Update: How do I detach?

Forums:

As most of you have read in the recent topic I posted about my SD, things are not going well in our house. So tell me, how do I completely detach from this adult SD without huring my DH in the process?

I was explaining all of this to a cousin and she got very upset with me, saying that I should be disgusted with myself. Of course, this cousin has lost two biological children so I should not have brought it up with her at all. That was insensitive of me and I feel really bad about that. Anyway, I digress...I'm just not able to tolerate things any longer. I don't want anything to do with the SD now because of the direspect she's shown her father, her BM and me for that matter.

So, how do I detach without hurting my DH?

The only thing I can suggest

The only thing I can suggest is, that it is your husbands daughter let him deal with her. Never stop being polite and being graceful no matter what the case. if she insults you or becomes snidy with you, tell her you feel very sorry for her in that she feels she needs to act in such a way and that her opinion of you does not matter to anyone but herself. Encourage your husband to also put her in her place the same way in that if she chooses not to be a respectful adult, then she can be immature in someone elses home and not allowed in your home until she can. Let her think about it, chances are she is like that with a lot of people. Any one who can disrespect their parents like that especiall if they are good parents, does not have respect for anyone let alone themselves. The worst thing you can do to your "enemy" is to pit them and feel sorry for them. Let her know you pity her poor choice in behavior and feel sorry for how she feels about her self...which i can alsmot gurantee is not that good.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

I'd quit worrying about your

I'd quit worrying about your husband. He's a big boy now and can see how his daughter is acting. Purples' statement above is pretty good but I would tone down your reactions to her. Instead the more you ignore what she is saying the more effective it will be getting across to her that you simply don't care what she says.

Whenever possible just absent yourself from her presence. If you have to be there such as a family gathering act politely when interaction is required but ignore her presence as much as possible.

It takes TIME and commitment

It takes TIME and commitment to working on YOURSELF!!

In addition, a LOT of support and realizing that it is NOT YOU.
My family has been very supportive (they actually "detached" from the situation first...my SDs have done A LOT to me over the past six years, including sending out "mass Emails" that my sister received about how "terrible I am".) This just WILL NOT GO OVER with people who have known me for my whole life.

The only problem MY FAMILY has with this is WHY I AM STILL HERE. I have my own career, I can take care of MYSELF. And, that "support" makes it easier to detach. I'm sure your H, like MY H, KNOWS that the Adult SD behavior is just NOT NORMAL a large amount of the time. When H and I are A COUPLE, we have a GREAT TIME. And, that is why I am still here.

HOWEVER, my H as well as my SDs know that I am in such a point in my career and in my life that I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE OF THEIR FOOLISHNESS and that I WILL WALK. In the past, I had "threatened" through tears, which they could see right through. They know I loved their dad too much to ever leave. But, my attitude has changed. I don't "cry" over it anymore; I don't want to "talk about it". It's the same drama over and over.
If they don't LIKE ME, if they don't LIKE THE WAY I AM and that daddy is HAPPY without their interference, then I suggest they find someone else to harass, because I won't put up with it anymore. (They know I've consulted libel lawyers, too)

Also, if you've ever read ANY of Melodie Beatty's "Codependent No More" books, that also helps. "The surest way to make yourself crazy is to involve yourself in other people's problems" (paraphrase). It is SO TRUE. My lifestyle is so far removed from my SDs that I can no longer "try" to pretend that I "understand" or that I even care. When I was 29, my parents would NEVER put up with the crap that my H does. NEVER.

If H chooses to put up with it, he had better make sure it doesn't interfere with MY TIME or MY MONEY that I have invested into this marriage. I'm referring to SD 29 getting her 2nd DUI in 2 years....she's in BIG TROUBLE. I basically told H that she had better get her ACT together or I DO NOT WANT her near my home. This is not up for debate.

The reason? If at age 29 you don't "know" that after getting ONE DUI just two years ago that you DO NOT get into a vehicle impaired where the fines (and jail time) are astronomical, then I don't think "daddy" should be there to wipe up the mess. This is a prime example of letting someone hit ROCK BOTTOM. I can only relate this to how MY PARENTS or any other PARENTS would have reacted. There would have been no calling my parents if I had a DUI at age 29. It just wouldn't have been acceptable.

