I have been there recently. I was afraid of dh's choice. He did choose me. There were several issues. He realized that SS was an adult. I am so sorry. I know that you have to be devastated. The choice would have been harder if SS 20 was younger.

He may find that he regrets his decision once you're gone. Maybe he will miss you. Keep the door open.

Ummm why doesnt your DH get his BD an apartment? I mean really, he would rather kick you out and get you an apartment instead of getting BD her own place... what an arse!

This is very disturbing - do they have a normal parent/child relationship? I think he should be required to see a counselor before taking this action.

Maybe he doesn't realize, it is NOT normal to choose to cohabit with a child who is old enough to be on her own, and not your own peer-aged wife?!! Maybe the SD has him snowed that this is a normal decision on his part, and he just needs to hear the truth, from a professional?
_________________________________________________________
“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

My BF and I have been to counseling recently about this issue. His daughter is only 10, but we were having issues of her being put into the adult role with BF.

Counselor explained, "you are not choosing between them, the daughter must be shown that she is a DAUGHTER. That the hierarchy of a family begins with the couple, and goes down from there"

My BF has had a hard time with this. It has started though. He still has his daughter with him, but she is not the only driving force in his life any more.

Your husband is wrong. Not all men would do the same. The relationship is different, there should be no choice.

Now on the other hand, being a step-daughter that got shoved asside for her step mother, there is a balance. To this day (20 years later) I do not want to be around my father because of the woman he married.

I agree, try some counseling. This might be saved yet. Hearing from a professional about how this might work might help.

Good luck!!

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm

SHe is 19! She should have her own apartment and move on with her life instead of trying to destroy yours!!

DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE! In fact the next time they are out together change the locks. Let them move in to the apartment. You stay in the house. It gives you more leverage in the divorce.

My XW moved out of our home when she ran off with her geriatric Fortune 500 Sugar Daddy. When she moved out I had her by the financial short and curlys. When I left the state 9mos later to start engineering school she had to sign a lease to move back in to the house (with her old ass boyfriend)and pay me half when it was sold 5yrs later.

And your husband is wrong. I am one husband who would never put my children above my wife. In fact, when I was a snarky teen my Dad let me know in no uncertain terms that if I ever put him in the position of having to choose between his wife (My Mom) and I that the door knob would have no chance of hitting me in the ass as I flew out the front door because I would be moving to fast from the boot to my butt. Like most kids I had issues with one or the other of parents periodically. They are amazing people and I won the parent lottery but I had my fair share of flair ups of Teen Related Cranio Rectal Syndrome.

I doubt there are many men of character who would choose their children over their wife. At least none that would be worth marrying.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

You are a big softy if you leave. sorry but your husband is in the wrong. My husband chose me over his daughter and said he always will. Why? Because he took vows with me not his daughter. His daughter will grow up and leave and the only person next to him after all the kids are gone will be ME.
So please, i dont care if he got you an apartment....tell him to go to the apartment with said daughter and leave the home. You stay. That is your home! His daughter is 19 years old. He can give her the apartment not you.
And if he insists, then i'm sorry, but your husband was never really your husband to begin with and the truth has revealed itself. Either way, dont leave the house. Its seen as abandonemnt and you may lose any portion if you leave.
PLEASE dont leave. Tell your husband when the divorce is final and all the accounts, household and items are properly settled, is when a decision will be made. For now, sleep in separate bedrooms and tell him to fuck off.

If any man did this to me I would consider the marriage done and done. Of course the daughter doesn't respect you, she doesn't have to, cuz daddy doesn't respect you and he has allowed his daughter to trample on you, violate your status and invade your rights with his permission. Foolish, ignorant, stupid man!

Now, this is no time for you to be a softy. And, do NOT use the same lawyer. It is very important that you get your own lawyer. It is imperative that you protect yourself now, because he isn't going to be even remotely fair. He obviously cannot be trusted--so don't trust him no matter what comes out of his mouth anymore! He has already bullied you into believing any man would do what he has done. That is just a lie with the precise purpose of victimizing you. Don't move out! Stay in the house and when all accounts are settled, daddy and his precious can go find their own place and live happily ever after.

And, you will be free of this piece of dog shit.

