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How do you SM's deal with accusations of favouritism....

MaGoose2010's picture

Submitted by MaGoose2010 on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 4:55am

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Blended Family Issues

I was just wondering....because my skids accuse me of this and I suppose to an extent it is true. My kids are extremely special human beings to me...perhaps it's guilt parenting...

This is why...

BS20: 1)he witnessed his dad strangle me when he was 3 y/o. We then split up and I had a restraining order against him.

2) his stepfather (my exH) hated him and was always hitting him and picking on him until I stood up to him and made him stop and BS's BD threatened to take him to court. Usually SD was always making him take the blame for things she did & he owned up to make exH stop.

3) I was unable to give him demonstrative love as a kid because I was going through hell with the ex and was trying to survive as a troubled young BM with a small child (I was in an emotionally abusive relationship in my first marriage).

BD11: 1)she was sexually abused by exH's son by his previous marriage (he is 11 yrs older than BD11) My exH refused to believe it and nothing was done about it. BD was 4 at the time. She was in counselling for a while. I reported it to the police but the prosecutor of our small town threw it out because BD11 would not talk to the police about it and I refused to allow them to do an internal on her.

2) she's my special child. A gift. We battled to fall pregnant with her (for 3 years) I so badly wanted a little girl of my own...but it was not happening and we could not afford to go to a specialist or have treatments. So we decided to give it a break and stop trying and that's when exH started betraying our marriage and got involved with swingers. After about 2 months I found out I was pregnant with her. I was overjoyed! My marriage then went downhill from there, as he drank and partied with his swinger friends.

So long and short of it is that..yes I do favour my own kids...but I also try to be fair in the blended family situation and treat all the same. It's not easy when SS14 is forever pushing my buttons and destoying my stuff, his dad's stuff and stealing BD11's things etc & I do tend to pick on him alot, I suppose.

I suppose I need to self-reflect before he returns tomorrow.....See what I can do to prevent this 'favouritism'

MG

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 12:03pm

You made a great case for a mother caring for her bio-children but you didn't explain why the steps are accusing you. So you'll have to figure it out yourself exactly what you're doing.

Although you need to be careful the steps are not just manipulating you I would take the accusation seriously enough to be aware of what you're doing that might make the accusations true. Be alert.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 12:49pm

Um, it's ok for you to favor your bio kids-no matter what they went thru. Do your skids favor their bm over you? Of course they do. You are going to have a different relationship with skids-you can still be kind, caring, and respectful to your skids but it's not going to be the same.

MaGoose2010's picture

Submitted by MaGoose2010 on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 2:00pm

Thanks for the responses.

I do tend to freak more when my SS14 disobeys me compared to when BD11 does. I just look at his face, while I am asking him why he did it...and he just shrugs his shoulders and blinks his eyes at me...Soooooo frustrating!!!! Whereas my kids will defend themselves or apologise straight away *(when they know they are wrong). I suppose it's PAS or just plain anti-establishment...

Thanks guys
Regards
MG