You are here

His Obsession With His Ex is Driving Me Insane!!

gina2nosy's picture

Submitted by gina2nosy on Fri, 03/12/2010 - 10:54pm

Forums: 
General Discussion

I have been married to a man for almost 3 years now. He has kids from a previous marriage. He is making me insane! His obsession with HIS ex wife and daughter are stupidly unreal. EVERY Friday, Saturday and Sunday, he goes to thier house and fixes things for them. HE goes to the bowling alley EVERY Saturday with them. Not only his daughter, but the ex wife, her mother, aunts, cousins, the whole family tree is there. I am told to get over it OR I can move out. My kids come to the house and they are cussed and treated unkindly. My kids are older but they have feelings too! If I even LOOK at HIS daughter I get reprimanded for anything and everything I say or do. I have nothing to do with his kids because of this. His EX is even having her mail sent here. She calls for stupid stuff and if the kid goes home and says that I talked to her or anything the phone starts ringing and I get punished. The kid is a snotty little kid who thinks the world revolves around her...well it doesn't! Her mother sends her here to disrupt MY household. I wanna do something drastic but I know I can't. My hubby told me that since I have no place to go, that I have to pay him $400.00 a month to live here in our MARITAL home OR I can bow down and worship the ground his Ex and kid walk on.I am at my wits end. I'm so afraid I'm going to end up in jail because of this woman who has MY husband blinded.

StepChicka's picture

Submitted by StepChicka on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 1:01am

Has DH invited you and your kids to join the bowling outing?

Honestly and I hate to say this but it sounds like he's giving you everything you need to leave him. For whatever reason he doesn't want your marriage to work.

Sorry hon.

Conflicted's picture

Submitted by Conflicted on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 1:43am

Aw Hell NO!! You have got to be kidding right? Don't waste another second with that douche lord... This is just not going to work honey, he doesn't want it to... I am so sorry... But you need to get your ducks in a row and get out of there as soon as you can... Run... and don't look back!

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 6:40am

You have me giggling over "douche lord"!
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

redheaded_stepmom's picture

Submitted by redheaded_stepmom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 3:28am

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry to hear all of this. It sounds to me like you need to get out now! Expecting you to pay to live in your own home! Is he insane?! You are his wife! He should respect you and expect the other people involved in your lives to respect you. No one should have to bow down to anyone, but you shouldn't be expected to let a child walk all over you, either.

onehappygirl's picture

Submitted by onehappygirl on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 6:42am

Get out, get out, get out!!!! Either leave or submit. He sounds like he will not change over this. It sounds like he is still married to her - he just doesn't have to live with her or deal with her bullshit. If he acts like they are one big happy family, I'm sure there's more going on as well.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:06am

leave. get a divorce atty and leave.

this is abuse. plain and simple. no couching terms. abuse.

you are not a wife. he is still married to her in his mind and actions. you are his maid, servant and i assume person he has sex with.

he has no respect for you and never will.

there is ALWAYS a place you can go. ALWAYS. that is not an excuse, it is just your fear of the unknown. as long as you have the fear, he will continue to abuse you.

dianalg's picture

Submitted by dianalg on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:19am

I completely agree, get out of there. This guy is an egomaniac asshole. Kick him to the curb, move on the bigger and better. Let the ex have him, sounds like they deserve each other. Neither one has moved on.

Lilly's picture

Submitted by Lilly on Fri, 03/19/2010 - 10:02am

I tend to agree, get out, this is so wrong on so many levels. You mention BM alot as if she is the cause of the problem, but the real problem is your DH. He has given her all the power. He never broke the bonds with her and it doesnt look like he has any intention to do that.

What do you mean when you say you get "punished" do you guys get into an arguement? When I think of the word punished, it sets off a redlight. I hope he is not abusive, physically. He certainly is emotionally.

It sounds like you are not his wife but a renter in the house. I would take my $400.00 a month and find a room to rent till things get better. I have a funny feeling that once you are out, she might be in. Sad

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:11am

Gina2nosy...this is just NOT NORMAL in every way. If your DH still fixes ANYTHING at her house (nevermind goes there EVERY weekend to do so), that is UNACCEPTABLE. Same with the bowling thing with ex & her family.

