how can i make these feelings go away?
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Seek therapy. Stepping is hard but if it is actually making you sick, you need to get help. Good Luck.

Yes, seek therapy, quickly. Thinking of kids as mistakes and bastard children is terribly unhealthy.

Don't feel bad though or be hard on yourself. I don't have any bio-kids, but I went through something similar and felt and thought horrible things about my skids. A lot of it tied directly into the crazy behavior of their mother, but I got to the point where the sound of them coming up the driveway made my skin crawl and made me want to throw up. When they were at their most bratty, manipulative and selfish I would think of them in my mind as "Mistake #1" and "Mistake #2." It made me feel better to have a mean little outlet in my imagination to help channel the frustration without hurting anyone. It goes without saying that other than the phase where I hid in my room and wasn't around much, I have always been great with my skids and they love me and want to hang out with me constantly. I have put a lot of time, money and energy into doing things to improve their lives and happiness. Even though I had their best interests at heart, I couldn't stand them and felt trapped and panicky about having them in my life to the extent that they were. I felt completely invaded and even though I knew I was getting step-kids before I married, there is no way I could have really known what I was getting in to. My older skid has autism and he is developmentally and socially at least two years behind his age. My younger skid doesn't know how to get his needs met directly and so is manipulative, sneaky and passive aggressive. He lies with no apparent guilt and has extreme problems with verbal expression. Both kids have speech impediments and horrible memories. They are barely capable of learning and it takes many repetitions to get even the most basic idea into their heads. Anyway, they are challenging kids and have a lot of inherent problems, but things were almost unbearable at one point and I felt very similarly to how you feel now. I think what makes it a million times worse is feeling trapped and invaded. When it really, really hits you that these kids that you dislike and distrust are going to be in your life forever and that you have to share the most vulnerable, intimate parts of your life with them it can be extremely overwhelming and upsetting. On top of that, right after having a new baby, you have a lot of hormones and they can affect the protective instinct. You have a vulnerable, precious life to protect and it's one thing to be an adult without kids dealing with troubled skids and another thing to deal with that same troubled skid and have a newborn baby to protect and take care of. It's exhausting to be a new mother in the best circumstances, but add the stress that's caused by your anxieties, I can see why you are running on edge and so upset.
For me, the thing that changed it was that I had it out with my husband and came close to getting my own apartment. We had a big fight and I said horrible things about his kids and even made him cry. Once things calmed down and I had made it clear that I was putting my foot down about the kids and expected certain concessions. I insisted that we change the custody schedule to give us more time to ourselves and days without skids, for me. We had them every day and most of it was homework, video games and dinner and then we sent them back to BM. There was no quality time and no time to actually have a positive influence or improve their behavior. With the new schedule, we have plenty of time to ourselves, a date night, I have time to myself and our time with the skids is longer and more quality. With the new schedule BM also had to kick in and actually provide some of the meals and childcare too. I probably went too far with my rebellion, but the result was great. After I had asserted myself and felt like I got a lot of resentment out of my system things slowly started to change. I was more relaxed, more of my needs were being met, I felt like I had control of my own life again, and I generally felt like the air was cleared. The skids still irritate me and make me angry from time to time, but my feelings towards them are a million times better than they used to be. I didn't go to counseling for this, but it probably would have helped. I would highly recommend it because you are at a time and in a situation where you need all the support and extra help you can get and it might be really helpful to have a sympathetic ear and an experienced, professional perspective.

I just wanted to let you know that there are people who sympathize and know where you've been. You are not a bad person, a bad mother or a bad step-mother for thinking these thoughts. You are human and any new mom in this situation would probably feel the same. Sit down and really figure out what your needs are and which ones aren't being met. If you need more time, a specific schedule, more privacy, date night etc...figure it out and talk to your husband about working out a new situation. You will have to compromise on some things (and so should your husband) but you should be able to work something out that gives you more control and a better schedule for your skid. Over time, it's more than likely that you will feel a lot better about things and figure out a way to have your family life with your baby and husband and little segments of your life where you have to deal with the skid. Whatever you need to do to feel better about having a skid in your life. Also when things settle down with awful BMs it almost always helps the skid situation. Hopefully things on that front will positively affect your skid situation over time.