You've got to be kidding. Don't move out. Make the daughter move into the apartment instead. Was that an option? That's your home. You were not a fool. The issue could have been easily resolved by therapy for you and your husband and getting the daughter an apartment. But instead he allowed his coddled brat to cause such conflict it drove you apart. I can't believe how weak and pathetic your husband is by chosing her over you. As someone else here said, the daughter is going to leave the nest sooner or later and dad will be left sitting in a rocking chair, lonely and pathetic. When he's sick, will she wipe his ass? I don't think so, but a wife would. If he has such little compassion, love and respect for you, it's better to know now than 20 years down the road. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but hold your ground for when the loser tries to come back. He's shown you that his daughter is his top priority, and you deserve much better. I wish you the very best.

Badlinz, you are not a fool. From what I've read of your post, you did nothing wrong. Your DH needs to get his priorities straight. I agree with everyone above me - stay where you are. Let SD19 move into the apartment - why should your life go into total chaos & upheaval? She's at the age where it's time to "leave the nest" anyway!! She should be PAYING HER OWN WAY, too! Geez, what on earth are these kids thinking nowadays? They want to be treated like adults when they turn 18, but they still act like a bunch of morons & want to still be dependent on their parents. My guess is that SD19 has probably been like this with your DH for many years now (since you've known her) - by the way, why did she have to move in with you two in the first place? Where is BM in all of this??

I'm sorry that you are going through this - 13 years is a very, very long time to invest in a relationship. I don't mean to offend, but if this is your DH's level of respect for you - you don't need him. YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED.

Good luck!!

I already told my hubby when his daughter "magically" gave birth recently that I will not go through another 20 years of raising a kid again.....

Yes it stings because there is something not natural with your husband's relationship with his daughter. The big one is guilt and now that she is 19 its not a choice he's making with a young child this is his adult daughter now...so what's up with that?

Run like hell outta there....believe me if he feels like this it will get worse and God help you if a grandkid comes along. You will drop down one more level on his priority list!

Badlinz--Sounds to me like your DH may be giving you a gift. Might not seem like it right now, but perhaps after a few months of peace and sanity in your new place you'll see what I mean.

Your DH dumped you for his ADULT DAUGHTER. Now, how sick is that? Your self esteem has been shattered, and DH doesn't give a crap. He doesn't give a crap about your marriage vows, or the life you have together. This man treats you like poo on his shoes and vaults his adult daughter to wife status. Why oh why would you ever want to be with such a person? Why would you want his creepy adult daughter waging war with you for the rest of your life?

I know you have many years with this man, but people change--sometimes for the worse. I commend you for taking a stand about the abuse you have suffered(!)--many women don't have the guts to do that. I am certain that once you make a clean break from these toxic people you will slowly be released from the fog of depression. Your future will be so much brighter without all the hate and drama--just wait and see!

The more I read... the more infuriated I become. Wjat right does he have to do that to you. You ahve been there for him for 13 years. You have supported him and dealt with his BS and dealt with SD when you didn't have to. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN. It sounds like you don't want the marriage to end. so FIGHT FOR IT. Him sending you to another country is crap. If my husband tried that crap with me... OH HELL NO. No one is going to take control of MY life and force me away. I would go into court and tell the judge that 1.) you don't want the marriage to end (you said only the last year has been bad)2. Tell the judge you had sex with him a week ago!!!

You've been married to him for 13 years. What are you chop suey??? Take a stand sister! Don't let him or his entitles daughter dictate your life.

***I love you like a fat kid loves cake***

Wow. This is really sad -- I'm sorry. Honestly, if this is his reaction, then unfortunately, I don't think you were ever really married to him -- he is married to his daughter.

My condolences.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

badlinz, BEFORE you leave... hire an attorney and settle your assets. The house/apt is in both of your names, no? You are entitled to half of everything by law, no? (I don't know what country you are in). If you just leave the home, you pretty much forfeit your right to anything from the marriage. She's taken your marriage... don't let HIM take you for everything else. You leaving is very convenient for him. Stop fighting in the home and take his little hiney to court... make him pay where it hurts!

Just a little 'getting even' advice.

I have to admit that this all seems a bit weird after having read some of the responses etc.
I thought some more about it and just have to wonder if this is some sort of strange Greek myth.
Did SD spring from your husband's head?
My mother dated a man who gave his daughter absolutely everything including his life. My mother couldn't take it. The daughter was in her 20s and he was in his 60s. I told my mother that he may be a nice guy but that's sort of creepy ...
She saw him at the grocery store about 2 years later and he looked miserable. Apparently his daughter ran off to Montreal with some criminal and robbed her father blind. He looked like he hadn't eaten in years and she almost couldn't tell who he was. Well I guess that's to be expected for someone who can't get his priorities straight.
Point is, if he is really serious, and decides to throw a marriage away, then he will most likely pay for it.

"Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves." ~ Abraham Lincoln

You sound so lovely and your DH is so out of line. She will marry one day and leave him lonely and sad. Find someone whois FREE to give himself to you. Sounds like he was never free!

Badlinz, I am sooo sorry for you..This man does not deserve you or your love..

I hope someday he realizes exactly what he lost due to his stupidity... and by that time I hope your life is happy and you find someone who truly loves you above all else...

Badlinz, I am sooo sorry for you..This man does not deserve you or your love..

I hope someday he realizes exactly what he lost due to his stupidity... and by that time I hope your life is happy and you find someone who truly loves you above all else...

I just read this b/c of Fearless bringing it back up on her blog. I missed it I'm sure b/c my own life was spiraling out of control. My STBX also chose his daughter over us, in a different way. He disconnected and left me to deal with her, and when I couldn't take it anymore he found another woman who he thinks would be better for her.

I don't know what to say Badlinz...

Your marriage was much longer than mine, and my STBX indicated for years that he was on my side, which only made my SD further determined to undermine me and come between us.

It worked. She is dancing a jig on the death of my marriage.

My word of caution is to set huge boundaries before a child who doesn't live with you full time is allowed to live with you. Regardless if the child is 9 or 19. Also, don't be reeled in with a child who is over the top trying to get you to love them- my SD was very "infatuated" with my mothering skills in the beginning. Then turned on me 2 years in, then he turned on me 2 years after that.

Hugs to you...

And stories like yours make me consider never doing this step thing again, even when mine doesn't convince me.

hmph!

Me being me would pick an almighty fight with him. I would question his relationship with his daughter. What happens if/when she marries? Or is he forever to live with his daughter? I hope he wants to remarry his ex because this is the only woman his daughter will ever accept in his life. And maybe he can ask her right now, in front of you.

I would tell him he is a big fat failure. He did not live up to his marriage vows. You know, the bit about putting no one else before his spouse? He is a failure.

And then as I walk out I would add "And really, you will never get it as good as you got from me. So be prepared for a lonely old life with your daughter. Or is there something going on that is illegal in most of the free world? Good grief, EVERYONE thinks so. EVERYONE talks about you and her. Your obsession is truely sick!"

Badlinz, do you want the divorce or do you want the SD out of the house? Have you thought of asking your husband to go to couseling? It was the only way many times I could make sense with my husband and get him to understand. My husband, like yours felt I should just let EVERYTHING go and let his kids do whatever they wanted, made excuses for their behavior, I was not supported to take a stand but guess who was raising these brats? ME! Bio mom not a consistant part of the picture.

I totlally agree with you that husband should talk and tell SD that it is not working and to ask her to move back to BM. You need not feel guilty. Your husband needs a wake-up call and if he is not willing to go to couseling I would be trying to find a way to get him to see.

My SSs would not stop berating me, put up with the same garbage from BM. Skids learned they could direspect me as husband was not there to support me. I kept holding my ground, ended up in couseling and on anti-depressants, there were times I no longer wanted to live and felt I had nowhere to turn.

Finally, after the kids moved out and were still being hateful, we'd had a huge incident in the fmaily that has us all very torn apart. His older son asked to meet with him. he started in on things that my husband knew I had never said, never done. He was telling my husband how I should have reacted and how he shoudl have protected them from me. That's when my husband started seeing his oldest in a different light.

Most recently his younger son did much the same. Husband will not even make contact.

If you can make your husband see your marriage might be worth saving.

My stepdaughters have also been allowed to exclude me from things and my DH has allowed it...throwing me right under the bus..I thought it was a one time incident but it's not...
His kids feelings will always come before mine.

I wish you luck. I know how much it hurts that he chose the daughter over you.

Don't leave the door open, find a new man without kids that will make you his special person, and hang on tight. Run...you are not in denial, you hit the nail on the head. Do not look back, ever. He'll do it again.

I went through the same thing, only I didn't give him a choice (as you said), I just changed my behavior and got tough with all of them. But never any choices. My DH is just a wuss sometimes when it comes to his kids, but I know he loves me, that's the difference I think.

