Feel like i'm betraying my daughter 3yrs
Hello
This is my first post, only just joined 
I have been living with my partner for nearly 2 months. We are both divorced with young children and have been hanging out with eachothers children for about 8 months. My daughter lives with us and is 3 1/2 and we see his boys once a week and every other w/end. They are 6 and 4.
We have been very lucky that all the children get along very well together and the boys have taken to me very well. My daughter is still a little wary of my partner but I believe that this will change in time. I, however, have tremendous bouts of guilt felt with my daughter.
When the boys are here I try to make time with each child individually and together but lately the 2 youngest (1 being my daughter) constanly want my attention. I feel torn. I do not like to turn them both away but I do not want to be seen to be favouring one over the other either. It is draining. If i am playing with my daughter and the youngest boy comes to join in with us my daughter gets confused and walks away in a quiet sulk. i always ask her to come back and play with us but she never does. If i am reading with my daughter and the youngest boy wants me to play, vice versa with my daughter, i always say that i will after i have finished reading with whoever i'm with. It is hard as i do find that the youngest boy is more demanding of my attention and will actively seek it more whereas my daughter tends to back off quite quickly if they both want my attention at the same time. I find it quite heartbreaking to see her quietly walk away or go and sit down and won't come if I ask her to join us. Although i do get to have snippets of alone time with her when the boys are here. i try to with all the children. When the children do not want my attention, they do play very nicely together although i find the youngest boy a bit rough and hyper but i put this down to me not being used to little boys.
Has anyone else experienced any of this or have any advice? I would be so greatful to hear from you
Can you take turns or make a
Can you take turns or make a chart? Maybe pick an activity and take 1 child with you every time. Like grocery shopping, take one this day, and one the next time and just rotate it- it's one on one time. Maybe go to the park or something separate but equal? That way everybody feels important and special. It can be really difficult for kids that age to adapt to sharing attention and the new rules of the relationships that have been implemented even if it doesn't seem too severe at the time. Good Luck
Tulips, are you spending
Tulips, are you spending quality, one on one time with your daughter when the skids aren't there?
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Hello, thank you for
Hello, thank you for replying.
I do spend alot of time with her. I work a couple of evenings a week and so I am always with her but not constantly during the day. She goes to pre-school every day and she's happy to play by herself for a little while when i'm pottering around the house. Maybe I spend too much time with her? Not that I believe it is possible to haha
Tulips - It sounds like
Tulips - It sounds like you're doing things right. You're spending time alone with each of them. You're not putting your daughter aside in favor of the other child (if you're reading to her, you don't stop to do what he asks you to do). This is normal with real siblings who are young and close in age. Use it as an opportunity to teach your daughter about sharing (at her age, she is just starting to be able to understand share and they aren't usually very good at it) and about coping and about not being able to be the center of attention (even though in your heart I know you'd like her to be, it isn't healthy for her anyway). I know it is heartbreaking, but please don't beat yourself up and think you are betraying her. I don't have children, but my niece who is 5 lost her father (my brother) when she was 2. She and I are very, very close, but I only get to see her maybe twice a month (I live 100 miles from her). At 3 (SD is also 3) they had a tough time sharing the attention of any adults. It was kind of the same dynamic, SD5 would actively seek attention and my niece would back off. It hurts your heart, but I think she'll come around. Just keep talking to her about it. Even ask her how she feels. "I notice you don't like to play with mommy and SS4 sometimes, why is that?" or tell her a "story" about how sometimes when you're talking to x and this other person y comes over and sometimes that makes you sad because you were hoping to talk to x alone, but then it was fun talking to x and y together. I wonder if there are any children's books about this too.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Thank you for replying One
Thank you for replying
One thing I haven't done is discuss sharing 'time' with her. I will have to do that and perhaps look for a book or two to read with her. It's strange, I always see story books to help children understand when a new baby is coming but never anything on step brothers/sisters. Perhaps I need to look more
Kids are naturally selfish
Kids are naturally selfish and will remain that way until parents (or the world the hard way) teaches them otherwise.
Have a sit down and in age appropriate language explain how sharing sometimes means the sharing of time also. Point out how much time you two have when no other children are around and how nice it would be if she joined you in sharing time with these kids.
If she won't then let her sulk. She'll probably get tired of that if you stop pursueing her.
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100 years from now it won't matter if you were successful in business, church or your social circle. But it will matter if you were important in the life of a child.
Thank you for replying. One
Thank you for replying.
One thing I need to do is talk to her properly about it
I never really chatted about it to her before as I concentrated soo much on the children getting on together and Mummy's time never really became an issue until now. Thanks again
I would explain that she
I would explain that she needs to share mommy sometimes when the boys are visiting and leave it at that. Its only been a couple months and I'm sure she is still adjusting to her new living situation. She will get better with time. Maybe just give her a little extra hugs n kisses on those weekends to reassure her. She's not used to sharing mommy yet!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"