New here...need to vent...need some advice!
New to this forum as well as being a step parent. I am the mother of three bio children and have two step children. One step lives with us and drives me crazy. His father and I have very different parenting styles and it is starting to take a toll on me. My step son is 12 and involved in every sport imaginable. My three (13, 12 and 10) are as well. My problem is that my fiance spoils his son. He is trying to make him into some super athlete and feels like he should not have any responsibility at home. As I mentioned, my bio children are involved in sports as well but I expect them to do chores and be responsible at home. My fiance and I argue all the time because his son does nothing. When I mention this he gets offended. I just feel frustrated because it seems like my children are always doing chores while his son does nothing. I am at my wits end!! On top of this, his son is a bit disrespectful. When I punish him for being disrespectful (take away video games), father does not support me. He always backs up my punishments when it comes to my bio children. When I bring this to his attention, he accuses me of doing everything in my power to make differences between our kids. I am on the verge of giving up. Someone please lend me some advice. Will things get better? I have only been in the step parent situation for about 10 months....
Well, if its good for the
Well, if its good for the stepson, its good for the bios....as least where DH is concerned. You tell him your kids DONT have to do chores because SKID doesn't do chores.
I always told mine, because they know it isn't fair, well, we do our chores anyway because we are becoming better people. See the skids, they are just learning to take and never give and they will end up being lousy people.
I was right!! If this continues with ss12, you are guaranteed a brattty brattty ss17 in about 5 years. He is shape able now...stick to your guns and raise him right. Tell DH to step off, you are in charge of the chores.
Well, if its good for the
Well, if its good for the stepson, its good for the bios....as least where DH is concerned. You tell him your kids DONT have to do chores because SKID doesn't do chores.
I always told mine, because they know it isn't fair, well, we do our chores anyway because we are becoming better people. See the skids, they are just learning to take and never give and they will end up being lousy people.
I was right!! If this continues with ss12, you are guaranteed a brattty brattty ss17 in about 5 years. He is shape able now...stick to your guns and raise him right. Tell DH to step off, you are in charge of the chores.
Not exactly what I wanted to
Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but I definitely appreciate the honesty. I try my best to sit down and discuss the issues with him, but most of the time he shuts down. He says that I am hard on his kids...I am, but I am hard on mine! I explain to him that I am trying to raise them to be responsible. I also explain to him that I have the same expectations for ALL the children. I was really hoping that this was just an issues we were experiencing because things are still so new and once we get used to each other, things would get better. I guess thats just wishful thinking.
ddakan: you are right about
ddakan: you are right about it being unfair. My bio children make comments that break my heart, but I cant let up because as you stated, "they are becoming better people."
Well hopefully for you it
Well hopefully for you it will get better...for me it HASNT!! My ss 11 doesnt play sports, do chores or do ANYTHING!!!! unless u consider video games "SOMETHING" he expects to be waited on hand and foot...while mY daughter, 11 does everything.....I try to explain to my H that he must hold his son responsible for his actions...but Im always PICKIN on him!!! Give me a BREAK!! I can forsee this boy living with us until hes like 25!!! But...good luck to you...hope it all works out....
leogirl819: I get the same
leogirl819: I get the same thing...i pick on my SS. It sounds pretty stupid considering that MY kids do everything. If I was picking on him, wouldnt HE be doing everything? I hate to admit it, but I have a very strong resentment toward my fiances kids. I get along great with my fiances family and the sad thing is they agree with ME. Most of my fiances family members voice the same opinions as I do, but it falls upon deaf ears. Thanks for the well wishes...I sure hope it gets better too.
CATXCA, I lived what you were
CATXCA, I lived what you were saying the whole time my stepsons lived at home. My husband had custody, we met when boys were 5 & 7, bio mom was not a real part of the picture. I ended up the one to raise these boys. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page as far as expectations of the children, disapline, and I wanted to be far to them as well as my own bios that lived with us too.
I tried to get husband to take the lead to be more of a parent to his sons but he would tell me he didn't know what was going on ion the home......he was gone alot with work and told me to take care of the issues myself. When I would, and I would consider any disaplinary action with the boys very carefully, more carefully than I would my own girls. The boys would get all mad and upset with me, run to their dad and cry the blues and then he would be there to coddle and protect them.
If I could get my husband to actually say he woudl deal with a sitaution and he would tell me his plan, he then woudl not follow thru.....days and weeks would pass, he had no intention to deal with the issues.
I finally got to the point that not only was a I bitter at the boys but very angry and disappointed in my husband as well. He and I would talk and talk about this and how it was making me feel but it NEVER changed as long as the boys lived with us.
As the boys became teens it got worse......they thought they could run and do whatever they wanted and dad just turned a blind-eye to everything. When the youngest boy was 18, I had been on anti-depressants, in counseling, was absolutely miserable.....stepson had thrown a stack of papers in my face, cursed me while my husband sat right there and did not do one thing about it. The next day I went to an attorney to find out my rights. Attorney said I had no rights but that stepson needed to be out of the home if he could not show me any respect. I went home and told my husband that either stepson finds his own place to live or I will leave myself. Husband gave his son 2 months to get out.
Since my husband has been able to see the terrible treatment that his sons have dished out and has supported me. The boys are 27 & 29 now and we have no relationship with either one. When their father started supporting me, the boys turned on their dad and then he finally felt what I had been going thru. This all took 21 years and a huge toll on my health, my mental state, and my marriage.
You need to find a way to stop all this now, as if it continues it will be a very hard road for you to travel. I wish you the best!
Rhyleighblue, I love it!!!!!
Rhyleighblue, I love it!!!!! Make perfect sense to me.
"Why do you make your kids do
"Why do you make your kids do chores?
Is it for free labor? Are you using your kids as unpaid child labor to clean up your house/yard/garage?"
This made me giggle. Yes, yes, and yes. Though I consider it more along the lines of "we all work together to keep the house/yard/garage neat, because we all use it". Unpaid child labor? Really?