New Member- Not sure where to start -- feeling like a failure
I'm 34 been married to my DH for 3.5 years. He's 48 and has 2 kids. Both kids knew their parents marriage was unhealthy and needed to end. Both kids were in our wedding.
SD is 21 and we have a pretty good relationship. We had that typically 18-20 year old behavior, testing boundaries. I made it clear I wasn't going to allow the he said, she said crap or playing her BM against me and vice-versa. She calls me Mom and says I’ve been more of a mother to her than her own.
SS is 24 married with an almost 2 year old and another due on the 2 yr old’s bday. Our relationship is OK. We have discussed what each other’s expectations are in the relationship. He calls me by my first name and gives me the respect due as his dad’s wife. I have never tried to be a mom to him, I’m only 10 years older than him. But we have discussed that when I have a baby that we need to come up with something for him to call me since I don’t want my child calling me by my first name or asking why their older sibling calls me that. (That issue has been resolved by him having a child, he calls me YaYa like his child) So we have had good open communication.
I know you’re wondering what’s the problem then…in a nut shell SS’s wife. She is making my life miserable and ruining my relationship with SS and my husband’s. I’m very lucky to have my DH’s support and understanding through this but we are both frustrated and feeling like we failed someplace.
SS’s wife has a very controlling personality and no tact or compassion (so much so that her sisters apologize for her when they are around at family functions). Everything is said with brutal honesty. I’m so tired of that statement like its ok to tell someone something rude just because you tell them you are brutally honest. She herself is a child of multiple divorces and is teaching SS some pretty bad behaviors typical of a child from a split home. The he-said, she said game, playing one-another against the other. Controlling every little aspect of every situation. I’m most important pay attention to me. You owe me this because…
All of a sudden, they are refusing to have anything to do with us unless it is on their terms and time schedule. I’m being told I don’t include them in the family and that I need to fix this tension between us.
Having read several of the posts here I know this is common but I send them cards or treats for each holiday, birthday, anniversary and just because I saw it, and it made me think of you. When we visit, I always bring something for them and the grandchild i.e. brownies, a coloring book, something. How am I not including them? She never remembers my birthday or anything about me. She won’t talk to me and I have learned not to talk to her because I’m never right about anything or know anything about anything. So now I’m in trouble for being quiet around her. I feel like I can’t win in any situation. And now my husband is hurting because he feels like he is losing his son and won’t be a part of his grandchildren’s life.
When we talk to SS about it, he wavers between his wife’s point of view of the situation and ours. But ultimately sides with her. And I guess I can understand that, I would want my husband to support me too but it is so frustrating!
We can point things out like she walks 15 feet in front of us when we’re taking a walk with the grandchild so how is she trying to be a part of the family and SS agrees with us and says he’s mentioned that to her but she comes back with something else. But she will not tell us, she tells SS and then he tells us.
So I guess am asking what do you do? How do you handle the constant being wrong, nothing right crap? How do try to improve the relationship?
I know this is petty and not helping the relationship but several people lately have talked about my wedding and everyone mentions the girl who wore white to my wedding and how she must not like me or respect me to do that. Yep, my SS's wife wore white to my wedding, knowing she was sitting at the head table. I'm really starting to resent her for that since that seems to be the "story" from my wedding evryone tells. It's not helping me to have positive thoughts about her.
Oh dear honey - join the
Oh dear honey - join the yucky club LOL-! I can't believe now our step issues even extend to step IN-LAWS-! She does sounds like a grown SD gone wrong-!!!
She seems to be TRYING to make you and DH feel like a failure. She gets some kind of reward from doing this, maybe attention from her husband, enjoying manipulating you, etc. I also find her sensitivity and strict schedules maybe part of being a new mom? as I have known that to happen with them in my experience.
Honestly she sounds like my SIL who I AVOID like the plague, who is also a child of divorce, who has a VERY skewed viewpoint of family relations. She actually told me she wishes her dad would just die - ! but that is another story.
DO NOT let this girl get to you. Honestly if she is going to be a pill you will probably be happier if they do not come around. I would NOT go out of your way to bring them anything unless it is a mutual gift-giving occasion. It sounds like she is taking your friendliness and graciousness as a sign that you are a sucker? somehow so it is time she gets that notion, right out of her head.
I would only worry about SS and he sounds like he likes you. I would just act like you do not notice the RUDE way she is treating you both, if you possibly can, and that will at least put her on notice, you are on to her.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)My husband and I can't stand
My husband and I can't stand YSD's husband. We go out of our way to make time for YSD when he's not around (like at work) as much as possible. The man is verbally abusive to YSD and disrespectful towards us. He forgets our acts of kindness during the year. Last year at Christmas he turned up his nose at a digital camera we spent over $100 on for their family saying that was what his wife, YSD, wanted, not what HE wanted. You can't please some people and there is no sense in driving yourself crazy trying to make this woman come around to your way of thinking of what is correct. You can't control others and what they do; only yourself and what you do. In time, SS will see his wife for who she is but until then, he has made his choice and has to live with the consequences of being bossed around and doing as she commands him to. I feel sorry for their children. That's teaching boys to let their future wives treat them like a doormat and girls to not show respect to their spouses.
Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
Your SS's wife: 1)She's a
Your SS's wife:
1)She's a control freak.
2)She has no tact or compassion for anyone.
3)Her family consistantly apoligizes for her behavior.
4)She's preggers too so her hormones aren't helping.
Sounds like she's built quite a reputation for being rude to everybody so don't take her brattiness too personal. Also, some people feel they have ownership of their spouse and act out unreasonably possesive. Like the old saying..."My son's my son till he gets a wife, But my daughter's my daughter all her life." My mother is experiencing the exact same thing you're going through with my brother. My SIL is slowly driving him away from the family I fear.
Continue having a relationship with your stepson but know that he "belongs" to somebody else so it will be minimized. Do you're best to avoid having him choose sides between his wife and you or you'll get hurt. However, if SDIL is being directly insulting to you or DH you should attempt to call her out on it even if its a subtle stare down. People like her are the way they are because people allow the behavior.
Welcome to the site
I agree that you have to let
I agree that you have to let go of it being personal, because evidently, she does it to many other people. The problem is hers.
I try this sometimes with my SD who is borderline and not working on therapy. She convinces other people I'm an evil SM- my MIL, my SILs, etc. Then she baits a response from DH and me when we are around those people, when they aren't looking, so that she can validate to them we are horrible, me in particular.
It does get me down. But rationally I know who I am. I know I am not the person she sees me as, and I also know that even though they may not like me b/c of her, my inlaws do deep down love me and want to like me.
I try to keep all that in mind when she is raging about how I'm not a good mom to ANYONE not just her, that no other moms' are so controlling etc.
"Parental love is unconditional, relationships are reciprocal." ~Zen