After 15 Years my Step Mother called me...
I am new to this site and found it thru googling my situation. I need some input I'm confused and I'm not sure where I should go. Here's my story, I'm 24 years old my parents divocred when I was 9 after my father cheated and left my mom for another woman. I was never really close with my dads girlfriend, but for a short time period her and I were actually starting to bond, well one day my mom called her out of nowhere and told her not to ever look at me, speak to me, or basically breathe near me. Now, I live 2 hours from my dads house so I only saw him a few times out of the year. Years have gone by of her and I not speaking I never really understood why, I thought she hated me. Well, I have heard from my step-sister recently that my dad and her are seperating(they were never married) I didn't care that they were seperating to be honest, I was glad that finally maybe I could have a relationship with my dad again. Well, today I got a phone call and it was her, my dad's girlfriend, the woman that tore our family apart...she bascially called to apologize to me after 15 years, she said I was an adult now and she felt like she needed to get this off her chest so she could sleep at night, she said she never hated me, that anytime I was around I was always respectful and well behaved, but since my mom had threatned her she felt at the time she couldn't take any chances so she backed away. As she was o nthe other line, I just stood there holding back tears, I was angry, I was shocked, I couldn't believe she was on the other line, I didn't even say a word, when she asked if I was still there, I said yes, but I couldn't speak because I didn't know what to say, she asked if I hated her, I told her to be completly honest, I did in the past and maybe a small part of me still does. I listened to her tell her side of the story for a few more minutes, then before she hung up she told me I could save her number and if I ever wanted someone to talk to or wanted a relationship with her that the door was open! I guess why I am here, is I want to know if this has happened to anyone else and what did you do? How did you feel?
Is there any chance she's
Is there any chance she's grasping at straws and trying to save the relationship with your father? Have you talked to him, or your mother, about her phone call? I'd be curious to know what they'd have to say about her claims.
I called my mom immedietly
I called my mom immedietly after I hung up the phone with her and she thinks she is doing it for selfish reasons and not apologizing to be genuine, but more-so so she can sleep better at night. My mom then called my dad and he then called me, he said I should't have been mad at her because he pursued the relationship, he said she told him for a long time to go away and fix his marriage and he was stubborn and didn't want to. my dad and I have not had much of a relationship since my parents split, I was forced to go there as a kid when I got in trouble and as an adult we don't talk much expect for birthdays & holidays. I hate it, but I can't forced him to want to be in my life or his grand-daughters life for that matter!
So do you think there's any
So do you think there's any truth to her claims that your mother was to blame for her treatment of you?
Maybe, maybe not. I mean I
Maybe, maybe not. I mean I can see why she would take a ew steps back, but to completly ignore me and never say a word to me, as a child that was damaging!
I mean the whole relationship
I mean the whole relationship with my dad has me so tore up emotionally for other reasons (he has 1 son and 1stepdaughter and 2 step-grandchildren in WI that he visits frequently, but I'm blood and have his first blood related granddaughter and never see him)I hate it, and I guess part of me resents her and him both for being together because I feel like if my parents never would have split up I might actually still be close with my dad, I feel like since his gf was not "allowed" to talk to me while I was there, it sort of made my dad push me out of his life because I was only creating tension and problems within their home.
Thank yo ufor the advice, but after seeing what cheating does in a relationship, I have never been one to cheat and I do not put up with cheating, I believe some people can change, but how can you love someone when being with another person?
Sounds like both your Dad and
Sounds like both your Dad and his girlfriend harbored a lot of guilt for splitting up the family. I'm not saying it's right, but I'm thinking your Dad sort of walked on you to avoid having to deal with those feelings, and to avoid having to deal with your Mom. His girlfriend just followed suit, and now that their relationship is over, she's calling to apologize.
Oh he did for sure! I get it
Oh he did for sure! I get it from my dad but I'm trying to work on learning to talk about things when they upset me, it's not easy, but its something that has to be done in life. my dad has told me once or twice over the years that he wishes he woulda stayed with my mom and fixed the marriage, but all he has ever known was to walk away so that's what he did. He also told me not to hate his GF, and I can't help but still sort of hold alot of anger towards her. I'm angry with my dad too, but if she never woulda beenin the picture this never would have happened.
but if she never woulda been
but if she never woulda been in the picture this never would have happened.
