I think it depends on how you look at your relationship.

Our children were in our wedding. And were a part of the ceremony- we took vows with them as well as ours. They were sd8, dd6 and ss2

I told my schildren that by marrying their dad on this day and taking him as my husband that I we have joined two families into one- that I promised to love and cherish them and I was happy to have them as my family.

the girls received a necklace, ss a watch.

but that is my experience and what I wanted.

Dh and I have been married since our kids were 3,2, and 1. We ran away to Las Vegas and had a private ceremony with just the two of us and our best friends. It was a lovely, beautiful ceremony (no Elvis impersonators!).

If we werent married-I am not sure I would marry him now knowing all I do about ss-but if I did-NO I absolutely wouldnt want ss in my wedding. But it really depends on your relationship. SS makes every effort to let me know he doesnt like me or my kids and does not want to be part of "our" family-so it would seem very false to have him a part of it(he's almost 13). Almost like a mockery.

This is something I have been dreading for a while. DH and I haven't had the big religious ceremony, just the civil ceremony and I'm stressing the big wedding. I have never been a fan of kids at formal parties so I don't want ANY kids at the wedding, but I know that if SS is the only one there he will cling to DH and I don't want to have DH be babying him the whole night! I wouldn't be opposed to having SS there if I knew it wasn't going to be a hassle for the night. I don't really know how to approach DH about this and I know he is going to get all butt-hurt if I tell him I don't want kids there and then get all annoyed if I tell him SS can come but that the night is about US and not SS. Please let me know if you figure this out!

If you really feel this way about skid.. I'd say you might want to question marrying your fiance at all. Skid is part of your fiance, so if you can't accept that, you should probably just get out. What if you had a kid and he was asking these questions about her/him?

When I married dh I wanted to be stepmom of the century. Ha! I was also pg with our dd so we had a small wedding. No big wedding party. We each had one attendant then my niece and nephew were ring bearer/flower girl. Ss wasn't 'in' the wedding. However, I DID have a certain part of our ceremony where I presented ss with a Bible and he went up there. He was 7 and really excited and surprised. He also got to stay up there next to dh while we went on with the ceremony. That was all my idea. Had I been forced to do something I prob wouldn't have wanted to. A few months later a friend of mine married a divorced man with two kids. She actually presented both kids with something as well as made 'vows' promises to them. She told them how much she loved them and that she'd always be there for them.

But it is YOUR day and about you 2. So if you don't want to include ss then don't. I don't have regrets involving ss. He looked cute in his tux! It also made him feel a part of our lives and future. There are things you could do if you wanted to include him- he could make sure guests sign the guest book, be an 'usher', or you can google and find ceremony things for stepkids.

I had my skids in the wedding. I wouldn't have had it any other way. They are part of our life and I would not have gotten married if I had gone into it with resentment an thoughts if them as baggage. What does your fiancé say about this? If you feel this way already I would think carefully about choosing this life. The kids will always be a part of every decision that you make

I would not marry him. You are carrying a lot of baggage about his past marriage and step kids do not go away. You're attitude towards them is going to show and he is going to grow weary of it. Eventually this will result in another failed marriage.

I'm serious here - I've been through it. Find a guy with no kids.

All of my SS are in my wedding. SS12 is a junior groomsmen, SD7 is the Flowergirl, SS5 &SS4 are ring bearers. I would have never thought of having the wedding without them, it makes it much more difficult on me, but I feel like not including them is saying they are not included in our life which is not the case!

I had my ss in my wedding 3 yrs ago when he was 5. He was the ring bearer. I also had questioned if I wanted kids there but we viewed it as the union of our family, not just the 2 of us. We actually had a venue with a side room and hired a sitter for the kids with activities and movies. When I met my DH and SS I understood that it was a package deal. Before them, I never wanted to have kids let alone be a smom. But as I got to know them and became a part of their family I realized I could and wanted to. I would really think seriously about marrying someone with kids if you only see them as baggage. I often feel that way about BM but never about SS. Yeah it brings many challenges and it was a choice he made before you met but like I said before, its a package deal.

hahahah - I just wrote a blog on this awhile ago...and i have discussed this with fiance - and I refuse to set a wedding date. HE had his first wedding how he wanted it. He needs to give me that chance too. This is what would happen if I allowed kids in and at my wedding:

Ceremony - SD's hanging on FH's leg...talking really freaking loud and crying. They'd get whatever they could find all over their dresses. And SD8 would for sure make it about her and hang all over everyone.

