AVR 1962 - I'm sorry but I disagree with you and your husband (the boy's father, child's grandfather) not attending the child's first birthday because BM was there... who, let's remember, is the boy's MOTHER and the child's grandmother.

I don't know how you or your husband declined the invitation, but your SS's comment about respect being earned and not given is spot-on. Mind you, this is something that SD over here said about HER OWN MOTHER!!

It sounds like your SS just wants to have a birthday party for his daughter, and of course he made it so that everyone could attend. BM and both of you. It sounds like he invited you as well. For you and DH to not go because of BM sounds like a power play and sounds a little immature, to be honest.

You could have went and avoided BM. You could have went for a short time just to see the child. You could have went and realized this party isn't about you, nor about DH, nor about BM. It's about a new BABY in the family and their first milestone. Instead it turned his child's 1st birthday into yet another power struggle between parents about their rights and feelings, not his, and certainly not his child's. (Ok at 1, the kid doesn't know... but they are going to keep having birthdays and if you guys keep this attitude up, you will miss them all.)

I'm sorry, but I personally think that no matter what - no matter what kind of bad blood... you and DH made the wrong choice here. And if others disagree - turn the situation around. DH and AVR go to the party and BM declines because AVR is there. Everyone else would agree - BM would be wrong because it's not about her, it's about the grandchild.

I hope you guys have time to "fix" this, because, if it was me... and eventually it could be... When SD who lives with DH and I has a child, and on that child's first birthday BM doesn't come because DH and I are there... well, I'd look at her with sorrow... because BM wouldn't get it. She would still be living on bitterness from their past, and DH and my happiness.

I agree with Stick...

I remember your original post in regards to Granddaughter b-day party dilemma. You stated that when DIL emailed you in regards to GD's b-day this is what you responded: "H*** NO! long history, will not go there!"

I totally understand if there is bad blood between you and BM (I hate our BM with a friggin passion) BUT it seems that there were a couple of different ways this could have been handled so as to not cause bad feelings between you, DIL and SS

You could have responded that you would not be able to make it to the b-day party because you had other obligations or you could have responded that you would be attending but that you wouldn't be able to stay long due to other obligations (thus giving yourself an "escape plan" should BM make the gathering that horrible)

I stand by my advice to your original post in that I really think you should have gone to the party (after all, what are we talking about an hour maybe) you could have steered clear of BM and played nice.

The unfortunate thing is that I think due to your e-mail response and your failure to show at party, BM came out smelling like a rose and you and hubby are now the "bad guys". After reading the excerpt from your SS e-mail to you, I think there is alot more background information that we don't have here as far as the realtionship that you and your hubby had with your SS for the past 27 years.

I totally understand that you would want to disengage from SS at this point, but what is very sad in this whole story is that you are missing out on a relationship with your granddaughter and DIL who are just innocent bystanders in this mess.

*oops duplicate post*

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What bothers me is that in the son's email reply he seems to be responding to something the SM said to him about respect.

I think we'd have to see the email the SM sent to the son to get an accurate picture of what's going on here.

I'm thinking of this from the perspective of a parent. I want to have a birthday party for my child. I don't want to worry about which grandparent to invite. They can behave like rational adults and attend or they can choose not to. It's THEIR choice. I sure wouldn't beg them to act like grownups - certainly not when they are old enough to be grandparents and this is a grandchild's birthday party we are talking about.

I may be wrong here but it LOOKS like the OP tried to drag the son into a bunch of drama between the BM and SM. Son said 'sorry, not interested, I have better things to do'. I think if I were the son I'd have done the same.

I wouldnt be caught dead spending my day around bm. First of all, that would violate my personal boundaries, it would violate dh's personal boundaries. The reason we have these boundaries is bm's behavior. Evidently in this case there is some bad blood between op and bm and we wouldnt even be hearing about it-everyone would have went and had a lovely time. Often, these bm's (the kind we deal with) like drama and so therefore wouldnt mind going to such an event because it would be an opportunity to stir up some. The op and dh are correct to remove themselves from a situation that is not healthy for either of them. People are allowed to look after their own needs-should even be encouraged to do so. But the op and her dh aside, if their is conflict between the parties then think how potentially wrong that day could go for ss and his family. How could that be a good situation for anyone?

I agree completely that they are not obligated to attend. It is THEIR choice not to attend.

