Are they ALL self involved??
I( 25F) have been with BF(36 M) for 4 years, I love his children ages 12,14,16. one child visits every 2 weeks. I have no problem with the kids visiting I love having them here. The problem is with the BF, he seems to deliberately create situations where I feel the need to be competitive with the time I spend with him. he works late most nights and when he comes home he is useless tired and grumpy. Its the kids, work, friends and then ME. then the when the kids come i have no energy to share from feeling deprived of quality time with my BF. Its not fair to the kids to have them here when BF and I aren't on good terms. even though we dont argue in front of them they can certainly feel the pressure between us. Whenever I try to bring this up with my BF he says he doesnt know how to include anyone with his kids because this is the first time ( i get that) and when I try to voice how I feel he shuts down and says "if its so stressfull, why are you with me"...I immidiately feel like shit because of course I can see Im choosing this life but I don't know how to express that if he wants me to stay (which he does) he has to be able to put himself in my shoes. Its him 3 kids and an ex-wife that I have to make room for. On his end its just me. I feel outnumbered and am at a loss of what to do or how to feel. I don't know if he is right or if im wrong its all just messy feelings and no support from either of us to one another because we are both maxed out. He cancelled on his daughter coming this week because we have been fighting all week, I think this is a wise decision however coming from growing up in a single parent home myself I feel guilty that his kids cant come because my BF cant find a way to appreciate me and respect me.It seems like because the BF is self involved and pissed that he had kids so young he dumps it all on me, why cant they see themselves and how they NEED so much help but turn help away when its offered.
struggling and drinking Gin,
Regallion
Did your BF actually tell his
Did your BF actually tell his daughter that she couldn't come because you two were fighting??? Is the only thing you fight about the time issues or is there more here? No offense, but your BF sounds quite selfish.... why does he have you in his life if he puts you last? I don't get it. Have you had this same routine for 4 years now or have things just recently changed causing the fighting?
1 child visiting every 2
1 child visiting every 2 weeks causes havoc? RUN! You aren't going to like being a SM and your BF sounds like a real peach.
It hasnt always been this way
It hasnt always been this way only this year when I mentioned that I would like to offer more financial support and that I would like to be included in planning when the kids come to stay with us. He actually told his daughter that he wanted to reschedule for the following weekend because we couldnt stop fighting. And yes he is totally selfish. Its like he resents himself for choosing to get married and have kids at a young age and cant let me in to help because its easier to do it all himself. He would have to give up control and assert trust by allowing me further into his life. On top of it all. When the ex had issues with the kids she threaten's to send them here. I told the BF that it is absolutely unfair that I havent been checked in with to see how I feel about all of this. Parden me for the bluntness but it seems that as soon as you have kids you forget about how the rest of the world functions. Im offering my help and full attention and he taps out all the time and we are in this cycle of him apologizing with no actions to support. and then claims that he dives deeper into work to avoid my freak outs when his avoidance perpetuates my freak outs. I dont know what to do
I like all of you and what
I like all of you and what you have to say.... I know everyone says run I can see clearly that it looks like the most sane option but I love him and i cant stand the thought that i invested 4 solid years just to end up here there must be something I can do or say to make a space for him to see the truth of this situation.
I think the damage has
I think the damage has already been done here. You CAN'T change the way you feel and it sounds like your BF WON'T change the way he operates so you're at a standstill. Resentment is going to continue to grow until this relationship implodes. I rarely tell people to get out, but I just don't see a chance for a happy ending here. My Lord, what if BM put her foot down and said you MUST take these kids I can't deal with them.. then what??? I agree with the above poster, if you're only getting one kid once every 2 weeks and that's causing problems, then this union is probably not going to work, because when kids and custody are involved visitation can change at the drop of a hat, unfortunately whether we like it or not.
Best of luck to you, listen to your gut dear and do what's best for YOU.
"because when kids and
"because when kids and custody are involved visitation can change at the drop of a hat, unfortunately whether we like it or not"
Amen sister! That statement is sooooo true! I never thought that we would get SD11 full time - but yep it happened. It changed my world upside down. If my marriage wasnt strong, if my DH put me second, believe me we would be DIVORCED by now. So think really careful about this.
