Thank god, I am not alone!
I am so glad to have found this site. I feel totally alone in this world right now, like my marriage is failing apart, my life has spun out of control and I really need to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions as well as hopefully get some advice. From people who will not judge me, or see me as the monster that I feel that I am right now.
(WARNING: Jerry Springer-ish)
Let me start by saying I thought I had married one of the good one's, now I am not so sure. My husband has custody of 3 of his kids, when we started dating his ex was pregnant but she wasn't sure if he was the baby's dad or if the man she married right after she had slept with hubby, instead of sticking around and doing a DNA test she ran away and got married to a man in the Air Force and he signed the birth certificate. He was allowed NO contact. We started building our life together, moved in together and then got married. 6 months after we were married, the baby's mom comes and drops her off for us to take care of because her husband seen that she is crazy, she has been DX'd BPD. We tried through the courts to get some sort of custody but husband has no legal rights to baby. 3 months later bio-mom picks baby up and plays head games for the next year. Well 2 months ago, we found out bio-mom is on drugs and having men run in and out of her house with sd4 there, so she is now living with us again. I feel for these kids, they have had it rough their whole lives, with that woman as a mother they are doomed.
I just don't know if I can do it, this is one of the most needy children, and I know it's because of her past, I am in college and have 4 other children to take care of, 2 of them have ADHD and one of them is a teenager. I am at my wits end and thought it couldn't get any worse, UNTIL... My SD10 hits her pre-teen hormonal stuff that all little girls go through. Now, I am no where near a perfect mom but my 2 bio-kids respect me. They know how far they can push me, they know when to STOP.. His kids NOT so much. I am ready to leave, he works 8 hours a day and goes to school at night, so I am here with them and am their main caretaker. Now, I don't believe in hitting a a rule but when my own DD was 11 and hit this hormonal thing and continued to talk back after be warned and punished, I smacked her across the face, once was all it took, she realized that her mom WON'T tolerate it, but SD isn't mine and I cannot bring myself to go with the same punishment, husband doesn't believe that his angel is that bad and thinks that I am just over reacting. Which is a whole other story, and won't resort to smacking as the answer. My parents did, I survived, and gained respect quickly, his parents did and he gained respect for them, so WTF is the problem then? I realize I cannot force him to do things my way, but after everything I have been and am going through with his kids, if something doesn't change, I will end up leaving him and I do love him so it will kill me!
I know this post is long and all over this place, I have been holding all of this in for so long I just exploded and words just started coming out..
What's next?
I am thinking to disengage but here's the problem with that. He is our families only source of income, I am in school 3 days a week, have 2 therapy appointments every week with out 2 that have ADHD and on top of that am going to be doing an extern-ship in the next two terms, I would never be able to find a job to work around my schedule to carry my weight around our home, he would have to cut his work hours drastically if I were to fully disengage, so how could I make this work? I know I CANNOT handle the stress of raising a 4 year old cute but VERY needy and bratty child and then his 10 year old whom I love but do NOT like very much at all anymore! That sounds so awful, but it feels good to finally admit it. I don't like her, she is jealous and VERY immature, at times she reminds me so much of the 4 year old with the way she speaks, and carries herself.
Please someone tell me how I can make this work, I don't even know myself anymore, I spend so much of my time trying to fix his kids, that I am losing me, started struggling in school with grades, don't even have time to put make-up on, oh and the kicker, we had to give up our bedroom for his precious 4 year old to have a place to sleep, so I am sleeping on the couch with no place to call my own for a child who has never been proven to be his!!
If you are going to keep your
If you are going to keep your sanity, you must DISENGAGE. They are not your children and you have no responsibility. And attorney will tell you that a stepparent has less legal rights than a babysitter. We are somthing from the bottom of the toilet when it comes to legal rights (and responsibilities) of step children. I completely understand where you are coming from. But either you go out on your own, if you don't want to stay married to the man or else you have to learn to DISENGAGE. Read the blogs here - you really aren't alone at all. I choose to stay married and tough out the three and a half years I have left until bratty SD is in college and hopefully living in another state. Try to stay positive and give yourself a break and don't blame it on yourself. You were doing ok before this, right? You will be fine after this too!
Hi Missing_Me, Please read
Hi Missing_Me,
Please read the other posts here. I just came on a week ago and this place is the best to vent (I've been searching online for about a month now). I have a really difficult SD who is narcissistic, ADD, ADHD and bipolar (who refuses help). I don't like her, and she has put me through so much these past 3.5 years that I'm not even sure I love her anymore either. These days I would say I tolerate her. I can tell you that just reading these stories has really helped me in the past week. (My first post was 1.5 years and she is out of here).
Here is my first suggestion-you get that bedroom of yours back! You need a sanctuary you can call your own to get away when everything is going nuts. If your husband pitches a fit, try talking to him and explain how you feel. If he won't listen, you do everything to manipulate, guilt, whatever so you can get that area back for yourself. You MUST do something or yourself or you will go over the edge and all is lost.
Secondly, I would also try and disengage. It seems like when we care too much about them and what is going on we only get hurt. I am now starting to disengage from my 17 year old, and as hard as it is I realize it is the right thing to do for me. It sounds harsh, but of all the things I have read, of all the advice therapists have given me, disengaging has helped the most. Make your husband deal with HIS children. You might lose him for a while, but at the very least he will appreciate your role more and you will have time to deal with your kids who need you most.
My last suggestion is for you to PLEASE find at least 1 hour each day for yourself. You need to become centered again. It sounds selfish, but you need to start taking time for yourself. Remember, you can't help anyone else until you help yourself. Even if it is just as simple as taking a bath-lock the door and do it. Light some candles and relax and make yourself whole again. Then you can go out and deal with the insanity again.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
As Oprah once said (as corny as it is) "We are all here for each other."
I started a small talk with
I started a small talk with hubby last night about the whole mess that has become my life. Crazy bio-mom says she is picking up sd4 and taking her to a homeless shelter, and she can because DH doesn't have any right to her, no court will recognize him as a legal parent. But, she won't! She just uses that to get to him, and he lets her do it! So here we go again, I am so beyond done with this situation. Love can only carry a relationship so far. Would I like for bio-mom to take sd4, absofreakinlutly!! I am just not that lucky.
I love my husband so much, it hurts that in the back of my mind I am seriously wondering if it's enough. My bio-kids are suffering in some ways and befitting in other's, I am trying to weigh the good and bad, right now, the bad is a whole lot heavier.
That woman (do ovaries make a woman?) is crazy, and has inserted herself in our lives over and over and over, she has zero parental rights due drug use the 2 older one's and yet, he continues to let her see them, even after she recently stole his son's ADHD medications to get high. I am just ready scream or leave or both.