Reception: First dance as a married couple - SD's hanging on dad's leg. Sitting on laps at Bridal party table...meanwhile - his 4 nephews licking their fingers and sticking them in the cake....banging chairs...crying...GOD ONLY KNOWS.

You do what you want. It's your wedding day and if your guests don't like it - TOUGH. They don't have to attend. And they can get a sitter for the night too. It is a formal party - not a "family function" that is an amusement park - this is a fun night that may involve alcohol where adults can come out and make it a fun date night. Its one freaking day - they don't have to be involved.

....p.s. There are like 14 children in FH's family...I only have 2 in mine and I have no children of my own - and to top it all off - my relationship with my fsd's is NOT as horrible as some I have read on here. I just really feel that I want a day where I don't have to worry about where the kids are - if they are going to behave - if BM is going to show up and raise hell for no reason....I just want a day with my fiance and I. Surrounded by friends and family (even if I can't stand some of them....) I am at the point in my life where I don't care what everyone else thinks - I want a quiet...nice...FUN...day to remember - I dont want the memory of kids destroying things because their parents won't watch them.

A coworker introduced me to FDH. FDH was the best man in her wedding to his best friend in October. FSS was their ring bearer. FDH wants FSS to do it again for ours, which is fine with me. He was perfectly behaved. FSS and I get along really well, and he's excited that I'm part of the family. Personally, I would feel a little weird not including him. But, we also have tons of friends with kids, and will probably have quite a few kids at our ceremony. We're planning a pretty relaxed event. I live with both of them full time, though, since FDH has custody. We haven't really discussed it in any other fashion other than that. I think I would feel a little weird saying vows to a child. And, I don't really feel like thanking him for sharing his dad with me is appropriate, since we don't need his permission. I do like the idea of getting him something, though. I care about FSS a lot. He's a great kid. I see don't see him as a reminder that things don't work out. I see so much potential in him because he's smart, considerate, funny, and sweet. That's not to say I don't have my fears about what could happen, but I'm betting on his good qualities.

All that being said, that's my experience. I can understand not wanting kids at a more formal affair. I can understand wanting to keep it about you and your fiance and not the whole family. However, your fiance might feel like his son is part of him.

I chose to ask SD to be my only attendant because she seemed really happy about me at the time (she was 10). It went fine except she chewed gum during the ceremony - I didn't say anything because I thought DH or his parents would tell her to spit it out, but no. At least you can't tell in the photos and I never have watched the video lol!

But I wanted her to know I considered her important and definitely included her as a part of our new family together.

My friend had a beautiful outdoor spring wedding and came down the aisle in her georgeous dress, with her daughter wrapped around one leg, screaming the entire ceremony. To me just as a guest it ruined everything. I don't know why she let her daughter do that, and the marriage later failed. Not sure there is a connection of course.

So basically you may know what to expect re. the behavior - if there is any question, no way and too bad.

UGH! i was basically strong armed into having the little brats in my wedding. AND mil was supposed to watch them so we could enjoy "OUR" day. the little snot nose boy was so stuck to dh the whole time it was embarrassing, couldn't get a picture of the men without his cry baby ass there ruining it (7 yrs later and he's still a big fat, little man titty cry baby). ironically sd wasn't so bad, b/c my niece was there to entertain her.

i would vote NOT to included skids, BUT you may not have a choice. be very specific of their places and have a plan for them to be out of your hair. don't count on dh's family to keep them from ruining your day bring back up to run interference, if it weren't for my bff i would have dotted mil's eye in a big way with her bullshit antics!

good luck!!

i didn't read the responses but what your post tells me is that you need to think again before marrying this man especially if all his kid is to you is "baggage" or "reminders of the past" and the "stupidity of his past" :?

imo OF COURSE the skids need to be a part of the ceremony it's a package deal to be with this man.

as a skid myself there is nothing worse than a step parent that tells the skid "you're nothing more than a burdeon to me"

and that's exaclty what i just heard

i hope your fiance doesn't know you feel this way

my feelings exactly (except pluralize kid):

"all his kid is to you is "baggage" or "reminders of the past" and the "stupidity of his past"

absolutely i would have my boyfriend's daughter in our wedding (if we ever can get our acts 2gether to have a wedding, haha). we are forming a family together and SHE is apart of that, more than any friend or cousin i would have as a brides maid.
but! i don't have a stepkid that despises me or is a major pain in the ass. If i did, i would probably be worried to have them in my wedding. so, i guess it all depends on your relationship with his kids.