And, I had to "tee hee" over your SD's wedding saga. You already HAVE detached. You said NO, you stood your GROUND, and it was a fiasco. You had nothing to do with it. And, with each "event", you will get better and better at it. (I attend nothing of my SD's). And, see how the phone call tone changed already?

I don't CARE if my SDs like me or not, but they DAMN WELL BETTER SHOW SOME respect when in MY HOME that I've worked my azz off to make a beautiful home. (In the beginning, I wanted it to be "our home, all of us". Bullcrap. They took every opportunity to stomp in and try to play "equal partner", so I really have MYSELF to blame for that. I should have set the boundary right from the beginning.)

Wishes, I so know how you feel because I can tell you are "teetering" on detached, but as we are all "good people" on this site (or we wouldn't be here trying to improve the situation!!), you don't want to be "mean". I just have to point out in your concern over hurting DH, does it hurt HIM if she (SD) hurts your feelings??

It takes TIME, and each time you DO NOT PLAY into the drama, you are doing YOURSELF and YOUR DH a favor. You are setting an EXAMPLE that chaos is NOT GOING TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE. I know my H is sick of the chaos but, face it, each time "they" act in an inappropriate, immature manner, that is a reflection on HIM. Other "daddies" set rules when kids were younger. This daddy was too much of a wimp and is now paying the price.

Not my problem, W, and you'll see eventually that it's not yours anyway. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at that wedding...!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Kitty....gosh, you're

Kitty....gosh, you're right...I already have dettached. I detached the day I said I wash my hands of the whole thing, didn't I? And I will continue to do so without a doubt.

TO ALL: I guess what I meant when I said I didn't want to hurt my H is that he wants/needs to talk to me about his D and when I refuse to listen, he gets upset/hurt because he "needs help". How am I supposed to react to that? For instance, last night when he got back from the wedding, he began telling me that the BM was 15 mins. late for the wedding and the D was pissed. The first thing that popped into my head to say (and I did) was "Well I'll tell ya what; if my daughter had asked me for $ for a reception and then told me to STFU, I wouldn't be too inclined to show up on time either." That made H angry and he said "You didn't hear the things that BM was saying in the background on the phone the other day." I said, "Stop making EXCUSES for her (SD) behavior!" H then got mad/defensive and said, "OKAY FINE, I'M SORRY I BROUGHT IT UP!" I said, "Good because I'm really tired of hearing about all if this anyway." He said, "It's over and done with now." I said "Good. Can we move on and not discuss it anymore then?"

In other words I told him I really didn't want to hear anything else. So that upsets him. I think it really upsets him because I'm calling out his "princess" for being a rotten little brat and he just will admit that is the truth.

*sigh*

Yes, I'm sure the flies on the walls at the wedding and reception were buzzing like crazy d/t my absence. H has not said anything to me about what he told anyone as to why I wasn't there (if anything) and/or any discussions that may have involved the aforementioned. But trust me, I know his one sister is probably chomping at the bit trying to get information out of him. More FN drama. I just will not partake in it. Of course I'm naturally curious what people had to say but I MUST refrain from inquiring.

Sadly, there is a lot of tension between H and I now over the subject of the SD. Not sure how we're going to work through that part of it. The thing is, I did not put that tension there, the SD and H did, right? Any suggestions?

And the truth, W, is that

And the truth, W, is that detachment does turn in to indifference, which could be a good/bad thing.

I'm at the point where I really don't CARE what happens with the relationship. I've had SO MANY "mentors" along the way on this site...Fearless, Bewitched, Sarah101, FiveTeens, October8, Ema, Sasha, Sparky...that there is only SO MUCH YOU CAN DO, and then it's just TIME to worry about yourself.

And, that's where I am. I really don't CARE about his Ds anymore. When I did try, it didn't matter. There are so many WONDERFUL people in this world...is it WORTH it to bend yourself into a PRETZEL trying to please this ONE individual?

As my friend Bewitched stated so wonderfully, I would be happy at my age (47) to just hang out with my daughter, my pets, and my work buddies, and just let everything else go away. It's not worth the STRESS, it's not worth the aggravation.

