Mom wants to change SS's name to hers
Well,
We have just had a great weekend to celebrate our Case Conference going extremely well last week.BM got almost nothing of what she was asking for and basically got her a@@ handed to her by the judge...(wish I could have been there)!
The only problem is as I mention in a previous post, my hubby and I have not seen his kids since Christmas as they treat us like we exist only to provide for them and they make us feel like they don't even want to be at our home. So, we have decided to call them on it and say they can't come unless they themselves ask. SS are 14 and 11.
So the oldest SS14, wrote his Dad a letter and gave it to BM to give to to him after court. She handed it to him and said that she hadn't read it, YA RIGHT !!!! Here is how it goes.
Dear Dad (then his full name in brackets)
I would like to change my last name to my Mom's name. This is not because I don't love you anymore, but because you refuse to see us. I find in strage that you didn't see SS11 on his birthday. My mom has tried over and over again to convince you to see us. The last time she asked you, your responce was, "are you f*(*&^ kidding me"? Come on Dad, stop the lying.
Has anyone had this experience when the BM tried to change their name to her maiden name. We are ready to say go for it to be honest.She has been threatening to do this for years, and they have been using her name on Facebook, Msn, etc. The kids told us that its because her name is easier to spell. Which is probably true as they hardly ever go to school, so they probably can't even spell their last name. I think its just more evidence of PAS, and revenge as we have beaten her in court every time.
I am just curious to see what other people did in this situation.
Maybe your DH could write
Maybe your DH could write him a letter to this effect:
Dear SS,
I recently received your letter about changing your last name. That will not be happening. Even though I have not seen you, I have continued to support you financially. In the future, these are issues that need to be left to your mother and I to discuss.
I would love to see you, but until you are willing to display a more respectful attitude towards both myself and overmyhead, I cannot allow you to come to my house.
I love you very much, and I hope that we can work things out.
Love,
Dad
He could email this to SS or send it to him over FB. That way, he has documented proof that he sent it.
I disagree with the approach
I disagree with the approach that he doesn't see them unless they ask. When dealing with a Hostile Aggressive Parent like this, and the children are suffering from signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome, the last thing you need to do is NOT see them (in my opinion.) In my own experience, my son went through this between the ages of 12-14. He moved to live with his Dad when he was 12 and I agreed because I thought "boys need their fathers." Little did I know that there would be a campaign against me to attempt to alienate him completely from me. For over a year he wouldn't come see me and I didn't push it. Ultimately, it worked out and he is now 20 and we have a wonderful relationship. However, I lost time with him by handling it that way and could have possibly lost him forever. So this time, when my daughter began going through that (she also went to live with her father 2 years after her brother did because she missed her brother) and started telling me she didn't want to come up here, it was her choice, yadda yadda yadda, I fought tooth and nail for 9 months to get my visitations and I make her come EVERY time. Or, I will agree to exchange a weekend if she has something going on. It's the best thing I ever did and our relationship is good because being with me counter acts everything she is hearing from her BF.
To be honest Secondbest09, I
To be honest Secondbest09, I have a feeling you might just be right. I think we may have made a mistake by taking that approach. It has kind of backfired on us. We were hoping to take BM out of the equation, and therefore minimize the damage, and start having the kids call us and want to visit us, instead of driving all that way, when they don't even want to see us.
I think we just played right into her hands.
I have no doubt it will eventually work out.....We are good parents, and its never too late.
Just how to fix it. And, if we go really really deep.....How badly to I/We want to???
Every town has an Elm Street
I think the reality is that
I think the reality is that they DO want to see their father. It's very rare that kids of divorce don't want a relationship with both parents. It's just hard when they live with one that does every thing they can to ruin the relationship with the other. I know that my BD14 doesn't call me or remember to tell me about school events, etc. It's because (unfortunately) her SM really IS an evil woman and my daughter gets reprimanded in subtle ways for WANTING to have a relationship with me, so she acts as if she doesn't. So, I just took matters into my own hands and contacted the school, coaches, etc with copies of the divorce papers showing we have joing custody and a copy of the law stating I'm entitled to all the information her father is. I show up at things, I ask about her grades, etc when she's here and THAT shows her that I do care despite what she might be hearing from her BF and SM. She knows deep inside that I love her but sometimes it's just easier for her to act like she doesn't. I wonder if that is what your DH boys are going through. If he FORCES the visitations, contacts schools, and does everything he can to show them he DOES care about their life, it will work out in the long run. And I definitely wouldn't let the last name be changed.
I agree with you. When PAS
I agree with you. When PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) is going on, it's essential that the kids go on their visits with Dad, even if it means forcing them to come over and having the cops go to BM's house. I used to be against the kids seeing that but PAS has to be fought.
My opinion is that
My opinion is that visitation is visitation. Courts consider it mandatory and so should the NCP. If the CP or the kids balk, pull the Court Order, roll it up and beat the snot out of them with it (figuratively of course). NCPs time is NCPs time and it is not discretionary for either the CP or the kids.
This perspective may seem strange coming from a guy married to the NCP and who has to deal with a toxic, vitriolic SpermClan (NCP and his parents/family). However, if I were in a situation where I was the NCP that is how I would approach this issue.
I can understand the desire to have the kids be pleasant in their requests to spend time with dad and I can understand that it would be nice if the kids actually acted like they wanted to see and spend time with dad. Since that is apparently not the case, play the Court Order/Judgment card and tell BM and the kids that either they get on the damned plan to visit in compliance with the court order or BM is going to jail for interfering with dad's relationship with his children.
I would run her manipulative ass through the ringer regularly were I your DH.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
I was actually talking to my
I was actually talking to my sister about this yesterday. My mother changed our last name to our stepfathers last name. It was very traumatic for us. And as an adult, a married adult who uses both last names, maiden and married, I am actually going to go about getting it legally changed back to my fathers last name. I am going to try to undo the adoption, and say that since stepfather is not my biodad, that he shouldn't be on my birthcertificate.
It is VERY traumatic. My sister actually cried when my mother changed it. I am part of a family, my biodad's family. I am a part of him. I have sisters and brothers, cousins, aunts,and uncles with the same last name. And it is very important for me to change my last name.
As the biodad I think your dh has a right to contest the changing of his sons last name. I would highly suggest that he contest it. His son is too young to make that decision on his own right now.
I agree 100%. It is clearly
I agree 100%. It is clearly an act of revenge, which in turn, maybe we should read as a cry for help. So so so hard to be the better person sometimes. Especially when our feelings are hurt too!
Every town has an Elm Street
As for the name change .....
As for the name change ..... Not no but hell no! Not until they are 18 and then only after you review the will with them noting that if they change their names they get $1 and nothing else.
Though I have no biospawn, if the kid is mine it has my name. I have repeatedly offered to adopt my son. He says "Why, you will still be my dad even if you don't adopt me" which is entirely true.
My parents have SS in their will as a full heir if he is adopted by me before his 18th B-day. If not, he gets a significant lump sum inheritance but nowhere near a full heir share.
I know that in today's society a child having the last name of the father should not be a big deal but it is an issue that I am very traditional on.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)