Welcome!

Can you tell us what makes you feel that he may still be in love with her?

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Welcome Bluebird....

If I were to give you the "normal" advice I normally give, it would be to ignore all the "firsts"... BUT

This is what you wrote that has my antennae sticking up!

..."But yet they still fight on the phone (which happens around me at least once a month, that I see)"

The fact that they still fight on the phone monthly means there is still some emotional investment there. It may not be that he is in love with her... or it might. It may be that he is not fully emotionally separated from his marriage, or his commitment, but that he is fully separated from the "love" part of it. Does that make sense?

Until he is past the point of "fighting" with her often, I would suggest you take this one slow and easy.

I also would suggest you read some of my past blogs. I have / had a fantastic career and no children of my own. The life you are choosing is not easy. It can be done and can be rewarding. My husband is the best thing that ever happened to me. I would not want to lose him or give him up for anything. But I have had to grow and change my expectations, just as I am sure he did with me as well.

And don't forget... yes, we do make sacrifices as step parents and being in "2nd" relationships. But don't think for a minute that our SO's don't make sacrifices and have feelings of a different sort. What they feel and are going through is just as important as ourselves - at least that's my thought on it.

My best advice is to take this very slowwww .... don't rush into moving in together, and don't rush into being a "second mom" or even being a "fun aunt". Build those relationships with his children carefully as they will determine a lot about how everything else will go.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

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I married a man that has only one child. I to am in my 20's, no children, awesome career. I am one of those people that don't get over things easily. If I hadn't known without a shadow of a doubt that he didn't want anything to do with her I would have never been able to be with him. I always wanted those "firsts" as well. You deserve that. I would not trade my husband for anything he is an amazing father. I will however be the first to tell you that I have missed out on alot, gave up alot. I want to do the newlywed things, go to a sandals resort, ect. Those things are just not possible. 3 children is alot. You really need to try to look at the situation with completely open eyes. People find themselves so deep in love that they think that they can put up with things that they really can't handle. Don't be one of those people that is blinded by love and then regrets decesions made. Being with a divorced father who has an ex wife will always play a role in your life for years to come.

I second Cruella and I wish I had listened to my gut with this stepparenting business as well. I'm not stuck in a relationship, by any means. I want to be here. But lady, from what you're saying, it sounds like just being around without the confidence that it's just the two of you is really painful. You know what you need to do, what you want, what you don't. It just helps to hear others ring that bell for you. LOUDLY! That's what we're her for but in the end, it's you that makes the choice whether to stay or go.

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I think that healing time is different for everyone. Have you talked to BF about your concerns and his lack of setting boundaries? I think that's a good place to start. I also believe in trusting your gut but in situations like this, it can get a little bit sticky. Your BF does have an emotional past with this woman. They have kids together and will always have that bond. I think that's what's so tough about being in a blended family. We all have a past but your BF's past is constantly in your face and in your life. Is it possible that he's going the "keep the peace" route with her? Personally, I think he'd be crazy if he was still in love with her after all that she did to him.

It would really be in everyone's best interest if boundaries were set and stuck to. He's got to be willing to do that though. Trust yourself

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Yeah. I think there is a difference between emotional investment and love.

When I met my bf, he was getting calls from his ex on almost daily basis. She would call him to get directions on google map from him, she did not have access to the internet, etc...I would find out things like he gave her ride to the subway station while picking up his daughter because the ex said that the kid wants her mommy in the car. Stuff like that.

We have had many-many blow ups over this. We also had many long conversations about it too. I always initiated them, since I was the one who used to think that it was wrong. My bf was whipped and he was basically a slave to his ex. Once I caught him bringing in her dirty laundry and washing it at our house. She gave it to him because it was towels and bedsheets that the kid used at her house. She claimed that the 2 flights of stairs were too difficult for her to climb in her own building to do laundry. I was so LIVID!!! Especially that my bf was not very proactive in our household, but he was doing HER laundry in OUR house. I know, it sounds so f**ed up!

When I would talk to him about these things, it became apparent that he was afraid of her, he did not want to rock the boat, so he agreed to do all these things. He was also afraid that she would run off with the kid and he would never see the kid again. The ex actually threatened with that. So, I think partially he was kind of beaten down and emotionally blackmailed. Still I am not giving him excuses, I was pissed at him.

Over time I was able to express to him that I felt like he had no boundaries with his ex. He started setting boundaries with her, mostly because he saw that the more he gave in to her whims, the more she wanted and the less he was getting out of life. Including having a working relationship with me. I have told him that he cannot have both. If he continued catering to his ex's needs; he is not fulfilling his, his daughters & my needs. The ONLY person who is benefiting is his ex. I had to "beat him over the head" over and over until his finally was able to hear it. Sometimes I feel like it was too much work on my own part.

But I do believe that once they realize that they are getting used by the ex, they start setting boundaries. Maybe your bf does not think that he is being used by his ex, just yet?

If I knew then what I know now, I would have thought so much harder and moved so much slower before marrying a man with an ex-wife and two kids.

I am a romantic at heart and a "glass is half full" kind of person but it is a a lot to take on and a life changing adjustment.

Be sure, listen to your gut and it might not hurt to seek the listening ear of a professional counselor to guide you through a decision this big.

If anything my suggestion is to make three lists.
List one, things I absolutely must have in a relationship to be happy. The items on this list are MUST HAVE, if just one of these items is missing in a person then that is a deal breaker. Some examples could be: Wants to have children, Christian, or whatever is most important to you.
List Two - Then make your list of Would Like to have. Ex. Likes my family, good listener, likes to dance etc...
List Three - Absolute deal breaker if one of these items appears in a romantic interest. Ex. Abuses alcohol or Drugs, gambling issue, doesn't want children.

Only you can determine your list but what is most important is you MUST be honest with yourself. Most people find it easiest to complete a list like this when they are single so they can truly identify what they want and not try to fit their current partner into what they think they want. Give it a shot. Maybe it will help offer some clarity for you.

Bluebird,
My DH used to do this too and i felt that same feeling as you.
One day i asked him if he still loved her which he vehemently said NO to ...
Then i said ... "why do you allow her to control you? she picks fights for YOUR attention and she gets what she wants."
He hasn't argued with her in over 5 years ... for the most part.

"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the end your right to say it," - Voltaire