is WRONGGGGGG to share suggestive text msgs with your 17 yr old daughter. And i've had to tell him that sharing your trials and tribulations regarding your sex life with your 17 yr old.... is wayyyyyyyy wayyyyyyy wrong. And they look at me as if I am a monster to suggest anything improper. : (
Yes, how ridiculous that
Yes, how ridiculous that anyone thinks its strange for them to talk about sexual encounters with one another. EEEEEEEWE
OK, so everyone's on the same
OK, so everyone's on the same page as me. Thank god I'm not going crazy! My husband is picking up SD tonight to sit down and talk about the issues at hand. How do I get my point across about the house key? Husband doesn't see anything wrong with her having a key. I just know that once she gets that key she will have won power over me, and she use it anytime she wants. Should ground rules be set if I lose the battle for privacy in our home? I feel so lost in this relationship all of a sudden. Is it wrong for me to feel like I'm being put on the back burner?
I would absolutely not give
I would absolutely not give her a key! You need to tell DH that it will be a huge issue with you if he does. If mine did that he would come home to a changed lock himself!! Guess I'm mean like that!! lol
Good luck with the "girls" hanging out!! I believe I would lose my mind on her AND him!! That needs to be put in check for sure!!
I 1000% percent agree with
I 1000% percent agree with everyone on the key thing (it's your home and you must feel secure! everyone deserves at least that!).
Re: the boobs I am floored. You'd think a few well places comments would EMBARRASS her into stopping. Wtf! Sorry I know that doesn't help. I would probably say to a 16 year old, at the moment she is doing it, "So, what do you think your friends would say if they knew you were showing off your boobs to your own dad/pressing your boobs on your dad/etc" and see if THAT got her thinking!
I know this my sound
I know this my sound seriously FKD up but, if I said anything to her I would end up looking like an ass for being sarcastic to a "17 year old girl". I refuse to let her get the better of me. I guess it will all come down to the wire tonight.
Nope you are 1000%
Nope you are 1000% right...and no key!!!
You don't really need to
You don't really need to offer a justification to your DH for not letting her have a key, but if you feel you have to I would be inclined to say the truth, that you do not have sufficient confidence in her to trust her with the security of your home. 17 yr olds have been known to hold parties when parents are away and trash the place.
If appropriate you could perhaps allow a trusted neighbour to be a key holder and let the SD in, if there is an emergency.