Stepmoms always get the bad seat
This sounds petty...but I think to me it's an indicator of an overall pecking order in a relationship, so it really bothers me.
A year ago, we went out to dinner with a group of friends who had kids as well. I was the only stepmom in the group. Everyone took their seats, leaving only one seat for me, at the end. There was nowhere to put my legs under the table and no space for me to set my food when it arrived. For ten minutes I sat in silence, waiting for one of the genetically-connected parents to tell one of their kids to switch with me. Nope. Finally I said, "I can't eat this way. There's nowhere to put my food" and one of the dads got up and helped me move another table over so we could spread out. It still amazed me NOBODY thought to tell one of the kids to sit at the end. When I was a kid, we always were told to give the grown ups the comfy seats. Is this parenthood now???
This weekend we were trying out our new sofa for the first time with my stepdaughter (we only have her every other weekend). The entire time we were planning furniture, I kept insisting we needed a sofa PLUS a separate chair for when she visits, but he kept insisting this huge sofa was enough. Well, sure enough, the weekend came and she plopped down on one end, while my husband plopped down on the other. I went to the bedroom alone and watched TV. (Not a bad deal, actually, because I get to watch what *I* want!) They kept asking me why I wasn't in there with them -- there was plenty of room in the middle -- but why should I have to sit in the middle? I'm the grown-up.
Then, if sitting alone in the bedroom weren't enough, we went to breakfast and they sat us at a table with no comfy seats and one end seat. Once again, they took the good seats and left me with the end seat. Once they realize this bothered me, they offered to switch (including my stepdaughter, who's really sweet-natured) but it wasn't about that. It was about always being reminded that I'm the outsider.
Am I wrong in being hurt by this? How would you handle it, when it's only an issue every other weekend? Should I just maintain my silence and enjoy getting to watch MY shows, rather than whatever's on the Disney channel?
You're not alone in this...
You're not alone in this... We used to have this issue when going out to eat SD would throw a FIT if she didn't get to sit next to her dad... We tried "taking turns" which still pissed me off, why should I have to take turns with a child to sit next to my husband? This small issue (along with many others) landed us in counseling... The counselor agreed with me... She made a point that *I* am the adult and the wife... SD is the CHILD... I will sit next to my husband when I want to...
Have you gently tried to bring this issue up to your husband? He might be totally clueless.
I did bring this up to DH and
I did bring this up to DH and he finally realized that he should be sitting with his wife. This was an easy battle for me. You should bring it up too since it really does bother you.
we have this same issue, but
we have this same issue, but it often results in BOTH kids wanting to sit with dad...and i get left alone. miserable.
"They kept asking me why I
"They kept asking me why I wasn't in there with them -- there was plenty of room in the middle"
At least they recognized that you weren't there and asked you to come out, lol. In my house, they don't care if Im with them or not.
When I "join" my SS and wife
When I "join" my SS and wife on the sofa I take an end and the kid moves to the middle. PERIOD!
Or .... my wife moves to the middle and puts her head on my shoulder while the kid puts his head in her lap and hangs his long legs and stinky teen boy feet over the opposite arm rest.
Next time the sofa nesting starts just walk up and say "move kid!".... or sit next to your husband and curl up with our head on his shoulder. See what her reaction is to that.
Best regards.
We too have the leather sofa
We too have the leather sofa so that we can de-stankify the sofa from stinky teen boy feet.
"It still amazed me NOBODY
"It still amazed me NOBODY thought to tell one of the kids to sit at the end. When I was a kid, we always were told to give the grown ups the comfy seats. Is this parenthood now???"
:sick: Unfortunately it seems to be with my FDH, my divorced neighbor with 2 kids 5 and 7, and never married friends with kids) but with my married friends (I am counting second and third marriages here) with kids it is not :? So many dynamics to consider. I hope your seating arrangements get sorted out soon, because these situations tend to lead to a whole bunch of unnecessary resentment. Good luck!
I went through this with SS
I went through this with SS in the car. Anytime we went somewhere with SS he wanted to ride in the front seat with his dad. I let it go for awhile figuring, he doesn't get to spend a lot of time with his dad, & it wasn't a big deal for me to sit in the back seat, but when it came to be expected & automatic, it pissed me off. My fault for letting it start, & when I said something to DH about it he helped me fix it. SS wasn't happy about it. He said he wanted to sit up front so he could talk to his dad. DH explained that conversation can go between the front & back seats just fine.
