Age appropriate chores/responsibilities
I live w/my BF and we have his 12 yr daughter and 9 year old son every other week, split 50/50 custody. My BF doesn't make these kids do anything, although every week he says he's going to. My question is, am I expecting too much? I have an 18-year old son of my own and I have always expected him to have chores... Clean his room, load his dishes in the dishwasher, clean his own bathroom, pick up his stuff, remember what he needs to get done for school and what items he should take with him each day. These kids' BM does everything for them, she doesn't work so she has the time, although she's doing them no favors by waiting on them hand and foot. At their BM's house, they don't get told no because "they get mad at me". I have printed out age appropriate chore lists for my BM and every week he says he's going to give them chores, he never does. Of course, he also doesn't care how our home looks. I think he would clean the toilet once a year if I didn't live there.
Also, is it not appropriate for a 12-year old to be able to use an alarm clock to get herself up in the morning? I'm sick to death of having to go to her room 3 times every morning to wake her up. As far as I'm concerned, it's time for her to take on some responsibility. My son has gotten himself up since he was about 8 and not because I forced him to, but because he liked to be in charge of when and how he got up. Plus, she never has details for any of her sports. She plays sports and never knows when practice is or games, or even details for social things at school. She waits until her mom gets her all the info. Anytime we go to their BM, she is a complete bitch. She holds information from us and only gives her email out to coaches and teachers when she registers them for things and then tells my BM he needs to be more involved. My opinion is that if the 12 year old wants to go to these things, we should not have to go to great lengths to get details that she has been given but chosen to ignore. I think if she doesn't have details she shouldn't get to go and that is how she will learn.
Please tell me if I'm just being an unreasonable bitch here.... Thanks.
No, they are not too young
No, they are not too young for chores. Children of any age can pick up rooms. At 9, my DDs did own laundry, set table, washed dishes, fed pets, helped clean. At 12, clean the bathrooms, sweep, vacuum. As teens, mow lawn, help shovel snow, bring wood in for fireplace. They both got themselves out of bed and made breakfast (cereal). At 12, she should be able to give you sports schedules, etc.
My DH refuses to allow SS16
My DH refuses to allow SS16 to do any work. As he tells me he is NOT SLAVE LABOR. Yeah, but he is a lazy little b*stard. His room stinks and reminds me of a hamster cage. He will bring his dirty dished out to the counter top and drop them....DH tells him he is doing a good job!!! The Lazy thing will not even put them in the dish washer. If I ask him to pick up something on the floor....he will say something like I didn't put it there. He pee's on the wall....he claims he missed the bowl....I have newpaper taped to the wall. He turns his clothes inside out when he take them off, I refuse to turn them right side out when I wash them....so he wears his clothes right out every other time I wash them. Every thime I say something to DH not only does he remind me of salve labor he'll say something like well, he didn't ask for the grass or the dogs. Yeah.....but I didn't ask for his BM to dump him here!
Turn this around and ask DH,
Turn this around and ask DH, so am I slave labor? Somebody needs to pick up after ss, do his laundry, dishes, clean the bathroom after him. Is DH going to do it?
No my ss10 feeds dog, cleans
No my ss10 feeds dog, cleans his room, takes out trash, and helps with dishes. My sd7 cleans bathroom, helps with dishes, cleans room, they both have been doing their own laundry. I do have other issues such as personal hygiene. They have to be told to use soap, to wipe correctly, to brush teeth and hair. so it is a give and take. Dont do her laundry and make sure that after every meal she at least rinses her dishes.
I don't get some parents! My
I don't get some parents! My skid's BM and my DH didn't ask these skeens to do anything. They are both slobs and this is usually the reason for DH and I to argue. I hate it.
My bio sons do laundry, vacuum, fill/empty dishwasher, sweep/mop, clean bathroom, mow the lawn and feed the animals. And they are teenage boys! I taught them since the time they were toddlers (through play, of course), how to put toys in the bin, bring mommy your cup, scoot shoes to their rooms, etc.
I'm definitely not a clean freak, but I find it important to keep your living space clean. I also find it important to teach children how to be "team players" in the family == whether mom works or not!!
You may seem like you're being a bitch to them; but you're not unreasonable.
Me? Being nice to my skids gets me no where so I have vowed to be the bitch. The hell with it!!!
I love all the comments I
I love all the comments I have gotten, starting to feel like maybe I'm not just a bitch. One main problem is that the kids complain to their mother that they don't want to come to our house and they don't have any available reason behind it. We know it's because at their BM's house they can stay up late, do whatever they want and have no chores. On the weekends at their BM's house they don't have meals, they just eat whatever crap they want all weekend and do whatever they choose. At our house, we have rules about what we eat and where our things go. To me it's very frustrating when I work to keep the house clean one week and the next week the kids come over and do nothing. Also, when I'm standing in the kitchen making dinner and one of them attempts to get into the cabinet to get out chips, I just want to scream.
