ADVICE: Is this a reasonable boundary to impose on BM?
My DH has his 8 yo daughter 2 days a week. He has her from 5:30p Tues afternoon until 8:30 Weds morning and then either a Friday or Saturday 3:30pm to 3:30pm the next day.
SD is never at our house for more than a 24 hour period of time.
MY QUESTION:
Is it reasonable to insist that unless there is a CLEAR emergency, BM shouldn't call our home to chat with SD every time she is at our house? If SD were staying with us for days at a time, I could totally understand the reason for a phone call. But she doesn't. SD is only with us for 24 hours at a time.
The situation is, BM is calling every time SD is over just to chat and, I suspect, to find out exactly what we're up to.
For example, just this past Sunday morning she called at 9am and then again at 11am on the home phone. She also called DH cell phone and sent text messages demanding to speak to her daughter. It was NOT an emergency, of course, and SD was due to be back with her mother in only 5-6 hours.
DH has, via email, asked that BM not call our house to chat up SD unless there is an emergency, but BM is not complying. What do you think? Are DH and I being reasonable or too hard on BM?
And yes, BM is a nosy, nosy busybody who wishes to control SD and DH. I'm standing in the way of that control and she's not happy about it.
That is a tough one. I
That is a tough one.
I wouldn't want to restrict SD from contacting BM. Maybe, you can put some boundaries in place - say 9 AM is too early, morning is too busy but schedule a time for SD to check in with BM?
SD shouldn't have to check in - she is with her father - I'm just trying to offer a solution that will give BM less ammo to use to create a scene.
Maybe phone once and thats
Maybe phone once and thats it. If she phones more then that the phone / texts / cell phones will not be answered.
That way maybe she will save
That way maybe she will save that one phone call for emergencies
My BF's EX would do the
My BF's EX would do the samething when the girls were with us. The time we spent together was only one weekend a month as during the week I did not get to be around them (my BF and I don't live together and the girls lived with my BF during week) now its every other week since BM moved back in town). My BF and BM have 50/50 custody. BF's teen has a cell phone BM would call just to be nosy. If she could not reach teen she would keep calling my BF's cell. One time she kept trying all three cells (two kids and his no reason for the call) He ignores her calls and let's it go to voice mail. We noticed that when ever teen talked to BM teen's attitude towards me would worsen. We now insist BF's two kids leave their phone at their house or turn it off, as they do not need it since they are with us and we both have cell phones. It is the one weekend we had with them and we wanted them to get to know me without more negative influence from BM. Things are still shaky with one of the teens but it is what it is. We are still working with the 13yr/o. We set our own boundaries and no longer have problems with the phone. My BF also respects BM's time with their kids and does not call but is available if there is an emergancy call. I hope this will help. I believe we have to have some bounderies otherwise things will get out of control. At least in my case. Good luck.
Personally, I would ignore
Personally, I would ignore her calls/texts/and voicemails. Pick one time each visit that is convenient for YOU/DH/SKID and have the child call her mom. EVENTUALLY mom will get the hint. I would say NOTHING to her about her calls either. They will slow down after a while. If you have SD calling her once a day at a fairly consistent time, BM will figure it out and will look forward to her calls.
Her "if it's an emergency" line is crap. Why would she need to call a CHILD in an emergency. 911, Parents, Her boyfriend or husband, Superman....whoever but she would never need to call a CHILD in case of an emergency. (*Looking for the rolling eyes emoticon*)
We had the same problem only
We had the same problem only she would use the tel the kids how much she missed them and how she wasn't having any fun without them. It made them sad so bf asked her to stop. She refused so he stopped answering the phone.
Eventually we were back in court and she asked for phone access at her whim. The judge awarded her phone access - one call every 2 days at a specified time. Usually the kids don't even want to talk to her and we have to make them.
Every day at 8 years old when they are with their father is too much. Your boyfriend has to tell her he will not answer the calls anymore and then stop answering them. As the child gets older it will get worse if you don't nip it in the bud right now.
insecurity...so true
insecurity...so true
Get caller ID and block her
Get caller ID and block her numbers when SD is at your house or let her calls go to voice mail.
Telling BM not to call when SD is at your house is just stiring up shit you don't want to have to smell and it will smell if you go there.
Best regards.
I guess DH typing out
I guess DH typing out boundaries to BM in an email was a bad idea?
We have stopped answering her calls! But the calls persist.
SD IS ONLY WITH US FOR A 24 HOUR PERIOD PER TIME. We never have her for 2 nights in a row, I guess because it was decided that would be too long for clingy BM to be away from SD.