Yeah, for a long time she
Yeah, for a long time she wanted me to ride in the back seat with her. Finally I worked my way back up to the front seat. When we go out to eat, she always wants to sit by me. I'm the new one and "fun." In that sense I'm lucky. And I acknowledge that my husband only has her every other weekend and wants her to be happy and comfortable. I could handle the fact that I have nowhere to sit on the sofa (and double up with him if we were watching a movie or something) but what really hurt was the restaurant thing. Here's the funny part...he's always getting onto me for sacrificing myself for everyone else's happiness -- taking the burned piece of bread, etc -- and I probably would voluntarily sacrifice and sit in the bad seat so she'd be comfortable. What hurts is that people now just assume I'll sit there.
I'm glad I found you guys. I've felt alone...like nobody understands what I'm going through because I'm not a mom, just a stepmom. I think that makes it hurt even more...knowing I'll never be a mom but I have to play this role and I'll never have what her parents have with her.
yeah, this is how it was for
yeah, this is how it was for me for about a year. then, suddenly...i became the evil stepmom, and suddenly no one wanted to sit near me. dh doesn't seem to see how that hurts.
That's probably in my future!
That's probably in my future! I've read a lot...and it seems we're basically screwed either way. I haven't taken the strict parenting role because he doesn't...and I feel, honestly, that she's under strict guidelines most of the time so we can't screw her up too badly on the few days a month when she's with us. But I'm slowly starting to stand up for myself, which will be the beginning of the end of that wanting to sit by me stage!!! I don't mind sitting back but when it's to the point that it's affecting me, that's when I have to speak up.
i don't know that i have
i don't know that i have really "taken the strict parenting role" either, but i do take pride and ownership in my things and demand the same from anyone who is in my home, car, whatever ~~ skids included ~ dh (he doesn't usually, but lately he's been bad bad bad) & the rest of the f'n world (outside of ST) may think skids deserve a free ride b/c they are a product of divorce, but that excuse don't fly with me, being a product of divorced parents myself!
Am I wrong in feeling like I
Am I wrong in feeling like I don't really have the right to order other people's kids around? I know I'm the stepmom but if I'd walked up and said, "To the end," I think he might have gotten upset??? I assert myself sometimes and it works, but once when he was getting her food at 11 pm at night at a drive-thru and she ordered a Dr. Pepper, I spoke up and said I didn't think caffeine was a good idea at such a late hour. Everyone ignored me and I ended up getting upset and shutting up from then on. I am new to this stepmom thing so still trying to figure out my role. It would be easier if he were less involved, like my dad was when I was young and visiting. My stepmom did EVERYTHING because he didn't really care. He was always off at work. My husband is a very involved father, but he spoils her rotten and I feel like any changes I make have to be through him...if that makes sense?
know I'm the stepmom but if
know I'm the stepmom but if I'd walked up and said, "To the end," I think he might have gotten upset???
So he gets upset. Getting upset is a fact of life. Not getting what you want is also a fact of life. He'll get over it.
I go through the same thing
I go through the same thing with my SS. Everytime we go to watch TV he wants to be right by his dad. If I try to cuddle or hold my DH's hand he starts talking baby talk (mind u he is 9 already!) and pulls DH towards him. Its so annoying. I usually just get up and go to the room. Once again I too get too watch what I want vs dumb cartoons. My DH won't even bother to ask why I won't sit there with them. I just swallow my anger & relax in my room. I figure I will never win.
Why don't you just tell the
Why don't you just tell the child to move?
I understand your frustration but I think you have to take some responsibility for your own situation. Why are you always waiting for someone else to notice that you are uncomfortable and do something about it? Why don't you just fix it yourself? Especially when you were talking about the sofa in your own home, if the kid plopped down where you wanted to sit then it's up to YOU to tell her to move. As the adult you have that right. Going off to your room alone and expecting them to realize what you were upset about and fix it - well, it sounds like a passive-aggressive manipulation. If you wanted to sit on the end - just tell her to move!
Same with the restaurant. I mean, if you present yourself as the type of person who won't take up for herself, who won't speak up for what she wants, fine, but to mope about it hoping to get someone else to prove that they are thinking of you...well, I've found that the older I get the less patience I have for that sort of thing.
I guess I just don't understand why you think it's everyone else's responsibility to make sure that you are comfortable and have what you want.
Edit - I think you have to set up your boundaries, make them clear to everyone in the house, and enforce them.