I have to say that this post makes me really sad for everyone involved. For my wife and I not only was my son at the wedding he was a big part of the wedding ceremony. Your new stepson is not a part of some failed marriage from the past. That is just the wrong way to look at things. He is a part of YOUR future.

I don't think the s/kids should be part of the wedding party unless you are warm towards them and they can be trusted to behave.

If not then they can be there as important guests but not in the main party.

My daughter is marrying in a month. She is having a small and elegant wedding. Her 4 yr old daughter is going to be a flowergirl but then she loves her stb step father and he her.

I understand the need to have a nice adult event BUT he does have baggage and it scares me to think that you already have so much animosity towards a child that really did not ask to be born. Shouldn't you be blaming your fiance for having unprotected sex with his sons mother? Why blame the child for his father's 'sins'?

I get you want the me me me wedding and you being a princess and making out like you are both first timers and virgins. How any wedding or religous event prior to this day should just be forgotten and put in context as an ooops. But your fiance has a past as do you. And accepting him as your husband means accepting his child. If you cannot accept his child as part of his life then call the whole thing off because unless you run the kid over he isn't going away anytime soon. He will be around as a constant reminder that marriages do not always work out and life comes to a screeching halt. So you want to play 'pretend' for a day? Then don't invite anyone divorced or who ever has split from a love interest.

I would see the child as a reminder as to why you work harder for a marriage otherwise these kids grow up to be practically radioactive fallout of stupid mothers and guilt ridden fathers.

Which also may pan out. If you don't warm to this kid anytime soon his father WILL pick up on it and 'make up' for you being mean by buying the kid anything he wants or allowing him free reign which only gets worse as he gets older.

By all means have him at the service and reception but make sure he is sitting with a reliable relative who can escort him out if he misbehaves or makes a fuss.

I had my 16 yr old daughter refuse to be bridesmaid and DHs sons didn't have a clue about weddings as they had never been to any before. So the bridal party was me, DH, his friend and my friend. And we were both OK with this.

I also made it my mission to train my s/sons on proper table manners and behaiour in public. And that is still a workv in progress but we are making headway.

"The kid is part of the past."
Big red flag. The kid is not just a part of his past. The way you are looking at this is definitely going to cause resentment and hatred from the kid. Do you think that his "past" is just going to go away? Got over these feelings or you should not marry this man. Sounds like you already hate and resent his kid, this will show in the relationship (sooner or later) and then he will hate and resent you. Most of us on this site have a resentment to our skids that was created and/or allowed by our DH or SO, sounds like your SO's only mistake so far is that he had a life before he met you.

His were ringbearers in our wedding. Walked down the aisle with the pillows and sat their butts down next to their grandmother. That's it. That was enough for me. After we came back from our honeymoon my FIL was telling me that before our wedding ceremony DH's youngest figured out that after he brought the pillow down he wouldn't be doing anything else during the ceremony. Don't know what he thought he would be doing. But he was a little upset. And I just thought to myself, boo hoo. It wasn't about you, brat.

Really the day is about you, but you also have to think too that your FDH does have a child and if you didn't want to have him as a part of your wedding then FDH would probably be greatly offended. Although I think the child being a best man is a little too much. I'm not sure if 12 is too old for a ringbearer??? But, the child exists whether you like it or not. And this is just the beginning of having to deal with it. Makes sure you can handle that before you walk down that aisle! Good luck!

I agree with others who have said that you need to think seriously about whether you're ready to get married at the moment. I felt the same as you for a long time, that the skids were a constant reminder of his past relationship and the fact he had sex with another woman (a nasty, ugly one at that), but he's not with her any more, and unfortunately the kids will always be part of his life despite the face he's no longer with their mother. I still cringe to think about them having sex and creating these kids (all 3 were accidents according to him), but I was also married before and have a grown up bd from my first marriage so can't really be a hypocrite.

