I believe family counseling is in order. Sounds like you are a prisoner in your own home. Hurry before things get really out of hand. You say you and H are like strangers now. You and H needs to be united with you because he is your other half. You and him. When she has money of her own, she will move out. Then , you will be (alone with this stranger (H) that you once loved .

17 is a terrible age to have to step-parent. They think they're an adult and nobody can tell them what to do, without having the first clue that being an adult doesn't mean doing what you want, it means being considerate and responsible. So they act like a child in the sense of lack of practical contribution and then have an attitude if they're told to do anything. My SKids were well mannered compared to a lot of stories I read on this site but I still had to turn my cheek several times with my eldest SD when she would make a bossy or sarcastic remark. Often I would kick myself afterwards thinking what I should have said!

My DH never intervened and used several excuses, from not having realised that what had been said had offended me, to 'she is an adult you are adult you have to sort this out between you' (he later retracted this outrageous abdication of responsibility, but was still no better at spotting when something would have offended me and stepping in promptly - partly I suspect because parents take cheek from the children as a matter of course and just don't get so offended, it's cushioned by the unconditional love).

It sounds like your SD also hates her mother and that's why she's ended up at your door. She may be in a 'I hate everyone' state of mind which is a nightmare to live with, but is not anything you can solve. But what would make it better would be if your H would at least admit his daughter is being a nightmare, throw himself on your tolerance and make more effort to manage her behaviour himself. BF's are often ridiculously reluctant to acknowledge their children's behaviour is out of line. I think this stems from a misplaced sense of loyalty (no-one likes to hear their children criticised, even by their wife), increased tolerance for bad behaviour because they love them, and fear of admitting that actually they don't know what to do about the behaviour!

You could try pointing out to your H that you had a great relationship before SD moved in, so your recent problems indicate their neither of you is dealing well with the issues that having a teenage D/SD in residence throw up, and you need help working together to deal with it, and propose councelling. In the meantime it is daft to say you can't tell or ask her anything, but I would advise trying to keep it to a minimum and make your husband the intermediary for anything you want her to do. Don't put yourself in the firing line. If he doesn't want to ask her to do anything, then he should pick up the slack.

One last point, on the one occasion when one of my SD's fronted up to me and had a full scale row, and my H (then boyfriend of 2yrs) failed to acknowledge how unacceptable her behaviour had been and address it, I left. I was crazy about him but I knew I couldn't live with that behaviour and he wasn't giving me the respect or loyalty I deserved from a partner. It led to a complete turnaround. His hot tempered daughter wept when she found out I'd left him as a result of her behaviour and he committed to ensuring that that kind of rudeness from his children would never be tolerated again. I don't advocate this as a strategy for turning things around, councelling is much more constructive especially when you are married and committed, but I think sometimes you have to draw a line and stand by it in order for the BF to respect your boundaries. Good luck.