New here and at my wit's end
Hi, everyone!
I'm new here and am desperately seeking others in the same or similar situation to "talk" to before I completely lose my mind.
I'm 37 years old (38 this Friday) and I've been with my husband for 3 1/2 and married for two months. I instantly became a SM to a five year old SD. We have her every other weekend plus my husband drives to the BM's mother's house twice a week for his weekly visitations.
My SD is out of control when she visits us. BF lets her get away with anything and everything. If she doesn't eat her dinner that we paid for at a restaurant, he tells her it's no big deal and then lets her have candy or chocolate Pop-Tarts when we get home. Actually, the same thing happens when we make her dinner at home. She misbehaves constantly and when I try to say something to her, the BF doesn't back me up. He just says I'm overreacting. (I'm not.) When she's at our house, I'm always feeling alienated. The BF always - ALWAYS - chooses her over me and it's so frustrating! For example, I planned a fun trip to the zoo a couple of weekends ago. BF told SD what we were doing that Saturday and she said she wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese instead. Needless to say, he crapped on my plans and took her to Chuck E. Cheese. I often get into my car and take long drives when she's visiting. Being around BF and SD is sometimes too much to handle. BF doesn't feel right discipling SD because he's the part-time parent. He's worried she'll be mad at him during the little bit of time they do have together. She walks all over him and he's at her command at all times. It's hard on me to see my BF act that way because I lose respect for him.
There are issues with the BM too. She's pleasant to me, which I feel grateful for, but I'm pretty sure the BF is still in love with her. They divorced before SD was born. (They were only married for a very short while before she claimed to have fallen out of love with him.) When I first moved in with him, he still had all of their wedding photos all over the walls and even some "cutesy" couple-type photos too. It was a year and a half before he would finally take them down and he only did that because he got tired of me complaining about them all the time. It was awful to come home to MY home and have BF and BM staring back at me. He said he couldn't stand BM anymore, which is why it never made sense for him to keep the photos up. And, by the way, he has no photos up of our recent wedding.
I feel like I'm a side item to BF's life. He really wants his BM, daughter and him to be a family, but since BM doesn't want him, he settled for me. I hate feeling this way and after 3 1/2 years, it hasn't gotten any better. I had big doubts about getting married, but I went through with it anyway. I have extremely low self-esteem and couldn't stand the thought of living alone again.
So, in a nutshell, that's my life. I don't love it and I'm not happy, but I don't know what to do.
If you don't have anything
:O
If you don't have anything constructive to say... please refrain from saying anything at all. If this woman knew the future... then she wouldn't be here asking for advice. She is trying to make her situation better. She is asking for constructive and helpful advice.
From this post this woman said that she has issues with her DH's lack of respect for her DH's lack of respect for her. SHe plans a nice day out at the zoo.. only to have her plans trappled on. Any person would be ticked. As a bioparent with a biodaughter I would be ticked if my DH just told me that he didnt care about my plans.
Seriously? Just ignore her if
Seriously? Just ignore her if she bugs you that much. You're being rude by hijacking every post she replies to today with comments to stir the pot. Enough.
That sounds horrible. I'm so
That sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Have you seriously considered throwing in the towel? I know it's hard to admit to failure, but if you truly believe he's still in love with BM why do you stay? I couldn't live like that.
As to the lack of DH disciplining SD when she's at your home, it sounds like he's guilt-parenting. He needs to get over that, because it only gets worse from here.
Welcome and I hope you find some sort of refuge here!
yeah, i agree with
yeah, i agree with blendedFam, sorry. The issues with the daughter sound secondary to the main problem here which is your security, or lack of, with your husband. But, ok you are in this situation now.. so what are you going to do about it?
My personnal first move would be to talk to your husband, and explain your feelings ....Maybe you guys can devize a plan for when the kidd visits.
And remember: if he hasn't done anything to deserve your jealous feelings of him and his ex, then its not fair to load that guilt on him.
When his kid is around, maybe plan some things for you to do with friends or on your own. I know it sounds weird to not be planning "family time" when the daughter is around, but mayge they just need father-daughter time and you need to have soem personnal time for YOU. This way mayeb you wont' feel so let down and ignored after the kid's visit, if you have done soem stuff for yourself...... just a thought
I agree with Blended also.
I agree with Blended also. You were with this man for 3 1/2 years. Surely you knew how he parented his daughter and obviously you knew that he still had feelings for his x. I think what the sad part of all of this is that you thought by marrying him those pre-existing issues would change. A lot of folks do that and they find out real quick that it doesn't have a happy ending.
I'm so sorry you are going
I'm so sorry you are going through that, it's not easy. I would suggest you weigh out your happiness. How much do you really love this man? How much does he love you back? Do you think you could tell him how you feel and he would listen? Do you want to try to bond with your SD?
Everyone is worth being loved the way they need to be loved!!!!! Don't worry about being alone if you decide maybe this isn't the way this should be. Being alone for a short period is better than always worrying if the person you are putting a lot of love and effort to isn't giving you the same back.
PS (they will always show more affection towards their children than you when they are around, I have learned that I just need to make sure all of them respect me, if you want the relationship to work go with the flow when you are all together as a family, sooner or later he will see your sacrafice)
I used to be terrified of
I used to be terrified of living alone. I didn't think I'd be happy by myself, and I thought that being by myself for a little while kind of meant I'd be alone forever. It isn't true. I staid in a miserable situation for 9 months because I was afraid to be alone. I'm not saying just give up, because you have to decide what's right for you, but I think you should consider being alone and content and eventually happy vs definitely not happy in present situation. Have you tried talking to your H about how you feel? Try not to use "always" and "never" when you do, but do use specific examples. This situation is difficult and I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
It is difficult to feel like
It is difficult to feel like you are always being put aside for a child.
You nave my sympathy. Your husband's "parenting" behavior is not unusual, it's called Disneyland Dad (or Mom). He doesn't want to be the bad guy and feels guilty about the impact of the divorce on kid(doesn't matter who initiated the D).
Having said that, you have a right to be respected as his wife in your home (together).
Plans you make for the family should be respected, if the skid doesn't want to go, too bad!!! Chucky Cheese can wait!
Sit H down, TV OFF and talk to him. Tell him that you recognize how difficult being a part time parent is... (after all, you are "step parenting part time, too)
Tell him that you want to cooperate and be a full partner in this parenting thing (as a married couple.)
Now he will probably be less defensive, so you can gently ask him any questions you have about his commitment to you, or the relationship.
You sound like a good person who cares about her husband and skid ...
which is a great place to start a conversation like this !!
I hope this helps and doesn't sound too simplistic....