I know I'm just venting, but I'm so frustrated. I've told my BF to let them stay with their BM and when we do fun things without them, we need to make sure they know they missed it because they chose to stay with their BM. They are notorious for wanting to be wherever the most fun is. SD12 will actually call her dad and ask if we are doing anything fun and if not she says she wants to stay at her mom's. I'm just sick of the laziness and manipulation that's going on. To me these kids seem to think the world revolves around them and whatever they want...not in my world.
Finey, I love the 2-day rule!!
We expect Kiddo (ss5) to keep
We expect Kiddo (ss5) to keep his room and play room clean - he picks up after himself, puts his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, puts his shoes in their cubbies, etc. He puts his dishes in the sink and trash in the trash can. He brushes his own teeth every night before bed, puts his PJs on by himself and picks out his stories and tells us that he is ready for bedtime routine. He likes to help me take the dogs on their walks, and he is learning how to make his bed with help from one of us.
Kids are absolutely capable
Kids are absolutely capable of helping. I babysat for friends once a couple years ago, they had 5 girls, the eldest was 8 at the time. I served dinner, afterwards i got up to check on one of the babies, thinking what a mess I had to clean up! Came back, the 8 and 6 yo were clearing the table, the 4yo sweeping the floor (properly) and the 2 yr old came back in to carry dishes to kitchen. Very well behaved, helpful children.
On the other hand, MY mother waited til I was 16 then suddenly decided I had to start doing housework. I hate it to this day, and it caused the majority of conflict during my later teen years.
Push for chores. Better for you, much better for them.
Perhaps a little "you don't help, you don't eat/go out/enjoy privileges" is in order.
We are teaching SS10 and SD5 to help, also basic manners like thanking hostess (my mom) for dinner. They lived on sandwiches and cereal and playtime. Do not quite get the concept of family dinners or family time because they never had it with BM.
Hi Klynn - our situations are
Hi Klynn - our situations are eerily similar and it's very scary - though I must admit, when I read your post, it was once again such a relief to know I'm not alone.
My BF & I share true 50/50 joint legal & physical custody of skids - FSD16 & FSS13 (when I met my BF they were 9 & 6)- with BM/his exW. You are not being a bitch at ALL to expect skids to pitch in & help out around the house. Assigning chores to children is a HEALTHY way to raise them and to help them learn how to live with others & what will be expected of them when they become adults.
My BF has told me several times now "I'll take care of it." when I tell him that skids need to have chores lists. FSD16 does NOTHING WHATSOEVER around the house - doesn't even make her own bed in the morning before school (or at all) and her bedroom is literally a pigsty. FSS13 is a slob, but will at least pick up after himself after he is told to (but does not do so unless told). FSD16 also never studies, fails classes in 9th & 10th grade and I'm sure will fail more this year in 11th grade.
I don't get it - we have the skids 50/50, so it's not like the other Guilty Daddies out there who are "afraid" to give their kids chores/cleaning to do out of "fear" that the skids won't want to come "visit" - it's not like they're only here EOWE where Daddy has to make those 4 days/month all about fun, fun and more fun. Our skids LIVE with us 4 days/wk 1 week and 3 days/wk the next week!! They are RESIDENTS in our home - NOT VISITORS!!! I don't understand why my BF STILL has the need to "protect" them from having any responsibilities around the house.
Oh, and I had to laugh when you talked about SD12 not getting herself up the in morning! Yes, I remember my FSD16 was like that when she was younger. I disengaged from all of that - I let my BF be the idiot that would set his alarm at 6:00am, even on a morning that he didn't HAVE to wake up that early for work, just to have to go wake FSD up for school. God, that used to drive me NUTS!!! I remember casually suggesting to him one year when we were Christmas shopping "hey, BF, why don't we get skids their own alarm clocks for Christmas this year" and I even made it sound like it was such a COOL, GREAT IDEA like "oh look, they have an iPod docking station/alarm clock for FSS13's iPod - that can go in his bedroom and he'll LOVE it!!
My FSD16, for about 3 years, was CONSTANTLY missing the school bus and my BF would always drive her to school - and SD never, ever got punished or grounded for it. Sadly, my BF never seemed to mind at all when she missed the bus and happily drove her to school on those mornings!! AAHHHH!! He just doesn't GET it at all - he is teaching her that she doesn't have to be ON TIME and ACCOUNTABLE for ANYTHING. If FSD16 misses the bus, she just says "Daddy, can you drive me to school? I'm not gonna make the bus."...and he DOES, like a little puppy dog following its owner around. Surprisingly, all these years later, FSD16 now makes sure she sets her own alarm and gets HERSELF up and ready for school!! She makes the bus the MAJORITY of the time (so far this year, we haven't had to drive her to school...YET). SHOCKER!!!