laying down the law...please help with comments
My wife and I almost never fight, except about her daughter - SD16. She has been an almost constant source of squabbles for the past 3 years. In the last month, her mom and I have had 2 blow-outs that result in days going by with nobody speaking, etc. The problem is her mom never disciplines her, and if I try to get involved her mom gets so defensive, tells me to butt out, etc. Keep in mind that I pay all the bills, the SD16 doesn't have a job, is flunking 2 classes at school, etc.
We got into a big argument just last week that severely impacted our Thanksgiving holiday. It all revolved around how I feel used, that we need to give this kid some discipline and responsibility. Her mother was furious with me, and the SD16 used it as an excuse to cry about how mean I am, and how she doesn't feel welcome in the house. This morning it seemed like things had blown over, but when I left for work my cell phone service had been turned off. I went home, got on the computer, and found out that the SD16 had been sending text messages...14,000 of them to be exact in the last month...and its not part of her plan. They are 20 cents apiece - thats a $2800 phone bill!!!! And she wanted to lie about it, even though I was waving a copy of the phone bill at her.
I'm going to tell her mother that if they want to continue living in the house that I pay for, SD16 HAS to get a job, of which I get every paycheck until the bill is paid. I also want her to go to counseling, because she has NO remorse for anything she does and I think she's a bit scary. Also, I feel she should be grounded anytime she has a grade below a C, until the grade is brought up.
I love her mom so much. This is so sad...and yet I feel I have no other choice but to issue ultimatums. Am I wrong for doing this? I feel so used and abused at this point, and I'm not going to take it any longer.
In my opinion any kid that
In my opinion any kid that has a cell phone-needs to pay for it themselves. Its perfectly acceptable for the phone to be revoked until the bill is paid in full. This is tough love. Its called loving them with natural consequences. If this creates world war 6....oh well. I feel that we must have boundaries...when someone walks all over them...its up to us to enforce our boundaries. Ultimatums on the other hand...never work. Consquences not ultimatums.
You've got to get your wife
You've got to get your wife on board. Boundaries are definitely needed. Figure out what it is you need specifically, I'm talking what are your deal breakers here, to be on board in the relationship. Approach your wife in a non-accusatory manner and just lay it out as calmly and rationally as you possibly can.
And get that kid on a pay as you go plan. $2800 phone bill! I'd be selling everything she owned except about 3 changes of clothes. Maybe then she'd feel a little remorseful.
Your DW needs to put your
Your DW needs to put your marriage first. Many people believe that you need to put your children #1 priority in your life. I believe that your spouse need to be #1. Then, you can teach your children how to have a good marriage. If you as a couple are happy, then you give your children the best lesson ever.
I have a problem with a SD29 with two children. For eight years now, we have given her thousands. My DH and I never fight except when it comes to her. She does very little to straighten out her life. Her own mother can't even put up with her. I don't see how my DH expects me to put up with her when her own mother can't. She uses her children as pawns against her dad knowing how much he loves his grandkids. Every problem she has is never her fault. Every relationship she has she ruins, except that of her dad's. As I said before, we have given her thousnds, bailed her out of jail many times. She never learns because she doesn't have to. Her dad will bail her out or pay her bills. Her dad will betray me to provide for her. I have told him that i can't take it anymore. I feel so sad about it because I really love this man. But he has betrayed me because of her. Giving her money and not telling me, paying for her bills behind my back. I feel that he has no loyality to me, only to her. She has been disrepectful to me in front of him and he never has said anything to her. I am tired of enabling him to enable her. I have set bounderies, but, like him, I break them because I do love him and do not want to live without him. It has come to the point that I question if I hate her ways more than I love him.
That's really sad! It does
That's really sad! It does sound like betrayal and loyalty. Part of me immediately thinks, tit for tat, ask him how he would feel if you were taking money and giving it to someone in your family without his knowing or approval. And the couple definately has to come first; otherwise, there will rarely be a stable home. A sound home must have a sound foundation. I had a roommate who would put her relationship with her daughter first...needless to say, she's always been single because the daughter finds something she doesn't like about the guy - i.e. you're taking my time away from my mom.
Thank you for you support.
Thank you for you support. THis is the best site I have come across. I don't know where to turn most of the time. I feel alone in my dilemnas. This gives me the strength to set boundries and not to feel like such a heel.
I have asked him if the tables were turned. He says he understands, but then he does it again and again. I have two wonderful BS who would never do anything like SD's done. They respect him and they do well for themselves. There is no way he will ever really understand what I have gone through with him and his BD. I don't know how much I can deal with. I have lost a great deal of respect for him which is sad because I thought he was my soulmate. His SD's BM and him divorced due to the problems they had together due to his daughter's antics.
