Clingy Stepchildren
Hi all, This is my first actual post. I have been lurking on the site for a week or so, and just decided to join. I like the fact that most folks aren't judgemental, so you don't get the old "the kids always come first", "you knew what you were getting into" etc.
My issue is with my fiance's children. He has two - SD12, and SD10. I have two older (in their twenties Bio children). He has them every other weekend and Tuesday evenings. He always complains that he doesn't see them enough. Anyways, these two don't have an independent bone in their bodies. They literally hang over both of us all day. If they play Wii, daddy has to play. If they go outside, Daddy has to go outside with them. Sometimes by Sunday, he and I have barely had two minutes alone (except when we go to bed). Now I realize that this is his time with them, and he doesn't leave me out, but it's hard to go all weekend without any connection time with him. It makes me resentful of the kids and angry with him, because he will never tell them to find something to do even for a short time.
At first, I thought it was because of the separation/divorce, but now I realize they are cling-on children, and I am really starting to dread their visits.
I really do like the girls, and always feel bad that I am resentful towards them. I get so jealous when he does stuff with them too - taking them to the pool, playing basketball with them. Sometimes I feel like he treats them like his girlfriends.
Any advice for me?
Thanks a lot for listening.
Go swimming and play
Go swimming and play basketball with them. Believe me the exercise will help with the pent up anxiety. Make Tuesday nights board game night and a fun supper that can be eaten while playing.
Tire their butts during the day and set realistic bed times. You can have your alone time at night.
My DH have a date night during the week and every other weekend connection time. Our kids were young like your skids.. they do need more interactive time. Enjoy it, in few short years they will live in their bedroom. (Enjoy that too!) }:)
Oh boy.. All I can say is I
Oh boy.. All I can say is I FEEL YOU!! Thats how my skids are too! Actually that was part of my last couple posts.
It makes it VERY HARD!!
You get angry with them , jealous, etc.
You know you shouldnt, but its not easy to go from one way of living, with a loving attentive partner, and then all of a sudden EOWE, you have to basically be ignored. Its a huge change even in a two week period.
Im sorry hun, I have no answers for you as I struggle with it myself. Just know you are NOT alone and your feelings are valid and justified. You are not insane!
I would give the skids 1 on 1
I would give the skids 1 on 1 time with their dad
You go do something fun for yourself - whatever makes you happy. I had that problem when SD was young and I was new in the relationship and it worked for me. SD became less jeslous and anxious and DH appreciated that I gave them this time. I also worked on my relationship with SD and did 1 0n 1 things with her too. She started to see me less as a threat and more as another parent. Have family day/nights where you go for a hike or see a movie or play board games.
And I agree with Persephone - don't forget date nights!
Good for your push back. My
Good for your push back. My kids live with us full-time and are part of the team... When the skids came home they acted like guests.
My kids had to split dishes and garbage when the skids were not here. Then when the skids came my kids had to split the work with the skids. With a big IF, that the SKIDS actually followed with their responsibilities. Often they would not, and leave for the weekend with no consequences the following week when they came home.
My push back: when the skids are here they do the chores for the week. When mine are here alone they do it. Oh the complaining was endless. Thursday night became chore night--not our weekends.
I don't think his kids are
I don't think his kids are jealous of me. They hang over both of us. It doesn't really matter who gives them attention, as long as they get it constantly. Yesterday, we were all sitting around the table just finishing breakfast. Their dad and I were having a short conversation. All of a sudden SD12 starts going "OW, OW my tooth" really loudly. Thanks goodness her dad figured out what was going on and told her she didn't always need to be the center of attention.
Later that day, we went to a local flea market. I asked the girls to walk ahead of us, so we could see them and know when they were stopping to look at something. We walked behind holding hands. All of a sudden SD12 got really upset because she wants to hold Daddy's hand and he was holding mine (he was holding packages with the other hand). I said something like OMG, then dropped Daddy's hand. He grabbed my hand back, and said to her, here, hold one of these packages and I will hold your hand. She declined, so I guess she really just didn't want him holding my hand. I called her on it later. I asked her if she was feeling scared at the flea market, because that's why parents usually hold their child's hand - to protect them. She said no, I just wanted to hold Daddy's hand.
So a question for the rest of you ladies. Do most parents hold their 12 year olds hand when they walk?
Not really. Usually, 12 years
Not really. Usually, 12 years olds are starting to feel embarrassment with being kissed or hand holding in public.
Kudos to your husband!! After 8.75 years, mine still is very uncomfortable with kissing me in front of his kids... not mine, his.