Anyway, that's my take on it. I say hang in there and don't get bogged down with guilt over feelings that you can't control anyway. I'm sure you are perfectly good with your skid. Take the pressure off yourself and let things happen at their own speed. Make sure your needs are being met and give yourself some breathing room about this. Maybe take up a stress relieving hobby like yoga or kickboxing. I knit, garden, write and draw and they are great outlets for me and something I make time for and have as a priority just for me. When I am happy and fulfilled in my own life and my relationship with H is solid, I am much better able to deal with BM drama and skid frustrations. You only have to deal with one day at a time and it will more than likely improve dramatically over time. Good luck!

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

How can a child invade their own home? Whether you recognize the fact or not the home of a parent is the child's home. Even in blended families.

Your attitude and reaction to your SS speaks much more about you than it does the child. However, you can fix this.

Early in my relationship with my wife (then my girl friend) I had what I can only describe as a visceral over reaction to anything her son (no my ss) did. If he pulled magazines off of a coffee table I would go ballistic, if he would not eat his peas (what 1yr old actually likes peas?) the finish the food battle would be on.

What finally clicked for me on this issue is that I would chew on my feelings over these minor issues for hours after they occurred. What I finally realized is that I was disturbed by my actions in these situations and not by the baby's behavior. He was a great kid, I was an asshole.

So, I fixed my problem. It took some time and I had periodic flare ups but ultimately I realized that I loved the kid because I chose to love him. I behaved like I loved him ....... so ultimately I loved him.

After countless hours of watching Animal Planet with him (he loved that show from age 2 until now) it finally dawned on me that what I was probably experiencing during my flare ups with this issues was purely biological. Fortunately as an intelligent guy (and possibly delusional)I also realized that unlike Lions or Bluebirds, etc ...... I can control my inherent mammalian reactions of having an issue with some other male's progeny in my home.

From that point forward the incidents declined. There have been no flare ups for years.

Just my thoughts and experience of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Amen Sugarstep, I could have said it better myself!

To a childless, single woman providing for herself, suddenly having children in your home can feel like an invasion. In my situation, I had a one bedroom apartment that I had lived in for about three years. It was beautiful and peaceful and my little refuge from the stresses of work and school and the outside world. When I got together with H, he and the skids moved into MY space, MY home. I think it helps a lot if newly married couples with kids from previous relationships get a new place to live, where neither has lived before, alone or with an ex. That way everything is new to everybody and there aren't weird territorial issues and less feelings of invasion. My skids were very young and extremely badly behaved when I first married my husband. BM is a horrible mother, but she and H parenting together was even worse. He tried desperately to discipline the kids fairly and to set up some sort of stable structure for them. BM actively fought against him and sabotaged all his efforts with the skids. It was a total nightmare and the bottom line is that they produced two children that are in special ed at school for behavior problems and back then their behavior was so bad that they couldn't be taken in public without full on shrieking, flailing on the sidewalk temper tantrums over the smallest things. H said the motivating factor that made up his mind to leave BM was the effect their parenting was having on the skids. He stayed with her as long as he did because he was scared that if she was on the market again, she would bring creepy, sleazy men into the boys lives (which she has). He realized that he needed to weigh possible future risks to the kids versus current damage that could be eliminated. He knew that even with BMs influence, he would still be able to make a huge positive improvement in his kids by being able to parent them without BM. We see exactly eye to eye on almost everything related to parenting and we have had endless, in depth conversations about our theories, experiences, opinions and ideas about how we are parenting and we have had huge success. Because we have discussed everything and know where we stand with each other and exactly what the other thinks we were able to come up with a stable family structure and discipline system that has worked miracles with the skids. The skids respect and obey both of us equally and they know that H and I stand behind each other no matter what, we are definitely a united front. If we disagree, we go to a private space, not in front of the skids and we talk it out until we can come to an agreement. We haven't had any problems with this style and it's just transformed the skids lives. BM is miserable and ashamed because, like a shrieking hag, she blew all kinds of steam about how much we were damaging the skids by "destroying" their "family" and how much it would hurt them. What has actually happened is that the skids are a million times happier, better behaved and healthier. She liked to go on and on about how I was a horrible torment that her precious children had to endure and made a big fuss about me and my impact on them. As we predicted, the kids adore me and have become a lot happier since their parents split up and we got married. Both have verbalized repeatedly that they want to live with us full time and they constantly say how much they prefer me to their mom. Of course they still love her, but her heinous parenting style has ensured that the kids don't feel safe or confident with her and they have absolutely no respect for her. She initially claimed to be the better parent and then proceeded to be made a complete fool. We have a parenting style that works wonderfully for the skids and when they are with us, for the most part, they are well behaved and improving all the time. They do chores, their own laundry, we expect them to not swear, to be polite and respectful, no fighting or hitting, videos and tv are limited, and we have a very specific rules system with specific pre-specified consequences. Such as, "If you hit or physically attack your brother or anyone else you will go to time-out for - minutes (one minute per year of age, so SS5=5mins, SS11=11mins.) and then apologize and lose all video or tv time that day. Just super basic rules and consequences. At one point, H and I couldn't believe it because, in desperation, BM asked us what rules we have and how we enforce them!!! She said she was having problems with both boys (duh!) and wanted to know how we were getting him to behave. We told her that we would prefer to keep our lives as separate as possible, but referred her to local parenting classes. She got pissed and hasn't mentioned it since, although it's very obvious that she is upset and embarrassed because the skids are so obviously different with us than with her. They tow the line with us and are rude, physically rough and contemptuous with her. My jaw has dropped at some of the things SS11 has said to his mother, only to get her embarrassed, whiny and weak remonstrations to him to behave with no follow through of consequences.

