It's happened...again
Ok everyone...if you read my post last week asking for "serious help", then you know that my SD13 had texted a friend talking about a "fuc* buddy". Anyhow...DH and I sat her down Friday evening and had (what I thought) was a pretty good conversation. We covered all the points that were really important to us, there was no yelling and it just really went well. The meaning of the text was the most concerning to us, but we also went over the "no cussing" lecture.
Fast forward to last night. Apparently, my adult niece follows SD on Twitter (sorry..I don't tweet, so I don't know how it works). Niece calls her mom (SD's aunt) to let her know that SD is cussing like a sailor on Twitter. Nieces' mom (also SD's favorite aunt) calls DH and says that she (aunt) wants to talk to SD about this (keeping in mind that DH did not tell Aunt about the text message that we found last week). She calls DH back and said that SD was crying and upset, but she gave her a good talking to.
Here is the "question of the day". Every time we have a talk with SD, she automatically starts crying..no attitude or anything...just crying. She also will start going over her list of faults. During our talk Friday-she told us that we didn't have to worry about her having sex because no one will ever love her because she is fat and ugly (her words..not mine!) And so, we end up giving her a big ol' self esteem boost. Once we ran through that, she then started on how mean her mom is (BM is mean and crazy...no doubt). Then, last night...when Aunt called her to correct the cussing, she started crying again. My question is...how do you (as a parent) get around the crying/I'm fat and ugly/my mom is mean issue when you feel it's being used to deter the focus off of her...
I've had a talk with SD before when I found out she was telling her friends at school that I abused her...she automatically starts the crying jag. I called her on it and told her to stop crying because we are having this conversation. She immediately dried up and started with the "I Hate You" glare. It's just that sometimes, I get side swiped with the crying and I revert to being a mommy. Fix it...soothe the boo boo crap.
I feel like we are being puppets in SD's little play, but how do I know when it's real and when it's not?~?~?
This is the teens most
This is the teens most effective strategy---to get you off focus, and it sounds like she succeeded. Teens are GREAT manipulators, and if they are in trouble and see what they can use to get you off the focus of the problem, they will continue to use it. Don't get off topic. Tell her you can talk about those other things later, that THIS is the topic at hand, and are to discuss nothing else.
I knew it was a manipulation
I knew it was a manipulation tactic, and I can generally see it for what it is...but sometimes, I get sucked in. This should tell you just how effective an actor this kid is...because I'm a hard ass! I don't buy it from my own kid...so why am I so stupid with SD?!?!?
Another edge to the problem...DH isn't one to really address issues to begin with. He might give it a "Hey SD...don't do that", but that's about it. (although, he really is trying to get more on top of things...I think he sees things getting out of hand and is trying to get a handle) Still, if she pulls tears...he crumbles. How do I stay on topic, dry up the theatrics and give DH a spinal boost all at the same time?
The crying is nothing more
The crying is nothing more than manipulation IMHO.
Try this in response to her "we didn't have to worry about her having sex because no one will ever love her because she is fat and ugly" self pity crap....
"I am sorry you feel that way about yourself. Your dad and I certainly don't feel that way about you. If you really feel that way about youself stop your crying and do something about it. Now listen up. I am tired of having the same conversations with you about the same issues only to have you attempt to get out of trouble by crying. The mext time we have to speak with you again about your language (insert issue here) there will be far more than an lecture for you to deal with and crying will get you even more sever consequences. If we have to have this conversation again you will spend every spare moment of every day for the next week at the dining table writing over and over again "I will not use profanity when I am communicating with any one at any time for any reason". You will write that sentence 120X per hour for the entire week of free time. If you miss a single sentence in any hour of your punishment you will get another week, and so on, and so on, etc .... If one sentence is not written neatly, you will serve another week. If you choose to do the punishement by using inappropriate language then cry when you get caught you will get two weeks of senteces. DO YOU GET MY MESSAGE?????"
Then follow through if she violates the mandate you just gave her.
I am not talking a few sentences or even a few hundred sentences. I am talking thousands of sentences. She will have no choice but to absorb the message because she will write it several thousand times. The big benefit is that she will have the most beautiful hand writing.