I agree with onehappygirl & everyone else above. DH is "having his cake & eating it, too". He isn't over his ex and he still wants the happy family with them. He can still be an amazing father to his kids without doing ANY of this. Why did he marry you in the first place???

You wrote that you get "reprimanded" by DH when you try to speak to him about how you feel? Unacceptable. Don't allow him to control you that way. If he loves you, he'll stop all of this immediately. If he doesn't love you, he'll have no fear of losing you (consequence).

Doesn't sound to me that DH has ANY respect for you at all. How long have you allowed this type of thing to continue...and stayed?? Be careful, because by allowing DH to act this way without any changes or consequences, especially for a long time, he will continue to treat you this way and it will become the "norm" in your relationship.

I'll give you the old Milomom mantra "YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED."

There have to either be some MAJOR changes right away & there will have to be MUTUAL respect and compromise - or this marriage looks like it won't make it. I am not one to advocate divorce, so I hope that you can find the strength to defend yourself & stand up for what's right. You DESERVE to be happy and to be treated better. If not by your DH, then by someone else who WILL.

Good luck!! I don't know your whole background, but I hope this helps.

folkmom's picture

Submitted by folkmom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:14am

based on what she wrote, any attempt on her part to make a change could be detrimental to herself. he is an abuser. she has voiced her issues...and he said to deal with it. and he is charging her rent.

he treats her like a maid.

how does she reason with a man who thinks she is the gum on his shoe?

dianalg's picture

Submitted by dianalg on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:22am

Be careful he may become physically abusive by the sounds of things. I dont like the way this (man?) sounds. I think he sounds kind of scary. Mabe unpredicatable?

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:30am

Folkmom, you are right. Based on what she wrote, I agree with you. I just thought I'd try to give her some suggestions/advice since we only know this limited info. she posted (and I truly hate advocating divorce when I don't know more of the background & I don't know if she has tried & exhausted other options, if any).

I always think you're the "voice of reason", Folkmom. Thanks.

NaturallyMom's picture

Submitted by NaturallyMom on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:24am

So you can handle your husband emotionally cheating on you every friday saturday and sunday?
Wow.
I couldn't.

"I may not agree with what you have to say, but I shall defend to the end your right to say it," - Voltaire

TinyDancer's picture

Submitted by TinyDancer on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 7:49am

There are many safe havens for women who are in abusive relationships. Be it a shelter, a women's home,
counseling... something. Do it for yourself, a person who deserves better. And, do it for your children.
Even though they're older, they can still see what's happening and it is doubtless affecting them.

Luck to you.

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 8:34am

This....right away. Every area has a safe home for battered women. They will give you help and tools to move on with your life.

TheWife's picture

Submitted by TheWife on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 9:03am

Anything I say will have already been said but, I will say it one more time for emphasis.

You need to leave. Pronto.

____________________________________________________________________

Rome wasn't built in a day, and my marriage won't be either.

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 9:00am

I have always wondered why these people get divorced and then they continue to "date". It is ok to maybe have both sides at a b-day party, graduation, wedding, ect.... but the bowling thing every Saturday night is ridiculous. My BF does way too much for his ex....fixes things, loans her his vehicle, gives her money, ect... but he doesn't socialize with her. Why do these guys so attracted to neediness. I don't get it. You would think that someone who is independent and strong would so much more attractive to a man but that is SOOOOOOOO NOT how it is most of the time. This guy is emotionally abusing you to the extreme. Get your ducks in row girl and get the hell outta that mess as soon as you can. Good luck!

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 9:01am

I echo what others have said. I am frankly at a loss as to how you are MARRIED to this guy in the first place. He will never change because you are married -- he has no reason to do so.

You need to leave. It's as simple as that. Get a divorce, and find yourself a REAL relationship.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

StepChicka's picture

Submitted by StepChicka on Sat, 03/13/2010 - 9:45am

He should be the one to move out. Its quite a apparent he has BM's place to move into. You and your kids don't. He's the asshole. Pack his shit and leave it outside for him to pick up. Change the locks and file. Call police if you have to.

I don't know if he's abusing you or not but he has the earmarks of someone who doesn't care how you feel. Doing things that would make you have no other recourse but to end things. He's a pussy to say the least. He doesn't have the balls to tell you to your face that its over.