My DH realized when push came to shove, well, he just didn't know what I would do. I was unpredictable, on purpose. I disengaged with the SD, and stuck to my guns, but nice to DH at the same time, I made the boundaries clear, I loved him, but couldn't deal with SD on HER terms, I had a few of my own and if SD couldn't deal with me on a few of my own, I didn't want her coming over, and I would not go with him to her place (this was even after she moved out, she still wouldn't quit the attacks) but I wouldn't throw him away to get her out of my life, simply keep her at a distance literally and psychologically - that'a all.

Geez, the kid has a Mom to live with (my DH and I couldn't and send SD back to Mom's...DCFS took her away) so our marriage was rocky for awhile to say the least (I was relieved when she moved out). Skids darn well almost won, but my DH did see the light (on occasion) it doesn't appear your DH sees the light AT ALL.

Leave, just leave and find a new life. Material things are just material things...he'll realize what a monster he created when it's TOO late...don't be there to pick up the pieces. He shattered that love, he's not deserving of you and neither is the by now spoiled SD. Can't fix it now.
SD is ruined, DH is feeding off her and vice versa --- you can't compete with this dysfunction and expect to sort things out with her in the picture, sorta like a recovering addict can't be with people they were with (triggers). He's a daughter addict, feeding each others egos at your expense, pardon the language but screw that and them for treating you this way!

When husbands ignore their wives stories, and there is indisputable evidence, you know darn well there is severe dysfunction going on in the family and that the DH is playing the wife/kids off against each other and the kids are playing the DH against the SM, it's baked in the cake.
Leave, he's playing you. I, personally, wouldn't even try to save this marriage...he was too quick to tell you to go. My DH never told me to go, never even mentioned it, he just didn't know how to discipline and still achieve their "approval" so he was more PA...your husband, IMO, was TOO quick on that trigger on the choice...he didn't even attempt to discuss it with you. IOW: No discussions allowed, just pack you chit and leave so my daughter and I can continue our love fest...that's absolutely unnerving. Why stay with two people that obviously "don't care" whether you stay or leave and are pointing to the door?

P.S. Pack when he's not at home, and move when he's not at home, but play nice and take the China and Crystal on your way out; because you're not going to get anything else out of this.
Don't leave anything in that house you want before beginning divorce proceedings, you'll NEVER see it again, SD will make sure of that...don't underestimate a stepdaughter that has the knife out for you, ever. You should have seen how much of "my" stuff that went missing when my SD moved out...uh huh.

Ok, I'm on a roll now. Yeah, agree with posters above. Don't move out, different bedroom. Daughter can sleep in daddy's room (all joking aside) ... stay, make him and her move out. Let Daddy pay the rent until the divorce is final, on his dime/time and let the insufferable one get a new life lesson that daddy is not going to teach her any other way, but you can

Wow, I really am sorry about this I understand how hurt and betrayed you must feel. Like many of the posters on here, Step Aside and Rags and others...I agree that not ALL men would choose this option. My bf is also struggling with his adult daughters who are in their 20's. The divorce is not final which I realize sort of keeps them hanging out in the middle of nowhere not knowing what the next move is for them. My bf is constantly plagued with guilt (as are many DH's on here) over disrupting their perfect little life and leaving their mother. These 20 - something women have tried many a time (and they STILL have tricks up their sleeves)to blame daddy for the source of all of their problems and sadly, it has worked like a charm. At one point he was such a mess from them calling and crying and insisting they would die that he too suggested I move out so that he can figure out the situation with his adult daughters. Well...I packed everything and left and within an hour he called me begging for forgiveness and admitted to making the biggest mistake of his life. He said that he realized asking me to move out would be giving into his kids and they need to learn to respect him and they need to learn to be on their own since they are certainly old enough. I truly believe he needed to see for himself what he was missing out on and I needed to be gone in order for him to realize that. I was gone for such a short time that I believe he knew it was wrong before it even happened. In some ways I hurt a little still from that but we all have things that are difficult to overcome and that is emotional baggage for me and it will take me however long it takes me to get past it.

He also admitted that he would resent THEM for the breakdown of our relationship and he didn't want that. Were they happy? No, but tough luck. These "kids" are not kids they are adults. They are adults who want to be treated like adults but not have to accept the responsibility of being one. It doesn't work that way. They want their freedom without having to pay for it/work for it. Your husband will learn the hard way what he is enabling her to do and she will be needy well into her 30's if he tolerates this behavior.