In general I agree with the whole 'something wrong with you, not the kids' thing, but I actually think in a lot of cases it is the kids. Some kids are heinous little brats and I would much rather have a pet monkey. Even with the worst brat in the world, it is a tragedy and they are a victim of child abuse, in my opinion. I'm not saying it's their fault and I never forget the influence of the neglectful and incompetent adults in their lives. My skids can be holy terrors. They can be manipulative, deceitful, out of control, nasty, and rude. They make the choice to have those behaviors and I hold them personally responsible for their behavior, but I never forget that the reason they are the way they are is because of their background. They can't help who their mother is and they can't help that she shouldn't be around kids and should never have had them. She has raised two developmentally delayed, unintelligent and out of control kids. H has a lot of guilt about his part in that and feels like he failed them by not leaving BM sooner. My point here is that it's not accurate to throw all the children's bad behavior on the shoulders of the SM or SD. Any adult that WANTS and ENJOYS being around rude, obnoxious, stupid, selfish and problem causing children has a problem in my opinion. It is a natural reaction to recoil from the extremely unpleasant environment that includes horribly behaved children. Who can honestly say that they like that? If you do, you may have some sado-masochistic issues going on! There is nothing wrong with me because I couldn't stand my skids at a certain point. I was having the only sane reaction a person could have. You would have to be crazy or a liar to say that you enjoy or had warm and fuzzy feelings for the kind of skids I had. I am an extremely nice person and I genuinely care about people. I have a large, loving family and a nephew that I worship. I have a strong personal faith and personal ethics that I live by. I love animals and children and I adore babies. I threw myself into being a step-mom with extreme gusto and was the best I could possibly be. I got completely burnt out and wound up hating my skids. That doesn't make me, or any SM, a bad person. It means I am normal and had normal reactions. Bio-parents all think their children are these amazing little miracles and it's often, from my perspective, complete delusion. They don't get that the majority of the rest of the world does not find their child appealing, pleasant or attractive in any way. It's that biological imperative and step-parents don't have the hormone and genetic bond that bio-parents do and so they see the children with a little more subjectivity. I saw the flaws of my skids and then due to the situation magnified them in my own mind for a while and then calmed down again. I am at a place where I care for my skids and even enjoy being around them. I will never love them like I love my nephew, but I am their step-mom and take the role seriously. I do my absolute best to be there for them and to help raise them into self sufficient, somewhat normal and socially appropriate men. They can step on my last nerve but they can also warm my heart and bring out my maternal instinct. I feel like I have a very balanced view of them, where I care and am very involved, but I also don't blindly think that they are handsome little geniuses and destined to be the most handsome quarter back and valedictorian as well as Peace Core workers and future rock stars. Even though BM can barely be around her kids in public without breaking down crying because she is so embarrassed that they are so rude and out of control, she still acts like they are the most handsome, talented and attractive children ever to be born. It's so crazy, but biology is a powerful thing. Anyway, my issues with my skids were not due to some deep seeded issue of mine, trust me I analyzed the heck out of myself and am very self critical. I didn't need to look "within myself" for the problem. Having two severely emotionally damaged kids suddenly in my life was the problem. They are challenging and problematic kids and they will never be the kind of sunshiny and normal kids that most are. My nephew is incredible and I can't help comparing them. He is two years younger than my youngest skid, but is way more advanced in almost every area. SS5 has a round, fat looking face that he keeps expressionless and has a creepy stare. He literally does not know how to smile and so when he is supposed to smile he pulls his mouth back in a grimace that bares his teeth. He's awkward and ugly and gives other kids the creeps. He is really jealous and petty and has a very hard time sharing his toys. He is incredibly self serving and greedy and is always trying to get the best deal for himself, even if it means stealing other kids stuff when their back is turned. He's just a really ugly, creepy kid and has a bad affect on most people he meets. He is rude and people think he's shy and so they're nice to him and try to draw him out and he just sulks and then will suddenly shout in their face or say something extremely rude or offensive. He just doesn't like people and it shows and affects how they treat him. My nephew on the other hand is the exact opposite. In looks, he doesn't have the white trash genes that BMs family does, so he is extremely adorable and going to be a very handsome guy. He has big blue eyes, double dimples and the biggest, sweetest smile with lots of adorable, tiny white teeth. He is hilarious, sweet, affectionate, imaginative, friendly, upbeat, loving, thoughtful, sensitive and just plain wonderful. He is very well behaved and has wonderful social skills and lots of friends. Everyone who meets him can't help smiling and everyone loves him almost instantly. He's a little clown and he inherited his mom's charm and performance ability. He's in the top of his class in the percentiles in all areas and his teachers said that his strongest area is verbal and social. He's just a little dream guy and the light of my life. I am biased to a certain extent because I am his auntie and have been there since the beginning, but even to a neutral outsider, he is an obviously outstandingly sweet and adorable little guy. It's so different to hang out with him and have him charm everyone and make people smile and laugh everywhere and then to be with the skids and to expend all my energy to make sure they don't embarrass or offend anyone. Strangers are initially nice and friendly and when they get sulky glares from SS5 and priggish, self-centered and almost incomprehensible ramblings about video games from SS11, they usually wind up with a stiff and frozen smile on their face and make excuses to get away. We live in a small town and I've had random people come up to me and say they are sorry for me that I have to step-parent the boys. I have also been told twice by people I see everywhere but don't personally know, that I have transformed the boys and worked wonders with them. It was a really nice but surprising experience to have strangers comment on something like that.