Peace and love always!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

I wish I could be where

I wish I could be where you're at KittyKat. It may take me years to put that kind of distance out there. My marriage is fine as long as the SKs aren't brought up and it's just the three of us. I've gotten to the point I really don't want to "listen" to my husband either when he talks about his children as I know they treat him like crap and he EXCUSES everything away they do that is negative.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

I agree with all of your

I agree with all of your comments as well, what do you do when they live with you though, I have one sixteen living here, and one nineteen almost twenty. They are obnoxious, rude, and very ignorant, they treat me like the house is not mine, like i am the maid, the act like because there fathers name is on the house and not mine that it is theres. We picked the house out together, we are not married yet, but will be. the nineteen says he does not need to work or go to school, keeps saying he is going to go to school but will not work. He only eats and eats and eats and eats. The sixteen yr old boy thinks he comes from royalty and no one is telling him what to do. He is the most disrespectful teen I have ever encountered. I hate him with a hatred passion. Could not care less what happens to him or his big dumb brother. What would you do with this kind of atmospere?

My therapist said in order

My therapist said in order to detach it means becoming indifferent as to what the stepchild does or doesn't do. Sometimes it's easier said than done when your spouse wants you to hear about his children and you'd rather not be involved, even in the listening process. I was told not to worry or ask about when they call DH, when they text him or what the text messages say, etc. unless he chooses to tell me and I'm genuinely interested. If things are going well, then it's "That's nice." If not, let me tell you it's hard for me to bite my tongue and not say what I really think. That book "The Love Dare" is teaching me to see the good qualities in my spouse and more on letting things go for the sake of our marriage. These children will always be a part of my husband's life until he's dead. They don't have to be a part of my life except what I am willing to allow as long as we are married and I don't see divorce in the works.

I got told by my therapist to stop snooping and let DH deal with all of it--requests for money, the disappointments with them (their being upset with him, him upset with them), who visits who, etc. If the stepchildren want to come over given the house was in my possession prior to our marriage, they have to be invited. That means my husband brings it up to me and they don't invite themselves over and assume it's ok. I don't believe in drive by visits. DH and I pick a weekend we are free and give them an option for the day and time. Lather, rinse, repeat. Their schedules won't match ours every weekend and that's fine by me. The therapist says a visit from the stepchildren and their families once a month is sufficient. I'm not to "fix" their problems either or defend my DH to them when they mistreat them (i.e. start an argument where they call me evil and say they didn't hurt their dad's feelings and tell their dad I'm a certain word).

I too hate drama. My therapist has watched me in therapy for over a year now. She has seen the toll on my health, the weight gain, my mood swings, etc. and tells me often I got the raw end of the deal yet my husband's life has improved tremendously especially in finances. DH knows his children stress me out but they are HIS children. My 9 year old will always come first to me and given he's 9, not grown, I don't think he gets treated that differently from DH's children other than my son lives here. I truly hope when my son is an adult he doesn't treat me like the crap I see in DH's children. It would break my heart. I know I disappointed my parents but if someone had come to me and waved the stepfamily fairy wand to show me my future married to a divorced man, I'd know my life would be more like the maid Cinderella and not the princess life of luxury Cinderella! My glass slipper broke not even 24 hours into my marriage when YSD asked us for money the day after we took vows.

I think at times I'm a glutton for punishment. I'm actually going to OSD's Christmas party in December which will be full of ex-relatives including one of my DH's estranged sons and his family (whom I've never met and whom DH hasn't seen in 3.5 years), DH's 2nd ex-wife and her husband and a few more stepchildren and their families. This particular SD is reaching out to me like a friend so I'm going to give it a whirl until I start to feel a knife in my back. Most days I just try to sit back and not sweat what the stepchildren are doing as it makes my life so much easier. If I know I'll be seeing them, I do the planning part (like holiday meals and cleaning house) and make hubby pitch in if they come over here to visit.

When I think of the ages of stepchildren (adult) I can't help but wonder what part the divorce or divorces they lived through have made them who they are today. I have friends whose parents divorced after they were all grown and it is a whole different ballgame from those who dealt with divorces when they were young or in their teens. When I have a truly bummed day because of something a stepchild has done, I thank God none of them have ever or will ever live with me.

