What would you do?

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I am at a lost.

My step son is 17 and hates me. I didnt know how much till last night.
I found out he sends txts to my husband asking if am still being a jerk and he referees me as the fat bitch or the pissy chick ....

I have raised him and his sisters for the last 10 years. Their mother was never a big part of the picture and only shows up every once in a while when she has money to buy him stuff we told him he cant get.

I have a few basic rules, do you're chores (Which he never does and these chores are so simple, 1 is clean the kitty litter box every other day ( do it on the days he isnt suppose too but I do it all the time now), and take the dog out at night) those are it. Oh and mow the lawn every couple weeks.
Another rule is ASK us to go somewhere and tell us with who, when will you be back, what will you be doing.
He doesnt do those either.

Last night he went to the movies at 10pm, even though his curfew is 9pm. He slept at his friends house because my husband was just to exhausted to deal with it. He went to pick him up this morning and I was hoping he would confront him his txt messages calling me awful stuff and not being home, you know what he did? nothing!!!

Not a damn thing!
What kind of man lets his wife be called names and ignored? My husband works alot so my step son never talks to me, not to tell me he is leaving, or ask, he doesnt bother to come home ... he just acts like I dont exist except to insult me because I feel he should have rules

I am truly hurt and crush not only that my husband did not say anything but that my step son is treating me this way when I did not do anything to deserve it.
Lately yes I been ignoring him as well because what else should I do? Be nice to someone who thinks little of me?

Am I wrong for feeling that my husband should do more? He doesnt get why am upset at him now! Hello? Cause he is calling me awful things I would never call another person!

I just want to leave at this point why should I stay where I am hated? Now my husband said he will talk to him tonight ... why so he can yell how horrible I am and that I am bitch? I dont think I can take hearing that.

Ty Its just hard and I dont

Ty
Its just hard and I dont understand what I did to deserve this And I would expect so much more from my husband. I guess we will tonight if he talks to him but in my book its to little to late. I am hurt by what my step son seems to think of me and really I am 32 and never been treated so horribly in my life since I meet these kids in the last 2 years.

Today has been especially hard because he isnt grounded but my husband told to hang around the house and think about what he has been doing ... so he goes in and out says nothing to me, he walked by me on the street I had picked up my daughter from camp and we were walking to the post office and he didnt even look at me!

If my husband does confront him tonight I dont want to be home I dont want to hear my step son say more awful things about me it so hurtful and I really starting to doubt my self as a parent.

And its at a very hard time in my life because my step daughter who is 19 was asked by my husband to leave our home because of her terrible abusive ways against me. Now she lives with her mother and bullies her around, but still tries to call me and leave me emails on how she wants to beat me up and she hopes I die!!!
She isnt welcome to our home and I am wondering if my step son is doing this cause of her. But he is 17 isnt he a little old to be doing that ..

It is time for your rude POS

It is time for your rude POS SS to experience live living under an over pass and pan handling for a living.

I would for sure immediately let your DH know that not one more penny of family resources will be spent in any way on that asshole child.

Boot his ass and his dad with him if they do not find immediate clarity on this issue.

It is apalling to me that your DH does not jerk a knot in your SS's tail for how he references you in conversation. If my brother or I had treated out mother like that we would have been turned in to garden fertilizer. My wife would beat our son's (my SS) ass if he spoke of me in that manner.

IMHO of course.

I would ask your DH What

I would ask your DH

What makes it okay for SS to call me names? I think that the Bioparents allow their kids to vent to them about their stepparents because of guilt. My DH told me that he had to allow his daughter to vent about me because she needed an advocate. Okay - I get that abuse exists and that some parents and stepparents abuse their kids but DH should know me better than that! And that is what I told him. I think I finally got through to him when I asked him why he would want to be married to a person he thought capable of abusing his child?

I tell you - so much of my anger and resentment was directed at SD when it should've been directed at DH. Once I understood that and disengaged - life got better.

OT- just curious...why is ss

OT- just curious...why is ss curfew at 9? My parents were strict with me but even my curfew was later. SO not the issue I know, but maybe he feels like he's being treated like a child and therefore acts like one. Don't get me wrong, you DO NOT deserve to be treated that way. And yes dh needs to stick up for you more. But just an observation that maybe a 17 boy could actually be rebelling? If his curfew is that early then what other rules do you have? Could some be negotiated so he feels he has a little morefreedom? He is almost a legal adult, you know? Another thing I don't get- you told dh to talk to him. When he says he will you say 'why so he can yell how horrible I am?' What DO you want from dh? To talk to ss or not? Not trying to be rude, I'm really curious. If you could have what you want, what would that be? How doyou think the problem should be fixed?

Paintedwings, First, there is

Paintedwings,

First, there is NO excuse for your DH to allow his son to be so disrespectful of you. He should NOT be allowing it at all.

