Have you ever thought about family counseling? Has SD always been this way or just since you came into the picture? Why is the dad not around?

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

Sorry about your loss. There is a website that is for our specific issues (remarried widows) that may help as well. www.remarrieds.net

I have a sd13 that no matter what I do, she drives me nuts. I finally had to disengage or drive myself nuts. That is helping. My son is also an overachiever and my SK's are not. I have stopped parenting them, just tell my DH when I am irritated about something and he handles it. I have too many rules for them.

Stop getting involved. It is your wife's job. Than maybe you can have some type of relationship.

YOU need to learn the mantra I have been taught here and follow it:
NOT MY KID NOT MY PROBLEM!
Disconnect as soon as you can before you are the main scape goat for all the problems the kid will ever have in her life...it only gets worse

"The pic reminds me of the slaveboy and his queens in this home...it depicts a kid ruling her Big daddy...how sweet! What it doesn't show is the Big Daddy bowing and thanking them for the abuse and begging for more"!

You say that you and your wife are on the same page, yet you complain that your wife gives in to your step daughter more, because:
1) she expects her to "misbehave" be "disrespectful"
2) Deems her "strong-willed" or a "rough child"
3) possibly feels guilty for the lack of her bio-father in her life

So clearly you're not on the same page. Perhaps you and your wife agree on what a proper punishment is, and what the children should be punished for. BUT she's not holding up her end of the deal. When a child misbehaves, acts disrespectfully, or disobeys, they need 1 warning, if they continue the same action, they need to be punished accordingly. No exceptions. Your wife needs to understand this. And perhaps she needs to hear this from a third party.

I really admire your attitude towards this little girl. She's young enough for you to make a big difference in her life, and it seems like everyone that's involved wants the best for her, and is willing to make changes to make sure she gets the best. You really should have a heart to heart with your wife about this issue, explain your fears of what she's gonna turn out like if she continues to be spoiled in these ways.

Best of luck to you. With your attitude I think everything is gonna turn out just fine.

I understand where you're coming from - the thought of disconnecting seems weird and hurtful, not to mention cruel. And I haven't found a way to do that myself. But what is helpful is counseling. Not because there's some majic answer or solution, but somehow it's a place where adults and children feel safe to share, free of judgement and anger.

It sounds to me like your SD has a lot of anger and frustration that she takes out on her mother. I'm sure she is jealous on some level of the relationship your children have with her mother, which manifest itself through anger. Blended families are tough - there just isn't a one-size-fits-all answer.

I try to look at things from my SS point of view and put myself in his place - how would I feel if this were me - because only then can I make sense of the situation. What some of these children face on a daily basis is just frustrating - different rules, different family structure - I can't really begin to know what they're feeling or struggling with. What I do know is that as a parental figure in their lives, we owe them the benefit of helping them understand their feelings and give them the tools to deal with the cards they've been dealt. And this is no easy task - but you will find a way to reach her and connect on a level that no other man has been able to do and in the end she will be a better person because of you!

Good luck to you.

This sounds harsh, because it is the last resort for most of us. We have been told again and again that we have no parental control over these kids, yet their behavior affects our lives. I have disengaged with SD13 to save my own sanity. My DH won't take my advice on this kid no matter what. He knows better. Great you handle it then. I thought I had disengaged and then last week she played me again. Now she is no longer to call me if she is sick at school. She has to call her Dad. He now has to leave work and stay home with her. All because he wouldn't make a rule about no computer if you are too sick to go to school. So all I can do is wait for that day to come and watch him get inconvenienced.

You have to let her mom be the parent. It is not your job. You will always be wrong in how you handle it. It is your house and you can make rules regarding that, but you can't enforce them. You can only let her mom do that.

"Look she drives me nuts...but I don't think disconnecting and becoming a prisoner in my own house is the answer."

I love that you said this and can totally relate. I do not think you should "disconnect" at all...or ever! I look at Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech last week and it can be applied to you, too. Some day, this SD might "get it" that you were only ever trying to make things better for her. I have that too with my DH's non-bio daughter that he has raised. If we can just continue to be a positive role model for her, she'll be better off than if we threw in the towel!

If she has a school counselor you could talk to them about the issues. I'm not sure if you are worried about her behavior at school, but you might be able to get a little help there from the school counselor and/or a trusted teacher. At least it would be able to be monitored a bit there. A lot of parents seem to forget that the schools can be a very good resource, and they might be able to refer you to someone else as well.

Another option could be community classes - do some research into family organizations in your community. Make a suggestion for your ENTIRE family to go to a few classes. In our town there are classes specifically for blended families and issues that arise with them. It could be proposed as a way to make your whole family work better with each other. This might open up a door of communication at least between the adults and the SD.

Is she mature enough to handle a parent-child discussion about her fears or feelings? Maybe it would work to open up that door too. It most likely won't happen the first time you bring it up, but if you have the guts to be the "adult" in the situation and sit down with her and just talk, eventually it will happen. Ask her questions that center around how she feels and what she thinks - keep it very open minded. Does she think things in the household are fair? How can things change? What kind of things would she like to participate in as a family? Are there times that she would rather just be alone? What kind of things would she like to do alone with mom or grandma or step dad? What does she want to be when she grows up? What kind of person is that? How can she become that person?

Can you utilize the close relationship between the girl and her grandmother? Is this a positive way that you can all connect together? If she is closer to her than with her own mother you may need to use this route, and she may be more comfortable opening up.

Looking toward her future and your worries: keep in mind that one of the major factors in avoiding "trouble making" in their teen years is to get them involved in SOMETHING! Get her in a sport, swimming, gymnastics, cheerleading, soccer, a club, or ANYTHING that she likes to do. Even if she wants to try something out for awhile and then ends up wanting to try something else, let her find something she likes and be very supportive. Maybe she just needs a little boost of self-esteem and self-worth to be able to be happy.