Bio-mom won't let us talk to step-daughter
My step-daughter is 5 years old and lives about a thousand miles away from us. We are just now (within the last 9 months) re-entering her life. My husband is a recovering alcoholic that has been clean and sober for about a year. I used to talk to my step-daughters mom via text message on a weekly basis. She related to me that she was afraid that my hubby would "get bored" with SD. That she was afraid that SD would get hurt in the end. We drove the 1000+ miles over Christmas to see SD and have plans to drive out there again the end of March. Bio-mom and step-daughter used to live in the same state as us, but three years ago left our home state to move across country because of Felony Warrants for identity theft. The warrants are still in place. In the month since our visit to see SD, we have tried calling to talk to her 14 times. In that time period we have only been able to talk to her once. Bio-mom no longer answers text messages. She'll randomly send us messages asking us if we're going to be around at such and such time so she can have SD call, but then never does. We don't know what else to do now. Bio-mom went on and on about how afraid she was that my husband would enter the kiddo's life and then just disappear. Well, he's not disappearing, but she still won't let us talk to her!! We don't know what else to do! My husband, because of the alcoholism, has a criminal history too, although he has no pending cases on his part at least. He is afraid that if he took it to court that he would either not be granted any custody because of his history, or that she would make stuff up about him (she did this in the past to a previous baby daddy). She's too young for us to get her her own cell phone. We don't know what other options we may have. Does anyone have any suggestions on what we can do???
My husband is sober. He's
My husband is sober. He's been sober for about a year now. He didn't do it through AA or through counseling. He woke up one morning after a particularly bad bender and decided he had had enough. He told me he didn't want to "eff" up his life anymore. After about a month of not drinking he started the process of getting his GED (he's 28 and hadn't been in school since part way through the 9th grade). He's now in school full-time at a community college in our neighborhood. He doesn't have a job yet. He does construction and the construction industry in our area seems to have been hit particularly hard.
We're afraid that if we "threaten" BM with her warrants and it doesn't go our way that she'll cut us out completely from SD's life, rather than just being difficult. It's all to easy for her to just pick up and leave w/o telling us where she is or going.
Do you feel as though you
Do you feel as though you could provide a stable, safe, permanent home for your 5 year old SD? If so then why don't you turn BM in for her felony charges? Tell the Feds or State Officials where she is hiding and problem solved!!
My husband and I both have been victims of identity theft and it seems unfair that there are people out there who know where these criminals are (and raising children to boot!) yet are doing nothing about it. Identity theft isn't funny...that's why its a felony. It ruins people's lives, credit, etc.
You would have to make your case that husband isn't alcholic anymore...would help if he entered a counseling program for awhile where that person could come testify on his behalf and it is clearly and objectively documented that he is sober and calm and exhibits no theatening behaviors. That way Mom's lies would have no effect other than to show her a liar. If you prepare well for this you could easily get custody as BM would likely be going to jail. Make sure full-time custody is what you WANT and what you and your husband can HANDLE, first.
Just my two cents.
Thank you. I agree that
Thank you. I agree that identity theft is not funny. With BM, she stole the identity of her sister, which to me just goes to show you what kind of a person she is. There is a warrant out for her sisters name, as well as her own, just because she used it as an alias. It is ridiculous, sad, and pathetic. We have not turned her in as of yet because we are not sure whether my states police would drive the 1000+ miles to get her (just because a warrant is extraditable doesn't mean they actually have to do anything about it. It is the county the warrant was issued in's option...stupid stupid stupid) IF they WILL extradite, we want SD to be in our custody when she is arrested so that custody does not go to BM's mom, since she is in that state AND so there is no risk of SD going into foster care. SD being in bio-grandma's care would be no better than being left with BM. Bio-grandma left her kids when they were middle school aged to run away to florida or wherever, leaving them with their alcohol/meth addicted father.
So far I do document EVERYTHING that transpires between us and BM. I email ALL of the text messages she sends me to my email account, I have a journal that I write down all the calls we make, text we send, gifts, CS payments in what amounts, EVERYTHING. We are sure we want her with us. We know it is going to be hard and definitely an adjustment IF we were to actually get custody, but in the end it will be worth it. Even if SD grows up to hate me, like it seems many steps do for their step-parents (although I strongly suspect that wouldn't happen if the bio-parents weren't evil), I would at least have the satisfaction of knowing that she did not grow up in BM house. If she stays there, it is sad to say, but I KNOW SD will be a teen mom, will probably never finish HS, and will either end up in jail, drug addicted, or living on welfare.
Oh, I have wondered but
Oh, I have wondered but didn't understand your situation. Is there any way you can go to where SD is, and maybe jobs are better there? I know that is easier said than done.
If not, I think if you just try to stay in touch and see her when you can, at least so you can know where she is, address, etc. while trying to prepare and see what you are able to do. Does he pay child support? as that would be a way to know where she is.
This is one time it may pay to try to befriend BM, and let her know you really care about SD.
Your DH may need a little more time in recovery before undergoing something as stressful as trying to get custody may be.
But what do I know, have either of you talked to a counselor or lawyer about this? I feel for you honey and little SD - it is nice you are so concerned with her well-being! Hugs
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham
SD lives in the middle of
SD lives in the middle of no-where with her mom. We just bought our first home, so moving really isn't in the cards for us right now. Plus, even if we did move, BM may follow her own mothers path and just pick up and leave on a whim. I personally sometimes wonder if BM is bipolar or something. It really has only been in recent months that she has been so hard to deal with. Before she was aloof and a pain, but not to this extent. Before she would talk to me and would update me on SD's status (SD was in the hospital because she had pneumonia for 5 days and BM let me know what was going on...then again, she asked me for money and hubby thinks thats the only reason why she told me SD was sick...i'm kind of a sucker that way)
Thank you 'Evil' (I feel kinda bad calling you that lol) for your support.
Yeah, I may have to find a
Yeah, I may have to find a more current name, but I am pretty evil step-wise
- but its really Susan.! Glad to help. 
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham