Happy to find forum. Need serious SF help
Ok, I have to say I am at my wits end and finally found this forum and am so happy to do so. I just do not know who to turn to. I feel I should be the man and solve my d@mn issues with my stepdaughters and their idiot father but just am so lost.
Here is the situation in a nutshell. Met a woman three years ago with three girls. She shares 50% 50% custody with her totally un co-operative ex. He cheated on her for over 20 years and she finally got the idea that it was not normal and could not use the excuse "we stay together for the kids" anymore.
Girls are 14/14/21. Ok, lets take the oldest. Since the beginning she has been a super super high-maintenance spoiled teen adult (yes teen, i dont think she has grown past 13 y/o). After 3 years of problems we finally had it out and I told her we were not going to pay for her car insurance as her dad refused to pay for it anymore. When I told her she was going to have to cover the half of the $300/mn expenses her father was not, she told me how dare I and all her friends parents are paying for their car expenses while they are in college. I told her, show some appreciation, here my spouse and I are paying all her car, college, food, clothes, thousands in school expenses and she has the nerve to say she deserves to get ALL her expenses covered...what a joke. So when I told her no more, she decides to move in fulltime with her ahole father (dont get me going on him yet).
The twins see this and begin to act up. There is so much disrepect now with one of them I just cannot believe it. My parents would have beat the crap out of me for even 1/10th what they say to my spouse and I. I know it is coming from their father as they have told me his idea of life is to never ask for anything, take it, make life difficult for others as much as possible and never show the slightest of emotions.
The ex and I have had MANY run ins that could have gone the wrong way and now he has the nerve to ask for support for the 21 y/o! Can you believe it?
Anyway, as I said I am happy to find this forum and will try to space out my questions. I think my biggest is how do I deal with the crap coming at me from all directions? My spouse is absolutely the most giving person in the world and in my opinion gives way too much of herself to the kids for the appreciation they give. It is tearing all of my family apart and just need help...and still remain the man!
Sadly, the girls are a
Sadly, the girls are a product of not just their father but of their mother as well. If your GF makes it clear to her girls, that she is telling them she cannot afford to pay for all of the college expenses anymore or says its time you learned some responsibility by getting a part-time job to put yourself through college and being more strict with the twins (you mentioned a great way to stop behavior like this
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In your situation, you should remove yourself from interaction with this douche. Your GF doesnt even need to talk to him. The kids are old enough to walk in the door on their own. As far as the support for a 21 yr old- I'd love to see the needs of a 21 yr old outweigh twin 11 yr olds. Also, I think that technically means hed be financially responsible for her college tution (have fun with that one!)
Sadly, when marrying someone youre not just marrying their family anymore, but also in some ways their exes. Make a good choice as to weather you can handle it all. On the bright side the kids are almost grown.
I've really considered these
I've really considered these comments and have the following replies.
Kids are like father and mother. I agree. I do not know how they were raised before I was in the picture but something tells me there was absolutely no discipline from either parent...and still is not.
Twins are at an awkward age. Yes, big time. What fascinates me most is they are total opposites. One is friendly and outgoing and applies herself while the other is sullen, withdraw, plain mean at times and cant lift a finger to get a drink. Each have their good moments and bad and I really can relate to them at that age.
Going between two houses is definitely a confusing time for them especially when they are getting such opposing lessons and rules.
I have pretty well wrote off the oldest daughter as I just don't think it is worth putting my time, life and money into someone that will never understand what growing up means. I've told my spouse that I will never do another thing for her until she realizes her actions have consequences and learns the meaning of the word "appeciation". I've did my part and from what I have learned from others, she is paying for the decision she made VERY dearly. What makes me mad is I helped her get a dream job and gave her plenty of ways to make money to pay a simple $150/mn for her car and she decides to pit her mother and father against each other. She now takes the money and blows it and then says it's our responsibility for paying her school costs. We have of course refused support in the least bit. I was financially responsible for my entire family (mother, 4 brothers and sisters) at 18 and never had the opportunity to go to college and she had the nerve to say that that was in the past and people are not like that anymore. I'm only 41 for G-sakes!
I think the most important thing that has stuck in my head is that they have a father figure already, no matter how douchy the guy is. I've never tried to take that away as I had a stepfather growing up that tried to do just that (my own father died at age 8). I just don't want them acting like a bunch of mean girls each time they go between houses. I just wont take it. My wife takes it but is really beginning to say, ENOUGH!
My biggest fear is that they are just going to pull what the oldest did and say, “To hell with him trying to make rules, I'll go live with douchbag.” This would just kill my wife. I know ultimately she knows that is a possibility and would likely accept it. She thinks that things will change once they are older, but I know human nature and they wont change.
The ironic part is that the first two years, the girls dreaded going to their father's house as he was so damn mean, out partying and drunk half the time and that when they grew up they were never going to see him again. How times change when they didn't get their way and had the slightest discipline.
The second ironic part is he has moved two more girls and his girlfriend into his tiny little house. I just see the repercussions. He is already texting my spouse every couple months threatening her because he doesnt get his way, what next?
I really do understand about marrying the exes. My spouse and I have settled it the way someone mentioned that we have absolutely no communication with him (except his threatening texts to her) and the next time he wants to interfere with our lives that the law/lawyers/courts are going to step in. I'm past the point of wanting to beat the crap out of him...not worth the jail time and it will not solve a damn thing...I know the harassment will continue.
I always try to look at the girls as friends but if they were really my friends (not kids), I just would not put up with even a fraction of the crap they pull (pitting their mother and father against each other to get their way). So I honestly don't know what my role is. And maybe that is what hurts most.