We just don't appreciate BM calling to see what we're all up to & whether SD would like mac and cheese with her dinner later on. (One day, BM actually called 1.5 hours before DH would be taking SD back to ask that question.) Imo, BM is just wasting DH and my time with SD!
Ugh! How does anyone ever figure out the right way to navigate these waters?
I agree with Purpleflower.
I agree with Purpleflower. Pick one time for the SD to call BM, and that's that. Do not answer BM's calls, texts, etc. She's full of it.
You cannot impose a boundary on someone else. You see how well that's working out - it's not. We only have control over ourselves. So, exercise your control, and just don't answer the phone. So what if she keeps calling? Hopefully, she'll eventually get the hint.
Same story happens in my
Same story happens in my home, in fact she's been known to just show up & make sure her son Is ok, it's her son & that means she should be allowed anyplace he is, including our home. My dh just told her "he's fine just because u can't get ahold of someone does not mean you can just show up at our house. She still don't get it at all. She has narcissism personality disorder (npd) and does not get things that are inappripriate, I have emailed her about just showing up at our house unannounced and she needs to make sure it's ok with an adult on the house not your kid. She has another son born right after her & my dh seperated and this little boy looks up to his big brother and my home is kid friendly but I'm sorry unless my dh or myself invite her and her youngest child to hang out And play than she is not allowed to just show up. I told her maybe nobody has told her that it's bad manners to do that and maybe nobody has ever told her but she needs to know that it's unacceptable behavior. I don't care if she hates me or not but I sweat to God when she's parked in my driveway in her big show-off suv it makes my yard & gardens look terrible and she needs to do what needs to be done and remove herself asap.
She will probably never get it people with npd rarely do.
Yippee I get to deal with her weirdness almost on a daily basis.
I wish karma would kick in I'm waiting patiently.
Why is it these days when
Why is it these days when people behave poorly, have no manners, no consideration for others, and are totally self-absored they are labeled as having some sort of "disease" or "disorder?"
Some people are just jerks. Period.
Sorry you are going through this.
personality disorders are
personality disorders are partly nature, mostly nurture. it's an effective way of labeling people who exhibit the same behaviors. the label is supposed to be used for treatment, but, yeah, obviously BMs are not getting themselves any of that. some people are just plain jerks. and nothing excuses bad behavior. but, sometimes it helps to know that some people act they way they do because of things in their lives partly beyond their control. i think that most bms don't actively hate us. they just hate everyone. that's a disorder. it doesn't mean we have to put up with it, it just means that maybe we can at least feel sorry for them. maybe they even want to be nicer people but can't, kinda like addicts.
i know what you mean but i just had to reply because there are some people who honestly have disorders, more serious obviously than personality disorders, i'm talking about like pervasive developmental disorder (a.k.a. autism), that cause them to act like 'jerks,' and sometimes comments like yours, talking about 'these days,' does a diservice to those people who may really be trying to fit in and just not getting it, or not have the support they need. either way, a diagnosis is meant for someone to receive treatment, medical and social (be kind, be compassionate, be patient, be firm), it's not meant merely as an excuse for poor behavior.
do we have the same bm? is
do we have the same bm? is the suv silver?
could not agree more on this
could not agree more on this one:
"You CAN just not answer the phone, or block the number, or turn off the ringer, or..."
turning off the ringer has always been my fave.....
blocking the number will cause more problems, but if you want to piss her off, that would do the trick! }:)
Here is what we do b/c our bm
Here is what we do b/c our bm was the same way. We told her that if she didn't stop calling all the time that we would let it go to VM and IF we felt it was something she needed to talk to the kids or dh about right then, then someone would call her back. But she HAD to leave a mess for why she was calling. Most of the time she would call knowing we were doing somehting as a family or she would call right before the boys were due back home. I don't understand if it like 15 min or so before you see them WHAT is so important that can't wait???
Most of the time she called to ask the boys what the latest toy they were wanting so she could make sure they knew she was buying it.
Once we started doing that bm got the pic that we were not going to take her calls all the time. I mean she wouldn't let dh do that so should she expect us to let her? Every time dh tried to call the boys while she had them she would say they are too busy and hang up.
IMO less them 24 hours there is NO reason she should be calling unless an emergency anyway. She needs to let father and child bond without her always having to be in the middle of it. Let them have some fun together as well as the everyday stuff.
ETA: look at it this way how many times would YOU call you kid/s if they were at gmas for 1 night?
I agree purpledaisies.
I agree purpledaisies. Fathers time means time to bond. Even if he is remarried or has a fiance.