Anyway, basically, some kids are way more difficult to parent than others. Some kids are damaged and some are beyond reach or lost causes from the step-parent point of view. If you are a step-parent and find yourself overwhelmed with anxiety, anger, guilt, worry etc...that doesn't necessarily mean there is anything wrong with you. Every situation is different and every kid is different. Every step-mom is too, for that matter. It's not fair to generalize and say that it's something wrong with the SM, when often, it really is the kids.

That's not to say that it's always carte blanche, the children's fault, but every situation is unique and it can just be the situation itself that is the main problem. Everyone should always continue to try to grow as people and as parents, I fully support that. I constantly work on myself and try to be the best person I can and just because I know that I'm a nice person doesn't mean that I don't have to constantly work on and improve myself. Everyone should, regardless of their situation...

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

I hate my step-kids too. Cant stand thinking about them, cant stand being around them. My DH is away "our week" so he is only here "their week" so I miss him when he is away but hate it when he is here because then it is just stress. We have a 2 1/2 year old together and he does much more with the ss's than he does with her, we constantly fight about it - you had better prepare yourself for that as your child is only 2 months now - Thankfully she doesnt look like ss9 though so I havent had to suffer that although there is the once in a blue moon comparison and that makes me cringe - probably quite obviously. Doesnt help that he gets spoilt by DH and by his mother who is ALWAYS talking about how great he is, I want to grab her and say shut the fuck up!! I cant stand to hear about him one more second!! her daughters (DH's sisters) feel the same way so Im not alone. They favor him.

