I Know Im Not The Only One...But I Really Need Some Food For Thought
I wanted to post a question that mainly focused on my husband and me, but of course affects the kids. As everyone can probably agree, nearly everything has some sort of affect on the kids, even if it's a personal situation between the parents. Here's what I wanted to ask...
My husband and I have been together since 2005 and got married in February 2010. In between that time, we split for a short time in April 2009. We reconnected a little later in June 2009 - literally it was about a 2 month hiatus. Anyways, when we got back together I asked him if he had met/been with anyone else during that time we weren't together. Adamantly, he denied it, only to find out later from my SK that he had in fact met someone AND had her at the house and introduced her to his son. I was angry because he lied, but even more because he elaborated that not only had he NOT met anyone, but said, "No one's been to my house, nobody's met my son...etc" - basically he offered info that I didn't ask, telling on himself. He promised to never lie again; and the reason for it was that he was afraid I'd change my mind about getting back together.
Once making it through that, I made it crystal clear that there was to be NO WOMEN. There was to be no ex's as friends and that in my opinion it's a rare occasion when a man just wants to be friends with a woman. Any man that's ever paid attention to me didn't want to be JUST my friend...somewhere along the line he ended up wanting to take it further. Basically, I felt it better to just avoid potential problems. Time passed and things seemed to be going well. Then, this past October, I found out (without looking for it), that the girl he had lied about meeting earlier on, had started up a Yahoo account and requested him as a contact/friend. To my shock, he accepted! I finally saw who she was and what she looked like. She wrote him and it posted on his public wall, stating, " Hi Mike, Great to hear from ya! How's married life treating ya?".....
I was sick to my stomach! "Great to hear from you?" So, he HAS been in touch with her?! He denied it, claimed he "accidentally" accepted her as a friend (which is BS), claimed he didn't talk to her,etc...
I was crushed...I said that if he wanted to prove to me that he was being truthful, would he please open up his email accounts so I could see what was there. He got mad and refused....what does that tell ya?) So, being the detective that I am, I installed a logging software program on my computer, got his passwords to his emails and opened them myself. I found not only this one girl's contact info ( that he claimed he didnt have and deleted), but a few others that I had no idea about. Then the crushing blow...I found TONS of pictures of this Spanish girl dating back to 2007-2009. Then I found the picture he had taken of him and her smiling into his IPhone, and judging by the background scenery, in a hotel room. I was so devistated! I felt like such a fool to have found out not even a year after marriage that for over 2 years during our dating years,he had been dealing with someone else.
He got so mad with me..but more so for getting caught. I was so hurt not only because I found the pictures, but that he STILL HAD THEM almost a year after we had been married.Why did he keep them? Why wouldn't he get rid of them? Why did he keep the other girls contact info? He said, "I didn't do anything, I'm home all the time, I don't go out..."
Guys, I'm trying to get past this, but I'm really having trouble. Yeah, he married me and not them...but it makes me question my security within the marriage, having found this stuff. He said, " If I wanted to talk to others, I wouldn't have gotten married." Sure, it sounds logical, but it still doesnt take away the fact of what I found. Now, he has a facebook and lots of girls from school ( so he says) ...he gave me the password to his facebook and email, which he thinks will satisfy my insecurity..but I still doubt his truth telling abilities. His facebook is linked to his phone, so if a girl messages him something or vice versa, how will I know? I'm tired of feeling like I'm battling a mental war within. To me, it isn't fair. I didn't ask for this, yet I'm the one in fear.
It's easy to say "leave him, hes a liar, hell never change"...its just not that easy.
I really need some clarity...maybe another way to see things... I have a hard time looking at ANYTHING from his standpoint right now.
You two were together in
You two were together in 2005, yes? These pictures (hotel room background) were 2007-2009, yes? What you seem to be dealing with is a serial cheater. Doesn't matter whether this happened while dating or married... same thing. Betrayal. It may hurt to hear this but, you should leave. This is not simply 1 mistake that can be fixed with time and counseling. This is a pattern of behavior. If you want to find happiness in your life and peace in your heart & mind....you have a huge decision to make. What is in YOUR best interest? I know it hurts like hell. You have to take care of you!
Best of luck and hang in there!
I don't know either of you,
I don't know either of you, however from what you say I will tell you that if the jury had this much evidence on OJ he wouldn't have got off the first time. Run girl run.
Trust is the foundation for
Trust is the foundation for any relationship. Whether or not he is cheating or will cheat again...do/will you trust him or will you continue to question every word he says? I personally could not stay with someone whom I did not trust whole-heartedly, but I learned that the hard way. Good luck to you.
