Hello all,

I am getting to the point whether I will continue my relationship with BF who has three adult sons. His youngest son, 27, lives with his father; I am not living with the BF and his son. The middle son, his wife, and family just moved out of dad's house two years ago, not paying any rent. The oldest son (not by ex-wife, and not really raised by her either) is independent and does not create any issues for us. I have two daughters, ages 19 (in college) and 16 who understand that they will be respectful and cordial as well as independent.

The middle son, according to BF, is financially irresponsible (40 years old)), and BF continually comes to his financial rescue, which I disagree with. The youngest son started out our relationship by ignoring me when I spoke to him-he also lives in the basement and doesn't talk to anyone. This from my eldest daughter, who is autistic but is still communicative! My daughters both say that he creeps them out. He had started to speak a little, not much, until I pissed him off. Currently, when I speak, he ignores me. I told the BF I was uncomfortable with the situation, and that I would not be uncomfortable for too long. BF says he talked with him about it, but since the son doesn't know what to say, he won't say anything. While I triggered the son's anger, I think the bigger issue here is that he and his middle brothers are spoiled rotten, and are not expected to be responsible adults. Unfortunately, I don't see this changing, ever. I did tell BF I wanted to sit down and talk with his son, but son won't even make eye contact. My daughters would speak even if they hated my BF! Thethree of us discussed it, and both girls said they would talk to him and tell him to speak, or get out. I was amazed at their maturity.

Weekend before last, BF had a business lunch on Saturday (that he didn't tell me about until Friday night, when I arrived-pissed about that), and since I was uncomfortable staying in the house with the son alone, I went out. I tried hard to accommodate BF by calling and discovered that he was still in his meeting a few house later, so I went to a movie. I got out of the movie a couple hours later, and BF still wasn't home. I packed my things, and went back to my home, where I am comfortable.

So, the decision point: BF wants me to move in without a ring/wedding date-he wants me to give up my daughters cats in order to do so. In fact, I think he is asking me to give up a whole lot (i.e., change mobile phone number, not be involved in local politics, no engagement ring or marriage prior to moving in), with no guarantees.
I told him that I would not move in with the adult son in the house (and he responded with he can stay as long as he wants!). My rationale for this decision is that even if this situation gets worked out, there will be something else I do that will piss him off, and he will resort to behaving like at 10 year old again, and I do not want my daughters feeling creeped out, and I do not want to be uncomfortable in my own home.

All this in addition to a lack of common sense, and some of his ex-wife's things still in his house!

Your thoughts?