Our BM and my twin SSs6. Warning- this is a rant- but it feels so good to write all these disjointed details!
LOL- so just had to share that the other morning, BM- who refuses to use e-mail to communicate- sent DH 46 texts (and most of those were sent from her phone to his e-mail. That's right, she will not compose an e-mail to send to him, but she will compose a text and send it to his e-mail.) Anyway, yes, grand total 46. This NPD-infested queen of PAS set her own kids up in these texts, so that she could continue her obsessive rants and rallies against our desire for sanity....she insists on calling them 2x a day while they are with us, and while they're on the phone with her, we hear them answering in monosyllables- "Yes." "No", while she questions them and goes on and on about her FABULOUS plans and activities and how much fun they're going to have when they get back to her house and so forth....hey, at least she has stopped (as far as I know) having them report to her about my DS6's and DD5's behavior, which she demanded of her sons for a while. Anyway, to this woman everything is a competition, though she did tell her sons that she does not care about anything they do while they're with us. We found this out when we had gone to the planetarium and they were enthralled with what they saw, and when they spoke to her that night they didn't say a word to her about it. DH told them he had noticed that they seldom share with her anything we do when we're all together, and they replied in unison, "Mom said she doesn't care about what we do when we're here.". BUT anyway, she manically plans for the 50% of the time they're with her- whirlwinds of crafts, playdates, ice cream/candy/treats/little routine/discipline/order/downtime/WAY too little sleep. You get the idea. So when these darling boys (I am not being sarcastic! They are wonderful children.) come to us, they have massive trouble with the order, rules, nutrition, quiet time, encouragement to be doing things once in a while on their own. Usually takes them a day or two to transition, with frequent reminders that now they are at our house and the rules are different from Mommy's house....and finally, my point:
They have little to no idea how to do ANYTHING without constant attention, praise, guidance. My kids could be in this house doing their own things for over an hour and I would not hear a peep! I feel like my two have a good balance of dependence and independence, for their ages. And their bonus brothers? I almost don't know where to begin- anything I do to try to give them these skills of entertaining themselves, eating the right foods, having a bedtime- in short not driving the boat and having everyone be at their beck and call all the time- feels like I am being really super-strict. I am ok with that. It's how I was raised. But, and here's the twist: last night I was alone with them, because DH had to work, and I realized all at once that they do not behave in those needy, babyish ways with me! Just when they're around DH! Any insight on how to handle this? Any tried-and-true techniques for fostering independence and less child-centric behaviors in these two great kids who have been entertained, amused, catered to, coddled for six years, and who are being more so now that BM's spite and NPD rule everything she does with them? (And btw- I get it- I totally saw last night that DH has enabled these behaviors as well! I'm just always amazed at BM's behaviors and as much as it troubles me, make the connections between her behaviors and theirs.)
Wow, I could have written
Wow, I could have written that post! I too have twin ss6 who are in a constant whirlwind of playdates, crafts, treats, new toys, etc. when they are with BM. They constantly ask "what's next?" and they literally cannot sit still or play independently.We only have them every other weekend and a few evenings, so my DH doesn't think he can do much to "parent" them since they are with BM so much. She always tells them about some awesome thing they will be doing with her when they get home from daddy's. Everything we get or do with the boys, she gets a better version or does it better.It's very frustrating to be in this "contest" that we don't participate in! You guys seem to be doing everything right and at least they have your kids as good examples of independence!
Lol. DH was just telling the
Lol. DH was just telling the kids the other day that he isn't a 3 ring circus. Then lamenting the fact that he's saying the same things his mom did
I SOOOO agree, Crayon- the
I SOOOO agree, Crayon- the entitlement!!! "What are we doing today?"....."Where are we going today?".....that kind of talk makes me nuts. It is a challenge, though, to think of fun ways to answer. }:)
Oh my gosh, Stpmom- it sounds
Oh my gosh, Stpmom- it sounds exactly the same. I can't wait to read some of your other posts to see what other details line up. Then sometimes I feel guilty because I think, "What if it's a twin thing?"....what are your thoughts on this? I wonder if in some way, twins are even more used to getting constant attention from the get-go- just because they're twins. Have you ever wondered that?
That's a interesting thought.
That's a interesting thought. I think they are constantly seeking attention because they are always seen as a unit and not individuals you know?
That's a good point. I think
That's a good point. I think I may try an experiment, and ignore the fact that they are twins for a while. They are individuals.
IF (and that's a big IF) your
IF (and that's a big IF) your H is backing you up as a united front in your marriage, it would be like this:
SS: What's next?
MJL/DH: Well, you can help us sort the laundry to be washed
SS: I'm BOOORED
MJL/DH: OK, here is a rag and spray. Go around and clean the baseboards in all the rooms. When you are done, if you are still bored, we can go in the garage and start organizing it...etc,etc,etc
YES! We have them do little
YES! We have them do little chores- bringing down garbages, scooping dry dog food into dog dishes, etc....but maybe the time has come for a good ol'fashioned family cleaning day!!!!
Boy, is this site wonderful.
Boy, is this site wonderful. Thank you, all who responded- for your sharing, ideas, reassurance! I can't tell you how many posts I've begun and abandoned just because the situations with her are SO amazingly ridiculous/complex/convoluted......but this one felt really good to get off my chest!! I love that I'm not the only one! Have a wonderful evening, everyone.
Love it! If there are any
Love it! If there are any other questionable situations that arise from these ridiculous calls, I think I will suggest the speaker-phone idea to DH. I alluded to the last one- one of the boys told her FIRST THING when he picked up the phone that DS was having a tough time at hockey (I had told the boys that they were all tired as we had had a long travel day). She said something that made him laugh and laugh, and when I questioned him about what she had said, he replied that he couldn't remember but that it was something mean. So obviously we addressed it with SS, how we are a family and we love each other and should not laugh when someone says something mean about their brothers or sister.....but I also e-mailed her and told her that it was NOT ok for her to say rude things about my son while on our phone. She sent me back an e-mail claiming that she had said nothing bad. I broken-recorded the last line of my e-mail as a reply, "You may NOT use our phone to speak badly about my children." She sent me the most scathing e-mail, how I should be ashamed of myself for not believing her when she had told me she hadn't said anything bad (my a$$ she didn't!)- and this after she clings to a filthy untrue story she has been telling about me for two years now to anyone who will listen- then started railing on about how I should do some volunteer work- maybe that would give my hollow existence some meaning, etc.....(And know what?
She's right! I have been wanting to volunteer for some time now- to give back because I am so lucky and blessed in every way-) but anyway......speaker phone for these obsessive "I'm-the-real-mommy-not-her-and-my-house-is-so-much-more-fun-don't-forget-it" phone calls is a great idea!
I have come to the conclusion
I have come to the conclusion that the job of us SM's is to take and smile! lol my husband and i do the 50 50 thing and it sucks for me as well but i have to say at least your SSs like you
I have come to the conclusion
I have come to the conclusion that the job of us SM's is to take and smile! lol my husband and i do the 50 50 thing and it sucks for me as well but i have to say at least your SSs like you
Btmbsm, they like me for now.
Btmbsm, they like me for now. But know what? If they're gonna be at odds with anyone as they grow up, I think I'd rather it be me than DH. At least I have the choice to disengage if it comes to doing that to preserve my sanity or my kids' sanity. For now, they all get along and love each other. I grew up with an uncle who divorced and remarried, and his kids' BM was so awful to him that their kids won't even speak to him now. It is heartbreaking. What is with these NPD bio-moms??? Anyway, yes, sometimes I do just "grin and bear it"! Hang in and thanks for your words!