My dh has 3 kids and at the time we got married were 5,6 and 12. We'd agreed that the younger 2 would only come to the ceremony and the party in the afternoon, as they're clingy and attention seeking and I did not want them spoiling our evening party by whining for attention and demanding dh put them to bed with a story at 8pm. I was also determined we were going to have a wedding night at a nice hotel and while my parents were happy for oldest ss to sleep at their house for the night, there was no way I was asking them to babysit 2 young, demanding, whiny kids and miss our evening party. BM was due to pick them up younger ss's after the afternoon party, but we agreed that oldest ss would be at the evening party as he was 12 and would have a great time and not be whining "daaaaaaaa" every five minutes. I also have a nephew the same age who was invited, so it would not have been fair to exclude oldest ss, plus my own daughter was 17 at the time and there was no way I was leaving her out so I was happy with the arrangement. As it turned out, both younger skids were ill so they went to BM's the day before as they were not fit to attend the wedding at all. I felt very relieved, as I must admit I was worried about hearing "daaaaaaaad" all afternoon and having them climbing all over him and expecting him to entertain them. He was upset that they couldn't be there and I had to pretend the same.

My DD13 and SD13 and SS11 (at the time) were all included in our wedding...this weekend will make our 1 year anniversary!! My daughter walked me down the aisle since my sweet dad is in Heaven. SD and SS stood with their dad and when our preacher asked "Who gives this woman...?", DD said "I do" and when it was time for us to join hands, my daughter "gave me" to DH and his kids each had one of his hands and "gave him" to me. I thought it was a really sweet moment and it all went really well. The kids were very happy to have been a part of the wedding!!!

I didn't read the other responses except Echo's since it was last and I have to say while I don't agree with her delivery at all I tend to agree with the point she's trying to make.Yes the skid is part of a past relationship.Yes the skid is part of a failed relationship.But the skid is still very much part of your fiance's present and future.I am no child worshipper by any means if you see my last blog!lol but a child is not a representation of anything but present and future.You love your fiance and you know it would be so much for him to have his child standing there.Why not make it meaningful and full of hope rather than considering his presence as an ugly reminder of the past?I know it's going to be hard to do that but just think of how highly your fiance will regard you for doing something so unselfish for him.Maybe google "how to make my skid part of the wedding" i bet a million really great ideas pop up that you could do and tolerate.
Good luck!And congrats!

I don't have children and I think you should try to at least give him a teeny part in your day as a way of showing your fiance that you value his feelings and needs.it should be teeny part though and your fiance should be happy with it to show you that your feelings and needs are valued as well.

My father passed away when I was a toddler. My mother and I are not close. I have no children. My husband has SD(who was 7 at the time).

She walked me down the "isle". It was a super casual evening candelight ceremony. She walked with me then sat with her grandma. She was supposed to stand with us, but decided not to in that moment. It was fine. She was fine. We all were fine.....

....except by that time I was well on my way to drunkness.

Believe me...i'm not a drinker. And if you read my posts from that time, we almost called off the wedding. I remember thinking that day that booze would get me through it. And it did.

AAaaaah...good times....

I have one word for you: elope. It eliminates the need for all this worry about who should or shouldn't be in the wedding.

DH and I were married on a carribean island. We had 2 strangers who stood as our witnesses. Then we had a small reception for family and friends a few months later. No hard feelings for anyone.

Well my step children were suppose to be in my wedding, but a week before their mother decided they could not be in it. Now, tht was extremely difficult. My husband was devestated. I think you should do what is best for the both of you. I personally would have loved for them to be in my wedding becasue it would make my husband happy. But, I guess she wanted to make sure she was hurting someone...so they were not in it. Good Luck.

"Isn't my wedding day the one day that is all about me and my guy and our future?"
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It is your wedding day as well as your guy's wedding day. It should be about you, him, & your future. The fact is, however, that his son is undoubtedly going to be a significant part of your future.

"It is a day of princesses and fairy tales and everything white and happy and sunny and beautiful"
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This is not the reality of step-life sweetie...even for a day. Princesses & fairy tales??? How about unicorns & rainbows? Please...