DH is my soul mate, I know that, so I must have chosen this path before I was born, Im supposed to learn something from this mess or I dont know. Every time I think, maybe I should just go back to England and split up with DH, but my soul doesnt believe that, I literally cannot imagine splitting up with him its an unbearable thought. But I cant accept the ss's either. So Ive told him, leave me alone, I dont display how I feel (to which he says they feel what I feel and I say I cant help how I feel on the inside and I wont control that or I will breakdown) I still wash the house, cook, wash clothes - they do nothing. I talk to them if required, Im never mean but I will shout if they dont listen. Im just counting down the days till they are 20. t-minus 10 and 8 years.

and FYI you are not a bad person, mother etc. Im not either. I know Im not, its this situation messes with you and is totally tiring. Im tired and weary to the max. Its like I cant take anymore but I know I cant leave. weird feeling. And also, our house isnt their home in my mind either...I expect them to ask before they go in the fridge or take anything, its not a hotel. But they cant be bothered to say please or thankyou 99% of the time so whatever.

I wish something good would happen!!!!!!!!

It does have a lot to do with genetic bonds and unconditional bio-love. I love my step-dad and consider him my dad, but it didn't happen quickly or painlessly. He was a horrible step-father at first (a 21 year old with no bio-kids taking on three young step-daughters) and during my teens I had three or so years where we were on such bad terms that I wouldn't speak to him. We got through it all and he changed and grew as a person and so did I. He came into my life when I was seven and I am twenty-eight now. He is my dad now, but it took a lot of time!

I have that unconditional love for my nephew so I understand the feeling. I also understand the protective instincts of a new mom. Especially when my nephew was younger, I watched the skids with him like a hawk. SS11 was always good with him and very, surprisingly, affectionate and careful. SS5 on the other hand has been horrible to him since the beginning and it's all out of jealousy. On top of the fact that I clearly love him like he's my own, my SS5 can also see that Nephew is way more appealing and liked than he is with almost everyone we meet and know. People give SS5 attention when they first meet him and are almost always repulsed by his behavior and everyone instantly loves my nephew. The differences between them become glaringly obvious and they get completely and wildly different reactions from both strangers and friends. 99 times out of 100, SS5 will ignore or be rude to anyone that is kind or friendly to him. He has no social skills and no inherent friendliness or good natured personality. He is slow and not very smart and has a lot of problems expressing himself. I sit and patiently listen to him try to explain the most basic things and he can barely stammer his way through it, doesn't usually make sense and always makes giant grammatical mistakes and refuses to correctly use the tenses ("I brangded my bear to school today, SM, he maded my backpack heavy") even though he knows how to speak correctly. He is unfriendly and rarely smiles, using his fake grimace most of the time, and when people are nice to him he just gets cold and withdrawn and comes across as sulky and rude. Nephew on the other hand is a ray of sunshine. He is super smiley, cuddly and affectionate and smiles and hugs a lot. He is very outgoing and silly and loves to clown around and make people laugh. He can get shy and will hide his face in my neck and blush if he gets embarrassed, but generally he is a good sport and a few seconds after he is embarrassed he will recover and be making people smile again. He is extremely intelligent and unlike the skids, who tested into the retarded range of the I.Q test, is at the top of his class and in the 90th percentile in every area. He has a vivid imagination and comes up with the most hilarious scenarios. Playing with him is actually fun! He's extremely sensitive and kind with animals, babies and other kids. He is very gentle and sweet and is always trying to get people bandaids and ice packs if they get hurt. I was just at his house today and have bandaids all over my legs from shaving nicks and when I sat down my sweatpants (yes it was one of those days) got pulled up so Nephew got a glimpse of my bandaids and stopped playing wildly, came over to the couch, pulled up my sweats and said, "Hmmm, what's going on here?" and then ran to get his plastic stethescope. He listened to my leg with a very realistic doctors frown and then said, "You poor kitty cat, I give you medicine to fix your legs" He made me take a sip of juice from his sippy cup and then proceeded to kiss the top of every bandaid! He said, "all better!" and carefully pulled my sweats back down. He just radiates sweetness and has the funniest facial expressions and way of saying things. Unlike the skids, he has had a loving, intelligent, competent mother since birth and has been given more than enough love, attention, nurturing and positive example from her and the rest of my family. He was held almost constantly as a baby and has been provided with the best educational and high quality toys and lots of gentle and loving care. He has been encouraged to be empathetic and kind and his verbal abilities are through the roof. Right now he is in that toddler stage between babyhood and being a little boy and it's so much fun. He is wild and crazy and super fun to play with and will laugh and make me laugh for hours and will resist anything that isn't appropriate for a "big and tall boy" as he calls himself. But then, once he gets tired and cranky and has had dinner and a bath, all he wants is a "ba-ba" and to cuddle up on the couch with Auntie and watch Finding Nemo or Shark Tale. When he falls alseep he looks like a little angel with his chubby little cheeks, button nose and perfect little tiny facial features and lots of fluffy blonde hair. His genetic background, his loving and nurturing home life and his natural personality and attitude all combine to give him the best possible combination and he is just a little sweetheart. It's not just his crazy, devoted auntie that thinks this either. He is pretty much adored wherever he goes and has a heart melting affect on everyone that meets him.