Your story is so sad. I feel
Your story is so sad. I feel horrible for you. One thing I would like to point out is that it was your instincts that were correct from the start. You know the truth because your instincts told you that something was going on and you searched for it. I am confident now that your instincts are telling you what to do, and that they are correct. Absolutely true that you will never, and should never, trust this man again...and even if by some miracle he never cheats again, the suspicion and worry and distrust that you have will eat you alive and rob you of the joy in life. I think what is holding you back and keeping you with him is fear of the unknown. Don't let your skids or kids be a reason to continue your suffering. You deserve so much better. Please get someone to help you gather the strength...a therapist or group support. When a man cheats it is devestating to the woman he cheats on, and then with a battered self esteem, it becomes hard to pack and leave. It will truly suck for awhile and will be a hard road, but in the end you will have a life worthy of you. I am sending you good vibes of support and encouragement.
Dee23.....been thru this
Dee23.....been thru this myself, I hope I can share and be of help as I do know what you are saying about wanting clarity. There has been a trust that has been betrayed and that is telling you to be aware and cautious, its the way we protect ourselves. With everything mentioned there's a couple important things to look at, one is the time-line of events and when these events happened in that time-line. A pic taken at a hotel is an easy assumption and if the two of you were married, not seperated at that time, then you have choices.......this is in the past so do you look at yourself as the winner in this sitaution and move on OR is he a repeat offender?
My first husband was no doubt a cheater, could not keep his hadns off the ladies, absolutely obsessed. he admitted to me that he knew what he was wrong but he said he liked what he was doing, we divorced. he has married and divorced since and has continued to cheat on everyone he has been with. Not the life I wanted to share with him.
I have been with my second husband 22 years. He loves to look, he has become infatuated, and I have seen love interests on his part. A sexual affair has not been apparent....could have been but then maybe not. He has admitted to having emotional affairs and knowing his personality I would definately say that was his infatuated mind at work. I stayed and yes, it was not easy but I felt divorce in this situation wasn't neccisarily going to make everything better. I had the look at the bigger picture. I have a child at home yet that I have to consider, etc.
My suggestion is counseling for the two of you so he knows where you are coming from and perhaps you both can hear one another. Good luck!
I really do appreciate all of
I really do appreciate all of the feedback. Just to clarify, I'm NOT a bad person as Finey said I was. During the time of dating I had felt that he was talking to someone else, but he told me I was crazy. Once I found the pics in his email, I realized I wasn't crazy. The pictures I found were from before we got married. However, the lying is what hurt and made me feel like it was a good idea to look in his email. I think too his extreme protectiveness of his email, etc... also added to the fear that something was being hidden.
I'm not saying that it was right to go in his email, yet in a sense I feel that lies and hiding anything has no place in a marriage - or a relationship, period. Please understand, that when he lied about meeting someone (during a hiatus pre- marriage) and I found out soon after the lie took place, I was hurt and angry...and a bit concerned why he felt he needed to lie in the first place. Then, I said, "Ok, lets start from scratch and move forward...NO LIES!" He apologized and made it clear that this girl was cut off. I find out later that she has been emailing him, and vice versa. This became more of a concern because he told me there was no contact - why would he want to stay in touch with her? Wouldn't he be pissed if I stayed in touch with a guy I dated while we were broken up? - Of course he would!
I want nothing more than to repair our relationship. No, he didnt cheat during the marriage; But I felt that if he lied then, and hid that he was still responding to this girls emails...to me it felt like cheating..or was leading to cheating...which bred fear, which led to this.
Sorry...I probably wasnt
Sorry...I probably wasnt clear about something. The pictures were taken before the marriage, but I found them 9 months after we got married. The Yahoo "friending" was 9 months post marriage.
When I confronted him about it he immediatley lied, and then said, "ok I ACCIDENTALLY added her as a friend." I KNEW that was BS!
My issue is with the impulse to lie. I dont believe he was cheating physically, but the lie and the act of chatting with her and hiding it - it just cant be good. If you dont feel like your doing anything wrong, then why hide it?
