I'm so full of resentment
So yesterday my DH and I finally had a talk about our children. I confessed that I resented the relationship he had with my daughter. My explanation behind this statement was my daughter (age 14) welcomed him with open arms. They laugh, joke, watch videos and play basketball together. I was so happy that my daughter took to him so well. I was honestly worried b/c sometimes my daughter can be over-protective of me. The relationship they have is so wonderful and I couldn't ask for anything more. However I resent him for it. My loves him, but his children don't like me. I have done nothing to them but it's so obvious and his family knows. His MIL is supportive. I'm just not sure how much more I can take
My DH has to force them to say hello to me. When I come home on Fridays they are normally at the house already. I'll say hello, you can hear crickets chirping. Then my DH will say, didn't someone speak to ya'll. I'll get a very dry hello. Same goes for my daughter. She'll try to talk to SD and she's pretty much talking to a wall. My DH knows all of this and talks to me about it. He wishes our relationship was closer and that his children wouldn't be that way. I told him, they are only 13 and the reason they don't want a relationship with my daughter or I is b/c of the BM. I know our name is mud at her house. The kids are hearing how horrible I am over and over again. Therefore they can't develop a relationship with people who are "the enemy" They would feel like they are betraying their BM. So the adult side of me understands it's not the skids fault. However the human side of me is tired and hurt. My husband plans these family outings wishing we would bond. I talk to them, I get one word answers if they answer me at all. Then my DH will say "didn't you hear someone talking to you" the SD rolls her eyes. The SS just sits and stares in the distance. If we're at home, I'll ask if they want something to eat. I get a no, 5 minutes later they'll ask DH to take them out to eat. I just remind myself that they are kids, it's not their fault...but this line of thinking has run out. Last weekend was all I could take. Nothing out of the ordinary happened....they once again didn't speak, I asked SS a question and he completely ignored me. He was sitting on the couch and I was on the arm of the couch. My DH was there also. I just walked away to our room. I kinda heard DH say something but it didn't matter...of course DH comes to the room shortly to apologize for his kids behavior.
I said we'll talk later, which brought up the conversation yesterday. I explained that part of me understands it's not the kids fault, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I didn't want him to talk to the skids b/c that will only make the situation worse. I know that maybe when they're older they'll see I'm not the monster BM makes me out to be. Right now they live with BM so all they hear is negative things about me and my BC. So asking them to accept of me is asking them to accept the devil. How can I think two kids will like me when all they hear is how horrible I am? So I'm back to being an adult and thinking "it's not their fault" However my human side is resentful and tired of every weekend being this way. I told him I'm not saying I don't want the kids coming over...I'm just explaining how I feel. He understood and again apologized. I said ok. We get home, my daughter and him laugh joke, I stand and watch with total resentment on the inside.
I don't know I didn't ask a specific question....I'm just hoping someone can help me cope.
ok so he speaks up and
ok so he speaks up and all...but what does he DO....do they have a consequence for their action. or just a stern "dont do that."
they are teenagers...they need some action here. he has to back up his words.
and secondly,
HE needs to sit down with them and outright confront moms PAS. Just confront it and call BS.
I agree. Talking to them
I agree. Talking to them isn't working and apologizing to you isn't making you feel better. When you ask if they want something to eat and they ignore you and then ask DH for something to eat, that is his opportunity to ignore them and show them what it feels like.
You're part of the problem here, too, because you are upset but you're passively condoning it by repeating "it isn't their fault". You're right, it isn't their fault their mother hates you, but it is THEIR BEHAVIOR and they have complete control over that. They aren't small children who don't understand. They are teenagers and if someone put them on their ass and made it clear that it was unacceptable regardless of how they or their mother feels, they would knock it off.
"A pessimist complains about the wind, an optimist counts on the wind changing, a realist adjusts his sails"
how do you know she says
how do you know she says negative stuff about you? I am curious how you find out.
This is exactly what I was
This is exactly what I was wondering.
Even with the good
Even with the good relationship I have with my skids, I still get the silent and ignored treatment from time to time. I don't put up with it. I look them straight in the face and tell them to do what they were told to do - NOW! I used to ignore it and let DH handle it, but I've decided that I won't be ignored in my own house. I will not allow my children to treat my DH that way, and I will not allow his to treat me the same.
Of course, my problem doesn't go nearly as far as yours does, and my DH backs me up 100%. That makes a big difference.
Good luck to you, and I'm sorry they are acting like little monsters. Don't resent your daughter's relationship with your DH too much. I understand the resentment, though, but it could be much worse.
______________________________________
Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
folkmom- To sum up one
folkmom- To sum up one situation, SD called me looking for DH. He wasn't with me. SD didn't hang up her phone. She told BM that I said I wasn't home and he wasn't with me. BC said lying b1tch she just didn't want you to speak to him. Another time MIL caught her. BM didn't know SS let MIL in the home. SS yelled upstairs to BM that grandma was there and he's about to leave. She yelled back "oh rich b1tch didn't come to get you?"
She said that b/c at that time, I was picking up SS to bring him over on Fridays.
I could go on but I don't have the energy to talk about her
I guess i'm wondering which road to take....do I tell DH to make his kids talk to me or they can't do this or that.
Do I tell DH the kids aren't welcome until they learn respect for me and my daughter
I don't want to hurt the relationship my DH has with his kids...but at the same time i'm so tired of his kids behavior.
i think someone, not you,
i think someone, not you, needs to call them out ont he rudeness. and have a consequence. otherwise they think their behavior is acceptable.
I think the someone is the
I think the someone is the father....you are so on point. His children act like this b/c it has become acceptable. I would never allow my daughter to act this way. Yes my daughter gets her 14-year-old attitude from time to time. However when she begins to "stur one up" kinda like a tornado building...I shut it down quickly.
I've been quiet lately b/c this is bothering me. My friends want to know what's wrong, he wants to know what's wrong. I hate holding thoughts in b/c they come out like jibber jabber. My BC has pratice so i'm talking to DH again. It's to the point I don't like being in my own home on the weekends. Yes I thought about going to a hotel last weekend. This is not how I plan to spend the rest of my years. I want my DH in my future, but I can't live like this. I can't allow my daugther to think this is normal behavior....I don't want her to put up with crap like this.....so why am I putting up with this? Too many questions not enough answers.
i totally understand wut ur
i totally understand wut ur going thru, im in the same situation. i can totally relate with how used and ignored and disrespected you feel. and your right they are just kids but at the same time that doesnt give them the right to be rude and disrespectful. unfortunately they may be under their mom's thumb for a long time. It may actually take adulthood for them to realize how toxic their mom was to the relationship. just hang in there girl, sometimes a step parent's job (in our case) just isnt rewarding in any kind of way and those kids may never come to appreciate you in their lives. but you know what?? youre not there for them, youre their to be a life partner to their dad, they already have a mom. just got to grin and bear it unfortunately.
On the positive side, at
On the positive side, at least your DH recognizes that they're treating you and your daughter like this. He shouldn't be apologizing for them though - they're 13. Yes, they may be PAS'd but they are old enough to know when they are being rude and DH absolutely should be calling them out on it. I also agree that he's got to do something to address the PAS issue. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I hope you're able to get your DH to start working on this. It's one thing for you to deal with it but something totally different when your daughter has to.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Your husband needs to back
Your husband needs to back you up. Apologizing to you is not doing anything. They need repecussions for their actions. He is rewarding bad behavior by not addressing it. He also needs to have a conversation about PAS with the BM. She won't hear it, but at least he said it to her. She may think a little more next time she says stuff like that in front of your Sk's.
You need to stand up to him.