I am extremely protective of him and I'm glad I am because SS5 once did attack Nephew, unprovoked and I have kept an eagle eye on him ever since. Nephew is always excited to see the boys and thank God SS11 is nice to him or else it would break my heart to see him be so excited and then be treated so rudely by SS5. The rules are very clear and if SS5 breaks them with Nephew, he gets instant consequences. I knew he was jealous, but I think about a year ago, SS5 went up to Nephew's back when he thought I wasn't looking and hit him and tried to wrest his new Spiderman backpack from him because he wanted it and was jealous. He simply wanted something that wasn't his and he was jealous because it was new and Nephew was excited about it and so his response was to hit a child two years younger and try to take what he wanted. I shut him down so fast his head was spinning. I saw the whole thing and SS5 made it worse for himself by lying to me and saying that, for no reason, Nephew hit him and he was just defending himself! He got every consequence possible for that and I wouldn't allow them to be alone together ever again. SS5 wasn't sorry he hit Nephew, he was sorry he got caught and that is more disturbing than anything. So yeah, I couldn't love my nephew more and he is genetically related to me and I have been there since he was born (well before that actually) so I do have that bio-love, but I also see what a great and adorable kid he is and am proud of the little person he is turning into and I can clearly see the skids and their flaws and why they are the way they are. The bottom line is that I am not, under any circumstances, going to let a damaged, mentally ill child negatively affect my nephew. I want him to be able to deal with any person life throws at him, so I am letting them play together, but I monitor everything carefully and there is no way I would let them play alone. Nephew is just too sweet and trusting and I want him to be a little stronger and tougher so I know I can not worry as much when playing with SS5.
The idea of expecting adults to have instant, tight bonds with random children is just ridiculous. Yes, I know from personal experience that you can have an extremely tight and loving relationship with a step-parent, but I know that it takes time and can only happen in it's own time and place. Kids always deserve basic good treatment and I go above and beyond with my skids, but I don't put any pressure on myself to love or like them because I know it only happens naturally and over time. As children, they deserve my compassion, caring, kindness, and thought, but love and friendship are something that have to be earned and don't happen automatically. If you automatically loved your skids the moment you met them, that love would have absolutely zero meaning, because it would mean you are capable of "loving" random children automatically and the love's value goes way, way down. If you can love any random kid than what value does that love have? I may love my skids in my own way, but it won't ever compare to what I feel for my nephew, who I would walk in front of a bus to save.

And I also agree that the invasion is more symbolic and emotional than anything else. The house may be the children's home, at least half the time, but it takes an adjustment process to get used to living with children. If you clash with the kids or have any conflict or unresolved emotions regarding them, it is natural and let the process heal naturally. It can be extremely hard to open up your space to include kids you don't like or relate to and it's not easy and can take years and years.

Well, that's pretty much all I had to add. I understand the power of bio-bonds because I am affected by them myself. With lots of effort and even more luck, hopefully someday my skids will be cool enough people that they won't give people the creeps and are able to make friends and reach people with something other than pity.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

I TOTALLY disagree with people who say that Evilstepmother's attitude is unhealthy and wrong. It's natural. It doesn't make her a bad person. And I think this forum is not a place to attack someone for their feelings. I think some people forget that just because someone is saying all these horrible things about their skids, it doesn't mean they are saying them TO the skids or act mean towards the skids.

This is a place to vent; this is what venting is. Let's not attack people who use this forum as an outlet for their feelings. Just because someone says they hate their skids, it doesn't mean they beat them up and yell at them and are ready to kick them out on the street.

I don't care for my sd and I do feel like she is intruding in my house. That doesn't mean I am mean to her and treat her badly. This is just how I feel. Feelings are not logical and reasonable; they just are. What we do about those feelings is a different issue.