Step-life is not for the faint of heart, or for those who are too selfish to accept what is likely the most important part of another person's heart. How would it make you feel to know your man had the mindset toward a child of your own that you have toward his?

I seriously recommend you re-think this marriage.

I think we definately would-shoot IF we get married-by the time we do they'll all be close to teenage years So should be able to behave themselves.

We also want something simple-by a lake/beach w/immediate friends/family, something small. So there won't be bridsemaids/best man, all of that. I'm not sure what I would ask the SD to do..but I have considered having my two sons walk down the aisle with me-(not to give me away-that part would be omitted as well as the word obey in the vows)...it feels weird to have my dad do it at this age. It's more like an accompanying thing.

Also-not sure how I would approach my dad-he's a minister and married all 3 of us kids but I don't think I'd want him to marry me again-probably because he married me w/my 1st and it went wrong and it's just weird to me ha!

Fairtale happy and sunny...product of the it's MY WEDDING day, me me me...the focus is more on the wedding day and all the glory the bride receives vs what the wedding really symbolizes...which is the harsh reality of LIFE as a UNION of two people. The wedding is BOTH their days-merges two lives...those lives have families with them...it's about companionship and sacrifice and unity.

“Allow your Skid in your wedding” :?

Not your call.

If your fiancé wants his kid in the wedding as part of his wedding party then you have no say just as he has no say in who you select for your wedding party.

Of course the best way to address this topic is for your and your fiancé to discuss it and agree on what the Skid(s) will do at the wedding.

IMHO of course.

In hind site my wife and I agree that we would have included SS from the very beginning. He was only 1yo and did not understand why he could not be with his mom and I and freaked until I paused the minister and took the kid from my brother who holding SS. His mom and I then held him while we finished the ceremony and the kid was happy as could be.

Neither my wife nor I had any attendants so it was initially just the two of us and the minister.

Wow- I am really surprised by a lot of the comments here. If she doesnt want her ss in the wedding what is the big freaking deal? Why are you telling her she should not get married?

How many of us really would WANT our skids in our wedding party? Is that truly any of our dreams? "I cant wait til I get married someday to a man with a kid so he can stand up at the altar with us as my fdh's best man?"

A wedding is between two people-and God if you are Christian. It is not about two people, their kids, their parents, cousin George, and your granny.

She's not saying this kid can't come to the wedding, that she hates him or hopes he dies-she's saying she would rather he not be in the wedding party. My guess is the kid doesnt WANT to be in the wedding party-how many 12 year old boys are jumping for joy at the idea of being in a wedding? One that serves as a reminder to HIM that his parents are not together. If the op had kids and were excluding him, yes, I could see that as wrong-but it is my understanding that she is not including any kids.

If she wants this special day to be solely about her and her dh's relationship I see nothing wrong with that. The person she needs to discuss this is with her fdh. Maybe it is something really important to him-which I believe she said if it was she would go along with it, but perhaps it really isnt that big of a deal to him and he would be happy to concede to her wishes. Isnt that what marriage is all about? Being unselfish with the person you are pledging your life to? No offense to the lovely children, but it is NOT about pledging your life to your skid or making them happy on a day to celebrate your love and committment to your spouse.

I've been married twice to a man with kids. The first time my sd was 14. I did not have a contentious relationship with her at that point-truthfully didnt know her all that well. She was not in our wedding party. She did get to pick out a new outfit and she passed out programs and favors. It wasnt even an issue with my dh and I-neither one of us even considered it nor did she seem to expect it.

As I stated earlier, the second time around our children were all young and none of them were included. It didnt doom our wedding that we didnt make our children part of our ceremony. Again MY DH and I (the two people getting married) decided what was right for us.

Forever, this is a day about you and your fdh. That's it. Just the two of you. Please discuss it with him and do what is right for the both of you.

Forever2 - I say your day your choices - marriage is between a man and a woman (not saying it can't be between a man and a man or woman and an woman) but in this case man and a woman - not man, woman and any child that may be attached to either person. When I got married my DH had a son and psycho EX (had not met her yet and did not know she was that way - also first time dating a man and meeting his child so had no idea what to expect) we had SS at the wedding but certainly not in the wedding. Looking back at all of the pictures SS looks so mad and sad - and I had no idea because he seemed so happy with us getting married and we had gotten along the few times I had met him.