Dee23, please don't let
Dee23, please don't let Finey's comment get to you. I wonder if Finey is a man. He? sounds like my man with the same style of logic and arguement. ie. I cheated, but you snooped...so you are the bad one...yeah, right, ends the same way everytime with me trying to defend myself and him ignoring the real issue. Anyway, as I said in my previous post, YES, it is good for you for snooping. You knew it and you proved it. Who would rather be dumb and happy rather than knowing the truth? Without truth, you can't have trust. How can you trust someone that you caught in a lie? In a good relationship, there is no snooping and doubting of course. In a bad one, the woman instinctively knows what is going on and then she proves it...then after a lot of pain and suffering, typically she leaves, because as everyone has pointed out, the trust is shattered and that is not easily rebuilt..and then as AVR pointed out, the man typically proceeds to cheat his way thru his future relationships too, because it is not the woman's fault. It is his own insecurity and weakness. I do agree with Finey's end point that in the end, neither of you will be able to trust each other and therefore you have no foundation for a relationship. You can snoop and he can be more intelligent about covering his tracts, and the only thing you will have in common is that you both miserable. It is best that you did what you did to find out the truth and move on before more time and energy is wasted. Again, best of luck with all my heart. Very few topics are more emotional than that of a man's infidelity.
and one more thing Dee, in
and one more thing Dee, in reference to your comment that he wasn't cheating physically...first of all, are you sure? Is his word really enough given what he has already lied about? Also, what is the root of all cheating? In my mind, its the lies. There is emotional cheating and physical cheating and the common thread is lies. Why does a man in a happy healthy relationship need to re-establish contact with his ex girlfriend and lie to cover it up? What does he need from her that he cannot find in you? And you are correct that men don't do well at purely platonic female friendships and rarely seek them out. You said it just right "BS." So they email, and then the email a little more, and then what?? Then he takes a little "business trip??" What is going to come of it that will not damage your relationship? As for the Spanish girl, if you two were only apart for 2 months and in that short time he managed to get a girl into a hotel room rather than pondering his future with you....that's a pretty big deal too and I wouldn't dismiss it just because it happened before you married. It isn't as if the minute the ring goes on, the man fundamentally morphs into a different person. He is the same...with a ring.
In my book, being 'together'
In my book, being 'together' between 2007-2009 means that ANY 'time' he spent with another woman (whom she knew nothing about) would be the deal breaker. A man who cheats and then goes on to lie about it during courtship, is a man who will cheat during marriage. JMHO.
I thought the same thing,
I thought the same thing, about Finey possibly being a man. After talking for a long time with a friend of 14 years, I found out a few things. Firstly, this person is quite honest and tells it like it is...
Firstly, she told me that not only do I need therapy on my own, but my husband needs to go for himself. She told me, " For years, he's (and you've), gone through these "cycles". He has a problem doing or not doing what he says..."
She went on about things she's observed about him. Then, she let in on me. She told me that my communications skills are BAD! " You are very articulate and can express yourself fairly well; HOWEVER, you internalize everything and have more conversations within rather than to the person you have an issue with. You have a tendency to take a small issue, internalize it, go back and forth in your mind about the subject, and before you know it you've blown things way out of proportion. Both of you need individual therapy to help address your problems as individuals and at the same time, marriage counciling."
I can take responsibility for my constant foul destructive comments stemming from my insecurities from him lying. However, the fact that he lied at all is a HUGE problem. The fact that he uses the statement, " I was being indecisive about being with you because of the court drama your ex put us thru, and I didnt know if I could handle it...", still doesnt sit well with me.
Does Dee23 possibly mean that
Does Dee23 possibly mean that you are only 23 years old? If so, that makes a big difference. If so, you have your whole wonderful exciting life ahead of you. If you are 23, even more reason to run like the wind and put this all behind you.
Same thing happened to me
Same thing happened to me this weekend. DH lied to cover up. WTH?? After giving him an awesome Vday and used a day of vaca. for his colonoscopy I get lies on Friday night and he gets a weekend free of sex... Skids get in a fight and he goes in the other room stressed out. After 10 minutes I go to him & he's texting. I stand next to him & try to talk - he actually hides the phone from view & says "excuse me!". I ask him what's going on? He says: I'm texting skid. Yeah righto. Then why can't I see it? Top it off: next day we get a house call from a irritate man: what are you doing calling my house at 3am? Are you after my wife? I overhear DH telling guy: don't call this number again, I don't know what you are talking about. Later skid says: I played a prank last night & some guy got really mad. Oh really - what if I would have taken that guy's call? I certainly would have jumped the gun. The whole thing makes me sick. DH's lies, wild skids, and 24/7 husky barking and shedding everywhere.
Text to BM? Probably was but
Text to BM? Probably was but why lie to me? I'm instinctly watching my back -- lies don't bode well with me. The truth is either embarassing or incriminating, but only he knows the truth and even that's questionable since his brain is on vacation.