Second, this bothers me:

Another rule is ASK us to go somewhere and tell us with who, when will you be back, what will you be doing.
He doesnt do those either.

Last night he went to the movies at 10pm, even though his curfew is 9pm.

He's 17 and you are treating him like he's 9. I have a 17 year old. I can't imagine putting a 9pm curfew on her, particularly not in the summer! She doesn't have 'ask' me if she can do something or go somewhere unless it conflicts with something she's committed to do already. I also don't require that she tell me who she is with or what she will be doing. I do request that she tell me approximately when she will be back but that isn't to control her, it's just so I know whether or not to start worrying. She keeps me updated by text and if she doesn't I text her for an update. She DOES usually tell me what she's doing but it is completely up to her how much information she shares with me. I'm not trying to control her life at this stage.

If you are trying to control him this completely then I've gotta say, I don't blame him for disliking you. I'd resent it too. By age 17 they should be taking nearly full responsibility for themselves and if they aren't given opportunities to do that then they will not learn how.

I'd say that you should give him more freedom. IF his chores are done then he shouldn't have to run everything by you or have to answer to you for every little thing he does.

Honestly, who cares if the

Honestly, who cares if the little sh*t hates you? He sounds like a huge PITA and you have been politely trying to care for him all this time! I would ignore him unless he pushes it I just may say something to him myself. He had better respect you or face the consequences and if he doesn't like it, he is welcome to leave. IMO

It is your DH you need to impress with, I don't deserve this. SS is welcome to join SD at her mom's if he can't be polite. To me it is no coincidence she acts the way she does, and now SS is doing it, both are being allowed to by their birth parents.

They are crippling their kids by not showing them, there are people you may not like, you still need to be polite to. Don't say anything negative about my spouse unless you say it to their face, and then the spouse can respond to their face. You have the right to face your accuser!

Is he in school right now? The curfew does seem early but maybe there is a reason for it. Regardless, when I lived with my parents I still had a curfew, even when I was in college - your house, your rules. Good luck hon-!!!!

His curfew is 9pm because I

His curfew is 9pm because I feel he does nothing. If he wont help with chores or even show any sort of responsibility then why should he be allowed to stay out longer? Second thing is we live not in a city but in a very isolated place (We are so country here that 9 Amish families just moved in a few miles from me lol). So most of his friends live in the next village (10 mins away by car), he does no drive so he requires us to take him to his friends, and by 9pm I am tired and so is my husband and we do not feel like going to get him that late.
He also has to go to bed at a certain time because we have smaller children (3 & 7), and they wake up around 6-7am sometimes earlier and my step son is not special so if the kids are loud in the mornings I dont want him to be cranky and miss out on sleep just because he wanted to stay up late. And sleeping till noon is just not an option.

Maybe if we didnt have younger kids things would be different curfew and bedtime wise, but we do. And I am just trying to look out for him as well.
And the bedtime is also the same thing, we go to bed around midnight (Well I do), Step son needs to be in bed by 11pm. And like I said if he helped out I might reconsider those hours but he wont be up half the night watching TV/on the PC, wasting electricity when he cant do simple things to help out around our home.

I figured if he shows some initiative and maybe got even a job in the summer or after school, did his chores or hell even let me have a night off I might reconsider his curfew. But how sad is this I have a 17 year old at HOME and I have to get a babysitter to watch the other kids cause he wont do it.
But as I said before he does no chores. Ignores me, is rude to his siblings, he goes through my stuff whenever it pleases him, in fact I had to put a lock on my closet and on a cabinet downstairs to keep my stuff safe from him and I need to keep my keys on myself ALL the time or he will take them.

Unfortunately my husband did not talk to him. And today I am still being ignored. Last night I did not make his dinner, he didnt really seem to care.

I tried so hard to talk to my husband this morning. I told him its ridiculous this behavior, my husband didnt say anything ... just said "I gotta go back to work". Tomorrow we have a picnic with my mother and I dont want him to go. I cant. Why so he can ignore me in front of my mother as well? So I can ride in the car for 2 hours in silence and awkwardness ...

I just dont know what else to say to my husband.
I will try and talk to him again tonight.

StepAside: You're words were very wise and yes he is probably worried that he might lose his son too, I know my husband said if he cant straighten up he will go to his mother's (But how can he straiten up when he isnt being talked too).

I think he should find

I think he should find another place to live, the sooner the better.

I think you are far too controlling.

It sounds like YOU made these rules, not his father. Of course he will hate you. So would I. So would anyone in that situation i think.

Maybe it's coming across wrong in the written word but honestly, it sounds like you just don't like him and get some kind of pleasure out of keeping him under your thumb.

