OMG! This is one of my nightmares! seriously.

I have other medical issues going on & need to address issue of having Bkids with DH immediately.

But despite the fact that I desperately WANT another child, the situation you present above is exactly one of the top reasons I have chosen NOT to try anymore.

There's been sooo much stress & nearly failed marriage already, I just don't think it would survive a Bkid in the mix. I'd hate to see my fears validated in someone else's life.

You, DW, and children have my good vibes flying your way. I wish you the best of luck & hope you find a livable solution.

Sorry I don't have any useful advise.

I don't want to say that you're wrong because obviously you know your situation but you don't give much detail here to justify the kinds of accusations you are leveling against your wife. I can't believe that any wife would expect that their husband put his children in second place to a new baby. Maybe you are misunderstanding each other. Maybe she is saying that you need to put the new baby first, "sometimes" because she feels that you always put your older children first. I'm not saying that is the case but obviously this is how she feels. And if she's feeling this way then you need to examine the things she feels you are doing and look for ways to make adjustments as a family. You can't just expect her to stop feeling the way she's feeling because you say she's wrong.

Are you truly saying that your wife expects you to ignore the other children and never attend their activities anymore? I highly doubt this because you have custody of the kids 50% of the time. What I suspect is that she feels that the minute the other children are around you are all about driving them around, planning fun activities with them and attending their events and she wants you to balance that time better.

If she is truly as unreasonable as you are painting her to be then it is good you are in marriage counseling. But I have to say the vague generalities and sweeping accusations you are making about your wife makes your view of this situation seem biased. The things you are attributing to your wife seem so unreasonable that I believe either you don't understand her requests or you are completely distorting them to justify your own anger. I don't see you taking any responsibility for the marital issues here and I always say, "It takes two to tango." One person does not grow resentful and angry without the help of their partner.

I am so happy to read this post. It's so different to see things from a "dad's" point of view. I really wish your wife was on here so we could hear her side of things. Anyhoo, she's not and I dont know that i have any real advice. I kinda know her feelings though in wanting her baby to be number one. I just hope she doesnt really mean it. A lot of women here talk about the dad favoring his kids when they are around and I've often wondered if my future kid would be "number one". Not in the way it sounds but more that I wouldnt want my child to be on the back burner to the kids that already exist. As far as her not wanting you to take the baby when it has to do with your biokids is she afraid of what your kids may do to the baby? Is she afraid that you wouldnt have to ability to watch over the baby while you are taking care of 3 other kids? These are all just wild stabs in the dark from what I've heard sm's here complain about...

I'm sorry, and maybe this would just fuel the fire, but do you think she may need some help? Maybe she should just talk to a therapist individually and you all see one together as well? It sounds like you all have some differences, but that those stem somewhat from her issues. Maybe if she worked through some of this on an individual level, she wouldn't feel attacked by you? It sounds like she maybe is having some hormonal problems from the pregnancy. I had some PPD pretty severe, so I can relate to what sounds like hurtful behavior.

It's hard to really know without hearing her side, but I do think that a husband and wife always have to listen to each others concerns. My problem with what you are saying is happening is this new adverse reaction to her stepkids (your other children). When she married you, you had these children, so in my opinion she knew what she was getting into. She can't punish you or them for that...marrying you and having a child with you was her choice. It is not fair of her to ask you to put one of your children in front of the others.

I have a similar family situation and I would never do that. Maybe that's just me, but I don't think that would be healthy for my biological son to see me treating his half brother and sister as if they weren't as important as he is. Not to mention how bad this is for the skids.

I think she is really having a problem if this all came about after the baby was born...this may not really be her...she could be having an emotional issue?

With ehr age, and this has all transpired after the babies birth, im really thinking ppd myslef..its just too drastic and doesent make sense for a person to change so rapidly...

~Chrissie

Loving Wife to my hubby, Mother and friend to our darlings.

Hang on, something I picked up on from your post that I'd like to comment on...

It sounds like you travel for work during the time when you would be home with your wife and new baby but then you are home when your other children are around. When do you spend time with just your wife and baby? Is all your time at home spent catering to your other children?

Maybe your wife resents that your entire home life is built around them? That's how it was in our house for a while and we nearly split over it. It took a long time to make my dh understand that life doesn't stop when his other kids aren't here, the rest of us are here between times and we deserve his time and attention as well.

