Not to sound harsh here but, who is the adult??? We are talking about an 11 yr. old. He didn't have much of a say as to how he ended up where he is. He may not be in to physical sports but, he may be in to other things. As the adult, it is up to you to meet him halfway. You have the reasoning capacity.... he doesn't. As tired and confused as you are.... so is he. He probably feels left out already. Maybe some alone time with just the two of you would be beneficial. He may not be yours but, he is part of the package, isn't he????
Blessings!

You are not crazy and as you will find out when you spend more time on here it's a common feeling w/many stepparents "I tried to like them but I just can't" you feel like crap about it but what can you do? I checked about a dozen books about step-parenting out of the library and the common thought on that is to just be kind, treat the kid with respect and expect the same in return and hopefully the 'liking' will follow. It may or may not but at least you don't have a miserable relationship. As far as the video games..welcome to the age of technology, my steps don't know how to entertain themselves unless the have something to plug in! You should try the books, they are mostly geared towards step-moms for some reason but the principles are the same, maybe show your wife some of the parts that are relevant or show her your post on here. Good Luck!

I don't think you're crazy at all and I feel badly for you that your wife doesn't seem to get it that this isn't your kid and maybe you're just not going to have the bond with him that she (and probably you) wanted. It's just as sad and frustrating for you as it is for her, I'm sure.
Also, if she is blaming you for not doing more with him, I'd ask her what exactly she suggests you do with him since she doesn't want you playing video games (which I get, because I'm not a fan, either). Is his birth dad in the picture? Does he like anything you are into? Maybe he likes going to games even though he's not a good player? Or perhaps you guys can have a guys night at the movies once in a while. Not everyone is going to just love their step-kids and it's ok- something I've learned while lurking here and something that's taken an enormous amount of pressure and weight off of my shoulders.
I think it's admirable you're still trying after so many years of a tough time and seeking out support/advice.

I forgot to add in my last post that I wasn't a huge fan of video games either until the Wii came along. We don't let the kids play any violent video games but the Wii sports games are pretty good and even Guitar hero is better than watching TV. (It's more difficult than it looks, that takes crazy hand-eye coordination) anyhow, we have Wii bowling or golf tournaments with the whole family, it's kinda fun! I would still rather the kids play outside and make REAL memories instead of virtual ones but I guess it's all about compromise.

There's possibly other reasons he is not posting. Afterall, sometimes we post what we can remember as annoying or what is specifically bothering us at the time. I know for my postings lately have been limited and brief because I'm actually doing them from an iPhone and not a computer. They also included many typos because the phone changes my word sometimes. Anyway, I think the fact the poster stated he doesn't like him is good enough for me.

I have to agree with Proud_Arrow's response as well. I don't think you're a bad SP. Just frustrated that you haven't been able to find any common ground so far. It's great that you recognize the need for change and have asked for help. Obviously you will need to do most of the work here since you're the adult and have better reasoning. Possibly you could talk your wife in to allowing the Wii as a family purchase. Exercise benefits....time as a family benefit, etc... you get my thoughts here. Anyway, then ask SS which game is his absolute favorite and put aside some time just for you and him. You might hate the game he chosses but, it is still an opportunity to bond. Who knows, you might even find that he tries a little harder to do some of the things that you like too.
Best of luck to you!

You said the following;

I can't even stand to have him in the room with me, many times I purposly leave the room just so I won't be tempted to cut him down or have negative thoughts about him. Am I crazy? Really. Should I get a family phsycologist or something?

I have done that a handful of times. My DH, SS10 and BD6 sit down to eat dinner and I sometimes say I am not hungry or I am doing something and will be there in a few. I don't even wanna sit down with him or even look his way. He will make some little joke and it annoys me. He's a kid, he's supposed to do those things, but somehow it's just not funny to me. It's not fun dealing with annoying crap all the time and then the BM or BD's expect you to love the Skids right away. For me, it's like, I dealt with BM's drama for WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY to long and SS10 is a constant reminder of her. He does a handful of things that shows her bad parenting mess that we have to clean up. She is one person I HATED. I don't hate barely anyone, I dislike some, but hate, no. I get along with everyone so when I was in the position to take on all BM's drama it's like when does it end. My SS10's BM is no longer in the picture, but he is just a reminder of all the crap we went through.

I also thought I was going crazy at one point. I would get chest pains and feel annoyed when I left work. I thought I was losing my mind thinking mean things about my SS until I found this site. Venting on here and hearing other stories does help out. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. So much is expected of Sparents that it becomes too much pressure. I wish things would go back to the way they were before he came. When things were normal, well part way normal

Yes I think you should get professional help with this. The kid has enough problems without having you mentally abusing him. I realize its not deliberate and recognizing your problem is half the battle.