I got the feeling that the OP (who is stepmom) took the son to task for even inviting his mother in the first place. I may be wrong but given the little of the emails we've seen it looks like SM was trying to make SS feel that he was wrong for inviting his mother - perhaps telling him that it was showing disrespect for SM? IF that is the case, SM is way out of line.

SS has a right to invite who he likes. If SM and BD choose not to attend then that is THEIR choice. They have no right to expect the SS to choose between his parents which set he is going to invite to his child's birthday party. He apparently chose to invite them all and if one set was too bitter to attend then that is their choice to live with.

The bottom line is that your problems with the other set of parents are YOUR problems and the kids must get damned tired of constantly having to work around it. I think this guy just wanted to celebrate his child's 1st birthday without being dragged into a bunch of stepparent drama. I think he has that right. I think if it were me I'd invite them both and if one set chooses not to attend then that is their loss. I may even take it as an insult to my child, depending on how they declined the invitation.

In this case, it is clear that the SM did not decline gracefully. It looks like she gave the child an ultimatum, your mother or us and the son refused to play the game. As I said, i don't blame him. I think I'd refuse to be bullied too.

Also disturbing is the OPs admission that she has now blocked both the son and the dil's email addresses. Isn't that WAY OTT? She was saying that she was Ok having discussions with DIL so why block her email?

I get the impression that OP is a bit of a drama queen and maybe she's keeping this shit stirred up. Maybe everyone else is just sick and tired of the drama?

OK, I found the original blog on this. I knew there was a reason I felt the way I did.

It seems that the party was set for a date when the mother was flying in from overseas. The OP feels disrespected because the SS is holding the party when the mother arrives instead of having the party a few days earlier before the mother flies in.

Sorry OP but you are the one in the wrong. Whether or not you like the BM she is flying in from across the globe to see her granddaughter.

You live much closer to the SS and his family. You can see them almost anytime you want. BM can't as she lives on the other side of the world.

You should not go to the party if you cant' be civil but you are DEAD WRONG to tell SS he is disrespectful for letting his mother be there for her granddaughter's party. You way out of line to block emails from SS and DIL.

So you missed the party, by YOUR OWN CHOICE. That doesn't mean you have to cut them all out of your lives. I think you are angry because you wanted him to have the party ON YOUR TERMS to deliberately exclude the other grandmother. It looks like you were trying to control a situation that you have no right to control and when the SS refused to allow you to control it you cut him out of your, and his father's lives. Not only did you cut him out, you cut out his wife AND the one year old baby.

I think you need to get over this and try to have a relationship with them that doesn't require them to always put what YOU want first. If you can't do that then at least please don't stop your husband from having a relationship with his son and grandchild.

The beauty of stupid people is that they like to put stuff in writing. Once they put it in writing and send it to you, they can never claim not to have said it. So, keep all of the vitriolic crap that your Skids send you and be ready to put a copy of it back in their faces when they attempt to claim later that they were perfect little angels and you and your DH were the evil ones.

The key to this strategy is to never respond with anything at all. If you choose to respond the key is to not be vitriolic and to stick with the facts.

eg.

"We are sorry that you feel that way and that you nave little appreciation for the love and support that we provided you while we raised you. You obviosly do not remember that your BM abandoned you and your brother when you were 2&4 years old and that your father and I gladly and proudly raised you. When you are ready to recall reality we will be here for you and your families. Love The Mother that did not abandon you."

Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts. If you stick with the facts there is little anyone can do to manipulate you and they will not be able to dilude themselves.

Good luck and best regards,

I don't blame you for declining, you have every right to not subject yourself to a miserable situation, and SS's e-mail was WAY out of line. !!!!!!! He sounds like the 1 year old!!!! Hugs

SS is going to be in for a rude awakening one day if that is the way he is raising his own child. I'm so sorry.

So SS feels you have to earn his respect yet appears to think you owe him respect.I hope he remembers his own words as what's good for the goose should be good for the gander but from the looks of it don't hold your breath for that one.

Character is higher than intellect. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just to state upfront - I am not a stepmom, but my kids have one.

Being a newb here, I don't know the history, but there is obviously some very bad blood between Mom, Dad and StepMom, with some to/from the SS added in. But, at the end of the day, this isn't about any of them - it's about a small child.

Respect should go in all directions. Each of these three adults had some part in the life of the SS. OP and Dad have their opinions wrt Mom, and those are theirs to hold. SS should not have to honor or deal with them. It's his Mom, regardless. And it's his choice how to deal with her.

Just as it's OP's and Dad's choice how to deal with the situation. But I hope they're aware how it may affect their future relationship with the child.