An 11 PM bedtime for a 17 year old? WTF? 17 year olds shouldn't have bedtimes - not in summer anyway!

so you feel if lets say you

so you feel if lets say you are 17 and you go to bed at 2am and then get woken up at 5:30am by a little boy that wants to just cause he can (because he is 3) its ok? I just want him to get his sleep he might need because as I said sleeping in is not much of an option here.

that you do nothing at all to help out with things around the home but still should be able to do as you please?

Must be a nice world you live in.

and yes its my rules my husband works 14-16 hours a day and often is on the road for a couple weeks out of the month so I clean the house, I cook, I mow the lawn, pay the bills, take care of the kids....

I have very few rules. I just want help with his simple chores he has and be nice to others. Yes he has a curfew and yes he has a bedtime.
But in my book you dont act as an adult you dont get the freedom of one either.

I have 3 children over age 17

I have 3 children over age 17 and can only speak from my own experience.

I think by 17 he should have learnt for himself that if he goes to bed at 2AM he may be woken up at 5:30 AM and he should deal with the consequences of that. I understand you want him to get his sleep but at what point will you let him take responsibility for it? I remember reading long ago that there are really only 2 things that kids (they were talking about small kids here) can really control and those are sleep and what they eat. I don't think you should take control of those things totally away, particularly not at 17.

BTW, why aren't you teaching your 3 year old to be quiet in th mornings because other people are sleeping?

that you do nothing at all to help out with things around the home but still should be able to do as you please?

No, if there are certain jobs he is supposed to do (as you listed in the OP) then those have to be done or he loses privileges. The curfew you impose - 9:00 PM might be a PUNISHMENT I would use - certainly not the normal expectation. As in, if you don't do your chores you will have a 9PM curfew and you'll have to ask before you can go out. Or maybe I'd ground them.

Well then you shouldn't be surprised that he hates you. You are not treating him like a 17 year old, you are treating him like a 9 year old.

Incidentally, you may be able to force your husband to force him to stop calling you names via text but you can't force him to stop disliking you. The only way to do that is to start treating him better.

Why don't you try sitting down with him and telling him that you are going to relax the rules, he's nearly an adult now so he doesn't need a curfew or a bedtime (sorry, I just find a bedtime for a 17 year old to be a ludicrous idea). Write down what jobs he's expected to do each week and make it clear to him that if those jobs aren't done then he will face consequences of loss of his freedom.

Maybe if you start treating him with a little more respect and expect him to be responsible he'll start acting like a respectful, responsible almost-adult.

It's just a thought. He just might surprise you.

I know that when I was 17 if someone told me I had a bedtime I'd call them all kinds of names too.

How do you expect him to get by in the big, bad world if you've never let him learn anything through experience? If he still needs someone to tell him that if he doesn't get enough sleep he'll be tired - how is he going to function outside?

I see my job as parent to prepare my children to be productive adults who will benefit society. A large part of that is giving them more and more freedom and responsibility that comes with that freedom.

I forgot to add we ask that

I forgot to add we ask that he tells us where he is and with who because I feel its what parents should do. He does bmx tricks and stuff and if he is off to a skate park and gets hurt I really would like to know where he is, so if I get a call from the hospital I am not totally clueless on what he is doing.
I guess it doesnt matter who he is with, actually we never really ask but if he is going to the city for example its nice to know who is giving him the ride.
And as for knowing when he will be back its good to know because I make dinner for everyone if he wont be around then I want to know so I dont cook him something and end up throwing it out (no one ever eats leftovers!)

But as stated above I feel if someone wants to be treated as a young adult then they should act it and display it with their actions and not just do as they please and also expect his parents to bend for him.

Now thinking maybe I am to

Now thinking maybe I am to controlling. And not realizing that he wants more freedom.

I assume my rules were to help him out, such with bed times and curfew. Really only to just make sure he is ok and not missing out on some vital things. But maybe am wrong.

So ... am going to tell him he has no more curfew or bedtime. I cant really live like this anymore and since it seems pretty strong that I am wrong in my ways and he shouldnt have those rules then I really must be wrong.

I just figured if he showed more responsibility then I would of taken most of those off. But I guess teens dont need to do things to help out and learn to help out, I always was under the impression a home is a small community sort of and we all try and help out to make it work. But its obviously not working.

But either way thanks all for the insight I guess I really screwed up and didnt intend too.

I do believe that you have

I do believe that you have his best interests in mind and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this kid isn't like mine were.

I think it wouldn't hurt to give it a try though.

I don't think you 'really screwed up'. It's a learning process for all of us.

But I guess teens dont need to do things to help out and learn to help out,

Yes they do need to do these things but it seems you are punishing him first and then laying down the rules later.