I think you will benefit a lot from the help. Its amazing how much insight a outside person can deliver. It'll be well worth the money. Make sure the counselor is a member of a well recognized organization of counselors as in many places anyone can hang out a sign with just a business license.

You want a trained counselor with a at least a 4 year degree.

I agree, you are NORMAL!! I dislike my SS14 intensely but I still care about him as a human being and a child. His mother is unable to care for him resulting in the responsibility passing on to us. He misses his mother like crazy and phones her every day (she lives 4hours away) but originally it was his choice to live with his dad, even though at that stage things were going great with BM who was engaged to marry a well-off man who then up and died of Aids a fews months before their wedding. When I came into the picture, however, BM was happily living with her bf but SS14 was unhappy and asked to live with FH. I then moved in with FH and we've been a family ever since. BM's fiance then passed away and she moved to stay with her parents 4 hours drive away. SS14 gets driven to her for EVERY school holiday at OUR EXPENSE and by the 2nd day she is already asking us to fetch him because his is giving her sh*t and she can't cope with him. He also gets bored and cannot handle the constant fighting between BM and her BF. We bought him a PS2, have cable TV and even bought him a computer (which he stuffed up by deleting program files and stripping the hardware!) His playstation is stuffed up...suppose he stripped it! Only the cable TV left which he sits glued to, lying on the couch with his feet in the air! But FH tells me today that he has skipped a payment on the cable, so we will probably be cut off soon...YAY! I detest lazy destructive kids! He has 2 bicycles but both are broken (wonder why???). All that's left is the beautiful big yard outside, 2 big dogs to play with and wonderful sunshine! All of which FH & I work our asses off to afford for him and BD11.

Sorry I am venting....

SS14 has ADD (supposedly but I don't think so...lately I think he is just missing some brain cells because he is/acts just plain stupid!) He doesn't even know where we stay! (he is 14 for crying in a bucket!) Last evening I had to fetch him from a playdate..I was running late from work...and the mum phones me and asks where we stay, as he had told her some other address and that my work was in the same town as where we live! Our business is 30 km's away from our home in another town!!! He has no idea of his own spacial orientation!

I also walk out of the room sometimes when SS14 comes in because I get extremely annoyed with his inability to socialize with other people or family normally. He cannot speak properly, eat properly or even think clearly. I have opened myself up wide for critism but I DON"T CARE!! (bring it on those posters who will object...)

Funny enough, Nomi, in my previous relationship (first time SM for me) I doted on the skids (4 & 6 when I came on the scene.) Made them my own, loved them to bits and allowed them full access to their dad to the extent that I took a backseat to his attention when they were around. Ok admittedly they didn't live with us full time only 50/50. The SS used to come from behind me in the kitchen and hug me and it felt good. That was until I found out he sexually molested our daughter that we had together. She was 4 and he was 16 at that time. ExH defended SS and swept it all under the carpet. I now feel betrayed by exH & SS and feel that I will get hurt again loving someone else's kids (not that SS14 is at all lovable to me....FH says he has a strange respect for me, probably because I watch him like a hawk...I have to...he nearly set our house on fire TWICE!)

I think that SS14 plays on the fact that he 'has' ADD and uses it to his advantage to be able to act stupid and get everyone's sympathy & attention. BUT NOT FROM ME!!! I spend the most time around him, of everyone in the family, due to school schedules and FH working so much...I know this kid...He's manipulative and devious!

Anyway I do care for him as a human being and I try to be fair with the 2 kids ss14 & BD11 and treat them the same where disappline and privileges go. But when he is not around I do tend to spoil my BD11...normal I suppose.

Talking to a counselor would probably be good... it couldnt hurt. But youre not crazy. we've all felt like that at one point or another and anyone who says that they havent is a big fat liar. On the wimpy kid end - i understand why you are frustrated... my brother has four older sisters and was the wimpiest, scardiest kid on the face of the planet lol DH just kept pushing him and pushing him till he found something non-wimpy to do together - 4 wheelers and dirt bikes. It took time - they tried skateboarding, he still winces if dh tries to play wrestle with him... I think your wife needs to be a little more understanding of the video games... if that is something you guys can bond over than its not about the game anymore, its about the bonding and strengthening your relationship, finding common ground.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NORMAL!!

sueu2 - God help you, and will keep you in my prayers. Not sure what fantasy-land you live in, but it must be nice.

