Question about BPs who won't be around SPs
Posted this in the wrong forum first!
So here it is: Let's say your kid's/kids'/skid's/skids' other bioparent will not be ANYWHERE near the stepparent, be that you or your spouse.
So, it's little Johnny's birthday, or it's little Jane's dance recital, or whatever. Stepparent (maybe that's you) wants to go, but the other BioParent is going and it's going to be a BAD SCENE. Maybe embarrassing shouting, maybe, God forbid, violent confrontation. Maybe it's just that the other Bioparent won't come if stepparent is there.
However, little Johhny, or little Jane, want the other bioparent there, say at their party. Honestly they really don't care if stepparent is there or not, but stepparent sure cares.
Should the bioparent with the stepspouse go to the event with the kids and leave the stepparent behind, or do you/they tell the other bioparent to grow up and that stepparent is going to be there whether they like it or not?
Does bioparent with the stepparent spouse let their kid be disappointed because the other bioparent isn't there or do they (you) tell the stepparent to stay at home?
My feeling is that you take the stepparent and if the other bioparent doesn't want to go you simply tell the kid that the other bio chose not to go. You end up punishing the stepparent for the shitty behavior of the other bioparent if not.
I keep hearing "well it's not fair to SD for her daddy to not be there and if you go he won't go". Well I say tough shit. If he doesn't go HE has to be the one to explain that he's too petty to be in the same room with me and his kids don't mean that much to him. Instead he pressures her and makes her feel guilty and puts the onus on her and she feels like if she takes me we're cheating her kids out of their daddy, and I'm left sitting in the house.
What does everyone else think? I'm especially interested in the opinions of bioparents, and really the ones with guilty consciences... and what about the rest of you steps, how does your spouse handle it? Does this happen to you?
Thanks!
I agree, grow up - put on
I agree, grow up - put on your big girl/boy pants sit on the other side of the gym, keep your cell phone on record (I purchased one where I can tape notes to my self - wonderful for interaction, you can press record without anyone knowing, made things really clear from my H when BM would make false claims) I will also take a video recorder even if it is not on I have found it keeps the BM a distance away from me.
There was an occassion where she was sitting between myself and the stage and she flipped me off thinking per her email to us later that night along with the 5 phone messages and several text messages for good measure just in case we did not understand "that she did not appriciate being taped without her permission and she would like it if we did not do it again".
welcome to crazy land.
Yep. Tough shit.
Yep. Tough shit.
You go, simple as that. The
You go, simple as that. The skids want their step-parent there and if the other parent can't handle that, then too bad, they're the ones missing out. Don't let the possibility of the other parent causing a scene affect your decision. If they cause a scene, simply walk away and don't engage them, it will only embarrassing for them, they will look like the fool. And if they get physical, call the police.
Yep, I agree. I knew his
Yep, I agree. I knew his answer, but I asked H just out of curiosity to see his answer and he agrees too. Basically, I can control the behavior of one person: myself. I am responsible for the actions of one person: myself. As a parent, bio or step, I will attend a child's function just like any other parent would and if the other bio-parent (not the spouse) has a problem and/or is likely to cause a huge scene, that would be that persons choice. They would be ruining their child's event, not the "unwanted" step-parent. Any other point of view on this is pretty much an adult wanting a free license to act like a child and throw a public temper tantrum if they don't get what they want. Last time I checked, I live in a free country and if someone has a problem that severe then they need to get help and deal with it. It's not the kids fault or responsibility or the step-parent's and spouse. Every adult is responsible for their own behavior and if they can't control themselves, the appropriate consequences should happen. If someone threatens, attacks or harms you, call the police! It's very simple. I think only crazy, entitled BMs disagree on this one. We teach our kids how to behave by setting an example and if a bio-parent makes a scene because they have problems being an adult they are making that choice and negatively influencing their children. Shifting the blame or responsibility of a loose cannon bio-parent onto the step-parent and spouse is not only completely unfair, but won't help the kids in the long run anyway.
First...I thought you broke
First...I thought you broke up with her?!?! You should feel FREE and have no more need to come here!! (being hypocritical, for how many times it was "over" for us...hell, we are actually divorced now! but live as a married couple! retarded...anyways...)
I of course do not feel that the 2 bioparents both need to be at things together BUT I say that because of my own personal sitch. DH and BM were never married (booty call gone wrong). SS is not in ANYTHING to even go to, so...all we're talking here is bday parties maybe? and those have ALWAYS been done separately. BM moved an hour away (transportation is all on DH) so SS doesnt even have any friends in our city. And we've not come to anything like graduation or anything, so...for us it has not even come up.
BUT, with that being said, THIS stepparent (me) has ZERO desire to go to ANYTHING for that kid! So I would gladly bow out. In the event that DH and BM both had to go to something, I imagine DH would go with his own mother, and would just sit far away from BM and her husband. Surely there would be a lot of people and places to sit at something like that. God help me if that kid ever gets married...I just want no part of any of it. DH hates that I feel that way, but I am 100% sure that SS feels the same way, so DH needs to just drop it and give up the fantasy that it's ever going to be anything else.
Now for your sitch?? I do sorta wonder what your vested interest is? I mean, obv you CARE about her kids...but I doubt this has much to do with that, and has more to do with feeling like your girlfriend would rather play house with her ex than MOVE ON with you. That's the real issue. In my opinion, when you end it with the ex (which, far as I know, yours hasnt yet???) you MOVE ON. That means no more family unit, time to do things separate and with new person.
When my DH and I were divorcing, I TOLD HIM that it was likely that "another guy" would probably end up being the guy who fixes bicycle chains and gets the toy off the roof etc for our daughters. And that HE would likely be "that guy" to his new woman's kids. It's just how it works, no matter how sad. Lucky for us, things worked out (so far) and that didnt happen, but DH refuses to believe/admit that "that guy" for his son is the SF and not DH.