ex-inlaws still treated like still married to ex-husband
Hello
need advise on ex-inlaws
have been waiting for the woman to do what she told me she would
stop treating her ex-inlaws like she is still married to ex-husband
wants to spend weekends at their house with the children
this has been going on since the start of our relationship
she told me to just wait when the divorce and custody case were over things will be different, she said I need their support until than please understand and wait.Everything was over in April and since we have agrued about this several times because they are calling and asking her to come for weekend visits. I say let the kids go okay, why do you have to go and sleep over. I do not want a relationship with them and told her this when we first started to date. Also they will call as they did a couple of days ago for dinner or parties that ex-inlaws are having and ask that she come. Again I say bring the kids to anything if you want but why do you have to stay.
When we are having sex she will stop to answer their phone call or anything else we are doing. This upset me alot and want to know when does the commiment to them stop and when do I get one. I have given her a engagement ring and already purchased a wedding ring for her which she has and still waiting to hear when we are going to get married.
She says I am jealous and I say yes I am when they come first in almost everything in our life together.
Any thing anyone has to say about this is a help to me and thank you in advvance.
Jack
My x will has stayed over at
My x will has stayed over at my parents house with the kids on 1 occasion. He will also take my kids to vist my grandmother etc but they live close to his mother (5 hrs away) and he travels there more often than me.. because it happens rarely it doesn't have much of an impact on me or hubby.
If it was continuous...like your discribe..It would have to stop!!!
Do I understand this right..?....so she leaves you home alone...& trots off ..with her kids & sleeps over at the inlaws..while you sleep alone!
Obviously she is close to these people..and has become attached to them over the years..and maybe she isn't ready to abandon that "support system" that they have provided for her..during more difficult times.
I can definately see your side..that's not fair..I don't blame you for being upset!! But it sounds like she can't let them go for some reason.....
Try not to take it personally...It most likely has little to do with her x...just the bond she has made with these people as individuals.
Keep talking, digging deeper...maybe there's a comprimise in there that needs to be found...I don't think she totally "gets" where your coming from.
I hate that phrase "try not to take it personally". Whether they mean to or not...people's actions can trigger emotions..that are very intense & personal. I HATE THAT PHRASE..especially when I'm feeling emotional!! But alot of the time it ends up ringing true...
Not very good advice...hope someone else has more practical suggestion for you...
ex-inlaws
Thank you very much and your reply by its self is a comfort at this point for me. Regardless of if you think I have a point or not just to hear from other people. Not what the ex-inlaws think.
no comment
no comment
That is a hard one…it
That is a hard one…it seems like everything is still “fresh” and it is hard to change our emotional bonds even when the legal ones change. Is the ex-husband around when she is attending these events? I’m trying to get a better understanding of the situation…what is her relationship like with her own family, are the ex-inlaws like a surrogate family for her?
ex-inlaws
I think you are replying to my post. Yes,the ex-inlaws are like a surrogate family for her.
The ex husband I am told is not around. Her relationship with her family is a very good one, they live in a different country, we just got back from a months visit there. She talks to them almost everyday on the phone.
What I have been asking is how is has become so strongly bonded to these people when she barely knows them.
She met her first husband in her country and than got pregnant moved in together for a year than got married. Stayed there for 4 years and only spoke to his parents rarely on the phone, every couple of months. After coming to the USA she saw the ex-inlaws every once in a while, they have always lived in another state. The ex-husband said in court about his own parents, Their visits were always short.
I have seen them come for visits and I have gone out to eat with them. When I have been around for their visits they spend about 5 minutes talking with the kids and than proceed to have a get information from her session, same when I have gone out to eat.
I think about ending this because I have asked her to married me and want the commiment that it brings and I am not getting it and wonder if I will ever get it.
Thanks for your ear.
Sounds like she needs a
Sounds like she needs a support system..besides you..most woman do..that's why we have this site/friends/family to lean on. Does she have other people in her life? Maybe she wouldn't need her former inlaws so much...?