See DH moved 700 miles away 5 months after we met - I flew out to see him 2 weeks after he left and then a month later and he proposed and 6 months later we got married with me flying out to visit him for a week every month until our wedding. So I only met SS 5 times before we got married - so I had no problem with him coming to the wedding but I was not going to have him standing up in front of everyone with us - and no it was not DH's day - it was mine and he was along for the ride - I tried to include him in the decision making but since he was 700 miles and a guy he said I could have it any way I wanted.

Now when I first read your post I was a bit taken aback by the whole past and baggage thing but then when I read you explanation inside of the blog - I totally get you - see I was so naive and ignorant when I married DH - I had no idea that situations could get so bad - in fact I just read a letter last night that I had written DH 2 1/2 years after we were married and I swear we were headed for divorce - but because of that letter and me standing up for myself and fighting for my marriage and husband and family and telling him no more bullshit from BM or SS my marriage made it - lucky for me SS 3 years after moving in with us decided his mother's would be better and she would pay more attention to him because at 12 he could not understand how a newborn baby could need so much attention. Funny thing last summer he said that he wished he lived with us again because his mother does not give him any attention - she is never home and he does not usually eat dinner until 8 or 8:30 most nights because mommy is out drinking and having a great old time!!

So we now only see him 4 times a year (thank God) I thought I wanted my daughter to know her brother but now I realize they are 12 years apart and have nothing in common and really can only take short stretches with each other. I know in my situation SS is an okay kid but so influenced by BM that he sounds just like her and since she is a raging bitch and I hate her - it just grates on my nerves that he acts like her.

So anyway sorry to get sidetracked - but I think you need to do for your day what you want and everyone who says that the kid should be in just disregard - just remember when your DH married his ex - it was about the two of them and not anyone else - the marriage day is about the couple being married - so you do not need to elevate SS to any special status - it is your day your time your memory - so you do what you want - and as Dabs mentioned if this is the little shit that watches you from the bathroom keep him in the back row!!!!

"He is the baggage from a failed marriage and a permanent reminder to me that life is never perfect and never quite what you hoped it would be."

I personally find it offensive to label a child as "baggage". How would a child feel to hear that they are just "baggage from a failed marriage....."? That statement is cruel.

I met my perfect man after his kids had turned 18, yet they did live with us for a while. And while I agree that things are great most of the time (and that is because they no longer live with us and only come around every few months) I dread when they come around or call, because they are always telling lies about me and trying to drive a wedge between me and dh. Oh and their bio mom periodically feels the need to call me screaming at me that my dh, "is out f***ing around on you like he was when I was married to him". She calls the house frequently and hangs up when I answer and my all time favorite- She thinks she is still in junior high school as she has her friends call and ask for dh. She even has SD23 boyfriends call and ask for him.

" we're not all advocating that you be a bitch and prohibit the man you're SUPPOSED to love from including the person he loves most in the world from standing at his side. "

So, she loves HIM the MOST, and he loves his kid the most? First of all, its different kind of love. Or at least i fkn hope so!

Second of all, its HIS AND HERS wedding, and nobody else should stand at the altar but THEM.

The kid will hopefully have HIS OWN wedding one day. She wont stand NEXT to him at that time. Why does he NEED to stand next to her?!

She deserves to have the wedding that she wants. If her wish is not to have a kid there standing with them when they exchange wows, thats a PERFECTLY NORMAL feeling.

I wouldnt want him standing there either.

He can attend the wedding. Just not be in the spotlight. Its not his day. His day will come.

With your logic, why not include the grooms mother, father, his sister, or cousin in there too? Hell they are his family, and they have been there long before the bride right? ... Seriously!

I hope that its not true that the people that stand beside you at your wedding are the only ones that support your union. As we only had our two friends and one of them is now deceased. Sad for me to think only one living person supports my marriage.

Everybody is different and attaches different meaning to things. It's ok. I can see why she wouldnt want her 12 year old skid in her wedding party. She's not saying she hates him, people! She just does not want him IN the wedding party. Big deal! Again he probably would not want to be and we dont even know that her dh really wants him to be-she only thinks dh might like that-many men don't really care and are content to allow the woman to plan the wedding.

