Daddy can you fix my problems
Working through some enabling issues my DH has with his grown kids. It's not nearly as bad as it was about a year ago thank goodness. Today I was having lunch with DH when he gets a call from SS24. (DH takes the call and that makes me crazy, but that's for another rant.) SS is taking summer classes after having had some real problems (addiction, and many of you on this board helped me for which I am grateful every day).
Anyway here's my vent for the day. Apparently SS's advisor signed him up for a class for which he already had credit. SS bought an expensive textbook that he could not return after he figured out he didn't need to take the class. No return policy on this book since it was a prepared packet. So he's out $150 and has now just $10 in his pocket. A year ago DH would have been sending the kid cash, and at least he didn't offer to do that. (But I bet he does.) But NOWHERE is there any recognition that SS should maybe be responsible for watching his own course schedule. DH advises him on who to go talk to (DH used to work at the univ and knows the players). HOW DOES THIS HELP SS solve a problem? I guess I should be grateful that DH didn't make the calls himself.
THEN, SD28, with whom I have a good relationship and is a hard-working responsible woman, is having ongoing battles with her graduate program. Her summer schedule is all messed up and somebody didn't do what they needed to do to get her financial support in order, and she calls her dad crying. Yes, it's a real problem. Yes, it's hard. Yes, her dad and I live in the university world and know something about the culture. But it's still HER problem to solve.
The instant anything goes wrong, both of these kids are on the phone to their dad. Advice? Loving support? All fine. But could we let go of the ongoing drama please? All I say to him is that they're adults and they'll have to figure it out. Mistakes happen every day, and after this one there will be another one. He thinks I'm cold and unsympathetic. I'm not, but I'm not running to anybody to fix my messed up cell phone bill or to argue with the credit card company or whatever. This is all part of real life. Come on already.
My own daughter (24), who I admit to coddling for too long, has an issue with her drivers license. She hasn't been able to get the answers she needs from the state agency. So, I say to her, "What are you going to do about it?" Until she gets it solved she can't drive. Nothing I can do about it except maybe give her a ride when she knows what she needs to fix it. If she doesn't figure it out, not my problem.
These people are adults. DH is pretty mad at me for my lack of sympathy.
Adult "children" (no matter
Adult "children" (no matter their age) will go to their parents for advice and counsel at certain stages/events in life. That's part of any healthy relationship, really. But what you describe does sound like these "children" really haven't let go of the strings like they should, especially if this is a frequent occurrance. On the side of fairness, if they only call on occasion when they perceive they have a really "hard" problem then it's a different story. Not a hand-out (for either money or direction) but a really hard problem. Making a stupid mistake and learning from it is part of life's education and doesn't automatically categorize it as a "hard problem". Why is your DH (who lives in the world of higher education) denying his kids the most important lesson they need? Which is how to be a self-supporting, independent adult? If he thinks you are cold and unsympathetic, wait until either or both of those young adults run into one of the REAL predators out there in the world! They will be eaten alive because they are unequipped to deal with it. Con artists, psychopaths or other dastardly bast!rds sure as heck won't wait for them to call "Daddy" to figure out what to do next.
I have no problem with
I have no problem with parental advice and help with hard stuff. I miss my own dad for just that. But I'm talking pretty much the normal day-to-day "stuff" adults deal with. I do cut the son some slack as he's working really hard on getting himself back together. And the daughter is a delight when the world is turning in her direction. But I swear sometimes these grown kids call 5 times a day. And I think DH likes that they need him, and he has a whole history of cleaning up for BM and this has extended to their kids. So they think it normal.
Really, compared to problems others are dealing with this is pretty minor. But I do appreciate the ability to vent my own frustrations.
Sounds like the problem is
Sounds like the problem is that these children have been coddled all their lives. Because of it, they have no self-esteem and faith in themselves that they CAN indeed fix the simplest problems on their own. And this is BECAUSE of how your DH has raised them.
Indeed, like you said, to build up a child's self-worth, a parent needs to show faith in their abilities- faith in them. So, as your example with your own child, his answer to his adult "children" in all areas needs to be, "So, how are YOU going to handle this? What strategies have YOU come up with to fix this?"
And only AFTER they have come up their own possible solutions, then should DH provide counsel and they can brainstorm TOGETHER.
THIS is teaching. THIS is parenting. THIS is building self-worth in a child to problem-solve and not simply have DADDY SOLVE THE PROBLEM.
Too many parents today simply "helicopter-in" to save the day and rescue their "little darlings." They think they are helping- but what they are really doing is crippling their self-worth.
I was one of those kids who
I was one of those kids who called his Dad for everything financial until I was about 28 or so. After a divorce I got help, when my car blew up I got help, when my aid for grad school didn't work I got help... Finally my Dad wrote me a check for something and said "I'm giving you this check and a gift. A great gift. the gift of your manhood and independence. This is the last dollar you'll get from me. If you need advice, call. If you need money, figure it out yourself. You're a grown man and it's time to act like it."
Ironically, I'm now 42 and I haven't needed a thing from him since that speech and my guess is that as soon as your husband has that talk with his kids they'll learn how to survive as well.
I agree with your husband.
I agree with your husband. Leaving a kid with $10 in his pocket because he mistakenly bought the wrong text book based on what his advisor told him? A "hardworking, responsible young woman" whose financial aid gets screwed up through no fault of her own? This is not "ongoing drama." If you suffered financially through someone else's errors and needed money from your husband, would you expect him to tell you to deal with it on your own? Helping children--especially in tough cases like these, not ongoing handouts for vacations and shoes--is part of being a parent. It sounds more like you don't want them intruding on or in your life.
I didn't say we wouldn't help
I didn't say we wouldn't help him. But that should not be the automatic first step. Problems need to be solved throughout life, some big and some small, and expecting others to solve them for you is irresponsible.
I don't know where you get that I think they're an intrusion. I just don't think DH is doing them any favors by being Mr. Fix-it Man.
I think that what I struggle
I think that what I struggle with is the ongoing helplessness of SD. If it was an occasional lapse of judgement - of course you help them out. But when the bank account is overdrawn again and they can't pay their rent again and they receive another collection notice and they are planning a 4th attempt at completing college. When do you say enough already? I doubt my DH ever will and that is why I've stepped back. His daughter -his concern, his problem.