Soooo...the moral of the story? I think I'm still attempting to figure that out myself. There is a very good chance your husband will realize what a huge mistake he has made and he too will beg for forgiveness. I know you are hurting right now and I don't know if you can recover from this, you might never be able to open your heart up to him after what has happened. I know you and I have different situations but...like you, I love my bf and wanted it to work. I also believe that this is not the last you will hear from him. Give this some time, I can't see him letting you walk away for good no matter what he says...they always come back. Boys/men whatever, they always come back in some fashion.

oh hell no, he doesn't get off that easy. can't you just take back the ultimatum, swallow your pride, then.....reclaim your home.

if you leave your standard of living will plummet!!! tell him you are staying!! that is your house too!!!! don't give away everything you worked for, what you'll get in return is less than what you have now.

stay there and protect your assets. do what a womans got to do. she's a kid, she'll eventually leave. you can live with her, you just don't want to. i know what its like to be hated. my ss says he hates me and it hurts, they've always wanted me to leave or die, but i wont do either and life is getting better.

She is 19? She is an adult and could/should be living on her own. It is sad to read that your husband doesn't agree with that and instead would give up on your marriage. It would be different if SD wasn't an adult. Maybe he will wake up one day and realize he is wrong. Best wishes and good luck.

It sounds like you're willing to take what little he's offering. Are you aware of your rights? You two should have to sell the house and you get half. Unless he wants to buy you out...and I'd get more than market value because housing prices are way down right now and will go up in the future. You also have a right to his social security when he retires. Or part of it anyway (since you were married over 10 years). I don't know what happens if 1st spouse and second spouse are both married over 10 years. I am sad for you. I am in a similar situation. He treats her like a spouse, only better. Waits on her hand and foot. It's sickening. But I don't complain when he occasionally waits on me....then it feels pretty good. BM is moving to the neighborhood with SD and BM's BF. I don't know if we're going to make it...

I have read your story with much interest.....I have never been onto forums before but am at my wits end with my twin 20 year old step-daughters. I have been married for almost two years and without the SD's we are very happy together. I suppose the problem is that we have very different parenting ideas. I have two adult children of my own who don't live with us and they are great educated well balanced people. My SD's mother has been mostly out of their lives since they were about 12 years old. She left their father and was unable to cope with the girls living with her so moved away. My husband has been a single father to the girls until my arrival. He has been very relaxed with discipline, hygiene and personl development to try and make up for the absence of their mother. I have tried being sensative and understanding but the girls are basically very lazy, extremely unhygienic and disrespectful in the house. They have very poor communication skills as they tend to rely on each other (the twin connection). About 6 months ago it came to the point where I said either things had to change or I would leave. As you said - giving an ultimatum can be a dangerous thing! It was apparent that my husband doesn't want to upset his daughters, lay down any ground rules or excercise any discipline. It was a very stressfull and upsetting couple of days for me trying to resolve the problems. My husband didn't want me leave so I reluctantly stayed on the condition that if things didn't improve I would walk out without warning. I didn't mean to make a threat but was extremely frustrated at him continuing to treat then like 10 year olds. Things improved slightly for a few weeks although my husband has banned me from going into their bedrooms and virtually banned me from their area of the house (which is my home!)saying that he will clean and clear up after them. But here we are 6 months later and things have slipped backwards again. I feel so stuck and isolated. When I read your story I just wanted to reach out and hug you. I have tried many different approaches to sort things out but the SD's are simply not interested. I have spoken to friends for opinions but their advice is to stick with it as the SD's won't be at home forever....however there is no sign of them moving out - their life is too easy at home. If things stay the same as now, I am very concerned for my marriage. I hope you are ok but I am wondering how things are for you now and if you have any advice to offer me? Personnaly I believe that if my husband and I are not joined together in dealing with this, then I'm fighting a loosing battle.

Hugs to you! i am sad and angry reading your story. I feel he will regret his decision but you have wasted enough time in this situation, i cant imagine the level of hurt and betrayal, not sure when some of these silly men will learn it is amazing how ppl are so blinded by kids and in this case she certainly is not a 4 year old. I swear the more I hear these type of stories makes me terrified of my future.