I know that no one ever wants
I know that no one ever wants to hear advice to run. It seems, on your end, that people are making it sound so easy to just do that. I know that the idea of leaving and ending a four year relationship sounds painful, torturous, impossible...
However, you are going to end up investing ten years more. You will be 35, burnt out, and your self-worth will be in the toilet because you put up with this crap for so long. Then you will try to find another man to help build you back up, and will end up picking someone just as bad.
It's hard, painful and scary... but love is not enough. I wish I could pick a new man for you and send you on your happy way. I would save you the pain I've been experiencing like I wish I had saved myself.
Thankyou for sharing that
Thankyou for sharing that with me. I guess I wasn't just hoping I could do something other than quit. Both my parents did and are with new people and still blame the other person and the new people they are with. I don't know of any success stories with relationships. Its not just him, I was sexually abused in my youth and am having difficulty being emotional and "losing myself"during sex. So while I'm wishing he was more present in the rest of our life he's wishing the same from another end. We both seem to be stuck... I just think quitting at this point just means I'm going to see myself show up with similar problems because I didnt solve them in the last relationship. He sees the same, we do love eachother very much and I hear you when you say sometimes love isn't enough, I know we are close to discovering something paramount for both of us not just in relation to him and I but for each of us personally. I was hoping to find hope here not reasons to leavE. I'm sure anyone can dissaqualify anything and anyone in a matter of seconds if they tried, I know we both want to try we just didn't have the best teachers growing up. The kids aren't the problem I am not overwhelmed by them. I am overwhelmed by the lack of consideration that parents seem to aquire sometimes for other relationships in their lives. His ex threatening to send the kids here everytime she has a crisis (once a month or more) isnt fair to my relationship with my Bf I have no problem having the kids live with us. I'm not ok with his ex crying wolf all the time. I'm looking for communication tools and things to try that can bring us closer because I doubt a site like this was created just to tell everyone to quit. I ned support not criticism and I believe that's what you've offered so thankyou.
Ok-I put this on someone
Ok-I put this on someone else's post. I've been with dh 10 years-10 years as a sm to my almost 13 year old ss. We've been thru hell, truly. With my ss's behaviors, with my dh's poor parenting and lack of support, etc
At various times over the years I was ready to throw in the towel. Almost did and would have if circumstances wouldnt have got in the way, BUT I am finally seeing a positive future. My ss is still hell on wheels, BUT dh and I have really made alot of progress in the last few years in discussing things and him understanding where I am coming from. We are talking about issues, he has been showing more support for me in front of ss in the last year, and has told me he is willing to do whatever necessary to make me feel comfortable in our situation.
I do not have a traditional happy ending in my situation-in fact dh will not be visiting ss in our home at this point-so I know that is vastly different than your situation-however the point is we talked about things, communicated, I felt supported, and we came to an agreement as a couple regarding the stepsituation. I never thought it would happen, but it did. It didnt happen overnite, it has been a work in progress for many years actually-but I just wanted to say don't feel as if you must give up or run.
Get yourself involved in therapy to work on your own intimacy issues-eventually invite your so to go with you to work on some of your couple issues. Pursue relationships with your skids during their visits and include yourself if your dh wont. Some men are just truly clueless-take the lead and see if he will follow.
@regallion I have been in
@regallion I have been in your situation twice as I do not have children of my own. I say this with respect but "NEWSFLASH" you were never going to be #1. The kids will always be #1 and until they are on their own....even then. This is not to say you are not #1 because you are, just in a different category. If you create a power struggle for dominance or a place that will always get met with resistance (in my expierence). You should not be left without and if the situation has not always been this way then maybe if you pull back and change your perspective the answers will be a bit more clear. I have found that the more clingy a woman gets men just want to run. Try going off and doing something on your own the wkend that the skid is there, fake being more independent and I would be surprised if your noticed pretty darn fast. I know it sounds like playing games and maybe it is but you will get some benefit out of it. Like I said change or shift your expectations & perspective and the answers to get your relationship on track will be there. Chances are it may not have all that to do with the skids. If you love him you love him and leaving is always easier said than done. I soooo get that.
Good luck.