That is the Jekyl-Hyde abusive personality, only she is not bashing him to his face, no, that's too scary for her, so she's doing it passively. Playing the victim card...if it bothers DH, he should tell her to cut it out. But really, all you can do is live it down. Your real friends know the truth. This is said from experience, both mine and DH's.

I don't think this alone is enough to say she's mentally ill.

two-faced - definitely

It's typical controlling whackjob BM behavior. Here is an excerpt from just one of many a lovely conversation with our BM:

BM text to DH: can you please pay for 1/2 of SS instrument lessons? It's 30.00 per month and I'm not sure I can do it.

DH text to BM: No, that is what CS is for, not my fault that you can't use the money properly and seriously $30.00 per month? I never asked you for help with Karate lessons, ski lessons, etc. should I start?

BM text to DH: Fuck off and forget it asshole.

Very next day, BM calls sweet as pie, "Hey, can you pick SS up after school?" "Ok, thanks!" Like nothing ever happened... who the hell acts like that? oh that's right SHE DOES.. when she doesn't get what she wants, look out... but when everything goes her way then all is sunshine and butterflies. **barf**

Google "sociopathic personality disorder" and "narcissistic personality disorder".

Narcisstic traits......
•Reacts to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliation
•Takes advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goals
•Has feelings of self-importance
•Exaggerates achievements and talents
•Is preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal love
•Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment
•Requires constant attention and admiration
•Disregards the feelings of others, lacks empathy
•Has obsessive self-interest
•Pursues mainly selfish goals

Sociopathic traits....
Glibness and Superficial Charm

Manipulative and Conning
They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

Grandiose Sense of Self
Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."

Pathological Lying
Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

Shallow Emotions
When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

Incapacity for Love

Need for Stimulation
Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

Callousness/Lack of Empathy
Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

Irresponsibility/Unreliability
Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

We've got one too (BM). The only way we've found peace is, (THANK GOD) DH's daughters are over 18 and are now refusing contact (don't live w/ us), and we've litterally CUT OFF the BM over a year ago. Blocked her calles, etc.

They are ROYAL-ASS NUT JOBS.

For most of my teen and adult life I considered the whole mood swing, depression, mental illness thing to be an excuse to cover a person's poor behavior and issues of character.

Until I suffered from similar problems myself. For a period of several years in my mid 30's I would oscillate between being happy, jovial, etc and uncontrolled fury and raging rants at the drop of a pin. I was never violent but would get very mean and nasty with the people I loved the most. My wife, brother, mom and dad. Finally I came to the realization that I had a problem that could end my second marriage and do permanent damage to my relationships with my parents and brother if I did not address it.

I brought it up with my GP when I went in for some minor issue. He recommended that I see my Endocrinologist soon and bring up the issue with the Endo.

Long story short, extreme mood swings and temper flare ups can be a side effect of poor Blood Glucose control. It is not consistently high or low BG that can cause this problem it is regular extreme oscillation between Hypo and Hyper glycemia. Once I became aware of the problem and the likely cause I could rationalize through the mood swings and minimize how I reacted to the emotion until I got my BG control more consistent. I still struggle with the issue occasionally but I know what the problem is and that I really am not angry at anyone so I go somewhere to be alone until I can calm down.

BM may truly just be an evil manipulative POS. Or she may have a problem. If her behavior is adversely impacting your family, call CPS and let them deal with her.

Good luck and best regards,

Actions speak louder than words. Honestly nothing will be gained for her to lamblast the 2 of you all over town. If anyone asks anything or says anything just look surprised and say "Really? Someone must be mistaken because that didn'r happen." And change the subject.

If people know you they will not believe her and her ramblings. I mean, who believes the crap on FB anyway? So people who DON'T know you but know HER are listening/ reading to her diatribe and ramblings about a relationship that was over long ago? And they believe her? And people who DO know you think what? Has anyone ever said anything to you?

Of course she will be nice to your face. She is posting the crap about you on a site she thinks you have no access to.

Be a good eprson. Smile and be polite to others. Her dramaland life is probably just entertainment for many.

I hear you. I also agree it isn’t mental illness (sigh) that would explain so much. Plus there are drugs for that. It is situational. You are a wicked stepmother and stop trying to pretend you aren’t!!! Now, if you are like me, as soon as you read that, you immediately wanted to rush in to defend yourself. But, I am not wicked! I really am not. Of course you aren’t, but does anyone believe you? No, they would much rather believe an emotionally dishonest and manipulative BM who is rallying hatred against you on the Internet. How evil is that?