Whateva

my personal opinion, if you gave your husband the ultimatium of you or his daughter then shame on you, what parent would pick between a child and spouse and not pick the child? That was setting yourself up for failure.

secondly, dh should see that his daughter is old enough to live as an adult and he SHOULD enforce your rules in the home with sd so shame on him too for being blind

that's all i have to say

I hope all works out for you. I know this has hurt you deeply but rememebr that when one door closes another always opens and you have learned a very valuable lesson from this whole situation. This will come back to slap your husband in the face in time but it is probably best that you are getting out now since this will never change until the SD has hurt him terribly and the slefish game players always do in the end. Love and best wishes to you.

I really feel for you. He does need to pull his head out of his ass and grow a pair or borrow a pair...My step daughter has her father wrapped around his little finger. She lies and manipulates--and even when he does see it he still plays Captain Save a Ho and races to her aide. It sickens me. I finally kicked her out...she still manipulates but from 3 hours away...and I don't have to clean up after her too. Tell you the truth....sometimes...more than I care to admit I wish I had been the one to leave.
Your DH does not deserve you. I'm sorry that he hurt you.

Guys...I think she is gone. (check year of post)...

NO way should YOU move out of your house, given their total enmeshed sickness. you have stomached all these years...... You stay, change the locks, as Rags states, record his conversations with him directing you to leave your own home and that his daughter wife always comes before his wife and take the recording to the attorney you retain immediately...You are playing into his hands by leaving, it is exactly what he is wanting and may have even received legal advise...

it will not be easy for you, but make HIM and miniwife want to leave....you can do it, just give it some thought. It is THEIR sickness and not yours....let dadddeeeee and his daughter wife go, help pack their bags, and seek the meanest divorce attorney in town. Many of us have husbands with enmeshment issues, but they still give us space and freedom to stay away from their spineless BS and sh...t storm they created.

Play his game, but turn it around on him and win it! You deserve much better than this...all you need is a lawyer. And, I would not look back...get away from it and start all over with somebody without a daddeeee phobia and daughter wife.

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As the old saying goes "blood is thicker than water." I have heard this many times since dating a man a little over a year now with adult daughters. only recently have I seen him changing and realizing choosing an adult woman he is intimate with and wants a future with is probably more to his benefit than a whiney adult child. not sure what is wrong with these men - I think it is guilt somewhere too in the past. they need to get over it and realize their children are grown and need to have lives of their own. I think the benefits of a wife and years of commitment should far outweigh an adult daughter who will leave soon to be with her own man and leave him alone with his stupid choices.

I wish you luck and sorry your going through this. stand your ground. maybe he will realize what an ass he is being or if not, you will realize you are wasting your one life on someone who has his priorities wrong. there should never be any choosing - there should be respect by everyone involved and the daughter should be taught (even though she is an adult) what is expected of an adult living under someone else's roof (yours and your husbands) - not treating you like you are a child and disregarded as if you don't even matter.

oh how do these very old posts keep getting brought up? weird.

I read this post and many of the comments just now. I am dealing with something similar. Sadly my husband has also chosen has aduf step child over me, our child and family. My heart is broken to pieces. And I am in disbelief he has done this. The SD in my life is the most manipulative, evil person I have met. And her Dad is the idiot that believes her lies. I deserve so much better than a partner who puts our relationship last. So does this poster.

my heart goes out to the op (this is an old thread). its totally sick when a man chooses his daughter over his wife.

what does this do in the end?

the man will never be able to form a healthy relationship with a woman because he already has a wife a mini wife.

the daughter will never be able to find a healthy relationship with a man because she is too hung up on her father.

sick beyond words.

mamatomybabes and badlinz - I can truly equate to this. I am 'hopefully' coming out of the other side of a similar situation. Having had all of our six grown up kids leave home (except my youngest who at 22 is training, but hopes to get a place with his girlfriend soon)and really looking forward to finally having quality time with DH together without being surrounded by grown up kids and their girlfriends, he announced that SS29 had just got a job near to us and was planning to move back in with us. I said straight away that it couldn't happen. Not because I don't like him (I don't very much - but wouldn't voice that), but because his girlfriend is a nightmare and I would be expected to cook and clean after them. DH kicked off big time - moved into the spare room for two weeks and said that if he couldn't have SS live with him then it was over between us and we would go our separate ways. I agreed, got estate agents round to value the house, took off my wedding rings and started going out with friends in the evenings. It really shook DH up. I think he believed that if he stood his ground I would eventually give in. That wasn't happening!! Any way, he finally asked to talk and said that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me and everything we've worked for over this. So has finally agreed that SS is going to rent somewhere. I know DH will pay for the rent - but that's his problem. As long as I don't have SS moving in with us. Maybe your DH is playing a similar game and if you stick your ground and make it clear that you aren't putting up with it the reality will hit him.