And she called him baggage? So what? I have seen MUCH worse on here=wow MUCH MUCH worse. It's not like she called him that to his face, but rather to us, other stepmoms, at a place she thought she could come and vent.

sd was 5 when we got married, when it was over and time for photos, the brat laid on my train and rolled around on it when we were in a sitting pose. While all the in-laws thought it was cute, I was mortified that nobody thought there was anything awful about that. If you're all about the kids, then great. If not, then don't get married...run while you have a chance!!!

Interesting....I had the kids and his skids dressed in tux but they were church ushers only...my eldest son 18 walked me down the isle and gave me away. My daughter walke d up the islse in front of me with my husbands neice dropping rose petals

I liked the fact the kids had little special jobs but they were not bridesmmaids or best men etc.... They got to sit up the front of church then gone...

U shld not expect to have his kids in the wedding if u don't want them and I understand. Maybe just a little special job to piss the BM off wld be good though

WTF??? Your wedding is not just about you. It's also about your husband, and his "baggage" and the rest of both of your loved ones.

If you don't want the kid at the wedding, why would you want to kid in your life? Rethink this marriage. You are on a road to bitter disappointment when your fiance's "baggage" is around in his life, and by association yours, forever.

All I can say is WOW...I mean it's one thing to elope. But your words that you wrote are very very mean and selfish..

To Quote: "The kid is part of the past. He is the baggage from a failed marriage and a permanent reminder to me that life is never perfect and never quite what you hoped it would be. Everyone has some sort of unpleasant baggage, kids or otherwise, but do we really need to put a bow tie on it and make it part of my marriage ceremony? Isn't my wedding day the one day that is all about me and my guy and our future? Isn't this the one day that has nothing to do with the stupidity of his past? Duh, the kid is there, he exists and in one way or another will always be around....but on my wedding day?"

Again...WOW...

As long as weddings and engagements have been around, people have associated engagement rings with large sums of money. Often times, it is hard to find cheap engagement rings and this fact puts a damper on what should be a happy and exciting occasion.

Engagement Rings Ireland

My DH and I were on vacation in Ireland when we decided to get married. We had been talking about it for a couple months, but knew that it was going to be a huge nightmare with the BM and her working up the Skids. She had a COMPLETE meltdown yelling at him about how he ruined their lives when he let her know we were moving in together (he had to since it was much farther away and would effect visitation, ie. no more 3 hour weekday evening visits with Skids). The Skids all really like me, but didn't want their dad to move in with me because its farther away and we knew that if we planned a big wedding it would be a roller coaster from day 1. First they would be okay with it and want to be in the wedding and at least 15 times from the engagement to the wedding, there would be a change of mind (to emotionally control the situation), crying/cursing phone calls from SS12 (who I love, but who has some issues), "adult" advice from SD16, and more and more nonsense from BM. We called and told all of our families before we did it and there was the expected happiness from my side/backlash from his. We included SKids in a small civil ceremony and dinner when we got home and at this point, six months down the road, BM is still causing trouble, but SD16 has me listed as her mother on Facebook and whenever the kids are at our house, we all get along together just fine.

Several months before our wedding, I asked then-FDH via email (we were both at work at the time) "What are your thoughts/plans as far as SD-then-9 goes, for our wedding", assuming that we'd, you know, discuss it.
I heard nothing for 30 minutes or so, then "I talked to SD, and she wants to be in the wedding."
Wait, what?
I pointed out that I had thought that he and I would discuss it first, told him how hurt I was that he was making plans for our wedding with her first, rather than with me.
I then took a deep breath, and assured him, if that's what he wanted, that's how it would be.
Then I asked him how she would be traveling (our wedding was out of town). And I asked him with whom she would be staying on our wedding night. She was, then (and, honestly, now, too, to an extent), a VERY high-maintenance kid. Who always monopolized DH's time at bedtime, for hours and hours, when asked to sleep anywhere but her own bed (and even sometimes then), explaining that, while I was okay with her being in the wedding, if that's what he wanted, that she would NOT be staying at the condo with us on our wedding night.
I suggested a some options for her trip down and back. I suggested that she could stay at the hotel with DH's mother.
It was at that point that FDH realized what a logistical nightmare it was going to be.
I do not know what all was said in whatever discussions he had after that with SD. But she was neither in, nor at, our wedding.
And I was just fine with that!