You also said that you want to take the baby out to do activities for your other children. What kinds of activities? What does a 6.5 month old get out of it? I don't think there's anything wrong with taking the baby but...and this is important, where is the balance? Are you also spending time with your nuclear family, your wife and baby, without your other kids? That time is vitally important for both of them. If you are spending all your free time and energy trying to make up to your other kids for not being in their lives 24x7 then you are cheating your wife and new baby. I don't blame her for resenting it.

I doubt we've been given a balanced view of this situation. I'd guess your wife is feeling a bit neglected and pushed aside.

So you travel when the kids aren't there and when they are you are rushing around to get them to activities etc...?

So of course she's going to be upset - when in there do you make time for your wife and the new baby?

With all the stress of having to deal with a new baby on her own and than more kids 50% of the time you really do need to give her a break. If that means the kids sometimes miss a practice or two than so be it. It's not going to kill them and a happier marrige is better for them in the long run

Frustrated_Dad,

have you had a chance to think this over some more?

I just reread your posts and your problem lies in what you wrote:

"Right now she is pissed at me because I travel (for work) when my kids are not around. When am I supposed to travel as she won't babysit my kids or take them to any of their activities. When I come home I'll be back to running the kids around after having missed some days with only her and the baby."

Duh! Of course she's going to be pissed at you. Of course she's going to think that you only care about your other kids. What do you expect? If you want a relationship with her and didn't marry her just to have help with your other kids then you need to set aside time with just her and time with just her and the baby. Your kids are old enough to not have to have daddy there every second of the day.

"Over the last few weeks there hasn't been a single days without her accusing me of favoring my kids over her and her telling me how she wants nothing to do with my kids. Prior to these few weeks we've had similar arguments in the past ever since we got married."

Then stop favoring them. You've basically admitted that you DO favor them by spending all your time doing activities with them and then going away to work the rest of the time. You do favor them. Your wife is right.

"Don't I have a responsibility to protect my BK's if I feel that they are being mistreated?"

Yes, and it sounds like your wife is assuming HER responsibility to protect her (and your) BK when that child is being mistreated by YOU when you constantly put your other children first. That child with her is your BK too and deserves your attention as well. Your wife is not your slave nor is she your live in babysitter. Stop building your life around your older children. It isn't good for them, it isn't good for you, it isn't good for your wife and it won't be good for your baby when he/she is old enough to see how you favor the older ones.

Maybe this is YOUR perception of what YOU THINK your wife wants? Maybe she wants you to spend a little more time with baby like she has to? Maybe give her a break from doing it all the time? Sometimes when there is a baby in the house the focus has to be on baby for a bit and the children need to realize they are not the only ones right now. Being 7 and 11 they are alot more independant then a baby. I know my husband misinterprets what I'm saying and he blows it way out of proportion. To your wife that little baby is everything and needs alot of attention and is a demanding little thing.

Some posts really get to me, and this is one of them!!! She wants to know that you love baby as much as you love biokids... can you not see this!!! If you want to leave and play guilty daddy to yet another biokid that is your choice, but don't you dare blame your wife for loving her kid more than anything in this world. My husband is ALWAYS with OUR daughter, and that makes me very happy. In your post all it sounds like you are worried about is your other kids... maybe you should think about the kid you have made with her.

Well said Purple Flower....

Sounds to me like there is a whole lot of frustration in this home on both parts.

Question: Did you travel like this before the baby was born?
If so did you still make
time for you two to be alone even when you had kids?

You seem to be feeling overwhelmed because you are wanted in so many directions. Possibly feeling sorry for your kids because BM doesnt take them to their activities. So when you have them you over compensate for her behavior.
Your DW is frustrated and possibly not expressing her feelings properly. The woman has got to be exhausted and overwhelmed herself. Taking care of a baby alone while you are gone. And then when you are home it seems as if you are very busy with kids in activities. I would imagine she feels very alone.

Question: How long has it been since the two of you have had a
nice romantic night alone together?

Even when divorce isnt an issue and you have Bio kids together sometimes we as adults get so wrapped up in the activities of our children and forget to take time with each other as partners. Sometimes you just need to take a time out for that to remember what made you fall in love to begin with.

We also need to remember that as men and women we feel diffrently about things. Men are physical thinkers and women are emotional thinkers. I know when my DH and I fight to him as soon as we have sex everything is all better. To me they are not because we have not discussed the problem fully and come up with a solution. We as men and women mis-read each other all the time. And I think it is important and put this into play in my own relationship to remember the diffrences. Try this with your wife when you speak with her and see if it helps. Bring her roses, pamper her a bit, take some time to just sit with her and the baby. If you have to cancell just one day of activities for the Bio Kids do this. At the age they are I am sure that they have plenty of things that they can do to entertain themselves.