Hello Lady,

I am so sorry for you and wish I could share positive news from my perspective. Sadly, I cannot. If you read on this forum, Rags is a man who understands how to treat his wife and his family acts accordingly. But, if you have nobody in your corner, you have nobody.

I have the same thing, but I am just NEVER around them; I have not seen them is several years. Best thing ever, there is peace in my home now. You, on the other hand, are with this husband created piece of work, daily.

If I had to be around them and my husband at the same time and watch husband transform into a pathetic excuse of a doormat, with no respect even for himself--I would divorce him. The only thing that makes this marriage work is my erasing people who have excluded me in my life. They do not exist to me now, just like total strangers.

Peace, at last.... trying to be included never worked for me, and it never will. Acceptance is hard, but it is my reality and likely yours, as well.

I'm really, really sorry. I know that must really hurt.

Your DH is wrong. There are many men that realize that their wife should be their number one priority...especially over adult kids. My DH has his issues, but he has told me many, many times that I am just as much of an authority in OUR home as he is...and that his goal with kids is for them to launch and start their own lives...his goal with me is to build a life and a future together. He recognizes that his future is with me, not with his kids, and therefore his priorities lie with me as well. I'm afraid your DH is in for a rude awakening when princess falls in love and starts putting HER life partner first over DADDDEEEEE! Wonder if he'll feel betrayed or if this kind of misplaced "loyalty" only goes one direction in their minds?

When they are younger, I understand a parent MUST put the needs of their kids first (not their whims, wants, and entitled expectations...but their needs). I have never had a problem with that fact and I get it. Minor kids need safety, security, and support...and sometimes that means sacrifices from adults. That doesn't entail letting them rule the roost or walk all over their life partner...though many men, unfortunately, allow it. I am sorry you have had to live like this and hope you actually can go and find your own happiness. I bet after a month of living out from under that little black rain cloud...you'll feel so relieved and wonder how you did it for so long.

Please do protect yourself and get what you deserve...don't let a broken heart or your shock destroy your self-worth and make you skulk away with little to nothing. Your DH is doing his daughter no favors by putting her on a pedestal like this...and you shouldn't do EITHER of them any favors at this point.

Didn't see the date either. Duh!!!

Well I'm in a similar situation and have mentioned it before on here. Married 3 years. 30 year old ss living with us all that time . Total waster. I moved out 2 months ago for a couple of days to show DW that i was serious that he had to go. Well he hasn't. The bond between them is too much for me to compete with. Reading this post just backs up my decision that i will have to go and leave them to it. I have no kids myself and cannot be bothered with his tantrums. I might be lonely in the future but anything will be better than this life. I hope you get your situation sorted out but reading all the replies i think your SD is going to win I'm afraid.
Cheers
Steve

This post is from 2010
I guest it settled by now

Yep- always a good idea to check the date- seven years is a long time in Fairyland...

I have also been where you are; first I understand your pain and frustration! I am very sorry for you.

I tried and tried to talk to my DH, at the time. I tried to make him understand what I wanted, which was; I wanted my marriage to be separated from all of our children. We have 5 children between us, long story, but now we have 3 grown children (my skids). By "separated" I met, we have our time and then there is time for our family. My DH couldn't go to the bathroom without his DD present and she was grown. Of course it just became more of a problem, as long as I tried to correct it.

We were married 33 years and I finally decided the only way to save my marriage was give DH to SD totally, as long as they wanted. I did not file for divorce, I didn't want a divorce. I kicked DH to the curb to SD's house; it was a few days and DH wanted to come home; not happening. I kept a Court Order to keep him away from our home and me for a few months. He was miserable. Long story short, in the end, my DH decided he wanted his wife, his home, and his marriage. (4 years ago)

Our marriage is different, but SD is no longer involved. I am totally disengaged from the entire turmoil and DH is getting better at accepting my decision. It will NEVER be the same. I will never trust DH again, where SD is concerned, we will never have a blended family again, and DH doesn't like my disengagement.

It is what it is, I'm moving forward, and we are doing better, just different.

Good Luck and ((((hugs))))