I think you an dh should talk

I think you an dh should talk with him. Tell him that you've BOTH been talking and feelthay maybe the rules have been to strict. Say you are willing to come to an agreement- no bedtime and later curfew BUT he has to do chores and be responsible. If he fails to do chores, make grades, etc then those things will be taken away as a punishment (maybe grounded from going out early curfew for a week.) and as long as he shows you guys he's putting in effort to be a part of te family then you guys will give him more independence.

I feel just like you 99% of

I feel just like you 99% of the time. So I adjusted my behavior to them -- a bit more respectful, adding thanks and stuff when they do the right thing. Because I know the only person I can really change/improve is myself. And I'm the expert when it comes to me

You weren't wrong in principle to set a curfew but it really should be from DH & BMs. Stay out of it so you don't take the heat for it.

ps I do think all that

ps I do think all that parenting strategy would work on birth kids.

Well figured I'd

Well figured I'd update.

Things are not any better, I didnt expect change over night but .... something would of been nice.

He still totally ignores me. I wrote him a note since he wont talk to me or listen so I wrote to him told him I was sorry he hated me and I wasnt to sure what I did for him to feel so strongly but that I hoped that since we have a year left together (hopefully he goes to college next year) that we should make the most of it. I said he didnt have a curfew anymore or a bedtime and that those were there initially because I was trying to be helpful and look out for him.
I also said him calling me names behind my back is quite spineless and if he has a problem with me to tell me or keep it to himself and certainly not go and tell his father things like that since he just recently beat up another kid for saying similar things about his girlfriend!

Well he read it that evening, threw the note on the ground and went back out. I didnt see him till 11:30 that night.

Today I was taking the kids to the beach to meet my mother and my husband also came along, we go every year together, step son did not go.

When I got home (My sister in law stayed at my home today because we have a puppy and I couldnt see leaving the puppy all day alone with no potty breaks and my step son will not take care of him or clean up after him)

Turns out his mother picked him to drop him off at a friends house. I was ok when I got home, but I went to put the kids to bed and walked by his room and one of my daughters toys was in there (A coffee pot from a play kitchen), so I went to grab it and put it back, but I saw he burnt a candle in it!!! A candle in a damn plastic container!!! I am sure at 17 people are aware that plastic is flammable?!

I was pretty mad. Fire scares me we had a fire last year from an extension cord at 2am fire alarm in the house went off, we lost the kitchen! So since then I am so careful with anything like that. Plus when my step daughter lived here she almost caused a fire in February from leaving a straighten on.

So I looked at my candles (I make candles for a living along with soap and so on) and a good portion was missing. So he has been snitching them for a while.

Maybe not a big deal but he has been stealing my things for a long time, most of my stuff is locked up, I didnt know I also had to lock my business stuff too

So I dont know I am really upset this isnt turning out to well. He is taking advantage of this and still wont even talk to me.
My husband said he is mad too but I dont know. It wont do any good me saying anything when he gets home he will just ignore me. So I am locking more of my stuff tomorrow I guess

At 17 he can be forcibly

At 17 he can be forcibly emancipated. Boot his ass NOW!

You need to confront him

You need to confront him about the candles, since that is for work. Does he know he's not supposes to get into them? I meN have you told him 'these are odd limits they are for work' and not just assumed he knows. If so, then estimate how much profit you lost by him stealing your candles and have him pay you back. However he comes up with that money is up to him and dh- a job, chores, doing yard work for neighbors, etc.

As far as a change...well I think leaving a note wasn't a great idea. You and dh should have both talked to him in person with dh doing most of the talking. Now ss is prob mad because he feels you either snoop in his father's phone or that his dad snitches on him and he doesn't feel je can trust anyone. Anyway, give it some time and encourage dh to get on board with you. Other than that...ONE more year!!

He knows the candles are for

He knows the candles are for work and not to use them. It was never said "Dont use these" but in the pass he has always asked. Sometimes I said yes but not always since I was sometimes short.

I left the note because he wont even talk to me, I tried to stop him and told him I had something to say to him but he walked out. I tried again and he ran upstairs then back down. Really I dont want to play these games anymore.

Again this morning I tried to talk to him and he ignored me, so my husband told him he really needs to stop and talk to me, he said no. So now I dont know, my husband wants to ground him but I told him no why bother he is to old and it wont change a thing just make him more angry.

At this point I will keep going on with my life as normal as possible with my children and my husband and if my ss wont change I cant force him but he might find himself out if he doesnt stop.

I think that is a fair plan.

I think that is a fair plan. You have tried to talk about it with him and he refuses. Maybe things will improve but if not your DH can see, you have tried.

The next step if one becomes necessary would be to tell SS if he cannot be polite, he needs to find a place to go, like his mom's.

Screw grounding him.He is 17.

Screw grounding him.He is 17. I would change the locks and not let him in my home for any reason without prior arrangement. Anything of his left in your home is forfeit until he can act like a young adult rather than a 2yo.

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