Loved your post Proud Arrow. I, too, have difficulty bonding with my 8 yo SS. We both like video games, but his idea of playing is him playing and me watching him play. I know he is 8, I know that he has yet to realize that there are other people on the planet besides himself. I have not been able to bond with him at all, despite being "warm" and supportive, respecting him and listening to him, and trying to engage with his life. I, too, have walked out of the room to avoid him when I am not in the mood to put up with his behavior - and that is okay. Better to leave and avoid an argument, than to stay and fight, and reinforce what the BF says about me.

Anyway - sometimes it just isn't going to happen between a step-parent and a step child - and that is okay.
I try to do the right thing, be a good man and husband, love my wife with all of my heart and soul, and set a good example.

Remember - if they grow up great - you will get none of the credit, and if they don't - then you will get all of the blame.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NORMAL!!

sueu2 - God help you, and will keep you in my prayers. Not sure what fantasy-land you live in, but it must be nice.

Loved your post Proud Arrow. I, too, have difficulty bonding with my 8 yo SS. We both like video games, but his idea of playing is him playing and me watching him play. I know he is 8, I know that he has yet to realize that there are other people on the planet besides himself. I have not been able to bond with him at all, despite being "warm" and supportive, respecting him and listening to him, and trying to engage with his life. I, too, have walked out of the room to avoid him when I am not in the mood to put up with his behavior - and that is okay. Better to leave and avoid an argument, than to stay and fight, and reinforce what the BF says about me.

Anyway - sometimes it just isn't going to happen between a step-parent and a step child - and that is okay.
I try to do the right thing, be a good man and husband, love my wife with all of my heart and soul, and set a good example.

Remember - if they grow up great - you will get none of the credit, and if they don't - then you will get all of the blame.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NORMAL!!

sueu2 - God help you, and will keep you in my prayers. Not sure what fantasy-land you live in, but it must be nice.

Loved your post Proud Arrow. I, too, have difficulty bonding with my 8 yo SS. We both like video games, but his idea of playing is him playing and me watching him play. I know he is 8, I know that he has yet to realize that there are other people on the planet besides himself. I have not been able to bond with him at all, despite being "warm" and supportive, respecting him and listening to him, and trying to engage with his life. I, too, have walked out of the room to avoid him when I am not in the mood to put up with his behavior - and that is okay. Better to leave and avoid an argument, than to stay and fight, and reinforce what the BF says about me.

Anyway - sometimes it just isn't going to happen between a step-parent and a step child - and that is okay.
I try to do the right thing, be a good man and husband, love my wife with all of my heart and soul, and set a good example.

Remember - if they grow up great - you will get none of the credit, and if they don't - then you will get all of the blame.

You are not crazy. Although it is ideal for you to treat everyone equal - I'm not sure it's fair to expect that of a step parent, you can't force feelings of children being equal! Do your best to remember you are the adult and to set a good example but stop beating yourself up about it!

Your wife really won't understand how you are feeling because she is a bio-mom throughout, not a stepparent at all.

Your feelings are normal. Seeing a family counselor could maybe help? I think you need more time with the kid. Give your relationship with him a chance:)

Stepdads bonding with stepson is probly as difficult as stepmom bonding with stepdaughters...
Electra complex...
Oedipus complex..

You have every right to have these feelings! I am currently battling irritating step children and I only have to see them once per week. I get angry when I know they are coming over. They are not my kids just like this one is not yours. You don't have to love him. He as a child should respect you and treat you kindly. If you can't find something to bond over that is not your fault and your wife should understand that. As a woman I also understand her feelings. That is her baby and you are her man, she wants a perfect happy family. Unfortunately, in second marriages this is rarely the case. My suggestion is to approach her with love and reason. Explain SOME of how you feel and just ask her to understand that you have been there, will continue to be, but he is not your son and you have nothing in common. If she is reasonable at all she should understand what you are going through to some extent. The problem my husband has with understanding my feelings is that they are his kids so it is a sore subject. He doesn't understand why I can't feel like he does and your wife may feel the same. That is why I say start with only SOME of the feelings leave out the more harsh ones until you know how she is going to react to hearing these things from you...If that doesn't work then I say do the best you can and vent on here. Read other peoples stories to get advice and most importantly try to remember why you got married in the first place...For your wife. This child should not be able to dictate or control your mood or happiness. I know it is easier said than done believe me. I try to remember that I love my husband. His kids are only going to be around until 18 and then very rarely. You can and will be able to get past this, you just have to make the decision to not let a child control your mood. Best of luck.