What is the BM tells the kids to lie?
What do you do when the BM tells the kids to outright lie to us? It ranges from stuff like "Don't tell your dad that we are going on vacation" to "don't tell your dad you have a loose tooth-I want to keep it and he won't let me have your tooth if you lose it at his house." Explain that to a 6 year old who doesn't understand why 1) dad won't let mom have her tooth (which we have no problem doing and 2) how mom would get it anyway when the "toothfairy" is supposed to take it?
We finally sat all three kids down and explained that telling the truth is something we all need to do. It keeps us safe. As far as the toothfairy and us "stealing" her tooth we said if she lost it here that was perfectly ok and that we would write the toothfairy a note and we were sure she would let her keep it and take it home to her mom.
Sorry-I meant "What IF the BM
Sorry-I meant "What IF the BM tells the kids to lie?" I was so caught up thinking about the question I typed the title incorrectly.
That insecurity and
That insecurity and controlling behavior isn't going to change is it? I mean isn't there something we can do to reassure her that we have the kids best interests at heart and we aren't going to do anything to harm them or cause them choose us over her. I think that is what is comes down too.
I sent her (BM) a letter with copies of the two child support payments we had to make online when my husband switched jobs. She went nuts. We didn't know how long it would take to get it to her since it was different then just the normal autodraft from his check. She wasn't upset that we paid it online; she wanted to know why we would mail her receipts and were we just trying to gather evidence to take her to court to get full custody of the kids? We were like "what the hell?" I was just trying to make sure she knew we had paid her and had proof of it in case it didn't come through immediately.
I know that BM tells or at
I know that BM tells or at least has told the kids to lie to us.
All I did was tell oldest SD, that I don't want to know her mom's secrets but her daddy and I would never do that to her. She can tell her mom anything about us as long as it's the truth. Lying is wrong and it's wrong to burden a child with keeping a grownup's secrets and that if anything really truly bad happens or something that she thinks might be wrong at her mom's house then she needs to tell a trusted adult - teacher, grandma whoever whether her mom told her to keep it a secret from us or not.
But hopefully you don't have the same worries we do with a BM who's a recovering meth addict. At one point she told the kids to lie because they weren't safe being with her.
So it could be insecurity or total incompetence.
They have talked about it and
They have talked about it and she said what she tells the kids is none of his business. However, every aspect of our lives is apparently her business when the kids are here. I keep documentation on everything. I would rather have all this saved for the future and never need it than wish I had kept tabs of it all later.
If she is telling them to lie
If she is telling them to lie to you now at this age, you are in for a whole lot of drama. The lies got really big for us. You would have to read my blogs, too long. Needless to say your DH needs to address it with her now. Mine did when we figured it out. She lied to his face and now we in a court mess with her and SD14. She actually told her 13year old daughter that it was great she had a boyfriend. Just don't tell Dad. When her SD15 was expelled for drinking and passed out in HS, she told the kids not to tell Dad. It just gets better. The lies were harmless before, now they are hard to deal with. Good luck.
Wow-thank you and I am going
Wow-thank you and I am going to check out your blogs. I want to head off as much drama as possible now while they are still very young. I am so glad I joined this website. I was about to go crazy having no one who understood all of my step concerns.
Read the one with the letter
Read the one with the letter to our BM. You can get a better understanding of how the lying escalates. It will get more problematic as the kids get older and the problems become bigger. ie sex, boys, partying, driving, drinking, tatoos and piercings. We are trying to control what we can since we can't trust BM to tell us things. We have things being entered into the CO modification. It probably won't work, but it should give DH a little peace of mind since we are no longer raising SD14.
My SS10 was told that he dad
My SS10 was told that he dad was dating me when his mom left. I meet my other half 3 weeks after she took the kids. When she was forced to bring them down for a visit I was here. After that my other half tried to keep his family for 3 weeks and it did not work because she was seeing other guys. Any how she does this all the time, don't tell dad i am getting married, don't tell your dad that i am pregnant, We told them that it is not a big deal and we don't care if they tell us. We are not going to tell her. She just needs to grow up and consider that she is teaching the kids that lying is okay if she says so. You just have to just ignore it and always explain that telling the truth is okay and keeping secrets are okay as long as no one hurt the skid.
Oh geez. I pray that your
Oh geez. I pray that your situation gets better and mine doesn't get to that point. Wow.
Because BM thinks she has
Because BM thinks she has power and she wants to hurt her ex and his new life. When the kids get older, I will explain to them all was wrong that she did. Then they will understand. As for now, I have no control over BM and her mouth. I can only control what I say and do. She will loose in the end. }:)
I really like that
I really like that perspective. Thank you so much. I've been keeping my mouth closed and just staying my sickeningly nice self to the BM (even though she hates me). I don't understand the power struggle she is having and I guess I never will. One day the kids will understand and all her negativity and lying will backfire on her.
Unfortunately, we cannot
Unfortunately, we cannot control the BM who lies---ours is a compulsive liar. I think you handled it just fine. And, I would encourage you to continue to just be a good example by being honest. Eventually, it can, and most likely will, bite the BM in the butt, as it did ours. SD's still will lie, but not generally to us when asked straight out a questions. They do lie quite a bit to BM because that is what she does. SD's (20 & 17) went through all kinds of issues w/this---even BM's grandparents wanted them to lie, and BM wanted them to lie to grandparents as well so she could still get money from that---SD's got sick of it, and couldn't keep stories straight anyway, so that ended.
What they learned---it's okay to lie to BM and her parents, but not to us. Eventually, we pray, they will be honest with all, but there comes a time when all you can do is just realize you did the BEST you could do to be an example, and it is now up to them. You would think they could see that we our more successful, well-respected in communnity and at our jobs, them BM and SD are and that would be enough---some part of them understand, but still some part like the instant gratifications that come from lying