Evil defined: "Intentionally behaving in ways that harm, abuse, demean, dehumanize or destroy innocent others—using one’s authority and systemic power to encourage or permit others to do so on your behalf. In other words knowing better but doing worse."

Until the general public (families) wake up to the fact that they discriminate against stepmothers and automatically assume they are guilty of being a home wrecker, greedy, cold, and all the rest of the nonsense, they help feed the hatred and injustice. Those very same people are bereft of any objectivity to properly assess the situation and act with the normal decency they would extend to almost anyone else.

You are immersed in a culture where stepmother bashing is socially condoned. Because there are so many of them, they hide behind the cloak of anonymity and no one holds themselves personally accountable for their sadistic words and actions. They remain indifferent to the humiliation and abuse they are inflicting upon you. To them it is just fun and games. Stepmothers are bullied all over the place, and nobody cares. Yet paradoxically those very same people vehemently hold on to the view of themselves as loving and nice. Go figure!

If these people who feed her sympathy and support for her emotional dishonesty were to say to BM cut it out she would stop. The fact that she is doing her bashing on the Internet, in itself should be enough for people to clue into the fact that here is something dreadfully wrong with her behaviour.

Sounds like a typical ex-wife to me.

DH would prefer to refer to the bitter BM as narcissitic vs. sociopathic....I guess admitting he married a certified sociopathic nut-job in the first place and was married for 15 years, is a bitter pill to swallow.

I don't care what he calls her. I know who she is and I know what she is capable of. They LIVE for drama because they need the attention at all times. They play the victom and he ate it up like candy being married to her.

You will have to learn to take the higher-road, and not react to ANYTHING she says or does. Focus on you and your DH and YOUR HAPPIENESS. It is going to be EXTREMLY DIFFICULT to mentally shut the BM-drama off in your head, but it is a must if your marriage is to survive.

The BEST defense against a sociopath is "NO CONTACT", and the BEST revenge is to LIVE YOUR LIFE, AND LIVE IT WELL. You will never be able to go up to battle against her, or fight back. It will only make things worse, and believe it or not, she will make YOU out to look like the nut job. Happened to me. Now our BM's in bed w/ DH's Bro's and SIL's and they are all on the mob-band-wagon against me. Fun stuff. I am chosing to disengage from ALL OF THEM now.

BM is narcissitic and we simply refer to her as "crazy". She makes nasty remarks in her emails to DH, is always condescending, and preaches how she does everything in the "best interests of MY children". I don't know how many times I have heard that response or even better when she alludes to 'research based best practices' when defending her opinion on something. Yeah, I can look on webmd all I want but it doesn't qualify me to be a doctor either
In addition, we are the ones that are always being difficult. She's the victim and doesn't understand how DH and I can "be so cold" with her especially if we fail to share what is going on in our lives (DH and I). I'm sorry but she only needs information with regards to skids and that's it...she's not our friend. She has referred to me as a bitch and told DH that the sight of his face makes her sick. I've diagnosed her as having a borderline personality and it seems to fit given her actions and what information DH has told me about her past.
Rags, it was interesting to see you bring up medical issues as another area to explore. BM is hypoglycemic (sp?) and I know mood swings are common, however, in her situation I think it's her personality issues that determine how she responds to situations more than anything else.
I used to look at BM's myspace and FB but that led to her trying to communicate with me. She would make nasty remarks about her being "the mom" and 'how I should be grateful and thank her for all I have'...and yes, these are things she would post on her page for me to view. I thought, how childish? What are we in middle school? I don't bother looking at her pages anymore. She uses those social sites to portray herself as the victim and MOTY. Well, guess what? Most mom's I know don't have to wear a shirt stating they are MOTY or post it on FB unless they're looking for someone to boost their ego...which is why I think she's such a narcissist. I agree with Mominator that best revenge-and what has worked for me in the past-is to just keep smiling and continue living my life. I know she's looking for a reaction and if I give her one then she's satisified-she loves continuing the drama game. If I don't respond, it just pisses her off b/c I'm not playing her game.

Sounds like her world ends if she is not constantly the center of attention. Mentally ill? No. Pathological, sad, and annoying? Yes.