I have set boundries to my husband like "the next time he betrays or lies to me I will leave." "Don't ask me anymore if we can give her money" But then he comes back with "she has none and she will be kicked out of her apt. and have to live in a shelter." But, all this is happening because she doesn't take the responsibility of getting a job. She lives off her mom (who is now sick of it and refuses to help anymore) or her Dad. She is almost 30 years old. WHen will things change? Why do I have to give up a marriage because she won't get it together. Just venting.......
Wow -- yes, your SD damn
Wow -- yes, your SD damn well better get a job -- she's got a $2800 cell phone bill to pay.
BB
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
Cancel her phone service.
Cancel her phone service. That's all I can think of, except that DW needs to decide who she is married to-! Let her deal with any issues w/SD from now on.
If ever asked for any money for SD, say you gave $2,800 and that is all you intend to give per lifetime-!
p.s. my sd did the same thing w/texting but it was ONLY $400 - BM now pays her phone service I guess but we don't.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)StepAside - thanks for the
StepAside - thanks for the comments. What do I want? Peace in my house. A functional family. Some freakin consideration and respect. A loving, supportive atmosphere as opposed to a confrontational battlefront.
At this point, its looking more and more like this relationship is going to fail. My wife told me not to make her choose between her and her kid, because she'll choose her kid every time.
UPDATE: Wife is furious at SD16; trying to make up with me. Says I've been right about everything all along, and how sorry she is that they've put me through so much crap.
maybe, but what's scary to
maybe, but what's scary to me is that just 24 hours ago, everything was fine between her and the kid, and I was the villian. She was actually planning to leave me I find out, and the kid has been egging her on, plotting it with her!!!
So the only thing that has changed in this time period is the phone bill showed up...now I'm a great guy again, and the kid is the villian. Makes me question the stability of my wife; my question to her is now that you are telling me I was right about everything, if we hadn't gotten the phone bill would you still be planning to leave me??? Would your kid still be the little angel in your eyes???
I think I'm in a bad situation, and I think I need to get out of it while I still have my sanity.
We always talk about guilty
We always talk about guilty Dads but it sounds like your DW has a serious case of guilty Mom. What you're proposing is exactly what I would do. I find it amazing that these parents want to be good parents in the eyes of their kids but do absolutely nothing to BE good parents and to help them be good people. Don't you sometimes just want to tell people to get their heads out of their asses and look at what they're doing to their kids? Be strong and let us know what happens!
You have EVERY right to set
You have EVERY right to set these ultimatums. That is complete BS that you can't tell the skid what to do in your own house! I can't believe your wife doesn't let you co-parent but asks you to pay the bills. That shows a complete lack of respect. This gives SD an opening to play you.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't want anything to do with someone who mooched off of me and then gave me no say in my own home and she is making her daughter into a loser. What kind of person do you think that child will turn into if she never gets disciplined? Is your wife too lazy to be a mother? Is she even working? You lay down the law and do it ASAP!!
Thanks buttercup. I think in
Thanks buttercup. I think in alot of ways she is too lazy to be a mother. She wants to avoid conflict with the kid at all costs, and is most concerned with the kid being "happy."
Laziness is a very good
Laziness is a very good description. I find it so crazy that some parents do not hold their children accountable for their actions. There are no consequences for negative actions. I would feel guilty if I didn't teach my children how to live in the world. Her child will be a very unhappy adult because eventually the SD will have to have relationships with people other than her family. No one will put up with her. It's really sad that some parents don't realize this earlier. Believe it or not, I feel bad for her daughter
This texting thing happened
This texting thing happened with my BD too...so just a suggestion that you might luck out on if you have been a good, long time customer...give the company a call and explain the situation and ask them to remove all or part of the charges. They gave me a one-time reprieve....but to the point, I did tell my daugther she would pay for it. She was not old enough to get a job but I give her entertainment money and she could earn with chores, etc....so I support that completely. Also, a counselor is more than appropriate....I'd do it for my own kids if things have been that miserable for so long...the environment itself ends up toxic and the whole family falls apart. Which frankly is what the teen wants...so therein will lie the problem. We can't force a kid to get benefit any more than we can force food down their throats...
I am also at the ultimatum point with my DH and SD 17 (already did it). I think there comes a point in time where you have to be willing to give it all up to let them know you can't compromise on certain things anymore. I hate doing it too, the last think I want is to drag my kids through another divorce...and it is totally unfair fighting I think, but if you have tried every other thing....you're probably really headed there soon anyway so it's the flat out truth of the reality....if that makes sense.