Ok, all the reasons that I stay

1. I think it would be difficult for my 12yo to go through a divorce. He's doing really really well right now and I don't want to screw him up.
2. I don't want my husband to have my 12yo without me around to temper him. He can be really hard to take and I don't want him influencing my son and getting him upset without me around to step in and smooth things over.
3. I've seen how much work it is to negotiate with an ex about kids.
4. I know how my dh dealt with his ex-wife... they did not communicate at all, he took her to court for child support and ended up in court for years, finally getting her parental rights removed.
5. There are some good things about him. He works hard, he can be fun at times when he is in a good mood, he is a good lover, we seem to work together as partners pretty good sometimes, I am physically attracted to him.
6. I am getting ready to go through menopause and maybe some of it is my own hormones?
7. I need him financially since we have 3 kids that will all be going to college in the next few years.
8. I fear I will regret leaving later.

All the reasons that I think I should leave

1. He has a personality disorder (paranoid personality disorder)
2. He is extremely moody and I'm tired of walking on eggshells around him
3. He is impossible to argue with, as he gets irate, calls me names, slams things around sometimes, (and then denies it), and cannot use logic or reason.
4. He holds grudges... against me and everyone else in his life that he thinks has ever done him wrong (and that includes most of his family)
5. He is a fairly negative person... and I am a fairly positive person.
6. His communication skills are sorely lacking.
7. He can be really cold sometimes.
8. Sometimes I think the only reason he wants me to stay is because I have a good job and make 60,000 plus a year. I pay a large portion of the household bills. He works for himself.
9. I truly believes he resents the fact that I have a college degree, that I have a good job, and that I am a fairly successful person.
10. He's told me before that he was better off before he met me... not in those words, but he's basically told me that. On the flip side, he's also told me he knows I'm the best thing that ever happened to him.
11. A lot of the time I think I would be happier by myself without having to deal with his moods, his anger, and resentment.

heatherb: Yes, I have tried talking to him. As I said, he cannot talk without getting irate. If I try to talk, he gets emotional right away and says I am being "aggresive" or "domineering"... he will even say I am "out of control" when I am being calm and patient and he is yelling and calling ME names. He keeps saying "You've told me numerous times you want to leave..." and I say "yes, I have. Because I don't feel loved and I am not happy." Instead of taking that as a clue that maybe he needs to change his behavior or he will lose his wife, he turns that on me, like I should NEVER even think about that. I don't know how to explain this. It is like he sees no connection between how he treats me and whether I would leave or not. Then he will list all the things he sees about me that he thinks are bad, and I will say "well, if you think that, why do you still want to be with me?" he cannot answer that question.

Having said all of that, I tried last year really really hard to get a long with him, to not argue with anything he said, and yes, for about 8 months we did not have an argument. Basically because I bit my tongue all the time. I was affectionate, and loving and it lasted about 8 months.

I am now wondering if I can even do that anymore. I'm still willing to try I guess... but I don't know how much more I can do that, when I have this sick feeling in my stomach when I think about spending the rest of my life with him.

I made up my mind today that I will move out in January. That is 6 months. I will give my oldest son time to adjust to being in college away from home. I'll give my daughter time to get settled in to high school, and I'll give our son time to get settled into 7th grade. Then, my ass will be OUT of that house! I'm going to rent an apartment for my kids and me, and he can do whatever he wants with the house. Let HIM pay the f***ing mortgage, taxes, utilities, etc.

I have been trying REALLY hard the past few weeks to get along with him. To be affectionate, to be loving, (even though he NEVER kisses me on his own anymore or tells me he loves me, or hugs me). But last night, I went to bed about 10pm, I was tired. He came to bed sometime later, and I was awake. I tried touching him a few times, you know, on the arm, on the shoulder... no response. He did not even say anything to me and did not kiss me goodnight. After about 10 mintues, he just got up and left and did not come back. He slept on the couch. This morning I went in and calmly, tentatively said "did I do or say something last night to upset you?" He said "no, why" I said , "well, you got up and left the bed and didn't come back and you didn't say anything" Then, he said "well, it seems like YOU'RE getting mad now!" I said, "no, I'm not mad, my feelings are just a little hurt." So instead of just saying "hey, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings... I didn't know you were awake and I couldn't sleep" He accused me of "being abrupt" and "getting in his face". I went to walk the dog, and when I came back, I tried to hug him and tell him that I wasn't mad, and he just got up, walked out the door and left without saying goodbye. then he CALLED me on the phone to get into a fight with me. He brought up his son again and a bunch of other stuff. I told him that he obviously was not interested in trying to save our marriage, he just wants to live in the little hell hole we have right now. So, I'm NOT TRYING anymore. I decided that I will stay for 6 more months and then I will LEAVE.

The real shame is.. (and to quote a really great movie called The Kid) "he could have been really great"

I just can't keep it up any longer. I can't keep trying to get along with someone who has a personality disorder that prevents him from acting like a normal person. I wish I was able to deal with it, but 13 years is long enough to put myself through this misery. Brief moments of non-misery is not enough reason to stay in Hell Hole.

sweetthing... don't feel bad. I have thought that many times. And felt VERY guilty (I guess I might have to answer for that in some afterlife maybe...) but really, I have thought.. maybe I'll die, or maybe he'll die. You know if you start thinking that.. things are REALLY bad.

My sister once told me if her husband was dying she would not life a finger to help him. I'm sure she felt that way at the time... but I never really believed her.