Sort of a... unique BM situation...

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So I've been reading along on here for awhile now and felt it was time to post a question of my own. I see a lot of BMs who are obnoxious, jealous, spiteful, etc. Our situation is problematic, but I'm really scratching my head on how to deal with it.

See, the BM in my situation is actually pretty kind, polite and willing to be friendly with me, which is great; the problem is that lately, we're finding that we're hearing (indirectly) a lot that suggests behind closed doors it's another story. A lot of lies and/or extreme exaggerations about the circumstances of the divorce, claims that he was "abusive" to her (he wasn't; they just had a bad relationship full of bad behaviours on BOTH sides and I have heard his share of bad decisions in it so I'm not claiming innocence on his part ;)). She's on another parenting board and has the women on there wrapped around her finger - strangely they know nothing of all her mistakes, her brief but existant affair with another man, etc. and strangely between her and my DH, the only one who is a bad person for moving on with life is him (despite the fact that she was also in a serious relationship for a time, which, FTR, I think is great /shrug They're still talking, to my knowledge, too and possibly working things out) I'm not entirely sure that she's specifically saying a lot of the things her friends seem to think are true about the circumstances so much as she says things very vaguely and omits facts and leaves the rest to interpretation. She has the skids most of the time, they visit DH every 6 weeks for a weekend and for 2 weeks in the summertime due to distance and so I know the single mother gets a lot of sympathy, but she also plays it up and knows it. In all honesty, I don't even care that she does, except when it comes at the cost of slandering my DH and our relationship.

It blew up the other day in (this is lame) a Facebook status update battle between her website friends and myself. I made a commented directed to someone else (not BM) and I had 5 or 6 ladies jump on me with insults, inaccurate facts and a slew of irrational ranting, despite my efforts to be calm, not resort to the name-calling they thought was a good idea and clarify some things. BM was curiously absent for most of it but stepped in at the end asking everyone to just stop and take some deep breaths. DH got into contact with her and she was (as usual) vague about why they thought those things, instead said she hadn't said anything at first because she was busy, said they must have been confused by one thing she had said and she corrected it on their site (casually forgot to mention all the other claims made by her friends) and ended with a very public relations-worthy, "I hope it didn't ruin your week and hope everything's okay between all of us!" She's pretty good at typing a lot without saying much. The other issue is she makes very light of it when this stuff happens even though we make it clear it is very much a problem for us.

At the end of the day, I could care less what a bunch of self-righteous, put-each-other-on-pedestals women on some website think. Our concern is the fact that kids can pick up on this stuff when it's out there; so while we know the truth and BM knows the truth, I don't want casual badmouthing of us slipping from her or her friends around the kids. Aside from being untrue, it isn't fair to them to put them in the middle of bad feelings between her and DH (and by extension, me) regardless of what happened or didn't happen on both of their ends while they were married - those things don't concern the kids and don't have any bearing on the parent-child relationships. I have divorced parents. I STILL don't want to know the details of their relationship and divorce. I have a general understanding but the rest doesn't concern me and it DOES hurt, to this day, when one will make rude comments or criticize the other to me.

I'm not saying BM isn't allowed to have feelings, and hey, if one day we really piss her off and she needs to vent, go nuts, but casual badmouthing (especially while being so friendly to our faces) doesn't need to be there and it is a problem. It sows seeds for bad feelings where there don't need to be, hinders everyone's ability to move forward as a team and, in the long term, will hurt those kids. I guess the question is how do you approach something like that when in the past she's been so light-hearted about it? Should I explain in detail more of why it's bad for the kids and even if she doesn't want to stop for us, she should for them? I don't think we all need to be best friends or anything but we should be able to trust at least to some degree, ideally. I really don't want to have conflict with her forever, DH doesn't either and at the end of the day I don't think she does. We just want to know how we should get her to knock off the sympathy whining.

One thing we've thought of is to approach it in person with her, because on the phone or email she can keep it as brief as she wants. We don't want to gang up on her or anything and I'd be able to spin all of that in a way that lets her know NONE of us can do that kind of thing. That's what we're thinking right now but I'd like to hear some of y'all's thoughts on the situation and if anyone has dealt with anything similar in the past.

