So Frustrated
I need help,until I saw this forum I believed that I was a terrible person to admit that I don't like my soon to be stedaughter. Let me give you the shortest version of this story I can. My fiance and I have been together 2 years this December and we are getting married next October, his daughter will be 8 this coming December and acts like she is still 5 or 6. I will say that her mom is a whackjob she has left her 2 times and moved away, once when she was 3 and once last year. She has been back in her life since August, her mother has "mental" issues or she is supposed to have "mental" issues. My stepdaughter doesn't listen, has started talking back, argues with everything we tell her, and whines all the time, add in the times she talks like a baby and you have an instant recipe for a strait jacket. I love my fiance, but when my SD is gone for the weekend I am sooo much happier, getting her to do anything is a chore and even counseling doesn't see to be helping her. She forgets everything even the littlest details and you have to tell her something and have her repeat it back to you and even at that you are lucky she remembers anything. We have gone to a rewards calendar to get her to clean her room and that seems to be working, but it isn't helping the back talk, whining, immature behavior and the constant interrupting people when they are talking, she even goes as far as to walk in front of someone when they are having a conversation to get their attention, as well as telling everyone when her birthday is, anything to get attention. As you can tell I am frustrated and aggravated with " the princess" which is what she believes she is as everyone has always treated her that way. I am going to try counseling for myself because I do very much love my fiance, but I feel terrible thinking how much more wonderful life would be for us if she lived with her mom.
Hi ancass1! This forum is
Hi ancass1! This forum is wonderful. I myself was feeling guilty about the way I fealt until I came on here. The people here are wonderful, and can actually understand what you are going through. Even when they can't relate, they always let you know you aren't alone!
I deal with this with DH's daughter. She is almost 7. She has princess syndrome, and I seem to be the only one who notices it or gets annoyed by it. I know it can be hard.
Thanks Tofurkey, I am hoping
Thanks Tofurkey, I am hoping I can get some advice, I should also add that my stepdaughter does love me and she has called me mom, but I just can't bond and it's killing me and making me moody and ,miserable, and I HATE feeling like this
my little princess is SD18
my little princess is SD18 and going on 5 in the maturity dept----- they never grow out of it. Fortunately she's finally out of my life and out of my house.
You have a long road ahead of you, especially if daddy wants to play doormat to his little "princess".
I have to say my fiance is
I have to say my fiance is aggravated with it too, he blames himself for alot of her issues. He worked 3rd shift when she was between 5 and 6 and she stayed with his mom quite a bit. He gave into her alot when she was younger because he was too tired to argue, but he now understands there is a problem and he is trying to help out. So he isn't giving in or letting her get away with it at all.
Wow I had to look at the
Wow I had to look at the screen name to make sure I didn't write this in my sleep! I am in exactly the same situation. SD is also in counseling and it doesnt seem to help much in fact it seems to be just another way to get attention from someone else. She talks over the counselor and never answers her questions directly so our counselor has decided that parenting training sessions for DH (I am allowed to come if I want to) would be more helpful than her trying to talk to her once a week. We have definately had our ups and downs and sometimes are better than others. It sounds like you are very realistic about it and seeking counseling for yourself can be good but maybe for you and your fiance? It has been helping us. I wish you luck and I wish I had better advice but right now I am as frustrated as you are.
That's how I feel about the
That's how I feel about the counseling, she seems to have more fun playing and is excited for the doctor to see her calendar and all her stickers then she is to talk to her. It seems like a waste of time, like you said another person to get attention from. She is caught between growing up and being a child, she sees the attention our 3 year old neighbor gets and wants it too, but doesn't realize she isn't 3 and what she doesn't isn't cute, it gets annoying, mornings are the worse she takes her time eating, you think she's upstairs getting dressed, you pop in her room she is playing and we end up yelling at her and we all go off for the day aggravated.
It sounds like her rather
It sounds like her rather fractured life is having consequences. She does the whining thing because it is the only way she gets results.
No one says you ahve to like her. YOu just need to be firm but fairt and in time have a civil relationship. Does your DH back you up?
If my mother had walked out of my life 2 times by the time I was 8 I think I would have been a little whiney as well. And she whines and acts helpless because she gets away with it and she is testing you to see how far she can go before you walk away as well an in her tiny mind she feels her self hatred is justified.
So in the morning, get her up and tell her she gets dressed in 10 minutes or she is going to school in her PJs. Ny friend did the same thing with her son. He just wanted to play and so she put him in the car and drove him to the gates in his PJs. She had a change of clothes for him in the car and he had to get changed in the car with all the school kids watching him.
As Christmas is coming up, make her in charge of something like decorating her room because her sister is far too young to decorate.
She is retrainable but considering she was left with a mentally ill mother for so long I suspect she has learnt this way to behave so she can exist.
No one says you have to love her.
My fiance is very behind me.
My fiance is very behind me. He blames himself and he is trying like hell to straighten it out, I feel bad sometimes cause he gets stuck in the middle, which I don't want him to, but he loves us both so I know my attitude and her behavior gets to him. The other problem is getting her mothers family to help us out, they see nothing wrong and think we are making stuff up, but then again they did raise her mother so their opinions are questionable to begin with. Right now she sees them alot because she has to have supervised visits with her mom and her mom is living with her parents, along with her boyfriend and the baby brother. I have watched the grandparents and they baby her as well so that doesn't help, they still buy her clothes that are too small and toys appropiate for a younger child, but she picks them out because mentally she is much younger. She has borderline ADHD, but it hasn't gotten to the point yet that meds are required.