DH goes to bed with SD!!!!!
Forgive me, everyone... But my DH goes to bed with his daughter and I think it's wrong! He goes and lays down with her until she's good and asleep, then will come and lay down with me. Problem is that she always wakes up in the middle of the night and comes into our room. She wakes him up with little whines then he goes to bed with her!!!!! It's 1am my time right now and he went to bed with her just now and close the door of the girl's room behind him as if they need some privacy! He first told her to get into the bed with us, but I don't think he realized that I was awake. I rolled over and said, "What are you doing?" He acted like he was half asleep or something when he knew exactly what I was referring to. He tried pulling that when she was 3. She is 5 now. He knows how I feel about her being in the bed with us. I don't like it! I did not get married to sleep with a little girl! I got married to sleep with a man! And I don't have him either! Can you guys tell that it's in the middle of the night and I'm mad! Normally, I go and get him after about an hour and I know she's probably asleep again. But I think him shutting the door means that he doesn't want me to... Advice, anyone???
I went through this. I did
I went through this. I did not come into my BF's life until his daughter was 7, and I was not able to get him to willingly stop until she was almost 10. I feel your pain.
It took a counselor to show him the light. An outside source. I am only still beginning to have some level of say in my own home with his kids, but it is slowly happening. I would suggest explaining to him that she MUST learn to comfort herself. Have her talk and snuggle with a favorite toy. Or, another method is to sit in a chair next to her bed instead of in bed with her. Then a couple of nights later, move the chair further from her bed and so on till he is at the door, then out of the room when she goes to bed. It may take some patience on everyone's part.
There is one more thing I can say, don't try to come between them. It will tear him apart trying to keep you both happy. You are his lover, she is his daughter.
Oh!! This is the line I used on my BF that helped, "You are the model for all men in her life. She will learn how to treat men from how you let her treat you." In other words, she will always need a man to sleep next to her. It might scare him into realizing what he is doing. It worked a little for me, but the counselor was the biggest thing.
Think carefully before you decide what you do. All situations are different.
I admire what you have done
I admire what you have done here.
Freedom 2005... you are
Freedom 2005... you are absolutely right. She needs a counselor for her separation anxiety and he needs one too to know how to best help her. The problem is that he doesn't believe in psychotherapy. My first marriage was abusive and I ended up with an anxiety disorder from it and I was emotionally devastated. It took a friend to point me in the direction of psychotherapy in order to heal. My DH is just so stubborn and my friends say that he is so blinded by his love for her that all he wants to do is comfort her himself and not have a therapist do it. Actually, I would even venture to say that he enjoys her dependency on him. I say that because I have heard him tell her that he never wants her to grow up... oh boy! That would just be my worst nightmare... a perpetual 5 year old!
When on-and-off GF's kids are
When on-and-off GF's kids are sick (9 and 11) or just scared or feeling bad or whatever, she STILL sleeps with them, at least until they fall asleep and sometimes all night. It's ridiculous. It's coddling them. Sooner or later, and in my opinion 9 and 11 qualify for WAY LATER, they have to start to grow up and be individuals who can stand on their own two feet.
I'm not expecting them to get a job, but at about 5 they need to start sleeping on their own. It's more than okay to go tuck them in, say goodnight, read a story, kiss on the cheek, then it's time to turn out the lights and go sleep with your spouse and let your kids learn that Daddy and Mommy are going to start cutting the cord.
(No subject)
:sick:
Steve, I don't think that any
Steve,
I don't think that any child should share a bed with an adult unless necessary due to an illness or a very rare nightmare. Even from childbirth, but ESPECIALLY after they are not babies anymore. Is not about being sexual, is about damaging the child. I think that parents should focus on raising independent children. I'm sure that being able to sleep throughout the night without waking up should have been a milestone long time crossed. At this age children should be able to sleep ALL night, ALL by themselves. It is a hard habit to break.
There must be some boundaries, and she has all the right to be upset, as HER husband is not sleeping throughout the night with her. If she is scared, she needs a lamp or nightlight nut NOT daddy's arms... Recipe for unhealthy marriage. A married couple must have their "sacred" space in which kids do not intrude. So they won't be able to have sex at night because THIS spoiled child needs daddy at her side to go to sleep? that is big B.S
Thank you for saying, from a
Thank you for saying, from a woman's perspective, what I've been telling my GF for 3 years. It's ridiculous for a 10 year old to sleep with "mommy" OR "daddy".
storiesbysteve... I wouldn't
storiesbysteve...
I wouldn't call it jealousy so much as it is I believe that he is not doing the right thing for her mental and emotional health. She's not scared at night. She actually likes taking daddy away from me and her siblings. She demands all of his attention and even tells her siblings that daddy is not their daddy... just hers. Talk about jealousy. She is definitely a green-eyed monster. If she were truly scared then I would have no problem with him comforting her at night. But that's not it... So don't be too quick to tell me that I'm jealous when you don't know the whole story. I would be okay with him taking her back to bed, tucking her in, kiss on the cheek and all that... but there's no reason for him to be crawling in the bed with her to sleep.
Here's the real issue... Mom and dad have been sleeping with her since she was born, so she has learned from her mom and dad that she can't sleep without one of them next to her... very unhealthy and he's not helping by coddling. And FYI, I've never asked him to stop. I just don't want her to be 10 and this is still going on... I have spoken to doctors and therapists and all agree... she needs to learn to sleep on her own.
