First, God bless this site!!! I have been searching for a way to talk with other step-parents who might understand what I go through, and at last I have found you!!

I have been involved with my SS's life for more than 4 years now. For 2 of those years, his BM was non-existent....she cheated on my husband (her ex) in their marriage, and when they (my SS and husband) moved home, she helped them both to pack and willingly drove them to the airport! She hardly ever called her son, never sent cards, didn't even send birthday or christmas messages during the time she was absent. For one christmas he received a winter coat, but it was 4 sizes to big for him at the time!

2 years ago, she moved back, and after a year of partying, drinking, and being a partial mom, she was on a mission to be "super-mom". She remarried (after finding out that she was pregnant) and has since given birth to 2 children. She doesn't work, volunteers her time at my SS's school and has even gone so far as to sign herself up as the cub scouts' den leader. While this may all sound like a "rehabilitated soul", the kicker is that she is mentally unstable. Her mother has a history of psychosis, and from everything that we have seen in the past 4 years, she is following in her mom's footsteps. Our SS is too young to really notice (although he has, at one point, straight out said to me that "my mom is crazy, you know that, right?") but we continually monitor the things he is taught at the BM's home to make sure nothing is out of control. (That ghosts aren't living in his BM's home to watch over him and his siblings at all times; that our current president is not a "traitorous muslim that should be shot"; that firefighters and police officers are just as heroic and necessary as EMSA personnel(step-dad is an EMSA medic)). What we have come to realize in the past months, is that while BM is mentally unstable, step-dad is a control-freak. We found out that he had checking into an AA program last year, and shortly after he "got sober", BM dropped all of her friends and family for his friends and family. Literally, told her friends and family that she didn't need them, and told one mutual friend of ours that "any friend of my enemy is also my enemy." Step-dad is a egotistical, control maniac who we don't see often due to his work schedule (overnights at EMSA, plus he doesn't attend extracurricular events), and therefore don't have to have much contact with.

Recently, I took the initiative to get my SS moved to a different school within the same district....better opportunities for gifted children and higher test scores by almost 20 points! When I emailed all parents (BM, Step-dad, and my husband) asking a question about how we should all handle the documentation that is sent home from his new school, and suggesting a more communicative relationship between the households, I received an email back from step-dad telling me that he, as the step-parent, was not involved in any parenting issues involving his SS, that those were the BM's department, and that personally, he "feels that there is something seriously wrong with anyone who does try to get so involved in the life of a child that isn't theirs. Awkward moment....eh?". He followed these statements with the command that I was to remove his information and to not contact him again for any reason!

My husband wrote a very civil and direct email back, cc: the BM and myself, stating that he expected the step-dad to be involved because he is a role model while his son is at his house and he IS a parent, whether he wants to be or not. The step-dad then wrote back to my husband saying, "I apologize if I wasn't clear in my initial email. i expect you to lose my contact information as well and for NEITHER of you to contact me."

On top of all of this...I am still trying to figure out how the new school situation will be handled! My husband has to be out of town on business during my SS's first week, and I would really like to meet them (BM and SS) at the school for his first day....to wish him well and take pictures (I'm an avid scrapbooker) but also to make sure that the new teacher actaully receives our information and is informed that we exist! (Last year, for the meet-the-teacher night, BM had my SS with her, and arrived 10 minutes early for our scheduled time...we showed up in time to hear her introducing herself and step-dad as, "This is Billy* and I'm Sally* and we're Tommy's* parents.")
*Changed names

I just am at a complete loss here. I am not an aggresive person, and in situations that pertain to my SS, my husband and I refuse to start fights or "egg-on" the other house hold. We will certainly defend our ideals and stand up for what we think is right for our son, but we don't "pick fights". They both hold an extreme amount of anger, not only towards us, but towards life in general, and we try very hard to keep them on an even keel for my SS's sake. I have obviously saved every communication between the BM and our house, and often keep a written record of situations...and these most recent emails will just be added to the stack.

I think more than anything, I am just searching for some validation and some guidance. My mother is actually my step-mother, which is such a great asset to have, but she is obviously very biased towards our situation. Is the step-dad right is some capacity...am I too involved? I don't have a child "of my own" yet, but have taken care of my SS since he was 4...and have loved him like "my own" since the first time we played power rangers together!

What is the right thing to do in this situation....

Thanks to all that have input...have a blessed night/week ahead!