I live in Texas and my

I live in Texas and my husband knows better than to threaten me with him doing what he wants without my permission. I have bailed him out of major financial mess that he will NEVER be able to repay me so he knows who butters his bread. You can get a restraining order or a criminal trespass order against SD. I had a guy living with my next door female neighbor turning their sprinklers on us as we'd leave our house, shouting vile things at us, etc. and the police allowed me to do the order as I feared this man given his prison record, him letting air out of our car tires, etc. I know how to put a spouse in an institution for mental illness which includes getting the local SWAT team involved. Knowledge is power. Don't let your husband keep treating you like a doormat. If the daughter has to come over, then you leave the house and do some fun girl stuff for a few hours and have him call you after the SD has left. As long as she knows she can get to you with her drama, she'll continue. When she sees you won't fall for it, you win. Your DH also has the option of meeting SD out somewhere. My DH would rather them come here than ruin his sporty performance car (titled to me and me alone) at their sleazy residences. To avoid fighting and risk my kicking his poor butt out, DH compromises. He really doesn't have a choice if he wants a happy wife. Half my grown SKs are now on cell phone block. They call to ask me for $$ and not dear old dad they are banned from talking to me unless it's on HIS phone. I love that feature on T-Mobile! The house is not in my current husband's name and my last name isn't the same as his either. I've kept my first husband's last name for time being til all assets are in my name. My husband can't claim community property when the mortgage has it "Estate of (deceased husband's name) and I'm the administrator. Works for me. My first husband died without a will so a lot of things are in limbo and some things are better left in limbo a bit for us to work on our relationship as I don't want them becoming community property. My DH pays me his portion of the bills in cash so there's no proof he contributes to household bills either--his mistake, but my lawyer said not to co-mingle any bank accounts since we didn't get a pre-nup. Hang in there.

***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

I think the thing is with me

I think the thing is with me is I'm just so absolutely horrified by SD's behavior that she is essentially not the girl I thought I knew. For her to call up her dad and put him through this BS angers me beyond belief. And don't even get me started about how she speaks to her BM. So really, what else can I do but just completely remove myself from her life? If no one but me wants to call the girl out on her behavior, I see no other choice but to disengage.

Here's where I also get conflicted. I have some people telling me that I'm doing the right thing and others telling me I'm doing the wrong thing (by detaching). The latter makes me the villian, the evil SM who should be ashamed of myself for "making my H choose between me and his D". Can you imagine? Wait a minute, when did I start making him choose? lol As far as I can tell he clearly always chooses the D so how am I the bad guy here? lol

It's no wonder I'm on freakin anti-anxiety RX as needed! lol

You are not a villian! It

You are not a villian! It is called self-preservation. Just this morning I was at the grocery store in a swearing mood mind you. I never used to be such an angry person either. There I was buying food so DH and I could have a basic meal for Thanksgiving Day and then the big spread to spoil his youngest daughter and her family on Saturday. I'm looking at the price of hams (DH and I neither one are ham people) and I tell myself that girl is not worth a $25+ ham. So I found a cheap one for around $9 from Hormel and will make a honey glaze for it. To some people they'd think I was nuts going with a small ham but this SD would ask for ALL leftovers to take home with her and play the "We're on Food Stamps and WIC" card. I asked her when she volunteered to bring a ham if she knew how to thaw out and cook a frozen one and she said "No." Did I want to mess with hooking up with her a couple days before and put myself in another stressful situation just to retrieve a ham that would've been free to me? Hell no!

Detaching is healthy. It is putting yourself first. It doesn't mean how have to "shun" the SD but you set up boundaries you can live with. I hate having YSD and her family over all the time. She'd be here every weekend if I allowed it and DH knows it. When she gets needy, I block her cell phone and she is forced to take her problems to her dad, mother, siblings or close friends and leave me out of it. I was becoming exhausted trying to make the stepchildren HAPPY to the point of making myself miserable. Once I realized I was getting used because I have a kind personality and a good generous heart (like buying diapers on occasion) I had to make a choice. Who mattered more? Me or these 6 children I hardly know in the 2.5 years I've been married? I didn't raise them from birth and any "love" I feel for them mainly comes from being married to my DH.

If I don't want to see the stepchildren at my home, I am not keeping my DH from seeing them. He is free to go visit them, take them out to eat, etc. whenever he wants. I just refuse to be imposed on by them as I support him more financially and don't like feeling trapped in my own home when they visit. I feel like the 3rd wheel and it's not like they aren't all grown with their own places where DH can see them. Most weekends, he doesn't even WANT to visit them. DH also has the option of my son and I leaving the house and they can come over while my son and I are gone (given advance notice). The therapist says I have a good system down. Visits here once a month else DH visits them out where they live, or they come here and I leave so I'm not agitated and walking on eggshells because I didn't ask for company and didn't clean my house. They can take the house "as is" with no meals made for them unless we invite them over as a couple--that simple.