Have you spoken to your
Have you spoken to your husband about it? Now I'm asking that question...which proves we're better off at helping others than ourselves with our problems!
There's part of me that says, "Hey, don't say a WORD about the seating thing. You've got it made." I mean, seriously...she watches Disney the WHOLE TIME SHE'S THERE. If I can get a DVR for the other room, I can watch all the shows I don't get to watch. If I really think about it, it's an awesome opportunity. But, it's not a long-term solution. It's just one of those moments when I'm stopping before talking to him because there have been MANY times I've fought to make myself heard, then the problem is resolved and I realize the resolution isn't as sweet as I thought it would be!
I think it's about being recognized as an important member in the family, rather than "that other person." And I'm blessed with a wonderful stepdaughter and a wonderful husband...I just don't think he realizes the message this is sending to me. Which is really all it's about. I couldn't care less about seating, but I hate that nobody stands up for me and I have to always choose between coming across as a mean person or suffer in silence.
In regard to what Poison
In regard to what Poison Apples wrote...
I'm sorry if you feel I was
I'm sorry if you feel I was bullying you. I know I can be too direct.
I just wanted to say that you should stand up for yourself. I wasn't trying to beat you up.
You are right. I should not
You are right. I should not have used the word 'always'. It was thoughtless of me. Of course I don't know what she does 'always'.
I won't edit my post but I do apologize for the 'always'.
However, this blog has 'always' in the title and it's no more true than the 'always' I used. I'm a stepmom and I usually get the good seat!
In regard to what Poison
In regard to what Poison Apples wrote...
I've been online a long time. I've seen it all. I'm the first to say that there are times that call for toughspeak. But, quite frankly, when someone is in tears and coming to a forum to just speak her mind, to get shouted down like this on her first day...
I just don't think that's for me.
Yes, I've spoken up for myself many times, and been given the "What's wrong with YOU?" look. You don't know me. You've never met me. You just passed a huge, sweeping judgment on me based on the information I've posted here. She's not my daughter...I'm not a mom at all. I've never given birth and never will. I am a new stepmom, trying to establish my place in a relationship and not start ordering her around and therefore alienating her.
Look, I'm sorry. I didn't
Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't know you were in tears and I didn't know this was your first day here.
I don't think I 'shouted you down'. No, I don't know you. I gave you my opinion based only on what you said.
You just passed a huge, sweeping judgment on me based on the information I've posted here.
I made a judgement on the situation you described - the sofa incident and the restaurant incident. I didn't make a sweeping judgement of your entire personality, at least I didn't intend for it to come across that way.
I would say that perhaps you shouldn't worry about alienating her by 'ordering her around. You need to set boundaries.
I feel THAT is the issue.
I feel THAT is the issue. Parents aren't teaching their kids manners anymore. It wasn't just the husband, but our friends who let their kids take the comfy seats and at that time I wasn't even a stepmom. Just the girlfriend. I was new to it all so I didn't really feel right...but finally I did say, "I can't sit here." I still don't feel that I have the right to order other people's kids around -- even my stepmom.
Maybe it's different for stepmoms who have at least given birth to a child? I have NO maternal instincts whatsoever, I swear!
Dh always makes sure he sits
Dh always makes sure he sits by me so not a problem. However, ss always tries to arrange NOT to sit by me. He will rush in front of everyone, pushing everyone out of the way so he can get a seat on the other side of dh-or if he happens to be first to the table he will wait until I sit down to make sure he sits away from me. These are the sorts of things that I cant stand. One time he sat first, but then dh likes his back to the wall so he had him move-the only place to go was on the other side of me. Oh, what horror!! If he sprawls himself on our sofa next to dh-then I usually just go in the other room or tell him to go do something and steal his spot!!
"If he sprawls himself on our
"If he sprawls himself on our sofa next to dh-then I usually just go in the other room or tell him to go do something and steal his spot!!" I am so going to try this }:) , thank you hismineandours!
There are a couple of issues
There are a couple of issues here, one is being respected and treated as primary by your DH, even when the precious one is around! The other is being assertive as an equal adult. So what you didn't give birth? You are still equal to the other parents. Perhaps you are being a little too timid about taking your rightful place. I know that for a year or so, I stayed in the background a lot (and that's not like me) at DH's family events with BM and/or Skids. I too had to fight the feeling that I was an intruder, not quite part of the group, etc. This was all me, DH was very much "she's with me" putting me first.