Your husband is dilusional. His daughter is far from standing up for herself, she is mooching off the two of you. People who stand up for themselves don't live rent free in other peoples rental properties.

Time to have a come-to-Jesus clarity session with your husband on how you are equity partners in the marriage and any expediture of marrital resources is a joint decision. If he does not find clarity take his ass to the cleaners.

As for the Jeckyll and Hyde thing when you make comments on your Skid(s)...... anyone married to someone with a child with someone else has experienced that. The key is to make it a learning moment for the BioParent we are married to and make any repeat incidents increasingly unpleasant for the BioParent that caters to the waste of skin Skid.

Good luck and best regards.

Your husband was completely out of line in putting you on the chopping block for his daughter to start whacking at. He had to know what it would come down to for you. I don't see where he could expect the outcome to be positive in ANY way. I don't mean to offend you, but your husband sounds like an a$$hole. You deserve better than that. He seems to think his pedestal is taller than yours because he makes more money. Money doesn't make a marriage. Heart does. He clearly doesn't have one.

Yes - BTDT and am very careful now. I don't criticize and it just takes awhile for him to see it for himself, but eventually he does. If it doesn't affect you financially, I would let him do it. He will eventually see what she is doing.

I certainly understand that grown kids can need a hand from time to time, especially during life's real crises like divorce. I've done it myself. And there is nothing wrong with helping as long as everyone agrees to a certain limit. Which you all seemed to do.

What is troubling here is that the SD has decided to change the limits and requirements and your DH is siding with her. On further thought, maybe SD knew beforehand she was going to take a "sabbatical" (Read: Goofing off and travelling to see friends, maybe?) and wouldn't be paying rent and DH agreed to that. After all, if she was really intending to pay rent why didn't DH simply tell her to find her own place to rent (maybe help with deposit, etc.) and not displace a good tenant, who can be damnned hard to find?

You seem to have a husband who has just demonstrated his first allegiance is to his biological children. And especially in such a frightening way - by clearing out assets! If he did it once, he will do it again. I am also disturbed that he told YOU to figure out how to live on your own salary - I guess that philosphy doesn't apply to his grown daughter, huh?

Lillian, your first priority is to take care of you. You are 50 years old and have no children of your own. I would definitely make it a point to keep a certain portion of your assets in reserve and in an account he can't touch - because you may need them one day.

And maybe, if you CAN live comfortably on your own salary, it might be something you might consider doing someday soon. Your DH doesn't sound like he will have your back or best interests at heart when you start to face the road ahead (including retirement, age-related illnesses, etc.) He will still be funneling money into caring for his middle-aged children when they need it.

P.S. Your DH's comment, "Afterwards he came up to me and asked how I liked hearing his daughter stand up for herself." Is also very troubling. Sounds very passive aggressive to me - like he was gloating over the fact that his daughter tried to bawl you out and belittle you.

I find the whole thing disturbing.
I am sure the daughter knew she wouldn't be staying around too long. Actually what is happening is she is using the rental home for storage for her possessions.

Maybe (when your DH is in a calmer state) suggest the 2 of you clear out the rental property and get a tenant in. And DH can pay for her stuff to be in storage for a year. Then he gets the rent and his daughter has her struff locked up and secure.

I would put it to him like this ..... Honey, if she isn't going to be around for a year and the house is empty it may make it very easy for someone to burglarise it. If we put her stuff in a secure storage facility you can sleep at night knowing her only possessions are safe. Then you can get a tenant in for just a year until she comes back from her sabbatical."

I would think very hard about sticking around if his loyalty is towards his grown daughter rather than his wife. After all (and you can use this line the next time her gets snotty with you) who will be wiping his drool and/or his butt when he is old and sick? His daughter or you?

Keep some of that money aside and build yourself a next egg. If you get a pay rise don't tell him. Keep that and any additional money aside. You can get it deducted straight from your paycheck and deposited elsewhere and he willnever know.

If things work out you can always use it for a vacation in a few years. But you may need the money for your own set-up costs in the future.

DISENGAGE!!!!!!!

"Not my problem" has become my catch phrase and it is lovely.

Also, i think that that separate bank account idea is a wonderful idea. Open one in your name only. You can choose to tell him or not. I would go with not.

I would simply have said "I have a job and pay my bills and I don't feel the need to listen to advice from unemployed ADULTS who let others support them. Thanks for your time though."

Then I'd have hung up the phone.

I agree that an adult going through a divorce might have a difficult time in more ways than one. I have lived it. My brother and folks sent me some money (without me asking) after my ex pulled the plug and turned our joint account into his own account. I had been a SAHM for 17 years. So, it was difficult. BUT, if I had had a job I never would have taken a "sabbatical" during such a critical time. The daughter needs to be working on establishing her own account and start preparing for a new life. The daughter is definetely taking advantage of the situation.

While your husband is no doubt feeling sorry for the pain his daughter is going through due to her recent divorce, I hardly see how he could be so immature as to mess about with your joint bank account.

His daughter is a grown woman and needs to start taking responsibility for her own life. I have come to the conclusion that father's are way to soft when it comes to their daughters and in doing so only enable their daughters to become dependent and take advantage. This does not empower his daughter, only makes her more needy.

I have to say that having separate bank accounts is not a bad idea. Perhaps having a joint account for your home expenses and another one in your name might be the way to go. It is such a pity that money always seems to become such a huge issue in relationships and that we allow money to rule our lives. It should not matter who is earning what, but I don't see why you should foot the bill for your H's daughter.

Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts on the matter. I hope that you and your hubby manage to sort this out. <3

I agree with a seperate account he does not know about...I actually have one and decided every time he sends SK money I will put the same amount in that account....I get soooo upset when my SKs want money every month or every other month it seems and yet they can not even call us....But DH feels guilty I am sure bc he is not there everyday in their life..... I am thinking a seperate account might not be bad....The only thing I was thinking about that is if it came to the point of his extra money going to them instead of helping with groceries or entertainment and then I am left to foot that? That is why I control the money and pay the bills....Plus lets face it...I have excellent credit and no one is going to screw it up....

I sure wish I had done the separate bank accounts thing....my mother has given my brother and me our inheritance early, and I've put the $60,000 she's given me in the last 10 years into our home. I was the only one who had anything financially when we married 20 years ago - a house and $$ in the bank - to the tune of $80,000 difference in our equity statements on our marriage contract. Yes, I protected myself in the beginning. But I figured after 10 years blending assets was okay.
So it burns me that SD was onto hubby for $$ for a destination wedding even though he was out of a job for the 3rd time in 3 years.......and had it not been for the $$ my mom gave me, he would not have had the money to send her unless he cashed some of his retirement fund (all of which he accumlated during our marriage). Just love the idea of spending my inheritance on someone who openly disdains me and treats me like shit. :sick:
Let's just say if we ever split up, darling SD is going to learn just how dependant daddy dearest is on ME for his lifestyle. He won't be flying out to see her if and when he's on his own trying to live on $24,000 a year.
Sorry for the rant,.....feeling a little pissy since he told me last night he plans on flying out to see her during his holidays.

Lilian, these issues get real sticky with family. My bio daughter wanted to live near us, they wanted to be able to get into a house of their own but didn't have the job history to qualify for a loan, she nad her husband were just moving to the are and had to find jobs. So we bought a house with the agreement, all in writing, that they would pay an amount and as they estblished themselves they were to eventually take out a loan to buy the house.

They ended up not liking the area and not wanting the house, we were stuck with a house that cost us out the nose. I hope it works better for you but I think you can anticipate trouble.Lesson learned for me, life goes on.