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probably not true.... yes, it takes two to tango, but if your father was unhappy and blatently admits that HE was the one who pursured the relationship, then if it wasn't your step mom, it would have been someone else. I am not trying to speak poorly of your dad but generally that is how cheaters work.. it's selfishness, they don't care about their wife, their kids, the girlfriend, or anybody but themselves and satifying some personal selfish need that they think they have or are entitled to.....trust me I was married to one!
Again, not trying to attack your dad!! Just saying....
Your right, it just sucks I
Your right, it just sucks I juts wish cheaters could understand the consequences their actions have on everyone around them, not just themselves!!
I have not had a similar
I have not had a similar experience myself. But if DH and I ever separated, I would definitely call SS to tell him my version of the truth and that I love him. I would want him to know that I will always care for him even if he doesn't feel the same way about me.
Thank you so much, that is
Thank you so much, that is great advice, I will just take it for what it's worth and let it be. I can't help but wish I would have said so much more to her, but I decided to just keep it all in and let it all go.
I guess my only question is
I guess my only question is why are she and your dad splitting up? Is she viewing a potential relationship with you as a back door way to still be involved in your father's life?
You are both adults, I see no problem with you having a relationship with her, I just think it best to be sure of her intentions before opening yourself up for drama and more hurt.
I am unsure of why they ar
I am unsure of why they ar splitting up, i guess it's been like this for a few months now and I had to hear it from my Grandma, I had no idea, I just played along like I knew what she was talking about. Then, I talked to my Stepsister(were pretty close) and she said she knew but didn't know details. My dad just told me today on the phone that they were going through the same thing my parents did, so I'm assuming that means he found someone else?!
I don't really want a relationship with her to be honest, after all these years it might just be weird especially if they are not going to be together anymore, what's the point?
I have had a difficult time
I have had a difficult time building relationships with my stepkids. I love them with everything in me, but the situation doesn't allow me to bond with them. I have often wondered how things would be between us if anything were to happen to my husband. Certainly I would make every effort to contact them, because I would have things of hy husband's that he would want them to have. Even beyond the obligation, though, I truly would hope to remain in touch with them. I really do want them to know they can contact me & turn to me for support anytime they wish to.
Given the things we've struggled with, however, I don't know that they would ever do so. As a stepmother, I have struggled with knowing how involved is appreciated & I think I've kept more of a distance from them when we have had time with them maybe than I should have. I could see where they might mistake my giving them space for ignoring them or shutting them out. I just didn't want to smother them or make them feel like I was pushing myself on them. It's been difficult for me to understand why they don't like me. I have concluded that I don't believe I have actually done or said anything that they found unfavorable, aside from being with their dad. I think that my presence shut down their hopes of their mom & dad reconciling...again, & that makes me the bad guy, & the easy one to blame. At the same time, I realize that my uncertainty has likely made it hard for them to really know my feelings toward them. They're probably as confused as I am when it comes to that.
Given the cheating that played a part in your parents separating, your ill feelings toward your SM are understandable, but of course, she isn't the only one to blame. It sounds like you understand that.
If you're curious about talking to her, asking her questions about what has happened, things you feel, etc, call & talk to her. If you just really don't care about what she might have to say, then don't.
This is something I have wondered about often with my skids & I really do hope that if they are, at all, teetering on the decision they'll opt to make the call. What can it hurt?
Maybe she is contacting you
Maybe she is contacting you now because her and your father are splitting up and she's free to make amends?Maybe your father was the one holding her back and telling her to leave well enough alone?Maybe she was afraid to rock the boat by calling you before and now that she's a free woman,she can try to mend fences?
I'm not trying to make excuses for the cheating,there really is no excuse for that.But maybe her motives aren't as selfish and one sided as your mother(the person who alienated you from your father and her in the first place)says they are.