DH Avoids Conflict at ALL Costs
Okay - let me know what you all would do....
You have a full basement...SS18 is in a room down there. The laundry room is down there as well as a living area with a huge big screen TV.
SS and his friends have DESTROYED this basement...not once either. This past weekend it was a huge mess...
The laundry room floor couldn't even be seen - clothes were on every part of it. Boxes and totes had been removed off the shelves and left all over the floor in there. The kitchen area looked like a huge muddy dear had stepped all thru it..dishes left all over the place.
The living area head the light fixture shattered and laying on the floor in pieces. There was crap laying all over the place.
My DH's father's day frame had been broken by these kids.
SS's room? Well if you've seen "Twister" you can just about picture his room I suppose.
Basically the basement looked and smelled like shit.
Enter my DH - he finally has a fit..a royal fit.
But - HE cleans it up. While his son lies in bed and sleeps in the next room. Once he wakes up when the work is over 1/2 done, then my DH lays into him.
But only for a short while...SS has a way of coming across as his friends did all the mess and he's only an innocent bystander. It's rather sickening to watch anymore.
So I sat upstairs and cleaned the house while I watched and heard my DH in our basement for over 5 hours cleaning up the mess his soon to be 18 year old son and his friends made.
No punishment...nothing.
Isn't it amazing how some men would rather take 5 hours out of their lives than to acknowledge their children are worthless slobs? I do NOT feel that telling your child that they are a slob means you don't love them...I think it has made me lose more respect for my own husband than it has my SS.
Amazing....
The problem definitely seems
The problem definitely seems to be your H, not your SS. This also seems to go beyond avoiding conflict. His son behaves this way because his dad allows it. He is not doing his child any favors by cleaning up after him. He will not be raising a responsible adult. He is enabling his son to be worthless, and unable to contribute to society in a productive way. Maybe once your SS is unable to hold down a job, because he has no sense of responsibility, your H may start to see the err of his ways. I can see how it would be hard to respect someone who would coddle an 18 year old this way.
"Maybe once your SS is unable
"Maybe once your SS is unable to hold down a job, because he has no sense of responsibility, your H may start to see the err of his ways."
Don't hold your breath on that one. My SS who has been coddled all his life and couldn't find the word consequence in the dictionary is now 22, unmarketable, sleeps in our garden shed like a transient and in general is a total loser. DH still did not put 2+2 together and thinks his golden offspring is just "going through a phase". Mind boggling idiocy.
Cha - one thing that blows my
Cha - one thing that blows my mind - his son HAS a job at our local movie theatre. Not many hours but he has one.
And at that job he gets bragged on that he is soooooo clean and so good at his job.
Yet he can destroy our home......and my DH cleans up after him.
Am I missing something here? Because I'd really like to understand why my DH feels the need to clean up after a grown man.
Did I mention he does his laundry too? Yep!
I recently have been going
I recently have been going through the same thing. I finally decided to put my foot down. These adult children are showing absolute disrepect to us and the life we provide for them. My DH has made me feel guilty time and time again for trying to do the right thing when it comes to parenting. And I mean the right thing by discipling their actions such as your mess that your SS created in the basement. I think your DH figured if you didn't have to clean it up than he could avoid conflict with you and son. This is a ridiculous thought pattern that a lot of men seem to develop. I have been disrepected time and time again by my SD (who is now 21) my DH has tried to avoid conflict and disciplining SD.
I may be wrong but I think that the majority of us would love to make our spouses choose but as caregivers we know that this would be a wrong thing to do. But when I put my foot down just this past weekend I did not make him choose between me and her. I made him decide between right and wrong (the actual circumstance is a long one. 9 yrs of disrespect and no support). I told him that at 21 yrs old she is an adult. She will mature have a family of her own and that she is not his other half. I AM. I told him that if he did not choose to hold her responsible for her action and support me 100% that we would both end up with nothing in a real hurry and that I refused to put her feelings and his before mine anymore.
I thought that my marriage was hopeless after 9 yrs we were still fighting about the same thing my SD. I think so many of us are afraid of what the outcome will be. But rest assure these fillings of second best will never go away unless you put your foot down. We are not asking them to choose between child and wife all we are doing is asking them to do right from wrong. And if they can't do that then I was willing to throw away the hurt for the consequence of being divorced.
As a result my husband chose to do the right thing. He chose to hold her accountable for her actions. He chose to stop feeling sorry for her and do what was right. He chose to put his foot down and stop arguing with me for what she was doing wrong. He chose to no longer allow her to disrespect us. We will always love her but she needs to come to terms with her actions. I know that it was one of the hardest things he has ever done. But... it was the hardest thing I have ever done, risking my marriage, my love, my family for what had been hurting me for so many years. I finally feel I have a little bit of peace. Only time will tell how this all turns out. But never ever turn your hurt away for someone elses feelings because that hurt will stay with you until the change you are seeking comes to light.
I am going to give my marriage one last chance. But from this point forward, I am going to put my feelings first! Good luck all you step moms and dads that put your feelings out there. Truth be told some will hold on others may not.
BTW I have two bio children BS14 and BD11 and he has never had a problem holding them responsible for their actions. So this was a long time coming.
Just to let you know this can
Just to let you know this can happen with biological children as well as step children. I know that does not give much help but once I reminded myself of that things became easier. This is your home along with your husbands, I know that it is not a popular belief but the children are guests in our home and our rules are to be followed. If this were me I would let my husband know my feelings, be open to suggestions and look for alternative options. Make sure that you share your expectations with your ss and since he is an older child do not allow for the friends to come over. If he can not respect your rules ask the other's to leave your home. If they refuse you can always call law enforcement to have the removed. These behaviors began long ago when he was 2/3 and was not taught how to behave and have respect for others. I have seen some of our children's friend's "forget" the lessons that were taught to them also. Some times they need reminders, so make sure that you are not "going to do" things for your ss if he is not respectful of you or your husband. This has worked really well with my ss who is 16yrs. old. He will ask for a ride somewhere or money for something and when I say no he has gotten to the point that he now knows that means that he has forgotten to do a chore or was rude in some manner to myself/his father or his siblings. (i do use this also with my bio kids) works like a charm. good luck.