I look at it like this. You only get one life and need to make the best of what you have. None of us had a crystal ball telling us what kind of insanity we would be in for once married to a divorced man. I would love to have 3 or less stepchildren instead of 6! To me I love my DH enough that what few moments I have with his children aren't worth giving up on him because our relationship comes first. DH is seeing he must work with me as a "team" when it comes to his children and damned if he doesn't see now like I've told him all along he's used like a doormat. I try to not throw that up in his face but the children remind him by lack of calling, visiting, etc. and he is bright enough to "get it" on his own.

You can figure out a plan of action that works for your family. When I get a chance there's a great site I go to with a wealth of info that could help you on detaching. I hope in the meantime, things look up for you!

Actually, shunning is

Actually, shunning is exactly what I am doing at the moment because I'm so disgusted. I'm trying to work through it though.

"Do they place as much

"Do they place as much concern on how they will make you feel?"

Wow that was an eye opening statement. Thank you Stepaside. I never even thought of that. I guess I'm so used to possibly being perceived as a b*tch if I put myself first, that it never occurred to me that I look at it like you stated.

Amen to that! I wish they

Amen to that! I wish they did care about how my feelings play into everything.

This is all just so hard

This is all just so hard because the SD has created such tension. H is unhappy with her behavior but will not do anything but enable it. If I tell him to stop making excuses for her, he gets mad/defensive. Tell me, why is it so hard to see that your child is being a selfish inconsiderate brat, and more importantly to TELL them that that's what they are doing? Are BP's REALLY that blinded by love? Since when is 'tough love' a bad thing for kids, even adult ones?

I suppose if H acknowledges that SD is out of line, then he would have to acknowledge that he should have been more concerned about being her father instead of her FRIEND when she was little. And I suppose H has his own insecurities about not ever wanting his 'princess' to be angry with him.

JC...how in the hell did I get myself into this nightmare? How can our relationship survive this? I just don't see things working out very well because of the wedge all this BS has driven between H and I. But then again, I guess that's part of the detaching, right? Don't let it affect us. I dunno, just seems easier said than done because he needs to talk about this stuff and if I shut him out when talking about SD...where does that leave us?

I don't know if this is

I don't know if this is helpful to you, but this is my plan...

I'm going to Florida this Thanksgiving with my daughter (she is a senior in high school, this will probably be my last Thanksgiving trip with her), so H get to entertain adult Ds this Thanksgiving like he did for the past three years. (Four years ago, it was a total fiasco, his "girls" acted like INFANTS the way they carried on here, and of course, H (and, I too) were "starry eyed" about having our first BIG THANKSGIVING in our NEW HOME) said nothing to them while I seethed. (As far as I'm concerned, they RUINED any chance of me being present at any holiday gatherings.)

That being said, as of June, 2010, H and I are officially "empty nesters", so I am taking OWNERSHIP of this marriage. I already lay the groundwork in that I will accept NO MORE NONSENSE or insanity from his Ds. Right now, they are "afraid of me" (boo hoo) as I snapped over the last DUI. I told THEM the way things will be from now on. (NO MORE CRAP, or STAY AWAY!!).

ERGO, I plan on H and I doing MANY THINGS together. If this is a "problem" for his Ds (who will be IN THEIR 30's for the most part), that's just TOO BAD. I can't complain TOO MUCH this year in that I am also very busy with my own daughter (sports, etc.), but then, ALL "CHILDREN" are over 18 in June, 2010.

It's OUR TIME. And THEY WILL RESPECT THAT or they can have their "daddy" back. And you know as well as I do that your H wants to spend the rest of his life with YOU. Use that knowledge! I am NOT saying that they cannot see their "daddy" anymore, but it will be based more on OUR SCHEDULE rather than THEIR WHINY NEEDS.

You (nor I) are being "selfish" in wanting a marriage in which the MARRIAGE comes first. In a traditional marriage ceremony, the husband is told that he and his wife become ONE. And you KNOW your husband does NOT want another divorce.