Please let me know how all goes with you and I wish you luck.

I can clarify...it's not that women see the face of BM in the children...it's that men cannot handle the balance of old family vs. new family. I am generalizing here, but it's easier to jump in as a SF than a SM. Usually the mother has the parenting thing in motion and the kids are in the home for more time, and a SF just needs to jump in as a backup and seems more like an extra family member. The usual role for father and stepfather dont vary much from each other.

For a woman to chime in as a SM, for some random number of days per month, and combine that with being the Mom of the house for most days, to her own kids (either from prev or joint), and also having a BM to contend with...all while the man takes a back seat with her kids and a front row with his kids...it puts women in a precarious position. Not only does SHE not know what her role is supposed to be, but HE doesnt even know what he wants her role to be!

And what's worse is that nobody expects this to even be an issue. Nobody discusses it up front because...well they are just kids, right? How hard can it be? I love mine, he loves his, surely it will all work out. Wrong! Having assumed expectations that seem logical to each person will only set everyone up for failure. There ISNT a "set recipe" of how this is supposed to work because this is NOT how its supposed to work! People are supposed to be together and have kids together only - not move on and try to do it separately and with multiple people. THAT's why it doesnt work. Square peg - round hole.

Each situation has its own dynamics. If the couple does not give this the weight and attention it needs up front, they can add another failed family/relationship to their resume for the next person, and it only gets more complex from there.

Midwestmama I agree with you completely and very well said. I know that is exactly how I have felt in my second marriage. My roles seem to be changing all the time and without any warning. I am the Momma in the home and then I am not the Momma. I am the wife and then I am the bi-stander.
When you are in a first time family and you discuss a childs behavior it is because you are a concerned parent one to another. When you are in a second marriage with Bio and Skids and you discuss a childs behavior it either becomes a blame game or a jealousy thing.
Deep Breaht.....No wonder some of us are very fussy

Frustrated Dad,
I can see your point of the situation as well as your wife's...I have a SD11 and BD7...when we first got married and she would come over every other weekend, I would literally see my DH transform into "super dad" :O ...he would then throw around the word "family" :jawdrop: ...we would do things and go places...When her visitation was over so was "super dad"! He wouldn't be concerned with me or my daughter on the off weekends...we wouldn't anywhere and he wouldn't spend as much time with my daughter as he would if SD was there! :O How unfair and hurtful...Over time and my bringing it to his attention, he was able to see and understand how I felt and his behavior did change...we are still family when SD is not there, but more of a family when she is with us...I don't necessarily expect him to put my daughter first, but she sure isn't going to be put on a backburner so he can cater or make up time with her BD...I understand he feels he's missing out with stuff with her, but it's not my fault nor my daughter's fault that he and her mother are no longer in a relationship...I'm not about to compromise myself and my daughter for him trying to "win" his BD over...of course he should enjoy the visits with her and she should feel comfy while doing so...over the years that area has gotten a lot better...though they are other areas that need improvement, but that's a whole 'nother thread/blog! But it did get better and I enjoy having my SD over and doing things with her, but now my DH knows that my BD does not freeze in time until next weekend and that we (him, me and BD) can still do things when SD is not there even if something small like going out to eat or catching a movie...life goes on... but I will help DH with my SD...some weekends unexpectedly he has to work and sometimes that falls on his visitation weekend...I have no problem helping him with that...then it turns into a "girls weekend"...that also came with time too...Outsiders (people not in our situation) think that blended families happen over night! So untrue! It takes time...I think your wife may be experiencing some type of depression, like you've mentioned and/or possibly PPD...Don't throw the towel in yet and good luck to your marriage and your family...

Frustrated Dad,

Rather than comment on the things that you may be doing wrong or trying to help you see things from your wife's point of view, I would like to comment on a couple of things that jumped out at me. These things have nothing to do with figuring out the problems, but are things that may stand in the way of finding solutions. I know I'll probably get flamed, but here it is anyway...

FIRST: "We just started counseling but I am not allowed to say anything that upsets me to the counselor or my wife has said that she will walk out. She also has said that she doesn't want to talk about my kids at the marriage counselor but that's clearly where our biggest issues stem from. So there is marriage counseling but it is being limited in scope and therefore will have limited effect."

SECOND: "How do you convince someone that they might have PPD? I think that it is more than PPD but may be some depression that existed prior to PPD. My wife sees depression as some kind of defect and she refuses to ever speak to anyone about it or be tested for it."