My kid (SS) wrote tens of thousands of sentences between age 7 and ~14 and has incredible hand writing even now. He hated sentences so much that he would ask his mom and I for a spanking rather than sentences. }:) You know you have found an effective punishment when a kid would rather get his butt swatted than do the punishment.
Best regards,
I think StepAside hit the
I think StepAside hit the nail on the head--
**trying desperately to figure out a way to get DH into a room with her and her fiance, so they can talk to him about paying for her wedding when I'm not around.**
I am not above "tough love" and downright warfare when it comes to raising kids...just ask my daughter. (hee hee). The problem is DH. I love the man and I knew he was a "weak link" when it comes to the skids, but IMHO, he is scared of trying to parent. I know the answer is to just be a parent and let the kids move to moms...if that's how it's going to happen. But, he just isn't ok with that.
DH is more likely to buckle down on the skids when I am there (mainly because I am calling them out on their behavior), but when I am not there (we don't live in the same house, even though we are married)...it's like the behavior doesn't exist. The skids could be killing each other upstairs and he doesn't hear it. I can tell him this is what we need to do with SD, and if I am not there to enforce it...it's like it never happened. (ex: SD lost her cell phone last school year due to bad grades. I suggested at least 3 weeks-until progress reports come out to ensure that her grades are coming up. After less than two weeks...she talked him into giving it back to her...even though we had just received emails from her teachers letting us know that her grades were still failing). Even though we discussed and decided the punishment, he didn't tell me he was changing it or giving the phone back...it just happened.
How can I make the punishment stick when DH won't make it stick and the skids will tell me to my face that they don't have to do anything I say?!? (of course...never when DH is around)
You know the answer as you
You know the answer as you just did it and it worked.
Either ignore the crying, my favorite, or tell her to knock it off you're not impressed. She obviously turns it on and off at will.
As for the swearing I'd ignore it also (unless in your presence) after explaining to her that its probably the reason "nobody" will ever love her. Who wants a sh.. filled mouth on a girlfriend? Tell her that.
I had a (now) 40+ yo step daughter who after college swore like a sailor I think because she thought it was the in thing to do. I'm sure its cost her jobs. She's finally quit as near as I can tell. Sometimes you just have to let them fall in a hole.
We have tried telling her
We have tried telling her that "young ladies" do not use that type of language. BM has a mouth that would make a sailor blush...seriously. I have been cussed by this woman with SD and my BD standing nearby. Every other word was f**k, she called me a cu*t, said DH was "pu**y whipped" (DH was not home), and more. Do I even need to guess where it comes from? BM also has calls the skids fu**ing losers. Nice...huh!!! I strive not to use cuss words in front of my kids (my daughter used to get on to me when I would say "dang", so cussing was really bad to her!) I'm not so naive about thinking the kids will never use foul language, but a teen saying "Damn" or "Shit" occasionally is way different than one that uses the "f" word in every day conversations...am I right thinking that?
I've tried some one on one in
I've tried some one on one in years gone by. Unfortunately, because of SD's accusations of abuse and mistreatment by me, I refuse to be alone with her. And to be honest, she's such a moody, intolarable thing that I find it difficult to find anything positive to reinforce on a day to day basis. Everyone in her life is in to that "blind praise". Oh...you went to school today...GREAT JOB! Nope...not me. You make a good grade on your report card in something other than PE and I will get excited for you. When she started pulling in passing grades in Math during a very difficult year, I praised her. But, there isn't much to praise her for...really. I will take ideas on where to look for positive reinforcment, but seriously. The girl has a snotty attitude and you can hear it in her voice. She is a slob, who won't even clean up her used sanitary pads off the bathroom floor. She has a horrible potty mouth. She is (what I consider) hyper-aware of her budding sexuality and takes every opportunity to flaunt it. She is a pig at the dinner table which is why I rarely eat dinner with her. She complains about her weight issue and then goes to the kitchen and eats a sandwich, chips, a banana, a yogurt, and then some more chips....this is what she calls a snack. (she had all this Friday evening--shortly before we went out to dinner...then she proceeded to eat her plate of food, some of her brothers food and some of DH's food!) She is really a miserable little girl and I just don't see a whole lot to be positive about....