Hee, more unique than I

Hee, more unique than I thought.

Tough one but here goes...

Tough one but here goes... I'll jump in...First, why are you website(FB) friends with BM's friends? Do you actually know these ladies or should I say girls ? Remove them as friends. Why would you want people like that as your friends anyway?

Second, She lied when DH confronted her about the situation, not once but twice. You will not get an honest answer out of her at this point. Until all the facts are clear regarding this whole FB situation, I would be polite, cordial and THAT'S IT! No more buddy-buddy.

It sounds like she is being a typical catty B$$$$$. I hate to say that but it looks like she will tell you one thing and her friends something else.

BM and DH are EXs for a reason. Since you are Wife #2, you SHOULD know the reasons for that breakup. It might give you some insight into her behavior.

I guess I phrased it poorly

I guess I phrased it poorly They aren't my friends. They're on her list and the conversation that occurred was on her page, so that's why I could see it as well as them.

That makes a lot of sense, though, and that's what we're aiming for now. We just want things to be, at the very least, peaceful. We don't have to talk regularly or anything; we just want to be able to have some level of trust when she says something. I would rather not have every interaction with her be overshadowed by, "Do you really mean this?" or "That's great, but what are you saying to people when we aren't listening?" in the back of my mind. I guess it's more because I don't want it rubbing off on the kids, who are still fairly young and have that hurt their relationships with their dad and me, especially since we see them so little in comparison.

It wouldn't be the first time, anyway - she's let things "slip" in the past a couple of times (once about the fact that I was staying with their dad before he had a chance to tell them he had a gilfriend, others to family members about similar things involving me when the relationship was new and they were clinging onto DH and BM reuniting). Their history is long and a little complex but it was mostly just a lot of change in them both as they got older, a lot of non-compatibilities and a lot of resulting hurts on both ends that neither cared enough about to fix. It was a slow breakdown of everything and, now that you mention it, one of his issues with her was that she would never tell him if something was wrong, and it all ended up coming out in a string of ranting up to 8 years after the things that were bothering her had happened. And, on top of it, as she's religiously conservative and grew up in a similar household, maybe she thinks she needs to ramp up the story and turn DH into a monster to justify it to herself. I dunno. To his face though, she's friendly as anything. *rolleyes*

I guess looking at her history there probably isn't a lot we can change, but it's just such a pain in the ass to deal with, and in reality, I do worry about the kids because I have been there.

Well, you should definitely

Well, you should definitely tell BM that if you are bashed again by her facebook friends, you will have to defriend her. So sorry BM.

Forget the level of trust - she has already shown you that she can not be trusted to tell the truth when confronted. The most you can hope for is civility and politeness at this point. I don't know how forgiving a person you are - but to me, lying is one of the worse things a person can do. It has been said that trust takes years to build and one false statement to ruin. (Don't hold me to that quote )

Hee, no, I hear you. I place

Hee, no, I hear you. I place a lot of value in honesty and for the longest time we've been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt but that's becoming pretty hard to do nowadays.

It's just the effect it could have on the kids I keep getting stuck on; the idea that her childishness in the situation can cause long-term hurt for them as well as for their relationship with their dad is definitely frustrating.

But YOU are not the cause of

But YOU are not the cause of this. It is BM's childish behavour that would cause harm to the kids. All you can do is be the best SM you can to the kids, not matter what crap their BM puts in their heads. You can only change your behavour and mindset, not anyone else's.

And may I say, the fact that you care so much about the kids, speaks volumes about what a great SM you are and will be!

I think we'll try to sit down

I think we'll try to sit down the next time she's there to pick up the kids, which won't be for a few weeks and give it one last shot. If she nods and says she gets it and then turns around and continues the same BS, at least we know we tried, I suppose.

And thank you, They really are great kids; reading through some other peoples' situations makes me realize that I'm pretty lucky. Hopefully it continues as they get older and if she does badmouth us to them they'll eventually be able to think for themselves about us.

Oh Girl the BM in your life

Oh Girl the BM in your life is a manipulator! Watch out and dont trust the kindness she shows to your face. I may be a little jaded but I have learned from experience.