So, you all are going to marriage counseling, but you can't talk about the problems from your perspective, only hers? Does she even acknowledge that she may be playing a part in said problems? If not, it just sounds like she wants the counselor to tell you what YOU are doing wrong & what YOU need to do to fix it. If she only wants to talk about how she feels & what she wants, why do you even need to be there? Maybe her time would be better spent in individual counseling in that case. However, you are indicating she won't do this because it would mean that she has some kind of 'defect'. (It amazes me, in this day & age, some people refuse to see depression as a medical condition-even when there is medical proof of an imbalance, as with your wife.)

I don't really have any advice for you, but from what you have posted (I agree it would be nice to hear from DW), this is what I'm hearing: You are trying to find answers, trying to get counseling, trying to save your marriage. Your wife refuses to let you talk about your feelings in counseling, and she also refuses to talk about her own feelings of depression & anger. That's not to say she doesn't have valid concerns & legitimate complaints. I'm sure she does. And it certainly sounds like she may be suffering from PPD, which can be debilitating all by itself, even in the 'perfect' marriage. But, unless she is willing to do her part & allow EVERYTHING that's causing problems between the two of you to be discussed in counseling, you are just spinning your wheels. Marriage is a partnership. Unless BOTH of you are willing to communicate openly & honestly & compromise when necessary & appropriate, your problems will never be solved.

I wish you the best of luck.

your in a tough position but it could be the difference of years between her kids and now the baby. Communicate, talk and give her reasons as to why you feel she is being unfair. Its obvious you 2 have ex marriages with kids, that should be a lesson learn to do the right thing now. COntinue the cousneling and good luck.

I know that this is a site full of mostly stepmoms, but if your side of this story is accurate, you are going to have a rough life ahead of you unless your wife starts trying to understand your side of the story too.

My DH went through the same situation with counseling with his ex.The therapist basically just started telling DH what he needed to do to "deal with" or "cope with" things that she said or did, rather than to help her see that was she was doing was hurtful to DH and to their marriage. Your wife's resistance to admitting that she has some problems is really hurting what could be helpful therapy sessions.

A lot of women on here are getting on your case for travelling. He has to make money. I'm sure he would love to stay at home all of the time if you could. That's not always a possibility! He says that his wife refuses to have anything to do with the kids (as do a lot of women on this site), so when is he supposed to spend time with them?

I don't see anything wrong with taking a baby to an activity for your children. DH and I are going to try to have a baby this summer. I'm sure that baby will be to many school programs, soccer games, etc and I want it that way! DH's kids will be my baby's brothers, and I don't want any resentment on anyone's part.

That being said, I think that you do need to make sure that you have some quality bonding time with just your wife and baby. That time is important. I'm sure she has a lot of hormones now. I know that I can get a lot of feelings of jealousy towards my skids and I really have to step back and see if my feelings are valid or if I'm blowing things out of proportion. Make sure you are having family time when your skids aren't around as well.

I don't think anyone should ever have to say that ANY of their children is #1, because that's just not fair. It sounds like she is insecure for some reason about your baby's place in your heart. I'm not sure if you've given her a reason to feel that way.

If you guys have a chance of working this out, you will have to get your wife to be open to the possibility that she could have some depression or PPD going on. She has to let you be open in counseling sessions. If you can do that, you have a chance. I wish you good luck!

although my dh and i don't have any kids together (hopefully) soon, he knows i favor my own over his (he does too to a degree) because they treat him like crap and THANK GOD he is not "blind" to the FACT.

i can see YOU loving them all equally, but can't see you asking your wife for the same (it just don't happen) i tried treating my skids like my own and there's too much disappointment, too much resentment, it's like falling in love with someone that will never love you back the same way IT HURTS

Who's resurecting old posts anyway? LOL

Your DW might feel like since this is a baby and the other kids are older that the baby needs the most attention? I am not really sure but like the other women who have posted her hormones are so out of whack and she has baby fever so I would continue the counseling and see how it is in a few months.

I once heard on Dr. Laura that "the first family should come first". She's an idiot, but that statement has stuck with me and I know DH believes it. There is so much guilt for leaving that he will forever be trying to make it up to his kids. It's okay to put your first family first once in awhile. Your wife shouldn't tell you where you can take the baby. Keep reassuring her how much you don't like your ex. That would help me. Also, keep telling her how wonderful she is (not in the same conversation). Spend alone time with each kid if possible. Maybe one kid a month? Do something w/ that kid's interests in mind. If alone isn't poss. go together, with the idea that you are doing it bec. ______ wanted to.