Wow. It would break my heart if my stepmother ever referred to me as baggage. And, I'm a big girl not a little person.

BTW, I was the only witness present when my dad and SM married at the justice of the peace in 1976.

I have made it quite clear that at our wedding they can be there of course but they are not in it. Granted they are 4 and 6 but I don’t want them to be up front when the attention is not on them they turn into devils, please don’t get me wrong I love his girls and I treat them as much like my own as possible but I can’t do it at my first wedding. Besides BM already told my FDH that she demanded to go if the girls were in it so she could take photos of them; he actually told her that if they end up being flower girls then she can come. Hell no am I going to let his crazy ex wife come to our wedding. He got so upset about it and he hardly spoke to me for several days. But when it was his birthday and we had a party for him with his presents, his two darling girls had a melt down from hell because they weren’t getting anything then they started to say every cuss word in the book (thanks BM) I was so embarrassed, his youngest was hitting kicking and screaming for over an hour. I looked at him and flat out said if you allow them to be in our wedding and they do this up front I am walking out. He understands now that yes I love his girls but there are some boundaries that will not be crossed.

This is how we handled it...SS then 12 and SD then 18 were in the wedding. It was a small wedding, 2nd marriage for both of us, family and close friends. We included skids in lighting the unity candle...they went up and lit the candles that DH and I used to light the unity candle. The candles were up a few steps, and we waited til the skids came down before DH and I went up and lit unity, so we were up there alone. It worked out really well..we had explained to them that we were becoming a family so we wanted to include them in the ceremony if they wanted to be in it (did not force anything). They chose to be involved...it was a beautiful day!

This is a very personal issue, and everybody's situations are different. I would agree, though, that you should really evaluate your feelings for FSS and if you want to deal with him forever. He IS part of your future...it won't just be you and DH.

I haven't read all of the comments thus far, although skimming through they look rather interesting so I think I might as soon as I have the time :).

My answer to this is simple. Whatever YOU feel comfortable doing. Some people disengage, and rightfully so from the sounds of their stories! Some people just despise BM and they love their step children.

While mine are incredibly irritating and I'm sure I have much less tolerance for them being as they aren't biologically mine, they will be in my wedding. SS7 is going to be the ring bearer and SD5 will be the flower girl. I also have vows that I wrote to each of them that I'll read when I read my vows to their father. For OUR family that is just what it is, we want them to know that they are very much a part of our marriage (regardless of how much I dislike that fact sometimes) and we don't want them to feel like they're "losing" anything by us getting married but more to feel like they're actually gaining something.

Like I said though, for each situation it's different. Din't just have him in your wedding because you think it will make you FDH happy. It will only make you resent that and it won't turn out good. Regardless of everything this is YOUR day. (Yeah I know people say it's you and your FDH's day. Screw that. The way I view THAT situation, he should've gotten his fill the first time around lol. This is MY day and while he had a "say" in some of the aspects of the wedding, it's mine and things will go exactly how I want them to on that day in 2 months. I'm not a bridezilla by any means but if I actually wouldn't let him have some of his friends as groomsmen because I didn't want them in my wedding pictures. They're for a lifetime you know :). I would think about it, talk to your FDH about it and make a decision that you're comfortable with. Everyone else's opinion is just that. Their opinion. Some people may roll my eyes when I say that I love my step children and while I can not stomach their ridiculous mother, they didn't choose this life and I want to make it the best situation that I can for them. Others agree and are only here bc of BM and to help get insight and a little bit of relief knowing that they're not the only ones going through this every day fight. Some on the other hand can't stomach their step children and while that's very understandable after hearing their stories, it just isn't what works for everyone. Do what makes YOU happy and fuhgeddabout the rest!!

Absolutely Not. Don't even have to think about it - no skids in the wedding. I'd go as far to say no skids at the wedding. If we were to get married, it would be just us intimate and quiet. Definitely no skids.

My step children were a part of our wedding and it was all about them. The one day that should ahve been about us was all about them. Not only did my husband disregard what day I wanted to makes sure the wedding was a week we had them, but also this means we now never get any of our anniversaries alone...YAY
In spite of my feelings it meant alot to my husband so they were in the wedding. Think and plan and make sure to stand up for what you believe in. You both need to feel comfortable with the decision.