What-ever the difficulties you two have...resolve them before you get married.....they just don't tend to go away!!!
thank you
you comments are most welcome.
thanks
bokuwa
i am no expert but i think its time you put your foot down. that is the kids grandparents i know but c'mon.
i went thru a divorce and it was not until after that a couple of years that my ex mom in law even liked me again. and i did not do anything mean to her son. just said nomore coming last.
i would be very open about how you feel. if she cares she will really see the big picture.
i do not think i could put up with that.
What is her answer.........
What is her answer to why she still hangs out with them after the divorce was final??? I mean i am cordial to my ex-inlaws, but I wouldnt hang out with them. She should respect your wishes. Have you ever asked her " what if the shoe was on the other foot?" How would she like it? Something just doesnt seem right, or maybe i just dont think like everyone else...lol. I can understand the grandparents being at childrens b/days, sports events and stuff, but not your g/f spending the night with them. Woman are different than men, when it comes to ex-inlaws though. Most Men dont spend the night, with their ex-wives parents. Its easier for them to cut the ties. We as woman know how other women think. If they were better to her than her own parents, i might could understand. But not knowing them long,and not having a long standing bond, seems really stange to me. Im not trying to hurt your feelings, I promise, but could she possibly want to be with their son still? I hope thats not the case. I just know, that I would NEVER do anything to make my Husband feel insecure, if I knew he didnt approve of something like that. I hope she see's the light before you get enough, for your sake, because breaking up with someone you love is painful, but sometimes nessesary. Good luck! Just dont sacrifice your happiness, for someone who cant see the pain you are going through.
My boyfriend still vey attached to Ex-Inlaws
I have been seeing a man for 4 months who demands that I accept his close relationship with his Ex-wife and her family. He has told me that this will never go away.This is the only thing we argue about, because I just CANNOT "see" this. He speaks to them daily and is angry with me for not accepting how things are.To him, I am totally wrong and need to "think" about things. He refuses to see my point of view. He feels he cannot abandon them because they were there for him for the last 12 years, while he had no one in his life.I don't tell him not to see them, just keep me out of it. PLEASE...any thoughts. reply Upst in New York reply
Tell him that he should be living in the NOW not the PAST.......
Hi Anon, I had the very same problem for quite a while, but with time, and standing up for myself and saying NO to having social contact with his ex wife and ex family, I finally won the battle of the ex inlaws.
Now he still stays in touch, at a distance, with them, but they are not part of his social world anymore and that is as it SHOULD BE. He now has me and a new set of inlaws (my family) who really like him.
Good luck to you in this stiuation. From the many other people I have corresponded with on this site, this type of problem is very common.
I too am in a relationship
I too am in a relationship where my boyfriend who lives with me will not allow the duties of his past responsibilities as a son in law to go away. We live next door to his X and his in-laws live one door down from that. He feels obligated to mow his x-wifes grass since she has no lawn mower. Now she has no children by him so it;s not like he has obligations....... I have explained to him I have no problem with him helping out at his in laws house......they are senior adults in their 70's but his x- wife "no way"................how do you feel about my situation.?....I have expressed my thoughts on this issue to him but he continues to do the mowing at his x-wifes...I am about over it and have co
I'm sorry...but tell her to
I'm sorry...but tell her to get over it. It's inappropriate for her to be spending the night at her former in-laws home - period. I would NEVER tolerate that in my home....and am a firm believer in boundaries. Do we need support systems as women? Yes. To a point! She's a grown adult woman who needs to learn to function in her own household, not run to the ex's family for "support". I don't know how you deal with that. Ugh!!
Excuses... Can't accept she's divorced
Sorry, I can't analyze why she does this because I can only see the wall she is building between her lover of convenience and stability she can't let go. I think she visits them to keep in good standing, just in case.... Who knows, maybe secretly she wants to remain "attached" to her ex hubby too and these are her allies. I would tell her to shit_ or get off the pot. I feel for you. With a divorce comes a new life not hanging onto the old. Who wanted that divorce to begin with???? If her, she's just a control freak, if him, she can't except defeat.
i have one word of advice.
i have one word of advice. run. if your partner is already this unreasonable then getting married will only make things worse. ask your partner if they would appreciate you hanging around your ex's immediate family all the time. oh and the fact that the kids will always come before you is another red flag. if you're married you're suppose to come before the kids.
Hi
Hi