who enables your skids?

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In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.

In it's true form, then, Enabling behavior means something positive. It's our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

However, when we apply it to certain problems in living - addiction, chronic financial trouble, codependency, certain forms of chronic depression -- enabling behaviors have the reverse effect of what is intended.

Here are some examples...

•Repeatedly bailing them out - of jail, financial problems, other "tight spots" they get themselves into
•Giving them "one more chance" - ...then another...and another
•Ignoring the problem - because they get defensive when you bring it up or your hope that it will magically go away
•Joining them in the behavior when you know they have a problem with it - Drinking, gambling, etc.,
•Joining them in blaming others - for their own feelings, problems, and misfortunes
•Accepting their justifications, excuses and rationalizations - "I'm destroying myself with alcohol because I'm depressed".
•Avoiding problems - keeping the peace, believing a lack of conflict will help
•Doing for them what they should be able to do for themselves -
•Softening or removing the natural consequences of the problem behavior
•Trying to "fix" them or their problem
•Repeatedly coming to the "Rescue"
•Trying to control them or their problem

I have seen on here and with DH and BM where they enable skids to behave the way they do..
for me DH and BM are guilty of:

1. BM trys to bail skids out when it will suit her needs, DH would rather fight with me than deal with the problem at hand, and the skids dont have to deal with it
2. DH and BM always always give one more chance, the skids know they always get the "one more chance"
3. NO ONE brings up anything to the skids.. one will cry at the drop of a dime, the other will get defensive and lie and then shut down.. DH is a big one on letting it go and hoping it will just go away.. (ex. last night SS12 went to bed without eating, his choice, he never said a word to anyone.. because I yelled at him for letting the dog out and not letting him back in cuz the dog is scratching up the door.. he was mad at me so he shut down. he was in bed by 7, and didnt eat, this morn his dad asks why, he said I said he couldnt eat.. grrr. I explain and DH says nothing!)
4. Everyone blames someone for how the skids are.. or what they do.. if SS gets in trouble for something he will break down in tears and blame it on his mom cuz she lies, she left, she does this and that and that is why he walked on the white carpet with his muddy shoes, he always trys to blame her, DH use to give into it, I am putting a stop to that.. but BM blames me for everything, right down to SS glasses being broken .. yeah cuz I was at recess and I threw the ball at his face, duh
5. Accepting their justifications.. goes along with other one...kinda.. they are manipulative and can justify anything.. even if it sounds like bullshit, BM will buy into it.. and sometimes DH (only cuz I wont let him)
6. avoiding problems.. DH is famous for that..cuz we all know that if you just do nothing and say nothing the skids will learn (did ya catch the sarcasm?)
7. .. ok so BM and DH are guilty on most of these.. no need to aggrivate myself by listing them..lol..
pretty much everyone but me is guilty of enabling the skids.. DH trys hard.. sometimes he even wins..

Well.. My steps are little.

But BM coddles them. DH calls BM a pacifist, and it makes him so angry that she baby's them. He tells them to "walk it off" whenever they cry, whine, and scream (literally) for no apparent reason at all.

We have house rules. The kids know that I myself do not give second chances. If I tell you to stop fooling around, or you will get your privilage taken away. Then that is your one and only warning. Because they know that I do not play. I tell them that I do not like to hear I am bored, and I tell them when I am getting upset with their behavior because they are acting up.

I think I would be doing them a great disservice by babying them, because I want them to grow up to be good boys and not bad kids.

my bio kids know if they say

my bio kids know if they say I am bored... then I will find something for them to do and they will NOT like it.. I never hear that from my kids.. SD has even learned.. however, the rules do not apply to SS,just ask him.. he said he was bored.. so I gave him things to do..look, no longer bored..but he was pissed,he was outside throwing bio sons football in the tree, talking to himself, pitching a fit like a baby.. his dad was out there the entire time and chose to ignore it.. I had enough and I went out and said if you dont have the courage to say it to me..then you shouldnt say it at all.. and told him I wanted to know what he said cuz I heard parts of it..he said he hates me, I am stupid, I should be dead, and a bunch of other mean things..his dad said or did nothing..just sat there.. yes by all means please make sure he knows and sees you ignoring whats goin on around you.
Kids need to be responsible for their actions.. and they need to be punished when the talk back or dont follow the rules.. I am pretty much the only one who does that with skids, and bio kids.. unless I treat DH like a child and tell him what he needs to do or say..