Evilstepmother, my advice would be to disengage. At some point my feelings towards my sd got so bad because of the way she was acting towards me, I knew I had to step back. I didn't want to be a hateful bitter person every time she was around, so I completely disengaged myself from her. I mean, not even saying hello. Now before someone jumps all over me, she is the one who refused to say hello and goodbye to me and after trying to connect with her, I finally gave up. And guess what, it feels great! So, I suggest you step back and focus on yourself and your baby. It will take a while and you will probably not get rid of all the negative feelings, but at least they won't be as strong.

I get in trouble for not engaging with them though. He wants me to love them and its just too late for that now so I am just civil, keep washing their clothes, washing the house, cooking. thats it. Im not mean to them, Im civil but I hate them. DH says they feel it anyway and that I should control my feelings, I said no, I will not bottle up feelings or suppress them, I really would have a breakdown then!

I am so glad I came upon this site. I started to think that I was an evil person for feeling the way that I do. I am 31 and never married or kids until I met my husband. He had a daughter with his ex-wife and she was not yet born when they divorced. My SD was 3 when we started dating and we had a great relationship. I always felt put on the side when she came to visit. She slept with her dad and so I had the choice of sleeping with them or in her kiddie bed.
Things changed when I got pregnant and married my H. I started to observe how my SD would cry and my husband would give her whatever she wanted. She has been spoiled by her mother, who said will never remarry and lives with parents and by my H. After my daughter came, they dynamics of our relationship changed. I started to see her manipulate and lie to her mother about me. We would receive nasty text messages from BM and I started to get sick when SD came around. She would brag about all her toys, clothes, ect. The BM would send orders in text messages of how her daughter was to be treated. She could never stay the night because she would cry until her dad put her in bed with us. She still sleeps with her mom and she just turned 8. She is soooo insecure. If her dad goes to the bathroom she cries because she can't find him or sits by the door. She cannot be alone. I blame her mother for centering her world on her. She is trying to protect her and coddles her so much it makes me ill. My husband still picks her up at times and carries her when we are out because she is sooo tired.
My feelings on this is I dread when she comes over. She does not know how to share and major fights start between my SD and my BD. I would think a 8yr old would be more mature and know a 3yr old is still learning how to share. My H always takes my SD side and I see how my 3yr old gets cheated. It angers me and I feel anxiety and sick stomach when she comes around. My H and BD have a quiet life when the BM is not texting and my SD is not over here playing wo is me. I don't want to hate anyone but I have a strong dislike for my H's perfect little princess. I feel guilty for my hateful feelings and want to feel like we can be a happy family when she is around too. I just can't seem to calm these ugly feelings of jealousy, hate, dread, and anxiety.
I know one thing, if I knew now how hard it is dating someone with a child already, I would not have done it.
THanks for listening...NAomi

I've not had time to read through all the responses, so apologies if I'm repeating what someone else has already said:

You're son is 2 months old - that means there are still all the hormones to promote attachment to him running through your body (part of the brain does actually close off for a while after giving birth!)

Your maternal instincts are kicking in hard & fast, and so if SS is not behaving how you want for your son, it's a natural thing for you to project this onto him.

Much as I normally disagree with the 'you'll change you're mind in time' argument normally, I think when you've just had a baby it can be the case. In another couple of months your hormones will be returning to normal, hopefully you won't have has many disturbed nights, and you'll be able to review the situation.

I too have a little baby and it really irks me every time someone says baby resembles SD (who looks just like BM), but it doesn't hurt so bad when they say baby resembles SS (because SS looks a lot like DH). But every time it's said, I vent to my husband and he has now come to expect it. The only thing that has changed now is that it used to completely ruin my day as my anger and outrage bubbled over, now after I vent I try to think to myself "How utterly stupid those people are because my baby does not look like BM". When you think of these people as stupid it makes you laugh at them and pity them and not take anything they say seriously. Then I focus on enjoying my day and best of all, enjoying my baby.

I don't think the feelings can go away just like that. You have to let them out and sort them through and rationalize them into different actions other than jealousy, anger and outrage.

There are many things my stepkids do that bother me. Many times I just complain to their dad about it, if he feels it's serious (and many times he doesn't) he'll do something about it. I have however, managed to find, one trait in each stepkid, that I really really like. This helps me to smile with them, compliment them, etc. I also searched for at least one way in which they are just like their dad - who I love with all my heart, so that I see them as an extension of him.

Happy Belated Mother's Day, and stay strong, that baby of yours needs a happy healthy mama.