Sometimes, W, I don't think THEY KNOW where to set boundaries. And, as so many people have said on here, if H were to set the boundaries, the SDs would comply. They would probably bitch and moan, but eventually they would comply. It's when the "wicked stepmother" sets a new boundary that there are issues. I think we need to set boundaries with our H, too. "You are married to ME, so act like it."

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

Hell yeah! My DH doesn't

Hell yeah! My DH doesn't want another divorce. I'd be his 3rd and he'd really feel like a FAILURE then as he never wanted the other 2 marriages to end.

I, too, ask myself many

I, too, ask myself many times, how did I get myself into this mess. I feel like the b..ch. I do love my husband but I lose respect for him each time he allows his d to get away with her b**sht.

Detaching is very difficult, but I have had to do it. However, I never really fully detach. I give in to him......which in turn is giving in to her. I have given boundries before, but end up breaking them always saying to myself, "this is the last time". It has never been the last time. I am afraid to keep the boundries because that means losing my marriage. I often wish that I could leave him and never, ever have to deal with his D again. What a dream! But I can't seem to go through with it.

I feel that if I leave him, that I am not committing, not teaching my own children to commit, to stick with it, and that relationships really don't last forever.

I am sorry you are going through such a dilemna. It is very, very difficult. Mostly, it's hard to put yourself first priority because, we are very rarely taught that we are more important than anyone. I have often discussed this with my h. That I am supposed to be his priority, not her. But maybe I don't really believe it myself, so I don't demand it.

My husband gets very defensive when we discuss her. I really never have good things to say about her because there is never anything good to say. Not my fault, I am just stating fact. And then, she talks so badly about her BM to her dad. If she's talking this way about her mother, imagine what she says about me, not that i care. I feel bad for him, at times, because he really is stuck in the middle. But, it is really his fault for lacking disipline and demanding respect from her. When he lets her disrespect me, in front of him, and doesn't do anything about it, HE is not concerned about my feelings, so why should i care......

I wish I had the answers for you. I know that I am going to try my hardest to put myself first. I hope you do the same. When I find answers, I will relay them on to you.

Wow Angel, you and I sound

Wow Angel, you and I sound like we are in parallel SD universes!

I've said to my H so many times that he does NOT owe this GROWN girl ANYTHING anymore and hasn't since she turned 18. He gave her everything she ever wanted to the point of excess, especially after he and the BM split when SD was 5! Now it is supposed to be about HE AND I, period. WE/US is the priority now, always. I've played second fiddle to this kid long enough, ya know? She's grown and has kids of her own. But he just will not take her to task and stick to it w/out caving. And just like you, the defensiveness starts any time you state the fact about how the 'kid' is behaving.

I swear...it literally makes you want to slam your head against the wall, repeatedly.

Maybe I need a therapist

Maybe I need a therapist too...maybe H and I do together (like he'd ever go for that). lol

Hi All. Hope everyone had a

Hi All. Hope everyone had a good holiday.

Well here's the latest w/me and my H. He wants me to call SD and 'forgive' her and give her my blessings on her wedding. I told him he'd better back off and not push me because that will not turn out well!

I'm trying to finally have some backbone here and he wants me to relent. I told him yesterday that this was not about the wedding. I am glad that she got married. It's the rest of it that I'm still angry about. H tried to tell me that now that she's married, she won't be calling him anymore and asking for $, etc. I said I wish I could believe that but her track record in that respect begs to differ.

Then H said this whole thing wasn't about us. I said, yes, it is ALWAYS supposed to be about US, because what affects you affects me/us. Get it?! But what ends up happening, dear H, is it always end up being about YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER, then me as an afterthought. I said, what you are tleling me right now is that you will ALWAYS side with your daughter and not with me, correct? That is what you are telling me, correct? H said nothing.

I got so upset with him and told him I was so sick of this BS that we should just sell the house and be done with it. Then he could give all the money to his daughter. Yes I know that was a dumb thing to say, but it's how I feel. Like no matter what he will never put he and I first before his ADULT child. That he would sacrifice our reltionship and even our home if SD demanded he did.

I dunno folks, I just don't see this ending well. I love him so much but he will never, ever be able to cut the cord with this kid it appears. He'll never say no to her and I don't know if I can live with that anymore. I need to be with a man that will always put US first. Sadly, I don't think that is how H ranks the priorities. Daughter first, gkids 2nd, he and I last.