I don't think ANYONE, kids,

I don't think ANYONE, kids, stepkids, adults, ect. should be enabled. If you enable someone when they are young, they will not be able to take care of themselves as an adult.

"If I turn into another, Dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me" -Incubus

* "There are two things over

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

In my situation BM is the

In my situation BM is the main enabler. It is because of her that SS12 acts the way he does. Whenever he does something wrong she has to call DH, and if she can't get to him she calls me looking for him, and if that doesn't work, she just ignores the shit and lets him get away with it. That is why he lives with us now because she can't do anything with him. If you allow children to get away with shit continually then the older they get they think it's ok. He has absolutley no respect for her except for when he wants something and when he can't get it then he has an attitude, as if this is suppose to move the world. I stop his ass dead in his tracks. In the end when they grow up the world will be a cold place because they have been babied their whole life. The world damn sure isn't a baby, it's more like a rapist waiting to attack.

and I argue all the time

and I argue all the time enabling them and justifying and defending their actions are just giving them reasons to do it more.. and if they can not or will not follow simple rules, with Ss it is just basic hygene..how in the hell are they going to grow up and be productive members of society. I told DH if he does not change his reactions to things SD will be preg. by the time she is 15, and SS will be the kid who goes to school with a gun and blows everyone away including himself or be in jail .. when DH trys to baby Ss thru things (mostly with expections, nothing out of the ordinary, just like showering and being clean, wiping his ass.. simple things) but DH will baby him thru it and argue with me why he isnt doing it saying it is his mom,she babies him andhe hasnt learned.. come on he is freaken almost 13 yrs old and he cant wipe his ass or knw that he has dirty underwear on and smells a little like urine.. anyways I will walk away and say go ahead and baby him... but dont expect to take money from our kids when he needs his ass bailed out of jail...

In our case, DH,MIL & FIL

In our case, DH,MIL & FIL enable SD18. They have done everything for her. I truly don't know how this girl is going to make it on her own. She's never had to take responsibility for anything in her life. The only thing she's interested in is getting a car & partying. She doesn't want to work, she's supposed to graduate in May but with her grades & attendance I don't know how she's going to. She has no respect for anyone or anything, including herself. No one in her family, including BM, seems to take an interest in her or what's going on in her life - they don't know who her friends are, who/where she hangs out with, what classes she's even taking, her likes/dislikes. I tried taking an interest in her life several times and all I got was kicked in the teeth for my efforts so I gave up after a while. The sad thing is she's going to be on her own next month whether she graduates or not. I can't help but feel sorry for her but you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I believe if DH & the in-laws would have set rules, guidelines, boundaries & such SD18 might be a lot more able to handle real life.

Dup post

DH has coddled and enabled

DH has coddled and enabled SD (26) to the point of crippling her. She lives with us and doesn't seem to be in a big hurry to move out. I told him when she starts working we need to give her a reasonable timeline to find her own place. He doesn't want to do that because he feels she's ready to go and it's not necessary to give her a deadline. BM on the other hand is tough on her which is why she ended up living with the more permissive parent. She didn't even have chores when I moved in because "daddy did everything."

The other night I had a long talk with DH and I told him he's preventing her from becomming the strong, independent, self-reliant, young lady that she was meant to be. I reminded him that he won't always be around and the she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet. I reminded him that she's no longer his little girl and will be 30 in a few years. I think he's starting to see the error of his ways. . I can only hope.

My husband enables my SS to

My husband enables my SS to do nothing with his life and to see the world as if they are picking on him. SS has been trained to take no responsibility for anything. SS is going to be 20 in July. Had I known my husband was going to continue to cater to this adult kid and it'd end up with SS back in my house mooching I would have never married my husband. I'm regretting saying I do because if I had been given the whole agenda I would have run screaming I DON'T!

wow...I could really use a

wow...I could really use a butter cookie right about now...sigh

Both are enablers in my

Both are enablers in my case. BM always says (when Princess acts up or is being a total pain in her ass) "well you know how she is"...wtf No that is how you made her because you let her raise herself with no discipline or boundaries. Same thing with her father...he doesn't do anything but buy her things and cater to her every whim. No consequence to anything she does wrong. Why would anyone want their child to be completely worthless with no hopes or dremas in life but to live off daddy for the rest of her life? Crazy