Yeah, but no! if the girl was
Yeah, but no! if the girl was truly TOO scared to the point in which she is not able to sleep alone. Then a doctor needs to check her and see what is going on. At 5 years old, a child should not be scared every night. it sounds like is solely based on spoiling and letting her get away with it. Which means that the one in need for counseling is dear daddy...
EXACTLY WHAT I am delaing
EXACTLY WHAT I am delaing with!!! 8yo SS. Sleeps in our bed. I dont get affection or cuddles or attention in bed when he is here. I feel you.
SHOCKING UPDATE! Okay, so I
SHOCKING UPDATE!
Okay, so I haven't said anything to DH about how he continues to baby her by sleeping with her... just letting him deal with it in his own way and in his own time. And then... it happened! The other night SD5 gets up and comes into the bedroom like always. DH gets up and stumbles behind her, leading her back to her room, then comes back to bed about 20-30 minutes later. About 15 minutes after that... here she comes again. Except this time, it was different!
He opened his eyes and saw her and said, "You cannot continue to wake up daddy any more! Go back to bed and I'm not coming with you!"
Well, I nearly fell out of the bed I was so shocked! I didn't say anything even though my extinct was to literally cheer him on. He had done it now though... here comes the tears. It was a struggle for the next half hour or so with him dealing with her crying and trying to get her to go back to bed. But dare I say it??? Is he finally getting tired of his baby girl waking him up and dragging him all over the house at night??? I can only hope it's true.
The bad thing is that she was telling him all day the next day that she had seen a clown on tv that night and it scared her which is why she kept coming in the room and crying. Not even a good excuse because she's not scared of clowns... her brother is! She actually used HIS excuse and I hope daddy saw that it was a bunch of bs.
Stay tuned!!!
Small wins... small wins...
Small wins... small wins... you're getting somewhere.
HOORAY!!!
I pray for the day we ALL get where we're headed and StepTalk serves no purpose. Sorry ST administrators, I love the place, but I long for the day that it ain't necessary, and I suspect you do too...
You know what, in this house
You know what, in this house things would have probably been different. If SD saw a "clown" on TV then the reason why DH was awaken was because of TV. The next day she should have been left without TV, ALL day.
YAY!!! That is progress!!! I
YAY!!! That is progress!!! I have heard from some people recently that my SD11 is not a clingy as she use to be. She HAS gotten better over the last year. I do agree with the other person, 5 is still young, but it is EASIER to change this habit at 5 then at 11. Would be less of an issue as well.
keep us posted!
My DH would actually sleep
My DH would actually sleep with my 6 yr old SS all night when he was with us!! He NEVER slept with me when SS was here. The BM did the same thing at her house - SS slept in her bed every night. Finally, she wanted to get the kid out of her bed because she has a boyfriend now. So, she did some "weaning" thing that she read about and slept on an air mattress in SS's room until he went to sleep...some stupid BS like that. Anyway, my DH now goes into bed with SS until he goes to sleep, then comes into our bed. SS usually wakes up at 5 or 6, comes to our room, and DH goes back to SS's room with him.
SICKENING!!!!!
But, I guess it's progress...
I had chronic growing pains
I had chronic growing pains as a child and then bad respiratory problems as an early teen, so often had need for closer parental supervision than two different floors of the same house. But Mum was not going to let me sleep with them or come to sleep in my room so she came up with an ingenious solution, which I will carry over to any step-parenting situation (fortunately my SO thinks it is a great idea and is establishing it in his new household).
She had a short, narrow day bed in the landing area just at the top of the stairs outside their bedroom door. It was made up, but then covered by an easily removed cover. If I needed to be under supervised care, then she would let me sleep in that bed, with her door slightly cracked open, so I could hear them, and she could hear me.
It allows the best of both worlds without the kid getting into the parents bed.
ANOTHER UPDATE! Well, it
ANOTHER UPDATE!
Well, it appears that the "shocking update" I gave earlier was a one night thing. DH was in a bad mood apparently. We are back to the usual sit with her until she goes to sleep then allow her to wake us up 2-3 times a night and drag DH back to bed with her.
Her older brother (SD12) actually took up for me the other day when I was watching him and her while DH was at work. He asked her why she keeps waking us up and she just stood there, deer in the headlights look and wouldn't say anything. I was in the other room straining to see if I could hear a response from her. I then heard her say in a very low voice... "Because I'm scared." That was it!!!!
I flew like a bat out of you know where into the room and proceeded to tell SD5 what BS that was... Told her that I know she's not scared because she has no look of fear on her face when she comes into the room, no tears, no nothing! Just a jealous desire to have her daddy in the bed with her and no one else! Again, she just stared at me with no response. Hey, y'all... What does the staring with no response mean from kids???
Well, I had to drop her off with her grandma the next day, BM's mom who lives with BM. She asked me why I look so tired. I gave in and told her that it was because SD5 keeps us up all night and told her what was going on. She said BM slept with her all the time until she got a steady boyfriend. Now boyfriend has moved into the home and BM doesn't really want little girl in the bed with her anymore because (I've heard) it makes boyfriend mad. I understand completely!
Grandma says that now BM has little girl sleep with her or her older sister so no matter where SD5 is, she is sleeping with somebody! I told Grandma that it needed to stop for everyone's sake not to mention the health of the child. She agreed with me and said she would try to help, but we'll see if she meant it.
Waiting for the fall out now with DH now that BM knows that I've spoken to Grandma about all this... haven't heard anything yet. But it's not fair that everyone's sleep gets ruined over this. Even Grandma says she doesn't like it when little girl sleeps with her because she likes her space!