Morever, I don't understand why he doesn't get why I'm still angry. SD could have easily gotten married and then saved up and had a nice reception for themselves after the holidays. But instead SD calls daddy and cries and whines because she wants a party, and asks him for $ for it. He just does not GET IT. SD put him in financial hardship and she did not care. It was all about HER, screw everyone else. That's what he just will not see with any clarity. That's what I'm angry about DH. That she had the gall to do that and you let her get away with it and now you want me to call her and say 'good for you'? How does this make any sense?

I'm sorry but I'm angry, both with her and with DH. I said to DH, call her up and give her my blessing? Honestly honey, I don't see why she even gives a sh*t because if anything I thought REALLY mattered, she wouldn't have pulled this crap on you to begin with. She would have spoken with me about it. But she didn't. She avoided me like the plague and manipulated you DH.

OMG...I'm losing it guys, I swear...IS it me? Is it? Am I the only one that sees things are so messed up with what she did?

No way would I ever call

No way would I ever call your SD and say that. If this continues I would really consider, is this what you want for your life?

It sounds like you have talked to DH and he refuses to see how this affects you? Hugs honey - you don't deserve this-!!!!
_________________________________________________________
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

I can't believe your DH buys

I can't believe your DH buys into the bull that once his daughter is married she won't hit him up for money. I wasn't even married to my DH 24 hours before the YSD then unmarried hit us up for money to pay on their bills asking us for $300. All but 5 of my grown SKs are married and we were hit up for $$$ before and AFTER marriages. Let me tell ya firsthand once they start reproducing and can't pay the bills, you get expected to pay for diapers, wipes and other things like children's dental visits, clothing, formula, shoes, etc. because God forbid if they are on Food Stamps or any other type aid they "just can't make it." Oh and the baby showers. Gotta spend at least $100 on those so all the registry items at Babies R Us are met! I just tell DH "They aren't my blood kids, they are yours. If I choose to help them I have no reason to complain but if they continue to hit me up for money, T-Mobile has this feature called never allowed numbers and their numbers go on it." Works for both LAN and cell phone lines. And yes, I have blocked at least 2 of them from my phone because they aren't bold enough to ask their dad for money to hear him say NO. They don't care we have financial hardship gal. Money that is promised to be repaid never gets repaid. One of the SDs was going to pay us back with her income tax refund and instead she got designer shoes, all new clothes for her and her DH and didn't even think of us helping her get maternity clothes, etc. she "couldn't afford" that put us in a bind. And guess what..she's gotten fat, outgrown those maternity clothes, and given them all away. Next time she's pregnant she can go to Goodwill!

OMG, I would never call. How

OMG, I would never call. How inconsiderate for your H to ask this of you. He is in LALA land. It is not you. This is not right. Do yourself a favor, if you can afford, leave the house for a couple of days. Let him know you are serious, and you are not going to put up with this.

Maybe this will give him time to think.

Oh btw Angel...I have not

Oh btw Angel...I have not called her and you know what? I'm PERFECTLY fine with it.

I would have left the house for a few days if it weren't for my two dogs, trust me.

Thank you MostEvil for

Thank you MostEvil for validating that for me. There is no way in hell I'm calling her and forgiving her. How can you forgive someone that has no regrets for their actions? I think that was an outrageous request on H's part, simply outrageous. He is worried about how SD feels, not how I feel. Once again, it's all about the SD.

Yes, that is what I'm worried about...this really ISN'T what I want.

I feel you and we had a

I feel you and we had a similar conversation here yesterday. Very annoying! _________________________________________________________
"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)

I even told my H that I was

I even told my H that I was completely detaching from SD. That made him angry and again, he referenced how it would make his D feel. *shaking my head* H seems to think that just because he lives with me in another state (2.5 hrs from SD) that means that he must cowtow to any and everything she wants.

*sigh* This is all so FD up. Sh*t, maybe it's H that has the problems and it's FN me up! I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm confused, angry, frustrated, irritated, aggravated...okay, time to look for a therapist.

Be polite and show class and

Be polite and show class and grace at every turn. You needn't show any warmth but make sure your behavior is beyond repraoch or it will cause conflict between you and BM. She is his problem so let him deal.

Me (41). DH (turns 54 late

UPDATE: Guess who scheduled

UPDATE: Guess who scheduled an appointment with a therapist? lol Yup, me next week (12/8). I have not made mention of any of this to my S.O. yet. and I'm wondering if I even should. What do you think?