My DHs Ex went to school with both of us, we all have known each other since middle school. When we started dating and I came up for a visit the first time she had to come over to visit. All sweet and smiles and hugs. My DH told me dont trust her sweetness. Little did I know she had already told him that he needed to go back to his old girlfriend and not start things up with me. He told me much later of this conversation.

When I moved up here she tried to be friend me. Wanting us to be like best buds and work out together, shop together. Always asking to take my BD ( who is 5 years older then SD) to go do things with her. I always excused myself politely from doing so and only allowed my BD to go shopping with them one time. Little did I know the whole time she was being sugar sweet she had told people that we had grown up with that I was the reason their marriage ended. These rumors got back to my DH who just laughed them off. He didnt tell me and neither did anyone else for a long time. I guess they were trying to spare my feelings or something. Anyway long story short when we were down visiting with some old class mates at a party several of the women would whisper when I walked up and were extremely rude. I have a very gentle nature about myself so I didnt understand. Finally my DH could see what was going on and told me what had been said. My gentle nature left and I was more then angry. You see my DH and I reconnected at our 20 year reunion but only as friends because he just went through their divorce. He asked if I would like to go out and I declined the invitation. Two years later we were at another party with friends and I said yes. I didnt want to be the rebound girl. The BM was the one who ended the marriage due to an affair with her boss and I knew he needed to heal. Instead of owning what she did she placed blame on us. All I can say is Karma is a B_tch. Now when she and I are face to face I must have a look on my face that says dont mess with me because she is so nervous, still tries to do the pretend like we are buds to an extent but seriously cant look me in the eye.
Whatever you say I would be careful and I honestly think I would do it through email so that your words cant be twisted to the kids.

Good Luck and watch your back

Yikes, I'm sorry you had to

Yikes, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Parts are very similar to the kind of ideas her friends have about our relationship (though to us she swears she knows it isn't true and that her friends are just projecting - which, in all fairness, may be true to an extent but BM seems to conveniently forget to mention things, as well ;)) so I can imagine.

I think what we're trying to do with switching from e-mail to in person is we're hoping it has more of an effect. E-mail or IM is the most common way DH and I interact with her, and as I've said, she's very good at typing a lot without saying anything or responding directly to anything you ask. On the phone she does similar things but always has a reason to get off the phone and/or a subject change lined up. In-person, when the kids are in our house and we can see that she doesn't need to rush to them or go to an appointment (which sometimes is probably legit, but she could make time to call back if she valued that communication as much as she says she does) and when she can't end an e-mail on an abrupt public relations note. I think it may help to look her in the eye and calmly but firmly let her know the bullsh*t needs to stop and DH thinks it'll probably be the most effective way to approach it, especially if I let her know the kind of effect it can and does have on the kids from my own experience - manipulative and sneaky as she is with DH and I sometimes, at the end of the day she IS a great mother and the kids are her world, so even if she won't do it for us, maybe we can at least get it ramped down for them. *shrug*

That helps that she is a good

That helps that she is a good mother....gives you a chance at working with her and resolving this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers that she is receptive to your words.

My BM is not a good mother and there in lies the diffrence. Her manipulation even includes SD. Mom is creating a child just like herself as SD is picking up on how it can be worked. All I can do is hold my breath, watch my back and stay firm on the rules of our home. I have gone as far as to even correct SD when she was playing BM in the entry way of our home.

Please let me know how things go for you as I always love to hear a succes story.....Gives Hope!

Thanks, that's sweet of you.

Sorry the BM in your situation is so unpleasant. When any parent manipulates their child that way, it's so sad in so many ways. I hope as your SD gets older she'll be able to break free from that more and be her own person.

She is a clever manipulator

She is a clever manipulator just plain and simple. My DH kids BM is the same all smiles in your face I want things to work out but behind your back it is something else. MY skids BM claims she doesn't want to interfer with DH and my relationship with the kids but she does. Has told old friends that once know DH and her that he does not pay child support and even told this to his cousin. She even told people that I hit one of the kids. Told differnt people that DH does want anything to do with the kids and she has to do it all on her own even had the children believing this. So watch out she is just being manipulative with the whining and look at what he has done feel sorry for me attitude.

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Sort of a... unique BM situation...