Btw, it's with a LMFT (Licensed Marital and Family Therapist). I was hoping to find an APRN with a PsyD but no luck locally.

W, I think that is a great

W, I think that is a great move...

Don't be surprised, tho, is the therapist supports everything you're hearing here in that your marriage MUST come first. I hope at some point he will go WITH YOU and maybe realize how destructive he is being to his own relationship.

I just want to update my holiday (and the benefits of finally just detaching). I was in Florida, sunning with my own daughter, didn't really bother to text/call H at all in that I knew hid Ds would be here demanding all his attention.

Friday night, he starts sending me texts about what I'm doing, etc., and I texted him back with "If you're having so much fun with your "kids", why in hell are you bothering me? Go have fun with your kids."

Also, he knows I will be in Boston for Christmas (3 days). I hope he has a great time with his "kids".

What I'm finding, W, is that the more I FOUGHT with him over this, the more he WANTED to be with them. (Like a little kid, the more you say NO, the more they misbehave.) Now, I don't really give a shit, and he's texting me 'cos he misses ME.

A therapist will probably help you with detaching, too. (Oh, and H and I will be going ALONE to Florida in March....I think the SDs know enough NOW that they had better not bother us while we are there.) I don't think your marriage is in the crapper yet, and I remember SO WELL feeling as you do. Just hopeless and sad. I just feel anymore that I have OTHER PEOPLE to do things with and OTHER HOBBIES (and the more I DO without him/them, the more he wants to be with me.)

Hang in there, you'll be FINE. You'll emerge much STRONGER and HAPPIER, I PROMISE!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

I sure hope so Kitty. I am

I sure hope so Kitty. I am still stewing over this, especially since H is BROKE now until he gets paid Friday. All because his ungrateful brat of a D had to have her reception paid for. JC! How can he be so damn blind?

And do you think that his D would put a thank you card in the mail to her father, and to her two Aunts that she asked to COOK for her shindig? Ha!

I'm telling you, I'm so pissed I could spit nails and I really don't care if I ever see or hear from SD again, ever. That's how utterly disgusted I am.

I still haven't told H that I'm going to see a therapist next week though.

Good for you Wishes!

Good for you Wishes! Hopefully the therapist will help you with your coping skills. You can't control your husband or that stepdaughter but you can set up good boundaries where you are comfortable in your own skin when around them. There's a reason I'm going every week until the holidays are over. Watch my posts and see what I mean.

Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.

Moved to blog.

Wow, I see there are many in

Wow, I see there are many in a similar situation as mine but although I love my spouse, many would say it's definitely a walk-away from situation. My SD is 25, and is one of 3 children my spouse has had from 2 women, but she is the only one we are having problems with presently. In the past his son was rude with me when his father had left his house to him he announced that i was uninvited to my spouse's grandchild's birthday party, and even though my spouse exploded that he was tired of the way they were treating me and drove away, my step daughter pulled the guilt trip on him,"my son's royal b day can't believe you are choosing her over your grandson", and my pride in him was shortlived when he asked me to come back in 2 hours so he could visit his grandchild. So..he brought in the gift i paid for and i had to go drive around no particular place to go for 2 hours. Since then i noticed every month, his daughter calls him saying she misses him so he hikes for hours to get back to "his house" and every time it's a crack and alcohol party. He was over 2 months sober when she called him this week and his sobriety was out the window and so was I after I exploded about his "awkward" relationship with SD. I feel stress every time because i'm sure she is trying to match him up with a woman or something that will be more suitable to her addiction lifestyle so she can continue digging in dadds pockets. I've pointed out to him the only time she calls is when dad is getting his rent money and still he goes but i noticed his hesitation this time...but she seems to have a stronger tug on the rope. She blames me for not seeing her dad when he avoids her but her dirty lifestyle is my only reason for asking him to stay away from her. How would that be wrong? He's even told people he hangs on to his home because i try to keep him away from his kids. I stress to him the point that i never did such a thing I just ask that they find something else to do when they meet up, I just don't think a 50 year old man should be partying like that with his 25 year old daughter. She has brought girls her age into his home in the past and I am sure she still does. We have had the biggest fights and yet he usually ends up calling me asking me to come pick him up.

And the reason you're with

And the reason you're with this man is what?

You are here

Update: How do I detach?